A Thousand Pieces ~ Part Eight

January 8

Isn't it gorgeous? I found it today, looking through a pile of pictures. I'd been thinking of our weekend getaway and remembered a picture that I'd snapped of "our" beach. AJ had it developed in black and white because we both thought it captured the spirit better. No photo ink could ever truly reproduce the color of that blue sky, blue water.

I'm tired tonight, so I'll cut through the daily how-I'm-feeling monologue and start right off with this picture, and my favorite day of the summer. The Fourth of July. We spent it on this beach - private, more secluded, than the one in front of the hotel. In fact, it was completely isolated... we were the only people in sight for the entire afternoon. It was fantastic.

I'm not sure exactly how AJ found it, but he said that he made it a point to visit every time he was over by the coast. I was enraptured the moment I set foot on it. There was something about it that made me feel free, wild, spirited. AJ wondered amusedly what had gotten into me - I must have been acting quite differently. But anyone would have felt the same, in that place.

It reminded me of the end of one of Cummings' poems:

for whatever we lose(like a you or a me)
it's always ourselves we find in the sea

I was sad to leave, late in the day, but we did have dinner reservations. We got back in the car and went to the hotel to change and get ready. At eight o'clock, we dined on the patio of the hotel's elegant restaurant - fresh mahi-mahi for me, lobster for AJ. We were both... hmm, I can't even think of a word to describe it, that's how happy we were. Ecstatic, jubilant. Something like that.

After dinner we decided to watch the fireworks from our room's balcony, which overlooked the beach. The fireworks were over the ocean - so we had a perfect view. And we were alone, which was perhaps the best part, because I was feeling so in love with AJ that I could barely stand it.

We sat, him on a chair and me on his lap, watching the bursts of color flash across the darkened night sky. I remember resting my head against his, our fingers entwined, and I could feel his heart beating beneath the skin. As the show ended, he turned his head and caught my lips with his in a kiss that made my toes curl.

"I love you so much," he whispered against my mouth. "And I want you. Now and forever." He picked me up and carried me back into the room. That night was the first time we made love.

You know how everyone always says that the first time isn't any good? Well, with us, it was amazing. The most amazing thing I'd ever felt or experienced, at least until then. AJ was so spectacular, and not just in bed. In everything he did. I don't think that anyone else could ever measure up to him. At least not for me.

January 10

I can't believe I'm saying this, but being back to work for the past week or so has been great. I really love it! Does that make me crazy? Probably, but that's all right.

But I'm serious. It's keeping me busy. Less spare time means less time to think about AJ, less time to miss him, less time to feel sorry for myself. So as a result, I'm feeling better. I'm starting to get on with my life, I think. This is tough, a real challenge, the hardest one I've ever had to face. I think that's evident from the struggle I've been going through, and it's shown in this journal. But re-reading the past few entries, I've realized that my pain isn't as acute as it used to be in the beginning... weeks ago.

That doesn't mean I'm going to stop remembering, though. I'll always need to do that. But I don't think I need to take as much time as I have been... there's not much more to tell, anyway.

After our beach Fourth of July weekend, we went back to Orlando and finished up the month there. AJ and the rest of his group started to get back to work, getting together at one of their houses most days to work on songs and the like. I went with him quite a few times, just to see what it is they did exactly.

It was great fun - even though they were hard at work, they always kept their sense of humor, with Nick and Brian goofing off half the time and AJ and Howie cracking jokes. Even Kevin, despite being slapped with the "older brother" position in the group, did his best to make the work fun whenever he could. I just liked to sit and laugh, or silently watch them weave notes and voices into what could possibly be the next tune every girl in the country would be singing.

Soon August rolled around. I hated to do it, but I brought it up with AJ.

"I need to go home."

"What?" His eyebrows knitted together. "Why now? You don't have to leave. You can stay as long as you want."

I smiled understandingly. "No. I can't stay in Orlando with you forever, J. My life is in New York."

"Please stay? Just a little longer?" He gazed at me, dark eyes sad.

"A few days, and that's it. I really do need to go about finding a job. I just got out of college, and I need to be able to support myself. I hate depending on you."

He argued with me for a bit, saying that he didn't mind, but I knew he understood. After all, he just wanted me to be happy. Of course, I would have been happiest staying with him, but that was impossible.

So a week later, I packed up my things and got on a plane heading home. AJ promised to come visit the next weekend, to make sure I was all right, and just because he knew he'd miss me. In fact, in the middle of my flight, he somehow managed to call me on those phones that are in the back of the seat in front of you.

"I miss you already, baby," he told me.

~

Author's Note: The photograph at the top of the page was taken by the fabulous Florida photographer, Clyde Butcher. His work can be found at http://www.clydebutcher.com/.

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Continue to part nine

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