"Susannah, do you wanna share something with us today?"
Susannah looked up at the therapist with an almost angry stare. Every day that same stupid question, every day that talking to her as if she was a baby. Susannah this, Susannah that. 'You gotta help us, so that we can help you, Susannah!' She had never asked for help. She just wanted them to leave her alone and she wanted out of this crazy house.
She didn't know if she probably made things worse by not talking, but she just didn't have the nerve for it at the moment. She was too tired to talk. And she especially didn't want to talk about the things they wanted to hear. So she chose to rather not speak up at all.
"Ok, Susannah, you don't have to talk to us. We won't force you. But you know that you can always start, whenever you want."
Susannah went back to staring out the window. She knew it was not only closed, but locked. Every damn door and window in this building was locked, it seemed. She wondered if anyone had ever tried to jump right through the glass...
After that evening's session of "psycho talk", as Susannah referred to it, she was forced to spend some time with others in the entertainment room. When she stepped into the room with a few others of her group and the doctor, she immediately found a seat near a window. People were used to just seeing her look out of the window by now, and they had stopped trying to talk to her. At least most of the time.
Two guys played pool near her. Susannah knew one of them was Eric, who had tried to commit suicide for the first time when he was 13. He had tried it another two times since and she wondered why he didn't get the hint. Obviously someone up above didn't want him there yet. Susannah had definitely got her hint. She didn't think about killing herself. She never really did. Whatever had driven her to run onto the highway that night must've been a short-circuit in her brain cells. Too much alcohol.
Somewhere in the background she heard the TV playing. Obviously some music channel. And of course only two minutes later the latest Backstreet Boys song came on. Susannah closed her eyes, as a shiver ran through her body. He had come here. AJ was back home. She had tried to push it out of her mind, but during the therapy her thoughts had wandered back to the sight of him standing outside in front of her room. Why the hell had he come back? She didn't want him there, knowing he would make things only worse. All she wanted was to forget - forget everything. She knew what he was capable of. If she let him close enough again, he would bring her back into the real world, he would make all of it come back to her - and then he wouldn't be able to stop it! No one could make it stop. And she couldn't take it. It had been a mistake to let him into her life at all. His tender touch, his deep, raspy voice that talked to her so sweetly, his humor - all that had made her open up and made her vulnerable. Never before had she trusted someone so quickly, and this is what she had got in return. No, there was no way she would let him get close again.
"Susannah?" she heard a voice, just above a whisper. She knew it was Kirsten. Kirsten was one of the youngest in here, just turned 14. Her voice was hardly audible when she spoke and she always seemed nervous. Susannah thought she was one of the good kids in here. A lovely girl, but with an already ruined life.
Therefore Kirsten was one of the few, if not the only one, who could attract Susannah's attention these days. She turned her head, so she could look at the young, pale girl. Kirsten smiled shyly and handed the older girl a cookie. Susannah smiled at her, but shook her head, telling Kirsten with it that she didn't want the cookie. She could see the disappointment in the kid's eyes, so she patted the free space next to her. Kirsten sat down with sparkling eyes and together they watched out into the night.
When suddenly a commotion broke out in one corner of the room - Samantha was throwing a really loud fit once again - Kirsten's whole body shook with fear. She hated noise and especially screaming. Susannah put an arm around the tiny shoulders and Kirsten leaned her head against her, calming down.
Susannah felt tears welling up in her eyes, as her ears and eyes ignored everything around her. She didn't hear the screaming, the doctor's attempts to calm Samantha down or AJ singing on TV. She didn't see anything but the darkness outside that matched the darkness in her heart. She had switched out all the lights inside her, all the warmth she once had, killed every feeling inside her. But still she wondered why she felt so sad. So unbelievably sad.
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