Chiaroscuro
Chiaroscuro (noun): the quality of being veiled or partly in shadow
The digital clock by the bed glows softly, giving off a faint red light. It reflects off of his sleeping face, his muscles relaxed. His eyelids flutter, the only visible evidence of his dream. The clock reads 1:37.
Suddenly, the red glow of the clock disappears. At the same moment a deafening clap of thunder rattles the windows. AJ sits up, disoriented, and discovers that the other side of the bed is empty. Rain taps relentlessly against the windowpane, moonlight the only source of illumination. Every few moments a bright flash fills the room as a bolt of lightning blazes across the sky. It throws dark shadows across his face; only his mouth is hit by the light, twisted up in annoyance at being woken.
He tosses the sheets to one side and sets his bare feet on the cool wooden floor. Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he gets up reluctantly and plods out of the room.
He finds her sitting outside on the upstairs balcony, shielded from the downpour by the partial overhang. She is folded up in a chair, staring into the depths of the storm. He watches her from inside for a few moments, careful not to bother her. Her long black hair is tied up in a knot on her head; her dark eyes distant; her lips parted slightly. Tiny drops of water have landed on her face from errant raindrops that've blown under the balcony's covering. It's no wonder her name means 'dark beauty' in Arabic.
I wonder why she's up, AJ thinks. Though she always has been somewhat of an insomniac. It's just one of those things that make her so damn complicated.
He remains silent, still, arms folded across his bare chest. He stands close to the glass door, watching his breath condense into a small patch of fog on its smooth surface. An extremely loud clap of thunder erupts close by, and he jumps, startled.
Leila catches the movement out of the corner of her eye and turns in her chair. She is surprised to see him awake. She gazes at him for a few moments, eyes deep and troubled. She turns her back to him once more.
Sliding open the glass door quietly, softly, AJ slips through and shuts it behind him. He stands behind her for a few moments. They share the silence together - drink it in as the dry earth drinks in the welcome rain. Both sets of eyes are focused on the dark thunderclouds in the blackened sky. The rain falls in sheets, neverending; long streaks of white lightning flash across the sky like dancers in a carefully choreographed ballet.
Leila is the first to interrupt the quiet. "You're awake."
"Thunder. Couldn't sleep. And the power went out."
Another moment of silence as the two of them grow accustomed to each other's presence. This is a night when they've both felt the need for isolation.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?"
"You always manage to find beauty in everything, Lei."
She breathes in deeply, damp air filling her lungs. "I don't try to find it. It finds me, I guess." Silence pervades again, but only for a moment.
"Why are you up?" AJ voices what he had wondered earlier.
"I've been up all night. I watched you sleep for a while, but I was afraid I'd disturb you. So I came outside."
AJ glides to the chair opposite hers and sits down, tucking his left ankle under his right knee. Yet they still don't look at each other; eyes remain fixed on the horizon. "Something bothering you?"
"Not really. I'm fine." She shrugs.
"Oh no," he smiles wryly. "You're not fine. Whenever you say you're fine, it automatically means that something's wrong."
"Nothing's wrong."
"Wanna talk about it?"
"I said, nothing's wrong." Her voice sounds soft, resigned.
Their conversation is slow, with heavy pauses between each comment - each as tangible as one of the raindrops splashing on the railing in front of them. Each pause in itself carries as much meaning as a hundred words.
A pensive look passes over Leila's face. Then, voice very quiet: "Why do you tell me you love me?"
AJ is caught unprepared. "Because I do."
"No. You don't."
The lightning alternately brings her face into and out of shadow, giving her a strangely mysterious air. A chill runs down AJ's spine just from looking at her.
"How can you question what I feel for you?" He is immediately shocked and frightened.
Leila's eyes flick from the sky down to her hands, her perfectly manicured fingernails; she clicks them together nervously. "It's just that...sometimes...I get the feeling that I don't mean to you what you mean to me. And it scares me."
"What?" He is indignant. "How long have you felt this way?"
"I don't know. It comes and goes."
He turns to her, his gaze intense. "That's crazy. It's just crazy. Leila, you know you mean everything to me. I couldn't live without you."
She sighs. "It's easy to say. And it sounds convincing, but...for some reason I just can't bring myself to believe it. I'm sorry, AJ. You know I love you with all my heart."
"Then how is it that I can believe you when you tell me that - but you can't believe me?" She remains silent, eyelids blinking a few times in rapid succession. "Leila, this amazes me. And it scares me too."
"I'm sorry. I should never have said anything..."
"But then you'd have this trapped inside you. And this is something we really do need to talk about. We can get through this - but only if you let yourself believe me when I tell you that I love you." AJ's voice is low, emotional. This is so unreal, he thinks. This is insane.
"Okay, you love me," Leila whispers. "But that's not the same as being in love with me. There's a difference."
He pinches the bridge of his nose; lets his eyes shut for a moment. Takes a deep breath. "I can't...I just can't understand. After all these months. You haven't believed me...not once."
"It's not that I don't believe you," she rushes to correct herself. "I do. Well, I want to. It's just not that easy."
"But why?"
"Every girl on the planet wants you. It's just hard for me to believe that out of all of them, you'd want me." Leila's voice is so quiet he can barely hear her. She continues to look away from him - meeting his eyes might be her undoing. She needs to stay together. This is important.
"Don't you see? I want you. Not one of the billion other girls in the world. You. No questions asked." AJ reaches up to stroke his goatee absently with graceful fingers. "Lei, from the moment I saw you, I knew you were the only one I could ever want to be with. Remember the first time we met? You walked away from me, and Nick came over and said, 'Who was that?' and I told him: 'She's the one.'" He glances at her, sees that her eyes are filled with tears. "It was a gut feeling, but my heart confirmed it as time went on and I got to know more and more about you. And now, tonight, I want you more than ever."
For a few seconds they are both too overwhelmed by this confession to speak. Thunder rumbles; a cloud passes over the moon, veiling them both in shadow.
"I'm sorry, AJ," she murmurs finally, her voice catching in her throat. "I don't know why I'm acting like this. I just get so confused sometimes. Being me isn't easy."
"I know," he comforts her, and reaches over to lay a gentle hand on her arm.
She continues, seeking forgiveness. "I guess I just wanted to talk about it...to make sure I was wrong. You know?"
"It's okay, Lei. Don't beat yourself up about it." He gets up and walks to the side of the balcony and picks a flower off a bush growing near the railing. He looks at it: it's a white rose. The plant was a present from his aunt; it was given to him lovingly, and that thought in itself comforts him. He sets it on the glass tabletop in front of Leila.
"Look, Lei. This flower is like the love I feel for you. It's not perfect...but it's natural. It's real. It makes you feel good."
"Maybe, but look at it. You just killed this flower by giving it to me."
"But I can't keep what I feel locked up inside. If I don't give it to you, I'm the one who's going to be killed."
She sighs again, but puts a smile on her face to make him happy. Neither of them knows how long they've been talking; there is no such thing as time in the deep blackness of this night. They may have been out here for minutes, or maybe hours.
Without warning, the small lamp that Leila had left on before the power went out comes to life. "Power's back on," she says with affected casualness.
"Yeah." AJ yawns unintentionally, feels badly afterwards. He has no reason to be tired. He's not the one who's been up all night worrying.
She finally turns and looks at him, with those onyx eyes that hold his entire world. "Alex," - she calls him by his first name, a sign that she is not to be argued with - "you should probably go back to sleep now. You've got to be up early tomorrow, right?"
"I guess." He is not overly anxious to leave her. Returning to the cold, empty bed while she sits out here alone is a particularly unappealing proposition. "But if you ever need to talk about this, or anything at all, please don't hesitate. I'm here for you."
"Thank you." She reaches over and takes his hand, giving it a squeeze. He knows as well as she does that they won't discuss this again, despite his offer. It's merely a certainty: that this topic is no longer open to discussion. She'll refuse to talk about it, or he'll simply lack the courage to bring it up.
AJ pushes his chair back and stands up. He leans down and kisses Leila gently on the temple, brushing a few loose strands of hair out of the way. Saddened, he leaves her sitting alone on the balcony to return to a fitful sleep.
Leila remains there until dawn. After the most remarkable Florida thunderstorm she's ever witnessed, the sun finally streaks the sky with gold and rust. The welcome light and warmth banish all hints of shadow from her face. And even though a solitary tear slips down her cheek, she looks at the flower AJ left behind, and feels less alone.
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