Stay or Let it Go
Based on the
(gorgeous) song by my man, Brian McKnight
It's not my fault
that you made yourself a regretful past
All I know is, it makes me look bad…
When I'm holding your hand and you see old friends you knew
They walk away laughing, calling me a fool…
It was a gorgeous day. Melanie had never really been one for
gorgeous days, though - she had always preferred thunderstorms.
That was one of the things that he found so intriguing about her.
Of course, there was more to her than just her favorite type of
weather, but AJ knew that. He thought he knew everything about
her. He was wrong.
On this gorgeous day, they were walking hand-in-hand through a park in Orlando, enjoying the breeze and watching the clouds drift by above them. There were people everywhere - women, children, out for a stroll before the oppressive wave of summer washed over them to stay for five months or so.
They reached a park bench and decided to sit and rest for a few minutes. AJ cast a sideways glance at Mel as they relaxed in silence. Her messy blonde hair was up in a ponytail; her cheeks were flushed; a tiny smile danced across her lips. He thought to himself that she looked like she had a secret, and she was really enjoying keeping it to herself.
He looked away and lost himself in thought. After three months, he meditated, you'd think I'd be able to tell her that I love her. But there's something that's just not there. I don't know what it is that we're missing, but I want to find out what it is. I'd like to be able to love her, if I could…
AJ shifted in his seat and brushed his hand across her cheek. "Mel, I'm gonna go get a drink. Do you want something?"
She turned her head to look at him. "No thanks," she sighed and looked away again. "I'll wait here."
"I'll be right back, then." AJ dug his hands deep into his pockets and trudged toward a vendor in the middle of the park who was selling cold drinks. Walking up, he ordered a bottle of water and paid. As he was turning around to return to the bench, he overheard two guys his age behind him talking about something.
"Hey Josh, isn't that Mel over there?"
"Oh my god…I haven't seen her in years!"
AJ turned around and walked over to the two strangers. He looked them up and down briefly - first impressions were everything to him. These guys were dressed nicely enough, in jeans and polo shirts, and they looked respectable. Approaching them, he called out, "You know Melanie?"
The person who was called Josh and his friend glanced up at AJ, and then back at each other. It was a knowing sort of glance, the kind two friends share when they suspect that someone is about to get into trouble. AJ noticed it and immediately stiffened.
"Yeah. Who are you?" Josh asked curiously.
AJ answered slowly, "I'm AJ, her boyfriend. How do you know her?" He had a bad feeling about these two guys, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it yet. He listened as Josh answered his question.
"Mel's an old friend of mine. Well, actually…we used to be more than friends. But that was a long time ago, and I haven't seen her in an extremely long time." Josh smiled as he squinted into the sun toward where Melanie was sitting, oblivious to the conversation that was occurring.
Josh's friend, who had been focusing his eyes intently on AJ, suddenly bent his head toward Josh's and whispered something in his ear. AJ fidgeted with irritation - he hated it when people whispered in front of him, especially if it was obvious they were talking about him.
Josh nodded slowly as his friend finished what he was whispering. Turning to AJ, he asked carefully: "You *do* know about Melanie's…reputation…don't you?" His eyebrows were scrunched together, displaying his keen interest in what AJ would answer.
Confusion lit upon AJ's features. "Reputation?" he asked, puzzled.
"Yeah," Josh's sidekick piped in. "You must know about her history, man! How long have you been going out, now?"
What are they talking about? "I have absolutely no idea what you mean," AJ snapped, fed up with the interrogation. "Could you please get to the point, if you have one?"
"Hey, calm down," Josh said, smoothing his hair down. "We just thought you should know." He took a deep breath and continued. "Mel has a…reputation, I guess you could call it…of cheating. I've known her for years, all throughout high school and college. One man was never enough for her. If she had a steady boyfriend, there were always one or two others on the side for her to have a little fun with. When she and I started dating, I thought things would be different, but they weren't. I walked in on her…doing it…with another guy. People like her never change."
AJ listened to what he was told in shock. Could this be true? His Melanie? It wasn't possible. She had never once cheated on him. Well, not to his knowledge, anyway…
But then, I don't know everything about her.
His world was being turned upside down and shaken quite vigorously. AJ needed some space to think. "Umm…thanks for the information, guys, but I don't think Mel's like that. Look, I have to get back to her. I'll see ya 'round."
"Okay, but don't say we didn't warn you!" Josh's friend laughed. As AJ turned and walked away, he shouted to AJ's back: "Good luck, man! You're gonna need it!"
Don't know if we will last
But if we do last, can I erase the past?
Can you tell me, I don't know…
Should I stay or let it go?
Don't know if we're meant to be
But if we should be, could you live faithfully?
Can you tell me, I don't know…
Should I stay or let it go?
Several days passed after AJ's encounter with Melanie's ex-boyfriend in the park that afternoon. He told himself that Josh and his friend were simply jealous; that Mel would never behave like that. I know Melanie, he told himself, and my Mel would never cheat on me.
But now it was as if he'd been made aware of what was going on - and AJ started to notice things he never had before. Like, when he and Mel went out to the movies, she would smile at the guy standing next to her in line just so; or if he brought her with him to a party with the other guys, she would leave her hand resting on Brian's arm longer than she needed to. It was the little things that started to catch AJ's attention now, and he didn't like what he saw.
Maybe it was just the power of suggestion, but it was too late to blind himself again. His eyes had been opened, and he was losing trust in the woman he shared his life with…
I think of the night that I made
reservations just for two
But you gave your attention to someone across the room
I should have known right then that things just weren't right
But I couldn't see it, cuz love had me so blind…
"Mel?"
She swiveled her head back around and smiled wanly. "Yeah?" she murmured, picking up her fork and pushing the salad around on her plate.
AJ watched her, scrutinizingly. "Is everything okay? You seem a little distracted." It was an honest question, but he couldn't help the smallest ounce of sarcasm from seeping into his voice. He had noticed where her eyes had been lingering.
"Everything's fine," she assured him, her blue eyes dark. Feeling his eyes burn into the top of her head, she looked back up at him. "Jesus AJ, what's gotten into you?" she snapped, slamming her hand down on the table and causing the plates to rattle.
"No, Mel, what's gotten into you?" he bit back at her. He hated this feeling that had settled on his shoulders lately, the feeling of suspicion and doubt. Everything had been fine between Melanie and him, but now… He didn't know. Everything confused him, but he could not be mistaken about where Mel had been looking a few minutes ago: the young, attractive guy sitting alone on the other side of the room.
"Nothing's gotten into me, J!" Melanie said strongly. "Why are you acting like this? I'm the same person I've always been!"
"That's what I'm afraid of," he muttered bitterly, studying his hands in his lap, and then looking away.
Don't know if we're meant to be
But if we should be, could you live faithfully?
Can you tell me, I don't know…
Should I stay or let it go?
There was silence for a few moments. When AJ next looked back at
Mel, she had a shocked look on her face. After she slowly brought
herself back together, she cleared her throat. "And what,
exactly," she asked coldly, "was that supposed to
mean?"
For a few seconds their eyes met across the table, daringly, even confrontationally. AJ could tell that he had stunned Mel, at least a bit, with his last comment. It seemed to him a guilty reaction, and it made him feel a little more justified in starting this conversation.
"I know about your past, Mel," he said evenly. "I talked to a few of your old friends the other day. They told me about your…" he paused… "habits."
Melanie glared at him. "I see how it is," she said, her voice hard. "You hear one little rumor about me and jump to believe it. You judge me without even giving me a chance to defend myself. I guess that shows me how much you really trust me."
"Honestly, I don't know how much I do trust you anymore," AJ said, folding his arms tightly across his chest. "Whenever we go out, all you do is flirt with other guys. How am I to know that the things I've heard aren't true? You certainly haven't proven me wrong."
Melanie's eyes flashed as she leaned across the table. "You know what? You believe that bullshit because you want to believe it. If you loved me, AJ, you would at least have asked me first!"
"I don't need to ask you, Mel!" he yelled. People in the restaurant were starting to stare, but neither of them noticed. "When you throw yourself on top of someone else when you're supposed to be with me, I think I'm able to form my own opinions about what's really going on here!"
"I can't believe you
would think that," she whispered. Even though she turned her
head, AJ could see a single tear slip down her cheek.
Thinking time and
time again I tried to overlook the pain
Couldn't think of losing all we had to gain
But girl if it takes me losing you
For happiness in me
I think that I might just have to let you go…
"AJ, I don't know how to prove this to you, but I'm not like
that," she whispered after a few moments. "I'm only for
you. I always have been."
But the growing dread in his chest wouldn't let him listen. AJ squeezed his eyes shut, but the nauseous feeling was still there. How could he trust her? He was realizing more and more that he didn't even know her… "Mel, I don't know if this is true or not, but from what you've shown me, it is. I wish things could be different, but… I'm just not sure. I don't know whether to stay or let it go."
Melanie took a deep breath and drew herself up straight in her chair. "AJ, if you can forget everything we've shared just because of one thing you've heard about me, you're right. I wish things could be different too. And if you believe anything you're telling me right now then I don't know you at all, and you don't know me either…and this can never work. Goodbye, AJ. Thanks for everything." Tears flowed freely down her face as she pushed her chair back and stood up from the table.
AJ just sat in his chair with his head hanging low. He had been so sure that Mel was the wrong one for him. But now he couldn't help but wonder if maybe he had been wrong. It didn't matter now, though. He had just blown it, big time.
After AJ had been staring absently at the door for a few moments, the waiter wandered over. "Excuse me, sir, will she be coming back?"
"No, I really don't think so," AJ sighed. He sat and watched as the waiter started to clear the empty plates from the table.
"I'm sorry about that," the waiter said as he set the bill down in front of him.
"So am I," AJ said, shaking his head. "So am I."