The elevator stopped on the third floor and AJ quickly got out. He looked left and right, and then spotted Susannah's mother on the end of the hall to his right. He rushed down to her, with the worried and sad expression on his face that was there since he had heard of what had happened. Which was only an hour ago.
"Mrs. Lundon?" he quietly asked, as he approached her. Susannah's mother turned around to him, surprised to see him there.
"AJ!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing here?" She suddenly gave him a sympathetic look.
"Why didn't anyone tell me what happened?" he asked hurt. "Where is she? Can I see her? Can..." He would've gone on with the thousand questions that filled his head, if Mrs. Lundon hadn't stopped him.
"I'm sorry, AJ, but you cannot see her." She breathed out deeply. "I'm also sorry that no one told you she's in the hospital, but I didn't know how to get a hold of you. How have you found out anyway?" The hurt in his eyes touched her, but she knew there was nothing she could do for him.
"I tried calling Susannah for such a long time already, but no one ever answered the phone. Today Donna answered and finally told me that she's picking up stuff for Susannah because she... 'cause she... is here." AJ couldn't even speak the words. After he had heard that Susannah had almost killed herself, that she had started drinking again, his world had crushed. He had been worried sick the past few weeks, wondering why in the world he never reached anyone at the Lundon's home. He had wondered why Susannah never called him anymore and figured she had maybe left town for a while with her parents - because of whatever she had found out during her therapies. He thought maybe she just needed a change of scenery. Now that he had returned home to Florida he just wanted to beat the shit out of himself. He should've known that something must have seriously been wrong. "I came right away", he added. "Please, can I see her?"
"I'm afraid not", Mrs. Lundon just replied, feeling sorry for him.
"But...but Donna told me visitors were allowed...", AJ pleaded.
Mrs. Lundon nodded. "Yes, they are. But there are days when Susannah refuses to see even me or Donna, or anyone. And...I'm sad I have to tell you this, but right away on her first day, she made sure that you were not allowed in."
AJ's eyes widened with shock. "What?" His eyes showed his confusion as they desperately searched around the halls, as if somewhere there he could find help. "Why?" he almost cried.
Mrs. Lundon shook her head sadly. "To be honest, I don't know. During her recovery in the hospital she hardly spoke at all, but only family was allowed to see her then anyway. When she got in here she first didn't want to see anyone, before she finally allowed her dad, Donna and myself to visit her. But she strictly stated...that she didn't want to see you. She wouldn't say why." The woman's eyes filled with tears, as she continued: "She hasn't spoken a single word anymore for two weeks..."
AJ ran his hands through his hair that was its natural color for a change. "Where is she?" he then asked.
Mrs. Lundon pointed to a door only three feet away from where they stood. It had a small window in it. "She's in there now", she said. "They're gonna come and take her to therapy in a few minutes."
AJ's eyes were fixed to the door. He hesitantly walked over to it, fearing what he could see inside. As he peered through the little window, his heart broke. There she was sitting, her back facing him with her long, caramel-colored hair hanging loose down her back. He just stood there watching her for a while, but she didn't move an inch throughout the whole time. She seemed like a sad bird in a cage. He placed his hands on the cold door, wanting to touch her. He felt awful, felt guilty. If only he hadn't left her, maybe he could've prevented some of what had happened. Maybe he could've helped her.
He startled as Mrs. Lundon placed her hand on his shoulder. With tears in his eyes he turned to her, begging one more time: "Please let me go in there!"
"I'm not the one who decides this", came the reply.
"Can't you...talk to her or something?! I cannot do nothing. I have to talk to her, I just wanna be with her."
A nice looking woman in a white doctor's coat approached them. "Hello, Mrs. Lundon", she greeted and also smiled at AJ.
Mrs. Lundon greeted the doctor, before turning to AJ again: "You should leave now. I'll try to talk to her."
AJ's heart-beat quickened, as the doctor opened the door to Susannah's room and happily exclaimed: "Hi, Susannah! How are you feeling today?" He saw that Susannah didn't react at all. The doctor stopped in front of her and smiled: "Are you ready for the group therapy, Susannah?" The doctor took her arm and gently pulled her off of the bed she was sitting on. "I see your wounds are healing well, that's good. Does your leg still hurt?" Still no response from Susannah. AJ's breath caught in his throat, as both the doctor and Susannah turned around. It was only now that he could see her face. One of her cheeks was red, from where she had obviously scratched herself. Her eyes showed no expression at all, she seemed like a person without a soul. Hollow. But AJ could still see the beauty he knew was in her. He could still see the laughing girl that had cuddled with him in front of the TV. He still knew why he had fallen in love with her, even though the sight of her now broke his heart into pieces.
"Hi sunshine", Mrs. Lundon greeted her daughter, but Susannah didn't even look at her. Her eyes stared straight at AJ, but he wasn't even sure that she really realized he was there. There was still no expression at all, as she walked past him, turned her head and walked away with the doctor.
"What happened to her?" AJ whispered in shock, close to tears.
"Go home now", Mrs. Lundon told him again. Then she followed her daughter and the doctor down the hall.
AJ wanted to walk, but his knees went weak. He quickly sat down on one of the chairs near him, burying his face in his hands. He had to talk to someone, he had to know how all of this had happened. It seemed so unbelievable that a person could change so much in only three months. He wiped his eyes as he made his silent wish. All he wanted was Susannah back.
"What are you doing here?" a voice suddenly asked. Looking up he recognized Donna.
"What do you mean?" he asked. "Where else should I be?"
"You know that she doesn't want to see you, right?!" the girl asked, with a cold tone in her voice.
AJ nodded sadly. "Do you know why?" he asked quietly.
Donna hesitated a moment, before she answered: "She hasn't spoken to me in quite a while, but frankly I think she gives a rat's ass about you!" Her words pierced right through AJ's heart and he stood up again. Shocked once again.
"What do you mean? What have I ever done?" he asked.
Donna snorted. "You mean other than leaving her in the biggest shit of her life?"
"I had no other choice", AJ tried to explain. "Had I known she would need me that much, I would've...I..."
"Exactly - you would've left anyway. God damnit, AJ!" Donna suddenly shouted. "Had you known she would need you so much? Had you known?? What the hell! Did you think that therapy was gonna be some sort of picnic for her?!"
"No, I...I know how serious the problem was, but... She seemed well enough, strong enough to do this without me. I called her everyday, we talked and..." AJ let out a desperate sigh. "Why didn't she tell me she was feeling so bad?"
Donna had somewhat calmed down again. Swallowing down the rest of her anger she said: "Maybe that was the problem, AJ. You don't know her well enough. You couldn't have helped. Not even I was able to help her, not even I, who's her best friend, have noticed that she'd started drinking again. She could've hidden anything from you, 'cause you don't know her tricks."
AJ wanted to say something, but no words came out. He needed time to handle all of this, to really understand what was going on.
"Leave now. She'd just be upset if she saw you here!" Donna said.
He wanted to tell her that Susannah had seen him already, but remembering Susannah's blank stare, he lost the strength to argue or disagree. He suddenly felt tired and even more confused. Maybe it was really the best if he left for now. But he was determined to come back and make her see him. No matter what it was gonna take.
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