The Way You Said Hello ~ Chapter Thirty

Last night had changed everything for me.

As I sat in the bathroom with my head in my hands, my entire world had shifted imperceptibly, yet monumentally - it was a shift in the way I thought and a shift in the way I felt. It showed me what I needed, what was the right thing to do. At least, that's what I thought then - it turned out to be wrong, all wrong. But I didn't know it at the time: that night, I had decided to leave AJ for good.

There was only one catch: he didn't have a clue.

There was no final goodbye, not even a hint that things were less than normal. I had simply made up my mind and left. I was sure he was worried about why I had gone, but he probably thought that we were still…us. I dreaded having to tell him otherwise.

In the car on the way home, I had doubted my decision but decided that in the long run it would be the best thing for me. I swore Gillie to secrecy and told her everything. She herself thought it didn't make much sense, but if it was what I wanted, she would support me. I love that girl.

I had tossed and turned all night, barely sleeping: now it was Sunday afternoon, and I was studying for a calculus test the next day. I sat at the kitchen table, books spread out around me, trying to absorb the information but not really succeeding. I told myself I was just tired, but I was lying. I was upset and apprehensive. I didn't want to have to face AJ, but when the doorbell rang at four thirty, I knew it was time.

I swallowed, took a deep breath, pushed the hair back from my forehead. I stood up and walked to the front door. Inside, my stomach was tossing and turning; my legs felt like jelly - but I was determined that he would know nothing of my internal distress. I put on a brave face and swung the door open.

I was right - it was AJ. He looked fine except for the dark circles under his eyes. Not much sleep, I suppose - but then, I hadn't gotten that much either. The poor guy even smiled at me as I opened the door. I bet he wouldn't have smiled if he knew what was coming.

"AJ…what are you doing here?" I asked him cautiously. He brushed past me as I stood in the doorway, powerless to stop him. He faced me and raised his eyebrows.

"What am I doing here?" he repeated. After I nodded, he continued, "You've never asked me that question before. Where did you go last night? You didn't even say goodbye." His voice was worried, his arms crossed. I hazarded a glance into his eyes, and they were almost my undoing. I looked away quickly.

"I was thinking. And…I needed to get away. From everyone. From you." I breathed deeply - almost a sigh, but lacking in melancholy - and fidgeted under his laser sharp gaze. "I'm still trying to get away from you." I whirled around to walk away into the hallway, but he caught up with me and placed his hand on my shoulder, bringing me back to him.

"What are you talking about?" he asked, amazed. "Is this because of what Eva told you last night? Because if it is, that is so…"

I interrupted him by laughing spitefully. "Oh god, no. I would hope you'd know by now that I'm not *that* stupid. I've just realized something." My voice was calm, emotionless. I found within me the strength to look him in the eye and not feel intimidated. "I realized that this is impossible."

"What? What's impossible?" His eyebrows knit together, confusion and worry written there.

"Us, AJ!" I said with force, my voice rising a notch. I brushed his hand from my shoulder and took a step back. We were standing in the hallway facing each other: the air crackled with tension. I absorbed it and grew stronger from it. No longer was I the passive one: I wanted to finish this, and by god, that's what I was going to do. I continued: "Look at all this! Have you even noticed what's happening to our friends? They're all falling apart."

Confusion grew. "But I don't see how…"

I cast him a glare. I was remembering exactly why I had decided we could never work, and it gave me determination. As I spoke, I ticked off the list on my fingers. "For god's sake, AJ, open your eyes. Gillie and Howie couldn't work out even though they were 'perfect' for each other. Now Howie's already gotten another girlfriend after only, what? A week? Maybe less. How's that for moving fast? Your cousin Eva… oh god your cousin Eva! First she nearly inadvertently broke us up the first time when I heard you on the phone with her. Then she tried to come between Kevin and Anne…and when that didn't work, she told me the most unbelievable lies about you! Even Ryan and Nick, the perfect couple, are squabbling like jealous children. I don't know what the hell is going on with them. Then there are Brian and Eilene - I won't even *start* on Brian and Eilene. What a disaster. Can't you see?" I concluded, trying to get him to understand. "I was so blind to think that any of us could make it together. Especially you and me, AJ."

I turned away and walked the way I came from, toward the front door. Once again AJ stopped me. "Are you listening to yourself?" he asked, attempting to reason with me. "You're making absolutely no sense. This is crazy." But even he was unsure that I would give up - I could tell from the way he looked at me.

"No, AJ, *this* is crazy!" I growled. "You. Me. What do we have, anyway? We're worlds apart. I'm tired of this - tired of everyone's fighting, because that could be our future, and I don't want that."

He took a moment to process this information. "So, what, you're just giving up? Are you saying you'd rather be alone than stay with me *just* because we may fight in the future?"

"Don't trivialize this, AJ!" I snapped, hurt. "Why are we trying so hard, anyway? Have you asked yourself that?"

"Why do you even have to ask me that, Becky?" My question had shocked him, and his arms fell to his sides. He was beginning to realize how serious I was, but he wouldn't give up without a fight.

I answered his question emotionally. "Because I'm not so sure myself anymore. Isn't it all just a bunch of wasted promises and trust?" I fought to keep my voice in check, but it betrayed me and wobbled almost undiscernibly.

AJ grabbed my hands and held them in his, pleading. "Becky, you're smart, and I thought you would've realized that there's more to *us*" - he squeezed my hands - "than shallow feelings."

I squinted my eyes as I stared down at the ground. "That's what they all say," I responded bitterly.

"But we're better than the rest of them!" he exclaimed. "You can't give up now…We are so close."

"Oh yeah...close to what?" I was hard and biting and daring - I yearned for him to give me a certain answer, but at the same time wished with all my heart that he would not. He did.

"Close to *love.*" He paused, and his voice grew sarcastic in an attempt to protect himself. "Ooh, I said the scary word, didn't I? Are you gonna run and hide now? Because I do love you - I always have, and you know it."

I wrenched my hands free and pulled back from him roughly. My eyes were wide, my heart beating out of control. "Stop!" I screamed, panicked. "Just stop right now! You have no reason to love me! What have I ever given you? You don't need me…" My speech was more to reassure myself than him, for this "love" thing complicated matters greatly.

I was hurting him more than I knew. "You don't know what I feel for you," he murmured quietly, his voice breaking. "You don't know. You don't understand." The first shimmer of tears appeared in his eyes. Seeing them felt like a punch in the stomach. I wanted so desperately to forget everything and fall into his arms, but I couldn't…I just couldn't…I wouldn't let myself…

I backed up a few more steps until I nearly hit the wall. "This would be better for both of us. Trust me," I told him, but the words sounded hollow even to myself.

AJ advanced a step or two to re-close some of the distance between us. He was growing more desperate than I had ever seen him; it was as if he were pleading for his own life.

"If you leave me now…" he began, his voice broken. "I don't know what I'll do. You're the only one…I mean, I thought we were willing to give this our all, to try as hard as we could? Or have you forgotten that too?"

I remembered our first night together. "I was wrong," I said with conviction. "And you know what?" Pause. "I should never have sent that e-mail in the first place."

This was the twist of the dagger, the final blow. I was cruel, I was harsh - it did more harm to him than any physical blow could have ever done. AJ was stopped dead in his tracks, his mouth hanging open. "No…" he whispered, then repeated more loudly: "No! Don't say that…If I had lived these last few months without you…No, I don't even want to think about not knowing you."

When would he get it? "You're not being rational. Think of what might happen!"

"But it might NOT happen!" he yelled. "How would you know unless we try?"

I clenched my fists, frustrated. I hadn't known how hard this would be for me. "We wouldn't, AJ, and we *won't*. I'm not going to take the chance of being hurt again. It's happened too many times already. We've run into so many obstacles-"

"But they've made us stronger! We've grown closer through them-"

I finished my sentence: "But sooner or later one of them is going to tear us apart. How long could we last? Your fame is going to lead you somewhere I won't be able to follow. Where is that gonna be? And when? A week, a month…" My voice trailed off as I saw his face fall.

"Two weeks." This time it was he who could not meet my eye.

I was caught off guard. "What?"

"In two weeks we leave for our world tour. It's only for a few months, it's not forever - I was going to tell you-" he tried to explain, but I cut him off.

"Oh, you were going to tell me, huh? This is exactly what I'm talking about." A tour? He was leaving? It wasn't possible, oh, it couldn't be possible…but it wouldn't matter, anyway, right? I mean, I was going to leave him anyway… I told myself this didn't matter, but I knew it wasn't true. "We have to stop this…" It was my final plea: "If you can't do this for you, AJ, then do this for ME."

He clung to any hope possible. "Becky…" The tears had started on his part, though I held mine in.

"Stop. Just leave." The pain tore me apart, begging me to let him stay: but my head ruled my heart for once, and I held firm. It was the hardest thing I had ever done.

"I can't-" He was crying fully, now, and my body was beginning to betray me as well. I began to cry.

I bowed my head to hide the silent tears. Please, AJ, I begged him inside my head. Please understand. Please don't make this hard for me. "Just…please leave…"

And that was it. He finally admitted defeat, his head hanging low, hot tears running down his face. He turned to walk out, but stopped before he reached the door. Turning to face me for the last time, he placed his shaking hand over his heart, then touched it to my lips. It was wetted by my teardrops, and my body shook as I wept without a sound. I would have given this life and the next just to rush into his welcoming embrace, but it was too late now. I was too stubborn: though I died on the inside, my lips were still, my body was still - I did not say a word.

My silence extinguished the last of his hope. The fire in his eyes finally sputtered and went out, his spirit having given up. He turned and left silently, shutting the door gently behind him.

As the door closed, I collapsed to the ground, giving in to grief and crying angrily. How could he do this to me? How could I do it to myself? But underneath it all, I could only ask myself one thing…

Dear god, what had I done?

~

Continue to chapter thirty-one

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