Lonely

Co-written by
Becky and Molly

~

"If you close yourself up, afraid of being hurt by the wrong person, then you're going to end up by yourself. Lonely."

My voice was as hard as steel as I spat, "There is nothing lonelier than being with the wrong person."

(taken from "The Way You Said Hello" by Becky)

~

She was sitting at a table close to the bar in the quiet hotel, her legs resting on a second chair. She was dressed in black pants and a tight black collared pullover, with glasses on and her reddish brunette locks tamed in a ponytail. She looked cute, sitting there, reading a book.

Besides him and the barkeeper, she was the only person at the bar at this late hour. He didn't know why, but he felt the urge to walk over and talk to her. Originally he had just wanted to drink a beer or two, waste another few hours and try to get tired because he just wasn't able to sleep. Probably it was the thunderstorm outside that kept him awake. Without further hesitation he walked towards her table. The worst that cold happen would be if she told him to get lost, so why not try it? The whole day had been screwed anyway.

"Hey, whatcha reading?" he asked.

She looked up at him, over the spectacles of her glasses, a small, friendly smile appearing on her face. "Hey!" She showed him the cover of the book, saying, "The Picture of Dorian Gray." She took her legs off the chair, motioning for him to sit down. He smiled and joined her.

She looked at the guy with a warm smile. She didn't get the feeling that he was trying to pick her up. He looked somewhat sad and as restless as she was tonight. He was no stranger - well, not really. They had never met before, but she knew who he was.

"Is it good?" he asked, referring to the book. "I've never read it."

"You should, it's great - if you like authors like Wilde, that is. I'm pretty much into traditional literature: Shakespeare, Poe, Wilde. That kinda stuff," she told him.

"I love Shakespeare," he replied. "Ever since high school. We read a lot of his plays in school and even played them on-stage." He was getting lost in her eyes that sparkled in the dim light of the bar. It felt good just to be there and talk to her. She seemed to be the first friendly person that had crossed his path that day.

"Which of his plays did you read in school?" she asked, interested.

"Oh…" He thought about it for a few seconds, before beginning to name the plays: "A Midsummer Night's Dream, Othello, Romeo and Juliet - " He got no further with his list because an appalled yet quiet "Oh no!" escaped her lips. "What?" he asked.

"You've read and DISCUSSED Romeo and Juliet in school?" she asked unbelievably.

"Yeah…" he said, puzzled.

"Dude, that must've ruined the whole play for everyone in class! I know it would've ruined it for me! We read Shakespeare in school as well and I remember begging my teacher not to do that one play!" she exclaimed.

"Why?" Now it was he who was interested. He was starting to forget the troubles of the day, his insomnia, everything but the moment.

"Because when you read the play or see it, it seems like THE love story of all, right?" He nodded. "But when you begin to analyze it, you realize that it ain't at all THAT romantic and THAT heart-breaking because it wasn't really love, Juliet was a naïve dumb blonde and Romeo was a player!" He chuckled. "So that's why I never wanted to analyze it."

"You just did," he grinned.

"Nah," she smiled back. "I didn't. I never dug any deeper into analyzing it than this, so I could keep my fantasy about it being the greatest love story of all. I still look at it as my ideal of love."

"In what way?"

"Superficially looked at, it's what most of us are searching for. A love so strong from the very first moment, a love worth dying for and the kind of love you're not able to live without. But unfortunately, love at first sight rarely turns out to be just that."

"So you don't believe in love at first sight?"

"I never experienced anything like it, so I guess I can't tell. But knowing me, it will most likely never happen to me anyway. Love takes time, opening up to someone takes time, and love means trust. How can you trust someone you just met, someone you've probably never spoken a word to?!"

"So you say love at first sight is just physical attraction? But love can develop. Once you meet that person, you can get to know each other and take the time to let everything grow. Then it is love!"

"Stressing the THEN it is love. So it wasn't love when it started." She could see that he let that little discussion sink into his mind, thinking about it, and it made her smile. He was so attentive and interested. Although their conversation had just started, she already enjoyed talking to him a lot. He looked back up at her, smiling.

"I guess I agree with that," he said. He held out his hand to her: "I never introduced myself. Hi, I'm AJ."

"I know," she smiled back, shaking his hand. "I'm Molly." His smile faded a little, and she knew why. "Half the world knows who you are. I'm sorry if you're disappointed that I don't belong to the oblivious half," she stated simply.

"I'm not," he said, staring into space. "I just snapped back to reality and today being me isn't fun."

He breathed out deeply, trying to get rid of his negative thoughts. He stood up again, asking: "Can I get you a drink?"

She was glad that he didn't want to leave when he stood up. "Yeah, I'll have a Ginger Ale," she said. He soon returned with a glass of Ginger Ale for her and a beer for himself.

"Why are you down here at this hour?" he asked. "You could read in your room, you know," he chuckled. "Probably the light there is better anyway!"

"Try to read if your friend is snoring beside you like a saw," she replied. "I went to read outside then, the air was so warm and I love the cracking of the thunder, but then the rain started and I came here." She grinned: "I guess deep down I always wanted to do that. Sit down in an empty bar, enjoying the silence and the atmosphere and…" she broke into sweet giggles under her breath- "meeting a dark, handsome stranger!"

"And what was the stranger supposed to do in your fantasy?" he asked, not slyly. He was just amused by her little confession. He found her somewhat intriguing and mysterious, but that was probably because they had just met and the place and weather created that kind of atmosphere, intensified by the look in her eyes and this smile of hers.

She realized in amazement that she had no problem looking straight into his eyes all the time. She usually couldn't stand someone's stare for too long and her eyes were usually restlessly looking around. But it was different with him. Besides the fact that she couldn't tear her eyes away from his anyway, there seemed to be some kind of bond, some kind of understanding between them. She could see the sadness and vulnerability in the depth of his dark brown eyes that were usually hidden behind sunglasses. But not tonight. Tonight he seemed to have taken off his mask, taken off his defense and she wondered why he let her see it. He had most likely come down to be alone, to get away from all the people that stayed here with him. But probably he had come down because upstairs, with everyone around, he had been lonely.

"You know, I've probably seen 'Pretty Woman' way too many times…" she laughed. "But then again, I'd probably be too shy to live this fantasy anyway! Well…I never tried, though."

"I could send Kevin down here for you," he replied, with a little frown. "He's dark and handsome and unlike me, he CAN play the piano!"

She just smiled at him, letting out a little laugh. She knew that he needed some distraction from whatever was on his mind, so she shoved the book towards him, asking: "So…? You wanna know what it's about?"

They spent the next hour talking about the book, literature in general, and how music and books helped them to escape from reality, when they needed that.

During the time he was talking to her, he felt as if some heavy weight was being taken off him. He felt like he could breathe freely again. She made him laugh, amazed him, and he learned from her. He in return loved to make her laugh as well, just to see the stars in her eyes whenever she laughed. The way she listened to him felt so good. She wasn't just hanging on to every movement of his lips because of who he was; she actually really listened because she was interested in his views on things and his opinion. He couldn't remember the last time when he ahd such a deep but fun conversation.

She began to admire him, when she realized how smart he actually was. She loved to listen to what he had to say, about many different aspects of life. He was only 21, but the things he had experienced had let him grow up faster, had made him wiser than was usual for his age. She also liked the manner he said whatever he said: his voice, his gestures, his choice of words. She felt totally at ease around him, a feeling that she hardly knew around anyone, especially strangers.

After a while their conversation turned back to the topic love. They started talking about love in literature, but also let each other take sneak peeks into each other's own love life and the mostly sad or bittersweet feelings it had caused.

"There are so many different kinds of love, really," she started. "Love between friends, love between children and their parents, the love-hate-thing and also love between fans and idols! And of course between lovers! Who can decide which of those the most important one is, or if they are equal? And how do you decide if you are forced to sacrifice one kind of love for another?"

"When do you know it is love anyway?" he asked. "Especially between lovers. When do you know that you met your destined one? You make so many mistakes in relationships throughout your life, usually claiming that every new lover means more than the one before, and that this time it is love. But then one day you realize you were wrong once again, and that's how it continues. What if one day you finally meet the perfect match, your one true love, but it's already too late because you don't believe in love anymore?! Then you might let go again…and you might never be happy…"

They continued to talk like that and after a while, he let her do the talking. He felt how his eyes got wet, more and more with each of her words. He was looking down at the table, trying to hide it from her.

"AJ, what's up?" she asked, concerned. It had worried her that he had become so silent, and now she could tell that something was wrong. Were those tears that she could see?

"It's late, I'd better go," he suddenly said, standing up from the table. He turned to go, but she held him back.

"Don't leave," she said, almost pleading. On the one hand she didn't want to let him go sad like that - she wanted to make him feel better. "If you go now, you're not running away from me to hide your tears - you're running away from yourself!" But on the other hand she was just selfish. She knew if he left now, SHE would be the lonely one. It was strange how she seemed to depend on him right now, although he was the one who was hurting They had known each other for less than three hours, but she already couldn't picture herself here without him. Not in this place, not on this night, not with all the feelings he had caused that she couldn't handle right now.

He was looking down at her, oceans of tears shining in his eyes. Their eyes locked, and like the moon causing the tide, he made her eyes fill with tears as well. Slowly he sat back down, as the first tear ran down his face.

"Did I say something to make you cry?" she asked.

He wiped away a second tear. "It's not your fault. I just feel so damn lonely today." He paused for a second, before he added: "Everyday…"

"Have you ever tried to figure out what you miss?"

He looked at her with sad eyes, thinking about what she had asked. Then he shook his head: "I don't know. I've got it all, haven't I? What could I miss?" He stared at the table: "Do I dare to ask for more? I've got no reason to complain…"

She slammed her closed fist against the table indignantly. "Bullshit!" After noticing the surprised look on his face, she lowered the tone of her voice a bit, but the strong feeling was still there. "Just because you're famous doesn't mean your life is perfect. You're human, and you're allowed to wallow in self-pity every once in a while."

"Yeah, maybe." A frown danced across his lips. He looked as if he were going to say something, but stopped himself.

She laid a gentle hand on his arm. "Now, stop playing the martyr, and tell me what's on your mind. I won't judge you by it, and maybe if you're lucky, I can help." She smiled reassuringly, and AJ took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Have you ever wondered what it's like to be famous?" he began. "To have the world following your every move? To know that something you do tonight could very well be tomorrow's tabloid headlines?"

"Always," she cut in. "In a way, it fascinates me. But I know that I could never understand what it's really like." Realizing that she had interrupted him, she said apologetically, "I'm sorry. Please continue."

"It's okay," he smiled, his mind elsewhere. "Anyway, it's…it's the fame, I think. Going back to what we were talking about before. It's the fame that makes me lonely. Maybe it's made me cynical, I don't know. Nothing is ever clear and honest anymore. I can't let anyone in."

"So that's what you miss? The opportunity to let someone see you for who you really are, instead of how the media portrays you?"

He felt a spark of appreciation for this woman. She could read him like a book. "Yeah. But there's something else I miss, too."

"What's that?" Her eyebrows rose.

"You have three guesses, and the first two don't count."

They grinned at each other, and she knew exactly what he was talking about. "A normal life," she sighed. "It's what every celebrity dreams of having, and what none achieve. Why do you all wish for what you can't have? Don't you see that it's just not possible to go back to where you came from, now that you've come this far?"

"I know it's not possible," he argued. "But who says that's going to stop me from wanting it? You just said it yourself - we all want what we can't have… I just can't help wondering what it would be like to walk the streets of this city, any city, and not have anyone recognize me." He sighed. "I guess you can't understand."

"Maybe not, but only if you won't let me." Her eyes silently pleaded with him. Let me help you I promise I'll do my best. I want to. Please.

But she was met with reluctance. Although he already felt like he had known her forever and trusted her implicitly, he just had to draw the line somewhere. This girl was making him feel things he hadn't felt in a long time - maybe ever - and he had to figure out what they were before he entangled himself with her more than he already had.

He avoided her gaze and glanced toward the bar, where the bartender was cleaning up and closing down. The bartender shot AJ a glance, hoping that the two people would leave soon so that he could go home.

AJ nodded and turned back to Molly. This was the easy way out, but he was going to take it. He wasn't ready to continue their discussion in the direction it had taken. "I think our friend over there wants us out," he said softly, motioning with his head in the direction of the bar.

She stared at him evenly. "Nice try," she murmured dryly, "but it's not working with me."

Ignoring her comment, he pushed his chair back and stood up. Molly followed suit, and they stood arm's length apart, eye to eye. "Thank you for letting me get out of my world for a while," he said warmly. "Tonight has been a breath of fresh air. I hope… I hope we can talk again sometime. Soon."

"Yeah. Maybe." She felt oddly disappointed in him, and it showed through her air of indifference. He had taken off his mask only to yank it firmly back in place. She wondered why that somehow made her feel as if she had failed.

He, too, felt it in the air between them - the feeling that things had been left unfinished, unresolved. He hated to leave like this, but… "Look, I have to go. Everybody must be wondering where I am. I told them I'd be gone for a half hour, and it's been about three."

"Okay." Molly picked up her book and clasped it firmly in her hands. She watched with a heavy heart as AJ gave her a half-smile and an apologetic wave as he turned and walked slowly from the bar. Taking a few quick steps in the direction he had gone, she thought about calling him back but decided it would be pointless. She stopped and watched him get into the hotel elevator without looking back. Feeling her eyes well up with tears, she started heading back to her room.

~

AJ felt torn apart as the elevator doors closed behind him. He was leaving her behind…why? She had gotten too close. At first it had been nice to share his inner thoughts with someone - a stranger - but something about her had hit too close to home. It was the way she was making him feel.

It was as if she was an answer to what he was wishing for. Someone to show him what had gone wrong…

The elevator bell alerted him cheerfully that they had reached his floor, and he stepped out into the hallway that was bustling with activity even though it was the middle of the night. There were people everywhere, but this was where AJ felt the most alone, because he couldn't find himself here. Not the way he wanted to be.

Nick poked his head out of his hotel room as AJ walked by. "Hey Bone, where ya been?" he called out.

AJ just kept walking, waving off-handedly at Nick as he passed. He turned a corner and escaped into his room, slamming the door behind him. Thank god he didn't have to share a room with anyone tonight, he thought. Without turning on a light, he strode over to the bed and flopped down on it, the bedsprings groaning under his weight. After a few moments of staring at the ceiling, he jumped to his feet again and paced back and forth in front of the window.

~

Molly sighed again and dug her room key out of her pocket, balancing her book in her other hand. Trying to be as quiet as possible, she nudged the door open and tip-toed to her bed and set her things down She grimaced as her friend in the other bed let out a snore that would put a chainsaw to shame.

Wrapping her arms around herself in response to a chill that wasn't really there, she walked to the window and leaned her forehead against the cool glass. The storm that had driven her inside had not yet abated, and lightning periodically lit the dark room in brilliant flashes of light. Rain beat mercilessly against the window, and Molly could feel the vibrations where her skin touched the glass.

Why did she suddenly feel so empty? She had gone down to the bar tonight without a care. All she wanted was to be able to read her book in peace. Then…he had showed up…and now she couldn't shake off the feeling that it had happened for a reason. All of it. This entire night. Someone, somewhere, was giving her a mission - to help this stranger that wasn't quite a stranger. And she had failed to accomplish it. She had let him leave without a trace.

The shrill ring of the hotel telephone rudely snapped her back into reality. Before it could wake her slumbering friend, Molly jumped to it and grabbed it from the hook.

"Hello?" she whispered.

A moment of silence. "Um…hi. Molly?"

"AJ?" she exclaimed in surprise. "How…?"

Anticipating her question, he answered it before she could even ask. "I called the front desk and asked for your room number. I only knew your first name, but the clerk knew who I was talking about. Luckily."

"Wow," she smiled to herself. "But if you don't mind me asking, why are you calling me?"

"Look…" He took a deep breath. "I can't sleep, and I really need to talk to you. Meet me somewhere. Anywhere."

"It doesn't matter. Just name a place, and I'll be there." She was getting a second chance, and she wasn't going to pass it up this time. This was it.

After a moment's thought, he answered, "How about the roof? I know it's raining, but it's letting up and it'll stop in a few minutes. And there won't be anybody else around to…recognize me."

She glanced at her watch. Three o'clock. "I'll be there in five minutes," she whispered and hung up the phone.

~

AJ paced back and forth on the roof of the hotel. The rain had stopped a few minutes ago, and now the night was balmy but as clear as a crystal ball. He could see halfway across the world from here, it seemed. He took a deep breath of humid air and stopped his pacing to look out at the lights of the city.

"Hi," a soft voice murmured behind him, and he whirled around. Immediately, he lost himself in those eyes that had been haunting him while he restlessly paced around his hotel room - those eyes that held a million stars, more than any night sky.

"I couldn't sleep," he responded, smiling apologetically.

She smiled. "You said that already." Walking a few steps closer to him, she tucked her hair behind her ear subconsciously. "You also said that you wanted to talk."

"More than that. I wanted to apologize. I'm sorry I ran out on you in the bar like that, but there was just something… I can't explain it."

"You don't have to be sorry." She took a few more steps toward him, closing the gap. "I didn't mean to try to get under your skin like that. But I couldn't help it. I know this sounds crazy, but it felt to me like we met in that bar for a reason." She looked away in embarrassment, out toward the horizon and the dull blackness of the night.

AJ's face lit up with excitement. "You felt it too? I thought I was the only one. I mean, I knew I had mental problems, but that seemed like I was going a bit far." She turned back to him and smiled. He loved that smile.

After a minute, the smile faded, and she grew serious again. "AJ, I don't want you to be upset. I knew from the minute I laid eyes on you that there was something bothering you, and I also knew that I had to help. Why wouldn't you let me?"

"It scared me that you could understand me so well to know exactly what was wrong. But now… it doesn't scare me anymore. Oh, hell, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm a goddamn lunatic. Why am I even here?" His voice was tinged with despair, and once again his dark eyes glimmered with hidden tears.

Molly felt her heart contract with sorrow, and with it came anger. She spun around on her heel and took three or four quick steps back toward the stairs she had come up on. But, changing her mind, she whirled around again and pointed a finger at him, her eyes flashing with feeling.

"Okay, listen to me, AJ, and you'd better pay attention. The reason I couldn't sleep tonight either was because I was wondering how I could help you. Then it occurred to me - it was talking about love that brought these sad feelings out in you in the first place. And that got me thinking, AJ - sure, maybe you are struggling with the burdens of fame, but you also mentioned not being able to let anyone else in. Well, that's got to mean something.

"You talk about love like it's an old friend that you lost touch with long ago. When was the last time you opened up to someone without worrying about the implications it would have on your career? About how it would look to the papers? You complain about being lonely, but you're only lonely if you choose to be - if you choose to block out the other people who want so badly to be allowed into your world.

"So, AJ, the only way that I can help you is to somehow make you see…to make you see that the only cure to what tortures you is to let go of every inhibition you have. Forget your fame, because it isn't going to last as long as you are. That may sound harsh, but that's life."

She debated whether to continue, but took a deep breath and said the rest of what she had to say. "You want my advice? Stop acting like a hardened, calloused son of a bitch who's seen the world and hasn't liked it at all. Start over. Realize that there are people out there who can appreciate you for who you are - not everyone is out to get the best of you. In short, you're allowed to fall in love. Don't let yourself be lonely anymore. It's not worth it."

Her voice dropped to a whisper. "You don't have to live this way, AJ. You don't have to be alone."

He felt as if she had plunged her hand through his skin, between his ribs, and grabbed his heart with her fist. Listening to her voice, he squeezed his eyes shut as the tears fell relentlessly, the pain within him exploding in one burst of light before slowly ebbing away.

She was right. That was the thing - she was right about it all. Why hadn't he seen it before? His body shook with the intense emotion that washed over him…and after she finished talking, it all faded. He was through with the pain that had been troubling him for months. He was through with being lonely.

Molly had accomplished everything she knew she was supposed to. She knew it as soon as she saw the look on his face as she spoke. She smiled to herself and felt the tears well up in her own eyes. She was done here…she wasn't needed anymore. God, how she would miss him.

AJ felt incredible - like his entire world had been explained to him, and it all made sense now. He had to thank her. But when he opened his eyes, he found himself standing alone on the roof. She was gone, and if the door to the stairwell hadn't clicked as it closed behind her, he would have sworn that she had never been there at all.

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