CHAPTER 18
He pulled away from her and sat up. She thought that he would turn her down. The look in his eyes told her different. Without saying a word, he leaned over and brought his lips to hers. She opened her mouth to allow his warm tongue to enter. She relished in the feel of him. He placed an arm around her back and gently laid her down. This was to be their last night together and they wanted it to last forever. He would take things slow so he could implant every touch, every move, every moment from that night into his head. He knew that there were going to be long lonely times ahead for both of them. They would have to face the world without each other. He tried to block all of those thoughts out of his mind for that night. All he wanted was to be with Anya one last time.
He lay down with her. He took his other hand and pulled her leg up to him so he could feel her. She began to moan when she felt his hand reach inside the shorts she wore. He was feeling the place where he would soon be entering. This was driving her crazy. She wanted him to take her right then but knew if he did all this would be over. She had to bite down on her lip to keep herself from enjoying him too much. He noticed her face and knew what he was doing to her. He loved the fact that he could make her feel this good, especially now. In a matter of hours, he would walk out of her life and knew how much that would hurt her. He couldn't face the fact that someone he loved could be hurt because of him. He knew what he was doing was wrong but couldn't turn back now. He had to do this. He had to make sure she was safe. He loved her too much to think of anything else.
He removed his hand and brought it up to the top of her shorts. He removed them and placed them on the floor. He ran his hand over her stomach, which gave her goose bumps. His hand found its way up her shirt and when he reached his target, he felt her loosing control. He stopped kissing her long enough to remove her top. He started back with her neck. He found that spot again; the base of her neck where it met her collarbone. He knew this would get to her. He lightly bit down on the spot and felt her jump. He knew it wouldn't be too long now. She wouldn't be able to hold out much longer.
She knew what he was doing to her and she loved it. He knew exactly the right places to touch and how to touch them, but she wanted him to feel the same pleasure she felt. She reached her good hand down his back and tugged at his shirt. He stopped what he was doing and helped her take his shirt off. She ran her fingers down his chest and stomach. They landed at the top of his pants. He knew she wouldn't be able to get his pants undone with one hand so he helped her again. Once his clothes were placed beside hers on the floor, they knew it was time. She ran her hand down his body to see if he was ready. She didn't need to do this because by the closeness of the two, she could already tell he was. He made his way to her and she spread her legs, eagerly awaiting his arrival. Unlike the other times, he didn't wait to enter her. He wanted to feel himself inside of her so bad that he didn't think twice about anything. He knew if he did this too hard for her, it would hurt. He wasn't sure how fragile she was from the other night and didn't want to take any chances.
"If I am hurting you, please tell me."
"You could never hurt me this way." She truly believed that. When they were together, every move made her feel alive and loved. Even when he got carried away, he still felt so good to her.
He heard her but still wanted to take it easy. He slowly entered her and a feeling of home washed over him. This was where he belonged. She was the person he belonged with. They were meant for each other. Usually it would have been her that shed a tear, but this time, he couldn't hold his back. He knew it would be over soon and he wasn't prepared for that yet.
She noticed the tear that ran down his face and gently wiped it away. She knew this was hard on him. What she didn't know was if he hated what he was doing, then why was he leaving her? Maybe one day she would understand. She had heard the words from his mouth but his heart and body was saying something else. She knew she should be angry with him, but right now, all she thought about was the man that was giving her enough love to last until they met again.
She looked at her watch and knew it was time. "You better get going before JC puts an APB out on you." She said with a smile.
Justin couldn't smile even if he wanted to. This was going to be one of the hardest moments of his life. "Please tell me what I'm doing is right because right now, if feels so wrong."
She closed the distance between them and enveloped him in a warm embrace. This was it, the end of their time together, for now at least. Would they find their way back to each other someday? As she closed her eyes, to hold onto to the moment a little longer, the first of many tears that were going to be shed ran down her cheek.
Before he could see it, she brushed it away. She had to be strong. If the others saw her tear-stained face, they would know something was wrong. This was their secret for now. She knew he would tell them, but she hoped she would make it back to Florida before word got out about their breakup.
She leaned up to his ear and whispered, "I love you."
That was all that was said. Anya wanted to get on her knees and beg him to stay but knew that wasn't an option. He had made up his mind and it hurt her to know they weren't going to be together anymore.
They pulled apart and looked in each other's eyes. Justin knew if this was going to happen, if he was going to leave, he had to do it now, otherwise, he would lose his courage. "I have to go." She didn't say anything, just let go and backed away. "Please say something. Tell me you'll be okay. Tell me this is for the best. Tell me you hate me, something, please."
She continued to look at him. How could she tell him she would be okay? She was a wreck. Her heart was shattered. He had given her so much in the short time they were together and she wanted more. She wanted so much more from him, but she wasn't going to beg. If he wanted out, she would give that to him.
"Promise me you won't look back."
"Anya…"
"Promise me, Justin. When you leave this room, no looking back."
He stood there not knowing what to say. He had thought he was making the right decision but now he wasn't sure. Last night had been so special to him. Would he ever have that again? She wanted him to promise that after today, he wouldn't look back and question his actions. If he walked out that door, it was over, no turning back.
He swallowed hard and tried to find the strength to speak. What came out was barely above a whisper. "I promise…I'll never look back."
He turned around and walked towards the door. Everything inside of him begged to turn around and take her in his arms, but his body wouldn't listen. She'll be safe this way. Think of her safety. He opened the door and walked out.
All Anya could do was watch as the door closed behind him. She stood there, letting everything sink in. After a few minutes, she grabbed her bag and walked to the door. She was about to walk out of the room when she turned around. She looked at the room trying to capture all of the memories it held. She took a deep breath and walked out. Never look back.
Several weeks had gone by since Anya had returned from Cancun. She tried to get back to normal but normal for her involved Justin. He was her reason for waking up in the morning. Her sanity. Her companion. Her love. Now he was gone.
She had to get over him. She was depressed and had been sick lately. She contributed that to her broken heart. What she didn't know was that it was because of her broken hand.
Today, her and Lisa were going out. Lisa knew about what went on in Cancun, Anya had told her. She had tried to help her friend as much as possible. She had convinced Anya to go out with her in honor of Anya's birthday. She reluctantly agreed. She hadn't been outside her room, let alone the apartment, except for work since her return. Lisa was very worried about her. She knew Anya was getting over Justin but today, of all days, Anya had found out something that made her feel worse.
The local news was following a story on an up and coming musical star that was touring with NSYNC. They even went so far as to link this new girl to, none other than, Justin. They showed video of them behind the scenes of one of their concerts, hugging and laughing with each other. Each time Anya had seen stuff like that in the past weeks, it made her sick to her stomach.
From MTV to the nightly specials to the local news, she would see interviews where the guys, all the guys, looked to be doing great. Justin never missed his mark. He cracked jokes. He smiled a lot. He flirted with all the girls. He certainly didn't look like he was hurting. He's not turning back. That is one promise I wish he would break.
Seeing all of this took its toll on Anya. What confused her most was that he had put a letter to her in her bag before she left Cancun. She kept it and read it everyday. She knew that if she was ever going to let go and move on, as Justin obviously had, she had to get rid of it. She pulled it out of her dresser drawer. She read it one last time:
Anya, I once heard the quote: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be. I want you to know that I am coming back to you. Sometime, somehow, I will come back to you. Please believe me. I just don't know how to deal with all of this. I will barely be able to keep my head above water when the tour starts, let alone worry about you. I know. I know. I don't have to worry about you, but I do. I worry day and night about what happened with Ben and pray I would never make you feel scared of me like that. Now, with the girl at the club, I know she was drunk and probably didn't know what she was doing, but it showed me that I could be so close to you and yet you still get hurt. I can't bare to see that happen to you again. I know I am hurting you for leaving, for that I am truly sorry, but right now, I don't know what else to do. Please remember, no matter what, I will always love you. I can't ask you to wait on me. I can only hope you will still love me and forgive me someday. You will have my heart and my soul, forever, Justin
When she was done, she crumbled it up and threw it in the trash. You said you'd come back. Where are you, Justin? Why aren't you here with me?
She tried to keep the tears back but that was getting harder to do everyday. She had always felt that he would return or at least call, which was why she still held onto the letter. For six weeks, she prayed he would come back, but it was time to move on, time to build a new life.
She was scheduled to get her cast off in a few days. She was looking forward to that. The thing itched and since she couldn't go swimming, the Florida heat made her incredibly uncomfortable. Why couldn't Lisa live in Michigan?
"Hey girl, are you ready to go?" Lisa was standing at Anya's door waiting for her friend so they could hit the town.
"As ready as I'll ever be." Anya wiped her eyes and faked her excitement.
"Woah, don't get too excited on me yet, the night is still young."
Anya tried to smile at Lisa's remarks. This was going to be a long night and she wanted it done and over with as soon as possible.
They made it to dinner and were about to go to a movie when Anya started to feel sick. "Um…Lisa…I don't think the fish agreed with my stomach."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because…" she grabbed for the door handle of the car. They were at a red light, so Anya opened the door and got out.
"Where are you going?" Lisa yelled as her friend stepped out of the car. The only response she got was the sound of her friend throwing up the meal she had just ate.
When Anya returned to the car, she looked awful. "Please take me home."
Lisa raced home and helped Anya to her room. She cleaned up and got ready for bed. Lisa was getting her a Sprite to drink to calm her stomach. Anya came into the kitchen to get it herself. She noticed her friend standing there. "Some night, huh? Happy Birthday to me." Lisa turned around and began to laugh. Anya started to laugh with her. She got her drink and sat at the table. "Hey, we've got messages."
Lisa pushed the play button on the answering machine. There were three messages:
"Hey honey, it's your mother. I just called to wish you a happy birthday. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty but when are you coming home for a visit? I miss my baby. I'll talk to you later." That's my mom, always trying to get me to come home. I know what she's doing, trying to fix me up with her neighbor's son. Will she ever learn?
The second message was for Lisa, it was Jeff making sure Lisa was going on a trip with him next week.
Anya started to leave to go back to her room when the third message came on. She didn't hear anyone talking, all she heard were people humming. All of a sudden, the voices started singing Happy Birthday to her. It was the guys. She immediately stopped where she was and listened. She could pick each guy out by his voice. She smiled to herself at the thought that they had taken the time during their busy day to call and wish her a happy birthday. When they finished, she heard JC's voice say, "hey girl, just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. What are you, like 85 now or something. Oh, 25, sorry. Anyway, we're about to hit the stage, but wanted to say that we love you and miss you…ouch…man, you didn't have to hit me…I'll tell her. Sorry about that. Justin wanted me to tell you that he is trying to keep his promise but doesn't know how much longer he can do it. By the way, what is going on with you guys? Justin won't tell us anything. Look, your machine will probably cut off soon, so I'll let you go. Oh, Kiley and Beth send their love and say call them sometime. Later." With that, it was over.
Lisa looked at Anya standing in the doorway. "Are you okay, and what's this about a promise?"
"Yeah, I'm fine and its nothing. We made a promise and he is sticking to it, end of story." Anya walked into her room and cried herself to sleep that night.