Takes place in season 5 between episodes 509-510. Joey knows about monica and chandler, no one else does. Ross is living with J&C. I own none of these charcters, and all spelling mistakes are a byproduct of the american school systems

SCENE CORNER OF 5TH AND 10TH STREET. JOEY IS WALKING HOME WHEN HE SEES A FAMILIAR FACE WALKING DOWN THE STREET. JOEY CAREFULLY FOLLOWS THE MAN BACK TO HIS APARTMENT BUILDING. JOEY DUCKS INTO AN ALLEY AND PUTS ON A CAP AND SUNGLASSES. HE WALKS UP BEHIND THE GUY.

Joey: Excuse me,

Guy: yea?

Jo: do you live here?

Guy: yea apartment 5B.

Jo: thank you!

Guy: why did you wanna know that?

Jo: oh someone in 5A had a package delievered to them.

Guy: Frank got a package? I'll take it for you!

Jo: Yea, um, what's that? (points as the guy looks to where he was pointing, joey runs away)

Guy: (Seeing Joey run off) Crackhead! (walks to his apartment)

Jo: (outside looking at apartment building) gotcha!



SCENE MONICA AND RACHEL'S, MONICA PHOEBE AND RACHEL ARE WATCHING A MOVIE WHEN JOEY RUNS IN!

Jo: (excitied) i found him!

Rachel: What?

Jo: I finally found him!

Monica: jesus?

Phoebe: (laughing at monica's joke) that sounded like something Chandler would say!

Mon: yea...(does her fake laugh)

Rach: who did you find joey!

Jo: the guy who stole me and chandler's stuff last year!

Mon: Oh my god you found him!

Rach: how?

Jo: i was walking home, and bam! there he is!

Mon: are you sure it was the guy?

Jo: yes!

Phoe: do you know where he lives?

Jo: yea, 534 8th street, apartment 5B.

Rach: you should call the police!

Mon: why? it was over a year ago!

Rach: so? they can still do something about it!

Mon: oh yea i'm sure the police have been patiently waiting for a break in this case!

Rach: ok Monica, whats with the sarcism?

Mon: what?

Phoe: yea you sound like chandler except not as funny. (Monica's eyes get big)

Jo: hey we have a situation here!

ROSS ENTERS

Ross: hey what's up?

Mon: joey found the guy who stole all of his stuff!

Ro: you did? that's great, does Chandler know?

Jo: no and he won;t find out either!

Rach and Phoe: why?

Jo: cuz i messed up and lost all our stuff, and I wanna get it back and surpise him!

Mon: that's sweet joey!

Jo: so don;t tell chandler!

Phoe: don;t tell Chandler?

Jo: (looking at monica) don't tell chandler!

Rach and Ro: ok

Mon: (reluctant) alright.

Ro: so whats the plan?

Jo: Plan? well i was just gonna knock on the door and then beat the crap outta him!

Rach: i don't think that will work joey.

Mon: you need a plan.

Ro: yea a plan!

Jo: why a plan?

Ro: cuz you gotta make him confess first, then anything you do to him will be justified and legal!

Jo: justified and legal?

Phoe: i think it's time for another pill Ross.

Ro: look its a valid reason! (checks his watch, pulls out some pills and takes one)

Mon: Rage boy here has got a point, you need some way to catch him.

Jo: what should we do?

Phoe: one of us (point to herself, Monica and Rachel) should meet this guy and go back to his apartment!

Mon: then what?

Phoe: ask him where he got all his stuff, and after he confesses, joey will storm in and beat him up!

Mon: how would we get in his apartment?

Phoe we could seduce the guy...

Rach: that could work!

Mon: which one of us would seduce the guy?

Ro: hmmm (thinking)

Jo: (quickly) Phoebe!

Mon and Rach: what?

Phoe: me?

Jo: yea, youre tall, blonde, sexy (phoebe blushes) and you're good at getting guys all worked up! (Ross nods approvingly)

Phoe: (giggles) thank you joey!

Rach: what about me?

Jo: yea what about you?

Rach: (angry) are you saying i'm not hot?

Jo: no!

Mon: (mad) so phoebe is hotter than the two of us?

Jo: i just, um, god, no!, I gotta go! (runs out)

Mon: what about you? (to ross)

Ro: what?

Rach: is phoebe hotter than the two of us?

Ro: ew! she'd my sister!

Rach: then what about me?

Ro: (eyes widen) um, (pretending to hear something) what's that joey, be right there! (runs out)

Rach: get back here! (chases ross, bumps into an entering Chandler)

Chandler: (to monica and phoebe) lemmie guess, "we were on a break"?

Mon: yea that was it.

Phoe: i gotta talk to joey about our plan.

Chan: what plan.

Phoe: (caught) uh, world domination?

Chan: good luck with that! (phoebe leaves) (rushes over to monica) oh, its been too long! (kisses her, she pulls away after a second)

Mon: not now!

Chan: monica, honey, what's wrong?

Mon: (upset) nothing.

Chan: oh god, what did i do?

Mon: nothing!

Chan: oh god you found the stain on the chair!

Mon: (freaked out) stain??!?!?!? what stain?!?!?

Chan: I gotta go! (runs out)

MONICA STARTS LOOKING AT THE CHAIR FOR A STAIN

Mon: (yelling) CHOCOLATE MILK! CHANDLER!

SCENE CHANDLER AND JOEY'S. JOEY AND PHOEBE ARE DISCUSSING THE PLAN.

Phoe: ok so how are we gonna do this?

Jo: Ok you go to the guys place, and ask him if he wants to have sex. Then when he agrees you ask him where he got all the furniture, then he tells you where he got it from, then you and i kick his ass!

Phoe: Not bad. (thinks) we'll have to lose that sex part though.

Jo: why?

Phoe: because i am not a whore......anymore!

Jo: you just ripped out the heart of the plan!

Phoe: why don;t i just offer him a free massage?

Jo: why would you do that?

Phoe: because i'm a massuse!

Jo: (sighs) alright it will have to do. (Rachel enters dragging Ross in by the ear)

Ro: ow ow ow ow ow!

Rach: Ross, you have something to say to say to Joey and Phoebe?

Ro: (prepared speech) Rachel Greene is the hottest woman i have ever known. She is sweet, goregous, and gets me all crazy just by breathing. And....(rachel slaps his head) everyday since we broke up feels like a decade! (whispers) even though we were on a break!. (rachel slaps his head) OW! (to rachel) satisfied?

Rach: it will do.

Ro: so whats the plan?

Phoe: i'm gonna offer the guy who stole all of their stuff a free massage. While he is lying on the table, Joey will come in and listen to him admit that he stole his stuff.

Jo: yea, why does he have to confess?

Ro: so then everything will be nice and legal......(evil smirk)

Rach: then what?

Jo: i beat his ass and take back our stuff!

Ro: dude you might need a little backup for the beating part.

Jo: nah, besides who else can beat ass like me?

Ro: you've got the toughest SOB right here! (pointing to himself)

Jo: Dude Phoebe's gonna be massaging the guy! Although she can help me kick him a few times. (phoebe nods)

Ro: um hello!

Jo and Phoe: (smile) hi! (pause)

Rach: what do i have to do?

Jo: you and ross are additional witnesses.

Rach: ok?

Ro: so we'll be with you when you enter the dudes apartment.

Jo: yup.

Rach: when will we be doing this?

Jo: tommorow afternoon.

Rach: Wait if you're gonna get all you stuff back, we're gonna need a truck or something.

Ro: i can rent one tommorow morning!

Jo: Ok! we'll meet here tommorow at 2pm to get this plan (hand motions) in motion! Until then, bye bye! (leaves living room, returns after 2 minutes, re-enters living room) so, you guys wanna catch a movie?

SCENE 2 HOURS LATER RACHEL AND MONICA'S MONICA iS CLEANING THE CHAIR CHANDLER STAINED.

Mon: (scrubbing away) Stupid chandler, stupid Joey, stupid chocolate milk! (joey enters)

Jo: Hey monica, oh you found the Chandler stain.

Mon: (cold) yes i did. What do you want joey?

Jo: food! (starts eating chicken from the fridge)

Mon: is that all? (continuing to scrub chair)

Jo: well tommorow we're gonna get me and chandler's stuff back.

Mon: and....

Jo: i need you to "occupy" Chandler between 2 and 5 tommorow while the rest of us get our stuff back.

Mon: Is that all?

Jo: yea. (pause) are you ok?

Mon: no!

Jo: is it because of the stain?

Mon: no, well partially.

Jo: did you find Chandler's porn bag?

Mon: what?

Jo: nothing, i gotta go. (walks out)

Mon: (follows him out) what?

Jo: bye!

Mon: urgh!

SCENE THE NEXT DAY. CHANDLER HAS AVOIDED MONICA SINCE THE STAIN INCIDENT, RACHEL JOEY, ROSS AND PHOEBE ARE IN A U-HAUL TRUCK OUTSIDE THE GUYS APARTMENT.

Phoe: Ok, lets go over this again.

Ro: ok, you go in and say someone got the guy a free massage for a gift or something. Then me and Joey will come in and wait for him to admit he stole all of Joey's stuff, then we kick some ass!

Phoe: isn't Chandlers stuff?

Ro: semantics!

Jo: wha?

Rach: where will i be?

Ro: staying here in the truck making sure it doesn't get towed.

Rach: why do i get the crappy job?

Jo: Bad luck!

Rach: fine!

Phoe: how long do i have to massage this guy?

Ro: we'll come in 15 minutes after you go in.

Phoe: alright.

Jo: ready? lets go!

SCENE MONICA AND RACHEL'S MONICA IS WATCHING TV ALONE CHANDLER NERVOUSLY ENTERS WITH A DOZEN ROSES

Chan: (slowly apporaching monica with flowers behind his back) Hhhhhi mmmmmonica.

Mon: (standing up angry) where were you last night?

Chan: knicks game, i didn;t wanna see you cuz of the stain thing.

Mon: (angry glare) Chocolate milk? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get chocolate out of anything?

Chan: yes, and i'm sorry. Here. (gives her the flowers) roses for a rose!

Mon: (softening) they're beautiful! Thank you! (hugs him) Let me put these in water!

Chan: i'm really sorry about the stain.

Mon: (downtrodden) it's not that, it's

Chan: monica honey what's wrong?

Mon: joey doesn;t find me attarctive!

Chan: and....

Mon: and what? I'm ugly!

Chan: what? please monica you are so breathtakingly goregous it makes me wonder how i ever got you to willingly have sex with me!

Mon: (tearing up) really?

Chan: yea! (hugs her) come on, i know how to cheer you up!

Mon: does it involve sexual intercourse?

Chan: no, (thinks) no. Remember thanksgiving?

Mon: thanksg-- but i don't have a 20 pound turkey!

Chan: not that! (holds her face looking directly into her eyes) I love you!

Mon: (taken aback) what?

Chan: what? I have to say it again? It took me weeks to work up the nerve t-(cut off by monica kissing him)

Mon: (after a few minutes, pulls away) i love you too!

Chan: shall we continue this in the bedroom?

Mon: so what, whenever you wanna have sex, i'm just gonna agree?

Chan: well, yea!

Mon: ok! (kisses him, he pickes her up and they go into Monica's bedroom.

SCENE PHOEBE ROSS AND JOEY WALK UP TO THE GUYS APARTMENT Jo: (carrying phoebe;s massage table) ok, you ready phoebe?

Phoe: yep (takes table)

Jo: thanks for doing this for me phoebe. (kisses her cheek)

Phoe: (smiling) no problem!

Ro: we'll come in, in 15 minutes!

Phoe: ok. (knocks on door) you should go now!

JOEY AND ROSS WALK AWAY

Guy: can i help you?

Phoe: Hi, my name is Regina Philange, and i am a massuse. I was told to come by your apartment and give you a free massage courtesy of John.

Guy: i don't know anyone named john.

Phoe: oh, well this is 5B, the massage is already paid for....if you want it or not its up to you!

Guy: (thinking) oh well, a free massage is a free massage! Come on in!

Phoe: ok. (notices Joey's old foosball table and barca loungers) nice furniture!

Guy: thanks!

12 MINUTES LATER CUT TO JOEY AND ROSS OUTSIDE

Ro: is Monica taking care of Chandler?

Jo: (smiling) yea in so many ways!

Ro: what the hell does that mean?

Jo: (quickly) she's gonna make him clean the bathroom.

Ro: oooo, poor bastard!

Jo: should we go in yet?

Ro: lets wait 5 minutes.

Jo: you said that 5 minutes ago!

Ro: still, wait!

Jo: i hate this plan, i wanna kick some ass and get my old chairs back!

Ro: be patient!

CUT TO RACHEL SITTING IN THE TRUCK

Rach: (singing along with the radio, Pulp Common People) "and rent a flat above a shop, cut your hair and get a job, and smoke some fags and play some pool, pretend ya never went to school, and still you'll never get it right, cuz when laid in bed at night, watchin roaches climb the wall, (police officer watches her, bemused) if you called your dad he could stop it aw yeah, you'll never live like common people! you'll never do what average common people do, never fail like common people, you'll never watch you're life, slide outta view, and then dance and drink and screw! (sees the cop) AH!

Cop: i like Pulp too.

Rach: (embarassed) yea they're good... Is there something wrong officer?

Cop: you've been parked here for a while, just wanted to make sure nothing was going on.

Rach: (scared) nothing going on here, just helping friends move, they haven;t gotten here yet.

Cop: Ok. You can calm down, i'm not gonna arrest you or something!

Rach: (nervous laugh) yea.

Cop: i don;t wanna sound forward or anything, but would you like to get a cup of coffee sometime?

Rach: (looking at him and smiles) yea, but isn;t that aganst your principles?

Cop: i have no principles when it comes to a beautiful woman.

Rach: (blushing) i meant as a police officer....

Cop: i'm off duty. My name's Zack. Do you know where Central Perk is?

Rach: (flustered) yea,

Cop: how about 6pm tonight?

Rach: (grins) i'll see you there!

Cop: bye

Rach: bye! (he leaves) (to herself) still got it! CUT TO JOEY AND ROSS

Jo: that's it i'm going in! (enters apartment)

Ro: joey! (follows him in)

Jo: (silent screaming to ross) My chairs! my tv! my foosball table! they're back!

Ro: Wow it's all here!

Jo: I know!

PHOEBE IS DILLEGENTLY WORKING ON THE GUY WHO IS NOW MOANING. SHE SEES ROSS AND JOEY AND NODS.

Phoe: So. where did you get all of this kewl stuff?

Guy: (moaning) huh?

Phoe: the foosball table and the chairs?

Guy: I got it a year ago off of a italin dude.

Phoe: really? how much did you spend?

Guy: well the guy was a real moron, i worked out a fair deal for the both of us!

Jo: (pushes guy off massage table) REMEMBER ME?

Guy: (realizes who it is) oh my god, Regina save me!

Phoe: He admitted it Joey!

Guy: wait you know him? oh god, oh god please don;t kill me! (starts crying)

Jo: relax! i'm not gonna kill you, but i am gonna take my stuff back!

Giy: fine take it all back! (sobbing)

Jo: Chandler's Laptop! (sees guy) could you please cover yourself up! (he does)

Guy: Look i'm sorry i took your stuff, i was in a bad place a year ago! just please don;t hurt me!

Ro: (menacingly) we might hurt you a little (cracks his knuckles) ow! (shakes his hand)

RACHEL ENTERS

Rach: hey guys, did you beat up the guy yet?

Guy: beat....up? (faints)

Jo: not necessary Rach! Take this to the truck. (gives her a vcr and the laptop) Ross grab a end (refering to the foosball table)

Ro: (pouty) But I wanted to beat him up!

Jo: hey you made him scared, you did great!

Ro: (dumb smirk) yea, i did! Ok lets do this! (grabs end of table)

TIME LAPSE 1 AND HALF HOURS LATER

Jo: that's everything!

Ro: should we wake him up?

Jo: yea i got a message for him.

Phoe: is he dead?

Jo: no. (to guy) yo! yo buddy wake up!

Guy: (waking up) wha?

Jo: i took all the stuff you took from me. I'd steal from you, but i'm not gonna sink to your level, and there's no more room in the truck!

Guy: (rubbing head) ok, again i'm sorry!

Jo: (getting right in his face, menacingly) and remember, if you call the cops, i'm italin, i got connections!

Guy: (mortified) you do?

Jo: yea, they call my dad, "the plumbler!"

Guy: oh god! (faints)

Jo: lets go!

Ro: you're not really connected are you?

Jo: nah, but enough people see goodfellas they figure every italin is connected one way or another.

Phoe: why are you grinning Rachel?

Rach: i got a hot date tonight with a cop!

Phoe: really?

Rach: yea who's sexier now?

SCENE MONICA AND RACHEL'S. CHANDLER AND MONICA ARE CUDDLED TOGTHER IN BED

Chan: feeling better?

Mon: (out of breath) you're really good at making me feel better.

Chan: i had lotsa practice. (kisses her) May i ask, why were you so upset that Joey doesn't find you attacrtive?

Mon: he didn;t say that, he just thought Phoebe was more sexier.

Chan: oh, well that's Joey!

Mon: wha?

Chan: Joey doesn;t rate unatainable women

Mon: unatainable?

Chan: he knows about you and me, and he doesn;t go after his friends girlfriends.

Mon: really?

Chan: yea, he's a womanizer, but he has his standards and practices.

Mon: so he doesn;t think i'm ugly?

Chan: i hope he does, less competition for me! (monica laughs)

Mon: should we tell the others?

Chan: well i am through the tunnel, but maybe we should wait a few weeks.

Mon: why?

Chan: lets wait till rage ross is off the medication first.

Mon: sounds good.

Chan: what time is it?

Mon: 4:23

Chan: jeez, i should get back to my place before someone suspects anything. (getting up)

Mon: oh no! (pulling him down) i promised joey i'd keep you occupied till 5!

Chan: occupied? is that what you call it?

Mon: (kisses him) wanna take a shower?

Chan: yes!

SCENE JOEY AND CHANDLERS, ALL OF THE STUFF HAS BEEN MOVED IN. THE CHAIRS ARE ALL NEXT TO EACH OTHER. THE FOOSBALL TABLES ARE BEHIND THE CHAIRS. ROSS'S BOXES ARE ON THE COUCH AND COUNTER. OTHER ASSORTED STUFF IS CLUTTERED AROUND THE APARTMENT.

Rach: (manuevering around boxes) yea you guys have no free space in here!

Ro: yea, where am i gonna sleep now?

Jo: who cares i have two foosball tables!!! and four comfortable chairs!

Phoe: should we call Chandler now?

Jo: he'll be here soon. Thanks everyone for helping me

CHANDLER AND MONICA WALK IN HOLDING HANDS.

Chan: holy crap! did our furnitiure reproduce?

All: Surprise!

Jo: I got our stuff back!

Chan: what stuff?

Jo: the stuff that got stolen last year!

Chan: OMG! This is great! (sees the clutter) and bad! Where the hell is the floor?

Phoe: under the chairs, the tv, and the foosball table............

Chan: My laptop! I finally got back the nude yasm----work files i lost! (monica shoots him a dirty glare. sorts through the stuff) how the hell did you get all this back?

Ro: It involved a elaborate plan!

Rach: yea a big stupid useless plan!

Ro: we got the stuff back didn;t we?

Rach: it was a waste of time! well. almost. (remembers the cop) oh god i gotta get ready! (maneuevers her way out)

Chan: you all did this?

Jo: yea!

Chan: wow, (holding his computer to his chest) thanks everybody. I don;t know what we're gonna do with all this crap, but, it's good to have it all back.

All: you're welcome.

Chan: wow two foosball tables! 4 barca loungers! I wish our place was bigger.

Jo: yea.

Chan: joey, thanks, you're the best roommate ever! (they hug, in his ear, quietly) thanks for scoring me some alone time with monica.

Jo: thanks man! (to his ear) you're welcome.

Phoe and Mon: awww

Ro: (snorts) seriously where am i gonna sleep?

Mon: you can stay with me until they move out some of this stuff.

Chan: thanks babe

Ro: why'd you call her babe?

Chan: i didn;t call her babe!

Phoe: yea you did!

Chan: oh.

Mon: yea theres a good explination for this!

Chan: (stepping over the tv) we're dating! (they kiss)

Ro and Phoe: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!

Chan: (opening the door and picking up Monica) see you guys later! (walk out)

Mon: Bye!

ROSS AND PHOEBE ARE PARALYIZED BY SHOCK

FADE OUT





THE END