CHAPTER 11
It had been several days since Anya had left. She wanted to call Justin but something kept her from doing it. She had to figure out what she was feeling inside before she could go back to him, if she did. What she couldn't understand is why she left. They promised each other they would never leave again, but she did. With no explanation, she packed her stuff in New York and took their daughter across the country to Seattle to stay with Lisa. She left because he thought she had or was going to cheat on him. There was no one else for her but instead of telling him to his face, she told him in the note she left.
After spending the last few days trying to figure out why she got so upset and left, she realized that she was scared. She was scared that he didn't trust her. Scared that they wouldn't make it as a couple. Scared that she would be a bad mother. Scared that his fans would hate her. Scared that the guys would grow to resent her for taking so much of his time away from them. Scared that she was making a mistake in getting married. Scared that Claudia would do something else to her. She knew it had to be Claudia that was sending the letters. She got what she wanted, Anya was left with nothing but her daughter.
But, mainly she was scared that the nightmares she had been having would never end. Lately, she had dreamed about Ben. Although she knew he was now dead, the visions in her mind of what he did to her were always with her. She thought she had gotten passed it all when she was with Justin, but realized that all she did was put it in the back of her mind and bury it behind her feelings for Justin and Emma. She was now dealing with the realization that it wouldn't be over for her until she could let everything go. She had to trust again.
She would look at the pictures of her and Justin from the magazine and remember when they were taken only a short time ago. They had so much fun that day and loved being together. She could see the way he looked at her and how it made her feel. He was everything to her and that was the problem. She knew she loved him with all her heart, but he was all she had, with the exception of Emma. She had no identity except for being Emma's mom and Justin's girlfriend. She had to figure out who she was and learn to accept herself. The question was how she would go about doing that when the world saw her with Justin and right now, she wasn't with Justin. She left him to explain to everyone that he had expressed his love and devotion for her and now she was gone. But, this was something she had to do. She wouldn't be able to marry Justin until she got through the pain of her past and found her true self.
She made up her mind and hoped that Justin would understand. She packed her things, thanked Lisa for everything, and went back to Florida with Emma.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Justin, I have been thinking about this for the last few days, yes I am sure. This is something I have to do, please don't try to stop me." Anya was back at Justin's house gathering some of her things to take with her on her trip.
"Will you at least tell me where you're going and when you'll be back?"
"I don't know. I'll give you a call when I know more. This is something I have to do for myself and for us. Please understand."
Anya had returned and her and Justin had talked things through about New York and the letter she received. She explained to him that she loved him and would never do anything with another guy. He said he believed her and thought they could make up. What he didn't realize was that she had other things on her mind. She told him that although things were settled about her cheating on him, this brought up so many more things that she had to deal with. She didn't completely trust Justin and although he had never done anything to show that he wasn't faithful, the fact remained that he had left her before and she never really got over that. Ben had abused her until she thought she wanted to die and those fears were still with her as well. She had to deal with Ben first and then work on her trusting Justin completely before they could go any farther.
Justin didn't understand everything but knew she had to go and do what she needed to so she could return to him and be his again. He walked Anya out to the car and helped put Emma in the car seat. He tried to hold back his feelings, but it was getting harder by the minute. He kissed his daughter on her forehead and shut the door. He approached Anya but was unsure what he should do. He wanted to hold onto her and never let go, but he had to let her do this. She had to find a way to heal herself.
Anya could tell this was very hard on him and she closed the distance between the two and enveloped him in her arms. She buried her head in the crook of his neck and tried to implant every detail about him in her mind so she wouldn't forget. She finally pulled away from him and told him that it was time to go.
"I'll call you in a day or two, okay?"
"Are you sure about this? If you have any doubts, stay and sleep here tonight and you can…."
"Justin, I'm sure. I'll be back, that I can promise you." She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck and brought him down to her level. After their lips met, Justin tried to hold on to her and not let go. He didn't know how long it would be until he saw her again and he wasn't ready for this. It took all her strength to pull away from him but she finally did. "Please, I have to go."
He knew he had to be strong and let her go find what she was looking for. He backed away and turned around to walk into the house before he broke down in front of her. She watched him leave and a part of her heart broke. She wanted him to understand what she was doing. She wanted him to be supportive. She wanted him to wait on her. She wanted him to always love her. But, mostly, she wanted him to trust her and believe in her love for him and that she would come back to him a better person then when she left.
She got in her car and drove away, away from the one person she never wanted to be without. As she turned onto the highway, she cursed herself for what she was doing to him. I never realized how much the past can hurt.
"Justin, man, come on we have to get going."
"I'm on my way, hold up a minute…sheesh, who put a fire under your butt?"
"You know as well as I do that if we are late for rehearsals again, JC will kill us."
"Yeah, okay, I'm ready, let's go." Justin got into the car. Joey had come to pick him up for rehearsals. They would be starting another tour soon and the guys were in the middle of getting a new show together. It had been two weeks since Anya had left town. Justin had told the guys that she was visiting some friends out of state and would be back soon. The guys knew something was up by the way Justin was acting all moody, but they left it alone. They knew when he was ready to talk, he would.
The press had been all over the place trying to get as much information on Anya, as well as Kiley, since they were both to be married to the guys sometime. Kiley and Chris had decided that they would let the media buzz die down before getting married. They hoped it would end soon so they could finally be together but weren't sure when it would happen. Justin, on the other hand, wanted Anya and Emma back, no matter what. The hardest part was facing the media and telling them that everything was going great between the two, knowing it was a lie. He talked to Anya twice since she left and she didn't seem anywhere near ready to come home to him. He tried to get through the pain but was afraid that when she finally returned, if ever, would he still feel the same way about her.
Another thing that was bothering him was the fact that his friend Victoria had come to stay in Florida the past week. He had been out with her three times this week and had really enjoyed himself. They had been old friends and he would find her so easy to talk to and would lean on her when he missed Anya the most. She would give her support and advice to him when he asked. The problem was that Justin was starting to enjoy her company a little too much. She was showing him so much attention and he was feeling good about himself. She was the first woman since meeting Anya that made him feel good and that scared him. He knew that he had to keep it on a friendship level only but being around her, he could almost forget the pain he was in because of Anya.
"Man, snap out of it. You have been acting weird for weeks now. Is everything alright?"
Justin looked over at Joey in a daze. "What…yeah, everything's fine. I'm just tired that's all. I think I'll just go home after rehearsals and get some rest."
"I thought you were going out with Vic tonight?"
"I forgot…well, I guess I'll call her later and see if I can cancel."
"I don't mean to sound nosey but what does Anya think of you spending so much time with Vic?"
"We're just friends. There is nothing wrong with going out with friends."
"If I were going out with a friend that looked like Vic, Jen would kill me. Are you sure nothing is going on between the two of you?"
"Joey, I am in love with Anya. She is the mother of my child, remember?"
"Yeah, I remember but do you?"
"What do you mean?" Justin had no idea what Joey was talking about.
"I mean, when your with Vic, do you even think about Anya and how much you love her, or do you just think about the beautiful woman in front of you?"
"Man, I am going to get married soon, of course I think about Anya. I can't stop thinking about her." That wasn't a lie. He thought about Anya all the time. He thought about her in the morning when he would wake up and see that she wasn't there. He thought about her every time he read something funny in the paper and had no one to share it with. He thought about her when he would walk passed the countertop in the kitchen. Mostly, he thought about her at night when he would lay in bed and think about holding her and talking about their days. He missed the closeness they shared, and he missed his daughter.
Some nights he would wake up thinking he heard her cry but would find that her crib was still empty. He would curl up in the rocking chair in her room and fall sleep holding a stuffed animal of hers, anything to feel closer to her. He missed her more than he cared to admit. She was his angel, part of his soul walking around, and he wanted to see her again.
"I don't know where you get off asking me a question like that." Justin was in one of his moods again and Joey knew to drop it, and drop it fast.
"Just asking, that's all. Look, we're here. Better get in there before JC has our heads."
Justin looked at his friend, rolled his eyes, then pushed to car door open and got out. "Listen, I don't have to explain what I do to you or anyone else, do you understand?"
"Justin, man, chill. I was only making conversation. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe today isn't a good day to practice after all. Maybe you should just go home and rest" Joey had had enough of Justin's attitude and wasn't going to take it anymore.
"What's that suppose to mean?"
"Hey, what's going on out here, the whole building can hear you two?" Lance said as he and the other guys came outside.
"I was just telling Justin that maybe he should skip practice today and go home."
"And I was just about to rearrange his face." Justin started towards Joey when Chris stopped him.
"Man, get a hold of yourself. Joey is one of your best friends. What is going on with you, you have been like this every since Anya left."
"Why does everything have to be about Anya? Can't you guys give it a break. She is gone, okay, and I don't know when she is coming back."
"What do you mean, I thought she was visiting friends?" Lance became concerned about his friend.
"Nothing, it doesn't matter. Look, I agree with Joey, I don't need to be here right now. I'm going to call Vic and see if she can pick me up."
"Justin, I don't think…." Joey began.
"Don't start Joey, I know what I'm doing." With that, Justin left the group and went inside to call his friend.
"What the hell was that?" JC asked.
"I don't know. Something is definitely wrong with him and Anya and to top it off, he is seeing Vic a lot. I don't like this at all. We have to do something." Joey was tired of seeing his friend upset. He cared too much about Justin to let him destroy his relationship with Anya. He knew Justin would do something eventually with Vic if put in the right situation.
"Man, I don't know what we can do. Right now, I don't think he would listen to any of us. JC, you have Anya's number right?" Chris started. JC nodded. "Call her, get her to talk to Justin or better yet, get her to come back. I think this has to do with her leaving and she needs to know what is going on with him."
"Yeah, I'll call her right now." JC left to go to his car and get his cell phone. He quickly dialed Anya's cell number.
"Hello."
"Anya, it's me, JC, how's it going?"
"JC it's good to hear from you. Everything is fine."
"That's good. Listen, I heard you were visiting some friends. I wanted to know when you were coming home. I really miss seeing Emma and talking to you."
Anya didn't say anything at first. What was she suppose to tell him. She had to think of something quick. "JC, look, I can't talk right now. I have to get Emma laid down for her nap. I'll call you later, okay."
"No, don't hang up, I have to tell you something."
"What is it JC?"
"It's Justin. I don't know what is going on between the two of you but it has to stop. He is driving all of us crazy. He isn't concentrating on his music and rehearsals are awful. He even tried to beat Joey up earlier. He won't talk to any of us. Please, talk to him, come home to him, something, just make this right."
"JC, I can't. I'm sorry he is acting like this but I can't help him. He is on his own."
"If you won't do it for him, will you do it for me?"
Again, she didn't know what to say. Her and JC were the closest of friends and she would do just about anything for him, but she still needed time away. She was back home in Tennessee trying to piece together her life. She was living with her mother right now and was finally coming to terms with her past. She returned home to try to regain the part of herself that she had lost after Ben hurt her. She had moved to Florida to get away from the past but it was the past that would determine her future. She had to remember the girl she used to be. The person she knew. The tomboy that used to run around the neighborhood without a shirt on just because the boys did it too. The girl who broke her finger trying to learn to play basketball with her best friend, Lisa. And the woman that held her head high when she had to face Ben at his trial. She had lost what made her Anya. She never knew that coming home would have such an impact on her, that it would have all the answers she was searching for. She was finally accepting herself and rebuilding the relationships she had left behind. She wasn't ready to face the future with Justin yet.
"JC, I'm sorry, I love you but I can't, not yet." With that, she hung up the phone.
"Dammit, she hung up on me."
"Is she coming back? Is she going to talk to Justin?" Chris was curious as to what Anya was going to do about this.
"She's not going to talk to him and she said she couldn't help him. She said…"
"She wasn't coming home." JC turned around to find Justin standing behind him. "Is that right, she's not coming home?"
JC approached his friend and tried to console him but Justin just pushed him away and walked to the car that had just pulled up. "Man, it doesn't matter. I'll see ya later." He got into Vic's car and they drove off.
"Shit, now what do we do?" Chris didn't know what else to say.
"We find Anya and haul her ass back here, that's what we do." JC wasn't about to see them ruin their relationship.
The guys put their heads together and formed a plan to get Justin and Anya back together before it was too late.