The Way You Said Hello ~ Chapter Thirty-Two

I was too late. Too late, too late…

The words haunted me - for nearly three weeks they were tossed around inside my head, tormenting and teasing me. Too late - I was too late to save my relationship with AJ. Too late to save myself.

As if I even could save myself! AJ may have wanted me to take him back a few weeks ago when he called my answering machine practically every other day…but ever since he had left on tour, he hadn't tried to get in touch with me once. Maybe he simply didn't have time to call, but I doubted that was the reason. I wouldn't be surprised if he had come to his senses and never wanted to talk to me again. But I deserved it - god, I deserved this pain, and I deserved so much more.

Of course, Nick called Ryan every day, and Kevin called Anne nearly as often, so I got to hear what the guys were up to over there in Europe. But it just wasn't the same. I missed hearing AJ's voice…rough like sandpaper but, to me, as soft and smooth as velvet. I had first gotten to know him through his voice, and it was what I missed most about him now.

But still, I yearned for the touch of his warm hands on my body…the moist cloud of his hot breath on my earlobe. What living, breathing human being wouldn't? I missed these things, and I missed his mind. His remarkable sense of humor, his daredevilish affinity for getting himself in trouble, and his unbelievable ability to make me come to life. I had never fully lived until I had met AJ. Now he was gone, and I reflected his absence in everything I did.

My friends noticed it, but only a handful understood. Eilene was still wrapped up in her confusion about Brian, and though she tried to console me, she was of little help. Ryan and Anne partially sympathized with me, as Nick and Kevin were off on tour as well, but at least they had the assurance that their boyfriends still loved them…still cared.

Gillian, as usual, was the best at keeping me from giving up all hope. "Keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel," she'd always tell me. It was her favorite expression. Every day at school when I'd be standing in the middle of a group of people, pretending to be interested but really a few thousand miles elsewhere, Gillie would pull me aside.

"Keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, Becks," she'd say. I'd fall into her friendly hug, wishing I could cry but not finding the tears within me. Instead of becoming more emotional since AJ and I had split up, I had been washed of all feeling - drained completely, unable to feel a thing. I did exactly what had caused me to push AJ away in the first place: close myself off from the people who mattered most. I was hurting and wishing I could turn back time and erase my mistakes.

That was how things had been going for three weeks. Three weeks ago AJ had left - well, twenty-four days, to be precise. And it had been forty-one days since I had last seen him: that was when I had made him leave. Today was February 27, a Saturday. And I was a wreck.

All I could do was sit…and stare…and think. Curled up in front of the fireplace on a cold rainy night, I had never felt more alone. Empty, hollow - these words described me, but only to a degree. No words possessed the depth of feeling that I harbored in my chest that night.

I was sitting on the couch. Outside, the rain beat down in sheets, but I felt it inside the house as well. The cool dampness permeated the air, surrounding me, leaving no surface untouched by its presence. It hovered the house like a living entity, watching over me. I felt it as a physical manifestation of my sorrow and loneliness; it became more a part of me each time I pulled it deep into my lungs with shaky breaths.

The fire that crackled in front of me did nothing to help. Neither did the thick blanket I had wrapped tightly around my shoulders: I was cold from within as well as from without. Tonight I was horribly, miserably alone, and all I could think about was the times we had shared together.

~
I booted up my computer and logged on. There were only a few people there, and I didn't know any of them. I was about to leave when I got a private message.

"Hey…umm could you help me out with something?"

"Sure, what can I help you with?" I said.

"Well I think I have the email address of one of the Backstreet Boys and I was wondering if it was real or not."

I raised an eyebrow. "Which Backstreet Boy?"

"A.J."
~

I smiled wistfully. That was the moment my life had changed - for the better or for the worse, I still wasn't sure. I had taken a chance when I sent that first message: a chance that I would be proven wrong. But I wasn't…I was right, and it blew my mind. I still didn't believe it was really AJ, though. More memories bombarded me…

~
I snapped my eyes open and grabbed the phone.

"Hello?" I asked breathlessly.

After what seemed like an eternity of silence on the other end, I heard someone clear their throat. I felt a bolt of electric shock tingle from my ear to every cell in my body as-

"Becky?" a deep, raspy voice practically whispered.

I jerked the phone away from my ear and held it in front of my face. I stared at it like some foreign object I had never seen before. My jaw hung open as I continued to stare at it. I heard a low voice ask, unsurely, "Hello?"

I quickly brought the phone back to my ear. "Yes, sorry," I stammered.

I would know that voice anywhere. I would know that voice even if I were deaf. I couldn't believe it.

"Do you believe me now?" he said more confidently.
~

What a shock it had been. I had been so doubtful that AJ was really the person I had been talking with for weeks…the surprise I'd felt when I heard his voice was nearly enough to kill me. I had been right!

And there was something in that voice… a capability for affection… an underlying passion. This voice was what captured my heart. I shivered unconsciously and wandered further through my flashback journey.

~
He glanced at me and noticed my grin. He politely nodded and stood up. As he was turning to go back to his table, I quickly said, "You know, it's a shame I decided to come. I really was looking forward to waiting by the phone."

His head snapped around and his eyes pierced mine with a thousand daggers. His mouth hung slightly open as he asked incredulously, "Becky?"

"Well, I guess you won't have to call me tonight when you get home, will you?" I beamed. He actually recognized my voice-so far, so good.

He continued to gawk at me, standing completely still, until I laughingly said, "Alexander James, didn't your mother teach you it isn't polite to stare?"
~

This was perhaps the riskiest of all the chances I took with AJ. Showing up at Pleasure Island without even telling him…it was crazy, but it sure as hell worked, didn't it? It SHOULD have taken all of my strength to remain calm when we met, but amazingly I didn't even need to try. Everything between us was smooth and natural, even from the start.

I pulled the blanket tighter around my shoulders and curled my knees up to my chin. I could remember all these times as if they were days ago, even though it had really been months.

~
I walked past him and sat down on the bed. I curled up so that my knees were pulled tight to my chin and my arms were wrapped around my legs. I was trying to make myself as small a target as possible.

AJ's face softened as he stood by the window watching me. He slowly walked toward me and sat down next to me. He wrapped his arms around me and pressed me close to him. I sighed but didn't move - until he leaned close and whispered in my ear:

"Someone once told me something that I've taken to heart. They said, 'You've got to dance like no one's watching, and love like it's never going to hurt.' If you don't do that, Becky, what's your life for, anyway? Don't be afraid to open up. It's the only way for you to find yourself." He paused for a few moments, and his arms gripped me a bit tighter as he said, "When I'm ready, when we're both ready…all I know is I want you to be the one." His breath tickled my earlobe and I gave an involuntary shudder. I unfolded myself from my position and moved closer into his arms without a word.
~

I had poured my heart out to him that night. Warning him that I was incapable of love, I tried desperately to place a barrier between us at the beginning. AJ would have nothing of it, though. He offered himself to me completely…placing his heart on the line. Just the thought caused me to squeeze my eyes shut and swallow hard. The tears would have come had I allowed them. Instead, I continued to remember.

~
For what seemed like an infinite amount of time, his lips hovered millimeters from mine. I could feel his warm, moist breath on my mouth, and could hear his breathing in tempo with my own. I felt a surge of empowerment rise up within me, and I grew tired of waiting. I closed the gap between us, and our lips met for the first time.

It began softly, our lips barely touching. He was gentle but firm, and I willingly met his challenge and responded eagerly. Our mouths opened at nearly the same instant, our tongues teasing each other before fully tangling, dueling. Everything was smooth and natural, like we had been kissing each other for our entire lives-though I had never experienced anything like it before.

He ran his fingers gently through my hair, pulling it back from my forehead in a soft sweeping motion. The flat of my palm rested against his cheek, my thumb rubbing back and forth slowly against the stubble I found there. A small moan emerged from deep inside his throat that made every muscle in my body tremble.
~

This, perhaps, was my favorite memory of all. The first kiss. Maybe the whole thing was terribly cliché…but I didn't care. My mind lingered on it - I couldn't place it into words, but instead simply conjured up the pure sensation of it. Waking up and finding his lips with mine…in the morning half-light, in a hotel room bed which had so innocently shared…it was heaven. It was hell. It was everything to me. I placed a trembling hand to my lips and wondered if I would ever be kissed like that again.

~
AJ took his sunglasses off and put them in his pocket. "Come on," he said, taking my hand and leading me back toward the water. We found a quiet, deserted spot and made ourselves comfortable in the soft sand. I leaned against his bare shoulder as he thought to himself.

"That one," he finally said, pointing toward the sky.

"That one what?" I asked, breathing softly.

"That star," he said, his voice gravelly - raspier than usual. "That star is ours forever. It's the brightest one in the sky, so you'll always be able to find it. If anything ever happens to us, that star will keep on shining, just like I'll keep caring for you."
~

I impulsively leapt to my feet, keeping the blanket clutched tightly around myself. I walked quickly to the window and gazed upward into the night sky. Searching desperately for the one star he had promised would always be there, I could not find it. It was hidden by the storm clouds that were raining on my sadness this night… How appropriate. Not even it could bring me solace. I remained standing there. Placing my forehead against the cold glass of the window and watching the rain fall outside, I continued to remember…

~
"Yeah, you can come over tonight…No, she won't be here. She's never even been to my house." He paused for a minute. "Baby, don't worry. We can be alone." His voice was gentle and full of affection.

I was frozen…I couldn't move. My throat constricted, and suddenly I found it heard to breathe. What was going on? I couldn't believe he would do this…after all we'd been through. No, I wouldn't believe it. But what other explanation could there be? My heart protested weakly-it begged to simply stop beating, the betrayal was so painful.
~

This was one of the memories I could look back on and marvel at how foolish I was. I had learned from this mistake - learned not to jump to conclusions. I had told myself I would learn to trust AJ more, but evidently I failed at that. If I really trusted him like I should have, I would never have pushed him away. Would I?

~
"Help?" AJ smirked knowingly. "Who said anything about help?"

Our eyes met across the table, and we both grinned. If there was anything that we could do tonight to occupy ourselves, it was help out our friends in their relationships.

"So who's up for a game of matchmaker?" I said evilly.
~

We had been so foolish, believing that we could convince our friends to fall in love with each other. Sure, it had worked for Ryan and Nick, but look at Gillie and Howie…or, better yet, at Brian and Eilene! Their relationships lacked the depth and complexity of ours. They had simply met backstage at a concert…they hadn't watched themselves open up to each other slowly; they hadn't put their hearts at risk. AJ and I were different. We were special. At least, before I had panicked…

I turned my face from the window and watched the fire crackle steadily at the other end of the living room. It was so cold…so cold without AJ.

~
I had made a mistake believing I could love anyone without being hurt. Just being with AJ was a disaster in the making. Finally, this time I was going to do something about it before anything else could happen... No matter how much it broke my heart, I was going to stay away from AJ. Starting now.
~

"What was I thinking?" I angrily asked myself, not realizing I spoke out loud. Of course it had made sense at the time, but now I felt nothing but regret. I walked slowly toward the couch, preparing to sit back down. As my footsteps pounded on the wooden floor, I turned to a last and final memory.

~
And that was it. He finally admitted defeat, his head hanging low, hot tears running down his face. He turned to walk out, but stopped before he reached the door. Turning to face me for the last time, he placed his shaking hand over his heart, then touched it to my lips. It was wetted by my teardrops, and my body shook as I wept without a sound. I would have given this life and the next just to rush into his welcoming embrace, but it was too late now. I was too stubborn: though I died on the inside, my lips were still, my body was still - I did not say a word.

My silence extinguished the last of his hope. The fire in his eyes finally sputtered and went out, his spirit having given up. He turned and left silently, shutting the door gently behind him.
~

So there it was. He was gone, and he was never coming back. I had made sure of that. I silently cursed myself for the billionth time. Why couldn't I see the truth? I was just a coward. AJ was different from everyone else who had hurt me before. All he wanted was to love me, but I couldn't let him get that close. Now I had lost my chance, and I would never find that kind of love again.

Suddenly I was interrupted from walking back toward the couch by the ringing of the doorbell. Who could possibly want to show up at my house late on a rainy night? I dropped the blanket from my shoulders and trudged to the door. Glancing through the smoked-glass window in the door, a bolt of surprise ran through me-

"Oh my god…" I whispered, in shock, my hand shaking as it covered my mouth. Was I dreaming? I glanced through the window again to check. I thought he would never want to see me again… what was he doing here? I slowly pulled the door open, and the tears welled up in my eyes at the sight of AJ standing on my doorstep, soaked to the bone.

~

Continue to chapter thirty-three

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