A Thousand Pieces ~ Part Nine

January 13

I'm feeling so much better - this is unbelievable! The past few days I've just been so much happier. I've met some new people through work; that could have something to do with it. They're really nice. New friends to keep me company, to occupy my mind, are always welcome.

One of them, Mike, who's friendly and interesting but not really my type, asked me out today. Before I even realized it, I told him that I was already in a relationship. It just doesn't seem like AJ's gone, despite the fact that I've been in a living hell for the past few weeks. In my heart, there's still AJ and there always will be. Until the end of time.

But overall I'm feeling great. I cooked Angie and her boyfriend dinner last night - somewhat of a little celebration for my return to the real world. For the end my isolation, imposed upon myself after it happened.

After dinner we just sat around talking for a while over coffee, remembering. Angie and I had a few smiles reminiscing about last year, the beginning of our friendship. I'd just returned to New York after my "AJ summer" and saw her ad in the newspaper, looking for a roommate. Her little studio-style flat was exactly what I was looking for, and the two of us just meshed.

Of course, I wasn't the happiest of people, having just left my love a thousand miles away, but Ang understood. She helped me keep things in perspective, not to mention find the perfect place to start my career. And every night AJ would call, or I would call him, and we were absolutely fine.

He went off on tour that same month - (he was so excited, you wouldn't believe it) - so it was just as well that I left Florida and got my life started again. He wouldn't have been around anyway, if I'd stayed. And going on tour with him was definitely not an option. So our long-distance relationship blossomed.

I actually liked it. We got to learn so much more about each other that way - our pasts, our hopes and fears, our deepest secrets - because we were limited to strictly conversations. No dates, nothing face-to-face. Hearing each other's voices became our only link. Instead of weakening what we shared, I actually think that the distance strengthened it.

It went on that way for months. The band was on tour for a good three and a half, maybe four months, which took us into the winter. Mid-December, I'd guess. The nut insisted on spending Christmas with me instead of his family, which I yelled at him about for hours. Like I wrote earlier, we spent Christmas Eve at my apartment (Angie was off visiting relatives). And he gave me my 'Me Too' ring. Which I still wear.

Then he left again - a pop star's schedule has no room for love affairs. I resumed my normal life, with only our daily phone conversations to tide me over. I remember one particular conversation in January - one of our loneliest months for some reason.

~

"I get so scared sometimes. Everything is so over my head, my entire life, and I just don't know what's going on...I get overwhelmed. And I just wish I could take you in my arms and hold you forever-"

"You don't need me, J. You're as strong a person as I've ever met. You can get through anything."

"I never said I needed you. But...I'd just like that. It would be so perfect."

"Well, I'm not going anywhere...I'll always be here for you, waiting. Remember that. When times get tough, when you feel like you just can't take it anymore, know that I'm right there beside you."

"You know, actually, maybe I do need you. To keep me sane, to keep me going. You're the driving force in my life. Whenever I'm on stage doin' my thing, you're all I think about. And those lonely nights on the tour bus when I can't hear your voice...you fill my head. You make me whole."

"I know how you feel. When I'm not sure what to do, when Angie and I get in a fight, when I break down crying in the middle of the night, all I have to do is whisper your name...and everything's okay again."

"I love you, baby."

"I love you too. Don't forget that either."

"Never."

"Good. I don't know what I'd do if that ever happened, you big psycho..."

~

That was pretty much how it went. In February we met up in Boston during one of his weeks off. That was incredible. Kind of like our weekend at the beach on the fourth of July, but in a much colder, snowier climate.

After that... Well, I'll have to go into that tomorrow, or some other time. My hand feels like it's about to fall off. I'm going to go have a cup of tea and read in bed. Then I'm going to fall asleep. I hope that tonight, like I did during those months we were apart, that I'll be able to dream, and that those dreams will be satisfaction enough for my faltering heart.

January 15

Today is the three month mark. He's been gone for three months. Now, instead of the searing, intense pain I'd almost grown used to, all I can feel is a numbness that grows more absolute with each passing breath.

Perhaps what I'd thought was improvement, healing, was only a new stage of denial. After all, what are three months? They've dragged by, moment after torturous moment, but three months are nothing. Three months is not enough time for a heart to learn how to live with being empty.

It's just not enough. Nothing can be, anymore.

January 16

Last night was pretty tough for me. It just hit me rather like a ton of bricks - the concept of time passing without him. It seems impossible, but it's happened, hasn't it? (My spirit just won't accept that.) If only life could be paused; if only it could be reduced to one single moment in space, neverending, infinite.

I could never pick a single moment for my life to freeze into, though. One defining moment that captures your entire existence - what a thought. It would probably be the moment when I first met AJ, when our eyes locked and the world stopped spinning. Perhaps my life really is still stuck in that one precise second. Because I'm still hanging on that memory, day in and day out, and I can't go on without it.

I grasp desperately onto any memory of him, in fact. I had to do the same thing last winter when he was gone, and even part of the spring. We got to spend a few weeks together here and there, like in Boston, but it wasn't enough for either of us.

He'd come up to New York for long weekends of shopping, dining and dancing; I'd fly down to Florida every so often for sun-drenched days and lazy sunsets. Throughout March and April, we made more of an effort than ever to spend time with each other despite the huge geographic distance separating us. It worked quite nicely.

Of course we yearned for the simplicity that would forever be denied us - the ability to just be together for the little things. I never saw him go out to get the newspaper in the morning; he never saw me in reading glasses or a bathrobe. We were willing to sacrifice that, but it did come up a few times during our nightly discussions.

In May we drifted apart slightly - he was busy with promoting the group's new album, and I couldn't get off work to be there with him for most of it. I did have the luck to be present for all of the interviews and appearances that took place in New York. (What an experience!) It was just a fun and exciting time - his time. And I was happy for him. We were both happy.

Until three months ago. Why did this have to happen?! What did I do to deserve this? Tell me why - that's all I want. Someone please tell me why...

~

Continue to part ten

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