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IT WAS ME
(The action took place in Tampa (FL), 1994. Nick's 14 years old)
The bell has rang and Ashley took a long breathe. The classes were over but the last one, math, got Ashley on nerves so hard that she's almost gonna stand up and yell 'Jeez, people, let's kill Mrs.Brown' (math teacher). She took her bag and went outta classroom together with her best school friend Haidy. There was a large crowd in the school's backyard and it seemed that everybody was laughing out, yelling or something so loud, that it drove Ashley crazy. She was kinda 'hypernervious' that day. She thought through herself that probably she must try to become the killer, cause it turned out there were so many people for today she wanted to kill.
Haidy walked next to Ashley and was gossiping kinda new diet, when she suddenly said:
"Hey, look what a cutie!" - she showed at blonde cute guy, who was standing not far from them and laughing out loud with his buddies.
"Nothing interesting!" - noticed Ashley and turned away her head, making the face of "YACK!"
"Hey Ash, how's up your classes for today? - suddenly asked blondie. He noticed them and wanted to do something unpleasant for Ashley, cause from the very beginning of school they used to hate each other badly. And nobody, even each of them didn't know why it was so - I heard you had some troubles on biology" - he said spitefully smiling.
"Oh shut up... I forgot to ask you about it!" - said Ashley in the same spiteful tone and again did that face of disgusting.
The matter of the fact was that Ashley was sent for the lab materials and on her back way to class she fell down, by the way very unseemly, and broke all glasses. Her knee was still hurting.
"Well... how was your falling? Did ya like it?" - he was gonna mock her.
As the answer Ashley did the grimace and showed the tongue.
"Well... that makes you even more ugly than ever" - he did the face, laughing.
"Fuck you, Nick Carter" - cried Ashley, and walked in the opposite direction.
"The same to you dear" - cried Nick, as the answer.
"Why do you do so?" - asked Haidy, up to that moment keeping silence.
"She deserves" - answer Nick.
"You're cruel" - she turned away and walked after Ashley.
'Maybe' said Nick trough himself 'but how do I hate that Ashley Bernett'
Then he turned to his friends and laughed with them as never did happen.
"I hate him, hate him, hate him - Ashley was mad. Now she knew that she had only one victim whose death she desired so patiently - Nick Carter - Why does he treat me like that? For what?"
"Well... You treat him the same " - noticed Haidy.
"No way!"
"Yes, you are... You're both guys treat each other like being the shit, you're both crazy. I mean it"
"But... - Ashley was gonna say something, but then changed her mind - Anyway, how do I hate him. I'd kill him if I can"
"I'm sure he desires the same" - smiled Haidy.
"I don't care - said Ashley - Suck!"
********
"He hasn't any week points! It can't be!" - exclaimed Ashley. She and Haidy were sitting on the porch of Ashley's house and chatting about Nick week points and all that stuff.
"Well... if you think very very hard, soon you'll find out one thing... - said Haidy mysteriously - I've noticed it not so much time ago"
"What are you talking about?" - stared at her Ashley.
"Well... Nick has his week point, everybody has..."
"I know that everybody has... - interrupt her Ashley - closer to the problem Haid"
"Let's say Nick's very sensitive"
"Yeah... especially when the deal anyhow connects me" - tried to joke Ashley.
"No, I'm serious... Nick's problem is that he get everything too much close to his heart than he should, especially, I guess, love..."
"And what's the deal with love?"
"Well... If you wanna really do something offending to him, we can make him to fall in love with you, and then you will be able to say 'Hey baby, fuck out. I don't need you'. That'll be cool!"
"Are you stupid or you're just pretending to make me angry? He hates me, how can he love me?"
"You know, they say 'From the hate to love just one step'"
"In our situation it's as incredible as you and Brad Pitt" - laughed Ashley.
"Who did say to you me and Brad are incredible" - joked Haidy.
"Okay, you're... in your dreams" - added Ashley.
"Closer to the problem, I wanna say that... uh... okay we can't make him love you, but what about if he won't really know whom he love and later he'd find out it was always you?"
"How's that????" - exclaimed Ashley.
"Listen..."
**********
Nick laid down his bed in the total darkness. He couldn't sleep, he was just thinking about his life in the last month. So much things had changed since that. Firstly, that's of course, "Backstreet Boys". He didn't regret he had chosen that instead of being in Disney Shows. He could hardly believe that he was manage to be the part of the new group, he was glad, that he got aquatinted long time ago with Howie and AJ, he was grateful to his faith that he met Kevin and Brian. And most of all he thanked God that they had signed the contract, and for his precious family, for their support.
The new life began for him and it seemed for him it'd be successful. But there was one thing he was worried about. That voice... Up to the pain he was so familiar and so excellent sounded, but Nick still didn't know whose voice it was. That girl called usually on Wednesday and Saturdays and Nick noticed himself that he was waiting for her telephone calls impatiently since almost the very beginning of that mysterious riddle. He remembered that at the first time she called on Saturday 3 months ago, and firstly Nick treated her, well... not so polite. But then, when he found out, what a rich soul she has, well... how was he manage to love the voice and personality, not even knowing what kind of girls was she. She called herself 'Hulia' and Nick was trying to find her, though without success. When he started his searching, 1 month ago, he knew that he wouldn't be able to live someday without that voice and that understandable soul of that mysterious girl. He didn't know even one girl with such kinda weird name. He could tell she everything what somehow was disturbing him, and soon he found out that she's always there for him. They became friends and told each other such secrets only the best friend could know. But then after that Nick felt that he wanted something more than friendship, but as the answer for all his efforts to know who was she, she usually just said 'If you don't want to lose me, let's change the subject', and Nick surrendered. The one hope was in Nick's heart - the school ball. Hulia said that she'd came there and congratulate Nick by herself in face. But there were whole 6 months for that moment...
Nick didn't know what to do, and it was kinda going insane. If only he knew anything, little thing, small fact about her...
Ashley was sitting on her balcony and thinking about Nick. At school she tried to behave herself quite and when Nick's trying to tease her, she just kept the silence. That was the plan. After all when she says that it was she, Nick would feel kinda sorrow about treating her that bad. And then Ashley'd feel the satisfaction. But the situation was more that serious. The thing was that Ashley fell in love. Yeah, she fell in love with Nick Carter, the person she hated before so strongly. When she began her telephone plan she couldn't even imagine that it'd turn one day like that. But what could she do? The more she revealed Nick for herself, the more she loved him. It was crazy! But how damn she could know that Nick has such a cool personality. The one thing she couldn't understand, why, why does he have such great relations with Hulia, and hates incredible Ashley Bernett? Ashley was scared, if she won't be able to confess to face of Nick that it was she. She was scared of his disappointment. She won't survive if she sees it on his face. That grimace of disgusting... 'I'll die then' she thought.
***********
"Ashley, please... one more time, your sound's like hmmm... let's say...the frog! You must act" - Mrs.Salton was in searching of suitable words, which wouldn't offending for Ashley. Ashley took a part in school performance by J.D.Sallinger book "The Catcher in the Rye". She had the role of Sally. And it seemed strange, but Sally kinda reminded her of herself. Sally was unloved girl, Holden loved another girl, and as Ashley was unloved also, she felt kinda offending and jealous to herself, why on earth she isn't Hulia? The one difference was that Sally didn't love by herself, but Ashley did, and with that strong thrilling and sense. And in that day she, as always, had some problems with Nick. He as always treated her like she was something ugly and unpleasant. It depressed her badly. Ashley began disappointing in her plan. She won't manage to satisfy herself, she just hurts herself. That's why as the answer for Mrs.Salton words, Ashley cried. Her tears were dropping down like the rain... Clear, salt rain.
"Ashley, oh - Mrs.Salton was scared to death - I'm sorry girl. Did I offend you? I didn't want that, really"
"That's all right, Mrs.Salton - said Haidy. She ran towards Ashley and stood between Mrs. Salton and her best friend. She took the part also in performance, she acted Jane - I'll take care, I just need some time"
"Sure, Haidy." - said Mrs.Salton, still scaring that Ashley was so sensitive.
"Are you crazy? What's happened?" - asked Haidy, when she and Ashley went down the stage. Ashley kept silence.
"Ash? Ashley? - the silence was the answer - Ashley Bernett?" - cried Haidy then.
"Get away!" - cried Ashley.
Everybody on the stage turned theirs heads to their direction.
"What are you looking at?" - cried Ashley at them. She was angry, at herself, at Nick for being such a sonofabitch, at Haidy for being such stupid in that moment, at everybody, at the whole world.
"Okay kids, continue please..." - said Mrs.Salton in a low voice, she cleaned her throat.
"What's happening with you girl?" - Haidy shook Ashley's shoulders.
Ashley realized that she was wrong, be angry at the everybody, and especially at her best friend, at least that's only her, Ashley's, fault. She sat down the chair and closed her face by her hands.
"Oh Haidy - Haidy heard after several minutes of silence and sobbing - I'm lost"
"That's okay girl, what's wrong?" - Haidy sat down near Ashley and embraced her.
"I did the biggest mistake of my life?" - Ashley was still sobbing.
"What?"
"I love him, Haidy" - Ashley suddenly stopped.
"NO!"
"Yeah, you see, I love him and I can do nothing!"
"Jeez..."
************
"Look, she's coming!" - one of Nick's buddies said to him almost in Nick's ear.
Nick looked at what his friend was showing and saw Ashley. She seemed to him so week and pale, that his usual feeling of disgusting and teasing had disappeared. He felt kinda sorrow about her, and he felt sorry for all he'd done for her. But he didn't even show the emotions. He looked at her attentively, straight in her eyes, and found out to his surprise, that they are clear brown, like coffee color, deep and colorful. Nick had never ever noticed how cute she was up to that moment, but unfortunately, he couldn't look at her as at a cute girl, cause he was deep in his feelings about Hulia. But he decided not to treat Ashley that bad, be more patient. He of course noticed the changes in Ashley and he liked it. 'Stop that childish behavior - thought Nick through himself - maybe you must try to make friends with her, if it's possible after all you've done". Nick changed a lot since he had that telephone calls by Hulia. He changed a lot in a better way...
Ashley was passing by Nick's company, waiting for usually teasing, but all kept silence, then suddenly Peter, one of them, said:
"Hey Cinderella, go and wash your face before you entered the class and scared to death everybody" - Peter didn't confess in front of his buds, but he liked Ashley. But he has also that strong desire to be as popular as Nick at school and he's chosen the wrong way for it. Ashley turned her head at him and was gonna say something, when suddenly she heard:
"Shut up, or I'll kick your ass!" - that was Nick's voice.
Everybody looked at Nick. He was leaning on the wall, and his arms on his chest were crossed. He looked at Ashley very seriously and added:
"Excuse that dumb moron, he's outta his mind, really"
Ashley was shocked, she couldn't even speak. The one thing she did, she turned and went away.
"Nick... what the hell..." - Peter began.
"Oh... Shut up I've said! You won't ever touch that girl, clear?"
Peter was as shocked as Ashley was the minute before.
"Clear?" - repeated Nick in an angry voice.
"Yeah, sure!" - answered Peter, took his bag and went away.
Luke, the other friend tried to stop him, but Nick shook his head.
"Leave him, let him go!"
"Why did you say that Nick?" - asked Luke.
"You know, that girl... hmmm... I did so much bad for her, I'm just feeling my fault in front of her, that's why I can't let anybody tease her, as I did myself. I was wrong! And Peter was an idiot, if he tried to copy me" - after that speech Nick headed to class.
"What's wrong with him?" - asked Luke after Nick's gone.
"I donno... maybe the point's in that mysterious girl" - answered Brent, one of Nick's best friends.
"What's the point? What the girl?" - Luke was lost.
"Opps - said Brent. He understood that he'd said a little bit more than he should - Never mind. Nick'll be okay"
"But..."
"Go for your classes, Luke" - said Brent and headed to his class.
And at that time Ashley sitting on her classes, repeated only one phrase through herself:
"He did it! He said it! Yes it's happened!" - she has never been so much happy in her whole life.
************
"Hey Ash? I'll drive to your place at 6, is that okay?"
"Yeah. It'll be cool, Nick!" - Ashley tried to change her voice as far as she could.
"I'll be there sharp!"
"Surely, as always!" - Ashley answered and put down the telephone.
It have been being 2 months of total happiness for Ashley. Since that moment, when Nick gagged Peter, 6 months ago, first 8 weeks Nick just kept silence. He never did tease Ashley anymore and time after time he began with saying "HI" to her. Ashley couldn't believe her happiness. And after one happy moment when they had to share one report and were searching for material in library, Ashley and Nick made friends. They became really good friends and Ashley knew she could talk with Nick whatever about. It was like a dream! Not so long time ago they hated each other strongly, but after all they became friends. But Ashley had to use all her actress talent not to show Nick she knew everything about him, cause of being Hulia. She changed her voice, her appearance, the manner of talking, but she couldn't change her heart, her inside world, the world Nick liked so much in Hulia. Ashley was still calling to Nick as Hulia, and she realized, that for Nick there's no Ashley Bernett in his heart, there's only Hulia. They talked a lot about her and Ashley with horror realized that Nick really had the greatest crush on Hulia. And she with the bigger horror thought about that day when she'd have to break all his dreams and hopes. For Nick she's always be just friend, if only she was Hulia...
"Jeez, that was real fun!" - said Ashley.They were walking along the park, eating ice-cream and talking about the film they just have watched.
"Yeah, I didn't know somebody has such problems!" - laughed Nick.
"Yeah" - added Ashley. They've just watched the film and were full of discussion feeling.
"Well... how's up about the school school?"
"What do you mean?" - Ashley was alerted.
"Well... who'll be your partner? I heard Haidy is going with Luke?"
"Yeah, she is. And what about me? - she shrugged her shoulders - I donno"
"Maybe you'll accept my begging and come with me?" - joked Nick.
"What? Me? You?" - Ashley stopped walking.
"Yeah, why?" - Nick was kinda puzzled.
"Well... Sure I'll accept... But I donno... will it be comfortable for you?"
"Sure, Ash! It will"
"Then... uh... okay" - she nodded.
"Cool - Nick smiled at her - actually you know, I need there your help"
"Yeah?"
"Aha... Hulia maybe will come, and I just... well... I don't wanna be alone there when she'll come"
"That's okay, I'll be with you" - Ashley cleared her throat.
"Thanks, you're real friend!" - Nick smiled at her with his charming smile.
"How's up with your group?" - asked Ashley.
"It's okay, actually we're gonna release, but firstly in Europe..." - said Nick.
"Why so?"
"I donno... - answered Nick, laughing - I'm just 15"
Ashley laughed out loud also.
"We even recorded our first album" - Nick continued.
"Really?" - Ashley was surprised.
"Yeah, and soon you'll see and hear it" - added Nick.
"You made video?"
"Yeah"
"Cool"
And they were walking along the park, smiling and chatting, and Ashley thought maybe that's the last time she shares that park way with him...
*************
"Do you think he'll like it?" - asked Ashley, happy smiling.
"Sure, Ash! You're beauty!" - exclaimed Haidy.
"But... what should I do... about Hulia?" - asked Ashley, staring at her best friend.
"My advice - don't say anything!" - shrugged Haidy.
"I can't Haid! I need to. he doesn't deserve the lie! And I can't live with that!" - said Ashley.
"Maybe you're right! - was mumbling Haidy - But let the things go on... And now put it outta your head!"
"Yeah... I'll try!" - promised Ashley.
****************
"Where's she?" - asked Nick nervously. Ashley cleared her throat.
They were at the school ball and Nick was waiting for Hulia. he didn't even notice how did Ashley look for that day. She wore violet dress, fluffy and posh, and she looked like the little princess... But Nick didn't care... The one thing he knew - where's Hulia?
It lasted for the whole evening. Nick was nervous and at last Ashley, remembering her talk with Haidy and all feelings she had to Nick, decided to tell him the truth, not to torment him anymore.
"Nick. We need to talk" - she said quietly.
"Nit now, Ash! - Nick checked the watch - Where's the hell Hulia?"
"Nick, but I must"
"What?"
"That's about Hulia..."
Nick suddenly turned his face just right in face of Ashley. In his eyes there was hope light.
"Do... do you know her?" - he asked very nervous.
"Well... sorta - said Ashley slowly - Let's go outside!"
They went outta the ball room and Ashley took the fresh night air with her lungs.
"What's about Hulia?" - the light of happiness appeared in his eyes. Ashley looked at him and said:
"There's no Hulia. She doesn't exist!"
Nick looked at her as she was kinda insane.
"What?" - he could spelled.
"Listen to me, Nick - began Ashley - I must confess one thing. Whatever will happen after that... I wanna you know that... I... I love you, Nick Carter! From the first moment I saw you, I think I loved you even before we met, I really do, Nick. It's corny and funny, but as they say "From the hate to love just one step", I believe it now" - the tears appeared in Ashley's eyes.
Nick was shocked.
"Ashley..." - he began.
"That's not all - she said - I must say you one more thing"
"About Hulia?" - Nick asked
"Yeah... as I said there's no Hulia, there was only the telephone calls, yeah?"
"But I talked to her, Ashley" - said Nick, putting his hand on his forehead.
"It was just the voice in the telephone, Nick"
But there's the master of that voice" - yelled Nick in despair.
"Yeah, there is" - said Ashley slowly.
"Who was that?" - asked Nick. His blue eyes were still full of hope.
"It... was...ME!" - said Ashley very quietly and very slowly.
The light of hope disappeared in Nick's eyes... he couldn't believe...
Then he just turned and slowly headed to his car.
"Nick?" - said Ashley.
Nick didn't say anything. He'd just gone. Ashley sat on the bench, closed her face with her hands and tears began to fall down her eyes.
***************
( 3 years later, Nick's 18 years old)
"Hurry up!" - cried Haidy.
She and Ashley were racing one another after the shopping with bags.
"You're crazy!" - Ashley could hardly catch her breathe.
"I'm sporty!" - laughed Haidy.
They laughed out loud together. Suddenly something fell down the ground from Ashley's bag.
"What's that?" - asked Haidy and lifted the CD "Backstreet Back" by Backstreet Boys.
"Give it to me!" - said Ashley quickly, she was confused.
"Poor Ash! You still love him!" - said Haidy with a sorrow smile.
"No I don't! I just like the song!" - she said.
"Which one?" - asked Haidy.
" 'All I have to give' "
"I see. But you kinda worried about that meeting with classmates, yeah?"
"Not at all!"
"Oh come on! I know you as my 5 fingers!" - said Haidy.
"Well, Okay I do" - confessed Ashley.
"Poor little Ashley, she hasn't seen Nick for ages, she buys all his CD's, she's watching over his career..."
"Stop that"
"... and at last she's in worrying about will he come or not..." - continued Haidy.
"Oh... shut up!"
"But do you, do you?" - smiled Haidy.
"I donno..."
"Oh... Yeah you do!" - laughed Haidy.
"what's so funny?" - asked Ashley angrily.
"Nothing - said quietly Haidy - I just think that he won't come...no offense"
"I hope he won't..." - answered Ashley.
She was scared if Nick comes she won't be able to hide up her feelings, even against the reason that 3 years have passed.
*****************
The meeting was excellent and everything was excellent... All night long the classmates were just having fun in any ways... But there's one 'but'... There was no Nick there. Ashley was telling herself she was glad that Nick wasn't there, but deep in her heart she was waiting, waiting of nothing, waiting of miracle...
It was about 4am, when everybody was almost asleep and the music sounded lowly... Ashley took her place in the cosy armchair just on the terrace and was looking at the stars. She didn't wanna sleep, she just wanted to be alone...
After the while she noticed somebody's figure entered the gate of classmate's house. Her glance followed that figure. But suddenly the moonlight fall down just right at the face of that mysterious stranger. Ashley opened her eyes wider in surprise... It was him, it was Nick! She could recognize him even in the total darkness, or even being blind! It was like the 7th feeling, the intuition she trusted entirely. Nick lifted his eyes just right at her, as he felt something also. Their eyes met and the minute of deep silence happened.
Nick stood there and smiled at Ashley! There was no more offense in his heart! He just wanted to stay that way and watch as she smiling at him back. It was so wonderful!
Ashley smiled at him back. She was so in emotions, she didn't know what to do. Did Nick forgive her? Does he want to be with her? What'll happen if she offers him her heart and soul, says him that she was waiting for him all that damn 3 years, says him that she still has that feelings!
Nick was worried what Ashley thinks about all now... How bad did he treat her then, does she have any feelings.'I don't wanna Ashley back' he thought ' but why then my heart's beating so quickly?' Nick was puzzled. All that 3 years he forgave her millions of times and every time he said to himself that she was just friend he didn't want to lose. But he couldn't just pick up the phone and dial her number. He was scared about that fact. 'Maybe there's something for her?' he was wondering all the time. And now he was standing here, watching at her so dear and sweet face and... not knowing what to do...
Ashley came down the stairs and appeared at the door. Moonlight shadow covered her face and she looked like kinda mysterious young lady, soft, sweet and tender... Nick kept staying just at his place. Slowly Ashley reached him and lifted her wet of tears eyes at Nick. He looked at her very attentively.
"Nick, I..." - she began.
"Shhh - Nick said - Don't say anything Ashley"
"It means you..." - he saw the happy light in her eyes.
"It means 'yes'" - he answered and kissed her with a true and passionate kiss. His lips were so hot and tasty that Ashley enjoyed every minute of their kissing. She didn't want to let him go anymore... Neither did Nick...
***************
"Oh... Stop that, Nick. You always make me crazy" - Ashley giggling as Nick was trying to tickle her. They were at the picnic on the beach, and they had really great time.
"You see, you make me crazy too" - smiled Nick, keep tickling laughing Ashley.
"The fact that you're the star doesn't make you the ONE"
"Yeah? - Nick joked - Why?"
"That's why - she looked at him and showed him the tongue - You're too lazy to lift your ass and catch me, yeah?"
She stood up and rushed to another side of Nick. He stood up also and ran after her. When he reached her, both of then fall down the sand. They were laying there, both happy and satisfied, and there was nothing in the world, just Ashley and Nick...
"You know, all that 3 years I thought about you, almost every second of my existence..." - confessed Nick.
"Yo, Nick, stop lying!" - she looked at him with sarcastic smile.
"No babe, I'm serious!" - he stared at her lips.
"No way! It can't be! I thought you forgot about me!" - said Ashley, smiling.
"You know... I was lost and all that time I was in searching of myself and in searching of what you truly mean to me..." - he said, whispering.
"And what did you find at last?" - she whispered as the answer.
"I found out it was always be you, Ashley Bernett..."
"Yes, Nick. It was me. All the time" - she covered his lips with her.
