The Way You Said Hello ~ Chapter Thirty-One

Nearly two weeks had passed. The day after the fight, I had gone to school as usual. I would not let anyone know I was less than fine: it would be a sign of weakness, and I told myself I was not weak. I did take my calculus test, though, as was expected of me; I failed, of course. It was the first thing I had ever failed in my life.

Gillie was the only one who had any idea what was going on. I couldn't even tell Ryan, because she might talk about it with Nick, and he might talk about it with AJ - and I didn't want him to think I would tell everyone about something like that. I may have wanted him out of my life, but I couldn't stand the thought that he might think less of me.

So, with the exception of Gil (who didn't even know about the "break-up" itself, only that I had desired it) I was alone in my grief. No one to turn to, no one to comfort me - it was all I could do to make it through a day without giving up hope of ever being happy.

I rarely cried - it was just a thing with me. Never cry unless you mean it. I was afraid that I wouldn't mean it, and crying without meaning cheapens things. I didn't want to cheapen my sorrow. So I didn't cry. Simple.

The first week, I had to say, was the worst. AJ called twice, inspiring more guilt and heart-wrenching pain than I had felt before in my life.

The first time:

It was a grueling day at school, and I'd barely struggled through it well enough to make it home in one piece. I went through the motions when I got home: unlock the door, let the dogs out, turn on the computer…but my heart just wasn't in anything I did. My heart was occupied elsewhere, though I couldn't admit that to myself yet.

Soon after I'd walked in the door, the phone started ringing. I didn't feel like talking much, but I jogged to the phone anyway and was just about to snatch it up from the hook when I noticed that the number on the caller ID was painfully familiar. My arm slowly fell back to my side as I let it ring. The answering machine turned on, and I sank to my knees on the cold tile floor as AJ's voice filled the room.

BEEP. "…Becky? Becky, if you're there, please pick up the phone." Pause. I didn't move. "Okay, well…I just needed to hear your voice, and the answering machine was all I could think of. It wasn't enough, though. I need to talk to you." Pause. I thought he was finished, but instead of continuing, he began to (oddly enough) sing. My heart leapt into my throat as his usually strong voice grew scratchy and weak as he sang:

"…Can't remember why we fell apart - From something that was so meant to be - Forever was the promise in our hearts - Now more and more I wonder where you are… - Do I ever cross your mind, anytime? - Do you ever wake up reaching out for me? - Do I ever cross your mind, anytime? - I miss you… - No more loneliness and heartache - No more crying myself to sleep - No more wondering about tomorrow - Won't you come back to me, come back to me? Ohhh…"

His voice faded out, and instead of a goodbye or anything of the sort, he replaced the phone on the receiver with a soft click. The message ended, and the red light on the machine started flashing. The new silence was deafening in my ears - all I could hear and feel was the pounding of my heart. I didn't move a muscle. Kneeling on the floor, my head spun.

He had to sing. He just had to sing. Brian McKnight - it was one of my favorites, and he knew that. The bastard - he was so perfect. Why couldn't he just understand me and move on?

I didn't return that message. I didn't return the next message either, which he left two days later. It ran something like this:

"Becky? I know you're there. Please pick up the phone." Pause. "I can't stop thinking about you. I need you…I need to hear your voice. I need to touch you. I can't be…I just can't be without you. Don't be afraid of me…I'll never hurt you. Never. Please call me." And lastly, the obligatory click as he hung up the phone.

There was no singing this time. Maybe his spirits were too low to even sing, though if that were the case, I could just imagine how poorly his goddamned tour would go.
I didn't get another call for a week. The next Wednesday afternoon, a week and a half since I had last seen AJ, Ryan showed up at my house after school.

"Ryan! What are you doing here?" I asked, surprised, when I opened the door.

"Get your stuff together," she said insistently. "We're going to the movies."

I just stared at her. "It's a Wednesday," I said bluntly. I glanced at my watch. "And it's four o'clock."

"So?" she smiled. "Let's go."

I sighed. "Fine," I conceded and grabbed my purse from the kitchen counter. I slipped a pair of flip-flops on and brushed my hair up into a sloppy ponytail before following Ryan out to her car. I felt apathetic and tired - there wasn't a drop of energy in my entire body. Thus, I had no energy to resist Ryan's naïve charm. It's not like I had anything better to do anyway.

I listlessly climbed into her car, which was waiting outside. I stared out the windshield as we pulled out of the driveway, my arms folded across my chest.

"Gillie told me you weren't feeling too wonderful," Ryan initiated our conversation. "What's wrong?"

"I'm *fine*," I murmured through clenched teeth.

"You always say you're fine when you get suicidal," she argued reasonably. "Is this about AJ?"

"You could say that," I said sarcastically. "Look, Ryan, I really don't want to talk about anything remotely resembling AJ right now. Okay?" I went back to staring out the window.

"Okaaaay…" Ryan muttered. "Whatever you want, Becks."

A thought jumped into my mind. I turned to her. "One question. What on earth is going on with you and Nick?!" I asked incredulously.

She looked confused for a minute, but then looked as if she remembered something and her face lit up with understanding. "Oh, you mean the party! God, I can't believe I haven't talked to you since then." She coughed, cleared her throat. "Nick and I were just getting on each other's nerves that day. I don't quite know why, but…I don't know. It's like, when two people love each other as much as Nick and I do, we love each other a little TOO much, and then we fight. That doesn't make much sense, does it?" She laughed softly.

"Not really," I said, grinning faintly for the first time. "But you guys are okay now?"

She nodded enthusiastically. "Perfectly fine. We felt really bad about that little…uhh…screaming thing at Kev's house at the party, but it was just a little…mess up, ya know? It didn't mean a thing."

"I'm so glad," I sighed in relief. No matter how much angst I was currently wallowing in, I hated to see my friends less than happy. They meant more to me than almost anything.

We arrived at the movie theater and went inside. I couldn't tell you what movie we saw if my life depended on it: I didn't pay attention to a single word. Most of the time, my eyes were closed: I could imagine AJ's arm around my shoulders, his chin resting softly on my head. These images were more vivid when my eyes were closed, and I'd rather picture that than watch a movie any day. It wrenched my heart from my chest when I opened my eyes to find an empty chair next to me. Let's just say that the movie was of little importance to me.

Ryan took me home, her attempt to cheer me up having failed miserably. At least I wasn't worried about her and Nick anymore…what little consolation that was.

As soon as I got home, I checked the answering machine out of habit. The red light was flashing, and my heart involuntarily sped up at the thought that AJ had called again. I quickly reprimanded myself: I was the one who had torn us apart. I was protecting myself from being hurt like my friends were…like I had been before. I kept trying to remember how important that was for me, but my argument didn't sound so convincing any more.

I pressed the play button on the answering machine. Yes, it was AJ! I didn't know whether to smile or throw something. The message began: "Becky…This is really important. I *need* to talk to you. Now." Pause. "Well…first of all…I had forgotten to tell you this before, but I found this, um…There's this song. I found it when we were getting your CD's together for Kevin's party. The words…Just go listen to it. Please. It puts into words perfectly what I feel right now. It's on the Brian McKnight CD. Number six. There's something else…"

He wasn't finished, but I let the message play and ran into my room to find the CD. I could listen to the rest of it afterwards. Right now I had to find this song…

I quickly walked to my CD rack and found the right one; opening the case, I placed the CD into the player and turned it to the right track. The song was called "6, 8, 12." As I heard the words, I felt something inside myself die and something new emerge.

~

Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep?
In the middle of the night when you awake
Are you calling out for me?

Do you ever reminisce?
I can't believe I'm acting like this…
I know it's crazy
How I still can feel your kiss…

It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours since you went away
I miss you so much and I don't know what to say…
I should be over you, I should know better but it's just not the case
It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours since you went away.

Do you ever ask about me?
Do your friends still tell you what to do?
Every time the phone rings
Do you wish it was me calling you?

Do you still feel the same?
Or has time put out the flame?
I miss you…
Is everything okay?

It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours since you went away
I miss you so much and I don't know what to say…
I should be over you, I should know better but it's just not the case
It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours since you went away

It's hard enough just passing the time
When I can't seem to get you off my mind…
And where is the good in goodbye?
Tell me why, tell me why…

~

Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my cheeks, and this time I didn't have to worry about meaning it or cheapening things. These tears were real…they were tears of understanding. I had made such a mistake. Why did I let him go?

"I am such an IDIOT!" I screamed through my tears. "God, it's all bullshit…" I sobbed, my hands shaking. "I could have tried harder…I could have realized…We could have made it. I didn't have to be such a fucking coward!" I yelled at no one but myself. Sniffling, I wiped the errant tears from my cheeks. "It's not too late…" I whispered. "It's not too late!"

I stood and ran back to the answering machine in the other room. I started the message over and waited to listen to the end.

"There's something else…the tour starts next week. That means I have to leave today to go to Europe. Please…please just come to the airport to say goodbye. It's all I ask." All I could think was: I have to go, I need to go! Please, god, let me get there in time… He continued: "My flight leaves at six o'clock. Flight number 923 to London. Please come." And that was all.

I ran into the kitchen and grabbed my purse again from where I had discarded it. Running toward the front door, I felt hope surge up in my chest as I was given a last chance. I had… How much time *did* I have to get to the airport, anyway?

I glanced at my watch, and stopped dead in my tracks. It was six-fifteen. AJ was gone - his flight had already left. I didn't get the chance to see him again, or even say goodbye. It was over. I was too late.

~

Continue to chapter thirty-two

Send feedback to Becky

~

Back to TWYSH Index
Back to Becky's Page
Back to Backstreet Crew main page