CHAPTER 5
"No. No. Please stop. Not again. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it. Nooooo…."
Anya jolted up from her bed.
"It was only a dream. It was only a dream, but it felt so real."
Anya had not had much sleep the past week. Images of her past were always with her. She didn't know why they had come back but she couldn't get rid of them. She also couldn't get rid of other images: the guys, especially Justin. They hadn't spoken this week, probably because Anya had made a quick disappearance at the Bar-B-Que. She left after Justin had asked about the scar on her back. This upset her at the time and maybe that was why she was having these memories coming back.
She had gone to work all week, just wandering through the days. She felt she was about to explode inside. What JC had said to her at Justin's was running through her mind all week: "If you want to talk about anything, I'm a pretty good listener." Should I take him up on his offer? I have to get this out. I don't know how long I can go on like this.
She decided she would go for a walk to try to clear her mind. Lisa wouldn't be up for a while so Anya would have to go by herself. She wandered around the park for what seemed like forever. She had so much going on in her head and she was trying to sort things out. After her walk, she decided not to tell the guys just yet about her problems. Although she needed someone to talk to, she didn't want their pity or possibly lose their friendship. What will they think of me when I tell them?
She was lost in thought when she arrived home. She could hear talking coming from the inside of her apartment and thought that Lisa was watching TV. When she entered the living room, she found Lisa there. Along with her were JC, Lance and Justin. "Um…hey guys…what are you doing here?" She felt all eyes on her and that made her uncomfortable.
"We have been gone this week and wanted to come by and check to see how you were." JC answered.
"That's very nice of you guys, but a phone call would have been okay, because I am doing fine." She hoped they wouldn't notice the dark circles under her eyes.
"Anya, you are not fine." Lisa began. "I think its time you told them and told them now. I have seen you walk around here this past week…no, the past 2 weeks…in a daze one minute and snapping at me the next. You need someone to talk to and if its not going to be me, than at least talk to them. They want to help if they can."
"What the hell did you tell them, and why should I trust them?" Anya started. She was getting furious with the fact that Lisa may have broken their trust and told the guys already. "This is something I have to deal with on my own."
"Well you aren't getting it done. I am tired of this. You have been like this for the past few months and it has to stop. What happened to you was awful but you have to let it go. Ben can't hurt you anymore unless you let him."
The guys sat back and watched as these two best friends went at it. They were surprised at them yelling at each other. Over the past few weeks, they had learned how tight Lisa and Anya were and how much they cared for each other. Although they were not blood related, they were closer to each other than to their own sisters. Who's Ben, the guys thought to themselves.
"Fine. Fine. Do you want to know? Do you guys really want to know what is going on with me?" She asked the group. They all looked nervously at her but nodded their heads. They wanted to help her if they could but she had to tell them her secret first. "You have to promise that after I tell you guys, you all must leave and I mean it. When I am done, I want you out of here. Do we have a deal?"
The guys didn't know what to say. They shook their heads again in agreement.
"Fine. Now, where do I begin?" She started telling them about a guy named Ben that she had lived with for a while. "I met him at work. He had just started and we hit it off immediately. He was very kind and nice and would do anything for me. We began going out and everything was fine. The one thing I didn't like about him was the fact that he would drink a little too much when we would go out. He never acted mean or stupid, just would drink a lot. I don't know why, but when he asked me to move in with him, I didn't refuse. I had only known him for a short time but I thought it would be okay. Well, the first month or so was great. We had a lot of fun together. We were more like roommates than anything else. One night I came home from work, he was off that day. Anyway, when I got there, I found him and some of his friends drinking and watching a game on TV. I said my hellos and left to go to bed. He followed me into the room and started yelling at me. He was saying that I was being very rude to his company and that I should go apologize to them. I thought he had lost his mind. I hadn't been rude, I just didn't want to interrupt his time with his friends. He thought I was being a bitch to him and he slapped me. At first, I didn't know what to do. I expected him to apologize to me but he didn't. He told me to get my ass out there and entertain his friends. When I refused, he hit me again. This time I fell and hit my head on the dresser. When I came to, I realized I was in bed and Ben was holding my hand saying how sorry he was for hitting me. When I looked into his eyes, they looked so sincere and I had to forgive him. I had him promise me that he would get help for his drinking and he promised. What I didn't know was that he never did."
The guys weren't sure they wanted to hear the rest but knew she had to get it all out in order to start the healing process. They knew what was coming next, or so they thought.
"Well, to make a long story short, he hit me again and again. Every time I would beg him to stop and get help. He would call me every name in the book. In the morning, after he had sobered up, he would apologize to me. He begged me not to leave him. He said that I was all he lived for. I tried to forgive him, I don't know why. I had heard stories about women in abusive relationships and always thought that if I were ever in a situation like that, I would get out immediately. I guess you don't know what you would do in any situation until you are faced with it. Anyway, he didn't like me telling him I was moving out. He got angry with me and threw me against the wall. I hit my head pretty hard but didn't black out. I yelled for him to stop but it was no use. He was beyond hearing a word I had to say. He came for me again and I tried to run. I made it to the kitchen and was about to run out the back door when I felt a sharp pain in my back. I didn't know what happened. After that, I found out he had cut my back with a knife. That was the scar you saw, Justin. He grabbed me from behind and yelled into my ear that if I wanted out, then I was out. With that, he slammed me up against the wall and this time I was out. When I woke up, I found myself in the hospital. A neighbor had heard us fighting and had called the police. I explained to them what he had done to me all those months. They arrested him and took him away. I ended up leaving the hospital a few days later. His trial was held a short time later and he was sentenced to 5 years in prison but with good behavior, he could be out in 2 years. After the trial, Lisa invited me to come live here. I had to get away from everything. I left my home, my family, and my friends to come here and start over. I have been dealing with this for over a year now and just want the pain to go away. I want the nightmares to end. I want to be whole again. I don't know how to do that but if I don't find a way soon, I think I will lose my mind."
When she finished, she felt some relief. She had held everything in and now it was out, for all to see, and all to judge, she thought. She looked up at the guys sitting on the couch. They had that look: the look of pity in their eyes. That was what she was afraid of. She never wanted anyone's pity, and she hated when people would give it to her. She walked over to the front door and opened it. "Okay, I told you, now leave." She wasn't giving them a choice, she was telling them.
The guys stood up to leave. JC and Lance were half way out the door when they turned around and found that Justin hadn't moved yet. "Justin, that includes you."
"I'm not leaving." He stated, folding his arms over his chest.
"Oh yes you are. You promised you would leave and now you are going to keep that promise. Now LEAVE!" She shouted at him.
He came closer to her and repeated, "I'm not leaving." That was all he said.
"YES you are. Justin, don't do this. Please leave." She was begging him to keep his promise but he couldn't. How could he leave her after she had opened her heart to them? She had shared her most terrifying experience with them and he was not about to just walk away. He had come to her apartment that morning with the intention of helping her and he would stay as long as it took.
"I'm not leaving." He walked closer to her. "I'm not leaving."
"Man, that boy's seen Good Will Hunting too many times." Lance whispered to JC.
"Shhh. I don't know what he's doing but maybe it'll help." JC answered.
Justin moved in front of Anya and looked her right in the eye. "I'm not leaving. I'm not going to leave you." With that, he put his arms around her waist and pulled her into a hug.
She hadn't had a man's arms around her in a long time. Every time Joey would try to hug her, she would either try to get out of it or get it over with. She didn't feel comfortable with the closeness until now. She didn't know if it was because of the lack of sleep she had or the fact that she was on an emotional rollercoaster, but somehow she found comfort in Justin's arms. She reached her hands up and put them around his neck, bringing him closer to her. He tightened his grip on her and repeated, "I'll never leave you."
That was all that she needed to hear. She burst into tears. She hadn't cried that hard in a long time. Everything had come out and for the first time, in a long time, she felt that she could breathe again. She was on the road to recovery and Justin would be the one to heal her.