CHAPTER 23
The weekend came and Lisa had wanted to go out with Jeff but didn't like leaving Anya home alone. She had to do it all last week and worried constantly about her while she was away. So, she decided to call one of the guys to see if they would come over and keep an eye on her. Anya hated the fact that Lisa babied her. She kept an eye on her all the time and it was starting…already started getting on her nerves. "Lisa, I don't need a babysitter, I am fine. The baby is fine. We will be fine together. I have been home alone all week and I think I can do it for another day while you go out with Jeff. You have been spending so much time with me that you are neglecting your own boyfriend. Go, leave, I don't want to see you in this apartment until tomorrow. If I need anything, I will call Mrs. Johnson down the hall. She said she would be home all day. Now, go."
"Anya, let me call the guys and see if they can come over and…."
"Just go, I'll call them if I need some company. Please, Lisa, I should be the only locked up here, not you, too."
Lisa couldn't argue anymore with Anya, she was as stubborn as they came. It was like talking to a brick wall, she never budged. "Fine, I'll go but I want you to call me on my cell if there are any problems, okay?"
"I'll call, now go."
When Lisa was gone, Anya decided to open her journal and write. She hadn't done this in so long. She was reading over some of her entries and stopped at one in particular. It was written when she first started to notice Justin in more than a friendly way. As she read over the lines, the feelings she had, came crashing back on her:
Oh, to touch him just once Would you give up your soul for him
Or would he be the one to bring peace to your heavy heart
You see him there, everyday and you wonder
Is he worth the risk
Is he
Could he beYou aren't living unless you learn to take chances
You may get hurt
Lost your
Break your heart
Find a friend
Gain a love
Be whole again
Are you ready to take that risk, and LIVE
(Mertalou 1/00)
This was right before LA, man I wanted him so bad then. She thought about the time they spent after the video. That was the first night they shared together. I didn't lose my soul or break my heart, but gained a love and was whole again. He made me whole that night. What I wouldn't do for just another try. She caught herself thinking about giving him another chance. I can't its too hard, he'll leave me again and I won't let him do that to the baby or me.
Her thoughts were interrupted when she came across another entry that was written after she realized how much she loved Justin. Not another one, man I was so sappy.
I love you
Those three little words just do not seem to
Express how much I feel for you
When I am without you
I long to have you near
Hear your laugh
Have your fingers run through my hair
Feel your breath on my neck
Have your lips on mine
Your body against me
I crave you
I feel sick without you
When I am with you
I cannot get enough of you
I think I might hurt you sometimes
I do not want to let you go
You bring me to my knees
I cannot get close enough to you
I want the world to stop
Freeze us in this position
So I never have to be without you
When you look at me
I feel as though you can see into my soul
I am not afraid of what you will see
Not afraid of my feelings for you
I trust my heart
Trust you
Believe in you
You are my everything
If it is easier for you to hear me say
I love you
I will say that everyday of my life
But
Know that those three little words
Mean so much more than that, to me
(Mertalou 1/00)
Get over it, so you felt something for him, he left you, remember, no looking back. You promised, never look back. She kept telling herself that it was over, her feelings were gone, and he wouldn't mean anything to her again, except for being the baby's father. She had to move on, to start over, but when she thought of the future, all she saw was his face. She needed him. She longed for him. He was her everything. She had promised herself and him to never look back but it was too late, she had and what she saw frightened her. He was there holding her, loving her, laughing with her and the feelings were so real, so genuine. She couldn't take it anymore. The words JC had told her were ringing in her head, "He won't turn you down…he won't lose you again." She knew what she had to do. JC, please be right.