I know (realize) that I could spend the rest (remainder) of my life developing (inventing) something that would keep the smell of food off of my hands. Rubber gloves would make me look like a freak (weirdo) in the public eye, and that would not be good. I cannot afford to smell like food, nor can I afford to look like a psychopath. Onions, in my opinion (estimation), are the worst. Although, I have been told that garlic is worse. Speaking of inventions (developments), the greatest thing that ever happened to me is the battery gauge on my walkman. Now I always know how much energy I have left. There is a clock on there too, but I successfully (effectively) resist the urge to use it, because I could never get an accurate reading on it due to the constant changing of the batteries I am forced to do.
Time is very (extremely) important (essential) to me. I have never been late for anything before, nor have I ever been on time. I make it a point to be early for everything. If I am not there before you, then I am not coming. I love the feeling I get from the question: "Oh my God, how long have you been sitting there?" Fucking incompetent (inept) assholes. This is why I seem so cool and impatient all the time. The impatience (irritation) serves only one purpose, and that is to upset (trouble) the others. The fact is , I have never been in a hurry for anything in my life. I drive thirty-five (35) miles per hour (mph) everywhere. If the speed limit is higher, I always knock off about five (5) miles per hour (mph) off of the top to make certain that I never "go with the flow". I will never get (receive) a speeding ticket, nor will I ever cause a(n) collision (accident).
If I could only get out of the bathroom then I could have time for all the important (vital) things, like cleaning. If life feels short and it seems like the days are just flying by, then clean. Cleaning makes the clock stop. Dieting, too. What scares (frightens) me most are the days that just fly by. They can be summed up in one memory as if the ends were trimmed off. This is why schedules have also become a passion of mine. It is advantageous (invaluable) for me to make the most of the day. As long as I can remember, nothing has gone according to plan. Yet, I think that seeing a plan come apart is better than having no plan at all. -At least one knows when things are wrong (bad).
I had a stroke once. I am awfully sure of it, anyway. In the middle of the night a couple of years ago, my nerves from head to toe woke me up. It was like a(n) pleasurable (agreeable) charlie horse I was immobile (motionless) as waves of numb tingly pleasure rolled through me. It lasted between four (4) and six (6) minutes. I assumed (supposed) that the knot on my neck (which is a tumor) was finally killing me. What a great (magnificent) way to go! Every muscle in my body was completely rigid. It was the best stretch I have ever had. I am expecting to die from this any day now.
When I was fifteen (15), I thought I was having a heart attack. It turned out to be my first run-in with heartburn (indigestion). Earlier that day, I had eaten an entire jar of pasta sauce for lunch. Sure enough, I woke up in the middle of the night, with terrible (awful) pains in my chest. It occurred to me that my parents might be concealing (covering up) some kind of heart defect from me. See, my uncle had a heart attack and died very suddenly. Although it may seem morbid (melancholic) to think about it, but I cannot help but imagine (visualize) the Montana sky above him. I am taking into account that he died in the front yard. Well, he might have. It is something I think someone might have told me or I dreamt. I have a funny (amusing) story about a dream I had once. It is sad about my uncle, but unfortunately, I have to believe what my family tells me. He may still be alive somewhere (possibly relocated (redistributed)).
The truth is that I no longer put faith in what my family tells me. I do not trust them anymore (and for good reason). Before I go into the dream thing, let me say a brief word on my diseases. I have cancer of the prostate (I am in the age range for this, I believe), brain (tumor), lungs ( I have not confirmed this as of yet), testicles (I am definitely in the age range for this), and neck (tumor). I have AIDS (possibly, unconfirmed). Lyme disease (I found one of my dog’s ticks crawling on me four (4) or five (5) years ago. My diabetes has gone unchecked for years. I am definitely a drug addict as well as an alcoholic. I have never tried drugs before, but I feel as though I have a very addictive personality. If I were to try them that would be the end of me. I avoid drugs so that the ones I need will work when I need them to. How does one go about curing deafness? I get a ringing in my ears once in a while and it worries me. I think sitting in a silent room for a long time would give my ears time to heal. I am definitely going deaf and blind. What is being blind like? Anyway, allow me to get back to the dream I mentioned earlier.
When I was six (6) years old, my sister pushed me down the stairs. In actuality, it was a dream. Allow me to explain (clarify). I dreamt that she pushed me down the long flight of stairs in the first house I lived. My parents stood at the bottom of the steps and laughed. Talk about a complex! Is that a persecution complex? I really need to spend some time reading some psychiatry journals. Due to the fact that I was too young to tell the difference between dreams and reality, the "stairs incident" was absolute truth. My parents were shocked when I confronted them about the "stairs incident".
I was ten (10) years old when I finally mustered the courage to ask them how they could have let (allowed) my sister to do such a thing to me. They assured me that nothing like "the stairs incident " had ever happened (occurred). So...it was all just a dream... Bullshit (pardon the language)! They are just covering up for my sister and themselves! How could anyone be so cruel? I suppose it is natural (instinctual) to take advantage of your children when you have an unquenchable mean streak. The depressing part about the curse of abuse is that I will have to do the same my children (which I will never have).
Do I have any poignant (moving) comments on the time I spent in high school? Of course I do, everyone should. My school was spread out in a north campus and south campus format. Between the sections: the bus circle and a long, covered path. This setup insured that all the students spent a great deal of time outdoors, especially between classes. There are no places in my old school that make me feel uncomfortable. I remember all of it and still think about all of it everyday. I still love high school. Hopefully, the funding will fall through and I will be able to purchase my old school once it is condemned. It is not that I do not trust myself; it is just that I miss the schedule which the faculty imparted (conveyed) (up)on me (us (the students)). They were (possibly are) so much smarter than me when it came to telling me where I should be and when. I still think about the desks and the buildings. After all those years, the buildings sunk into my skin. My school sunk into my skin. I used to stand in the wind and look at my school. Sometimes my fellow students would inquire: "what are you smiling about?" The buildings, the halls, the ceilings, the lockers, all of it. Occasionally, I used to stand in the rain and I would think about what I wanted to do. I wanted to stay always and wander around with a hall pass just looking.
Why the fuck was I born without a photographic memory? I could store everything I have ever seen and file away. Wait. What would be the point of saving everything without a system to file it with? Never mind. I have a feeling that I might get one without the other and that would be completely pointless. Also, remembering everything might be bad (unpleasant). For instance, middle school is not something I wish to keep in my head forever. High school was heaven compared to middle school. So many people picking on me. It was terrible. The social structure in that place was so intricate I do not think it can be explained scientifically. It was not set up by wealth, race, class, or any other categorizeable (I do not think this is a real word) thing.
Something about all of this makes me so drowsy (sleepy). I became tired of defending the stuttering kid when I discovered that he was the worst habitual liar I have ever met. And that nerdy black kid got on my nerves, once I realized that all of his comic book characters looked exactly the same. I am not a racist. I just want to know who was defending me during all of this? No, I insist that I am not racist. I could never be a cop, driving down the street in a swastikar that is fucking hilarious. the swasti-car. It would be in that shape cruising down the street during the klu klux klan parades. clear the streets for the inbred have diseases (which are possibly communicable).
Sincerity (authenticity) has always been a big issue with me. To be more accurate, I have just thought about the subject a great deal. Tell someone they are ugly and they will act ugly. It is as simple as that. Be nice to everyone. For protection’s (security’s) sake. Insincerity is not even an option (selection) to be considered. People (folks) can sense (perceive) it and they will retaliate. Consider this: I love asking people how they are doing, so that I can tell them how I am. This, of course, leads to the best part of the conversation...what I have been up to lately. Yes!
I have taken down all your names good luck I am winning this fruitless (point less) battle. all shapes, all sizes victory. this is where you reward people for being good and punishing them when bad. I am winning...finally. Young ladies and gentlemen I have taken down all of your names. good luck. once this kid was going to beat me up on the bus when I got off at my stop and he definitely wanted to because he thought I had flipped him off but in fact I was flipping off my friend Jeff (who tried to steal five dollars from me so my mom insisted that I do not hang out with him anymore (in fact, i stopped walking to school with him through the little cracked out neighborhood behind our apartment complex where we used to throw rocks (and hit with a discarded metal rod too) at this abandoned car)) this kid (who seemed like a guy at the time) said he was going to follow me home and beat me up. I said that my dad would stop him but he said that he would kill my dad .
Seems a little much, does it not? A little cartoon-like perhaps? Was I too much of a sucker? What else is there? What doors opened up to me? Exactly. I have to concern myself with writing around (through) (this) all that. writing Around everything. I am falling asleep sitting up. Standing up asleep in every way but claiming to sneaking and writing and doing there is more now more sickness. I wanted I wanted to write about bile pus and the like. am i right? when i think of all that i have escaped with accomplished with trickery ha ha her i ha
This is why I hate dreaming.
Why the fuck was I born without a photographic memory?
I would give anything for everyone in the world to be stricken blind except for me. I am so tired of the details (particulars) outside of everyone’s line of vision but mine. No one can handle the job but me. I am not upset. I am all right. I am well. I am around. I am always around. I am going to write my way out of this. I do wonderful (splendid) things when I am bored. Dreams are so stupid.
Once, I dreamt of pissing. Everything was release and then at the end it was contracting. I wonder how close I came to wetting the bed.
On the subject of safety...
I have noticed that some people use inanimate objects to stop themselves in emergencies. Others use other human beings as nets. It is my opinion that these people need to develop another system of braking. Catch me now.
"Hi (Hello) there, you are cute, may i use you as a guard rail?"
i went to high school with you with you
It must be an amazing (awful) feeling to destroy someone in order to save yourself.
There is something so sucker about me.
My experience with women?
#1. i lied
#2.
remember in your email when you said
#3.
call me when you get back in town
#4.
i dream about you sleeping and swimming
#5.
don’t touch me i feel diseased by your craziness
Do you hear this rambling bullshit?
I have fucking had it!
i have had it
say "fuck you i’m memorizing weather patterns"
i need to travel and go outside whenever it is i wish i could say that i am leaving today but i’m not going anywhere today tonight tomorrow even this is not about anything but me i need to talk about something out loud keep track of what time it is these things happen in a second minute counter hey i am no psycho i don’t do military time i have to check up on my infection every hour to see if it is healing properly i see that it is clearing up a little more each day i can’t go out or it will because it will never ever heal and plus i can’t break a sweat it’s true sweat points are a real thing millions of americans suffer from food depression it is a real thing one’s diet is important on not just a physical level but a mental one as well i refuse to buy new furniture because i suspect that someone could sneak in my home with an allen wrench and take everything apart i can’t go out there it just isn’t worth it
listen to me
walking
we went to the beach of the east coast
all i could think about was japanese people
i have no imagination
i wanted to discern bold things
the beach with her walking the word
that place that (a) (the) place
where was i?
i have fucking had it
the third and final place is outside
i am going outside
all shapes all sizes victory
All of the written works presented on these pages are copyrighted by Richard Glenn Schmidt-2002.
i hate dreaming
almost always a big party of that teenage stuff that i could never admit i wanted with nude blonde headstands and huge suburban homes with no parental guardians where sex is a dream in my dreams other dream was simple three ladies swam blue blue green pool while i stayed in the floating room with square windows watching them swim i held their clothes them swim in their multi-colored bikinis they had on left behind were the soft everyday smells of their everyday clothes them swim ladies looked in on me "i’m just getting drowned started in here" we all floated toward floating back home at night all day darkness dogs and yard uncomfortably a sanctuary with dead relatives restored to complete the story that never got finished in my real home reincarnation for closure hey i still have something to tell you _________ the home is but i never try to touch anything retrace the path i wore in my hallway drowsy maze to repeat in my only chance to return without traveling expenses the only way to describe this is through embellishment and i have a feeling that i am always welcome to die live die live repeat at my delightful and terrible party of dead people and live people they are dead by me too because i polarize and i won’t because i can’t go back to the same place twice all the time and over again everyone knows me but the setting is rolling and everybody lives like a bad night of sleep and i had to sleep at least 8 hours for every wake up doubling and doubling the need i‘ll never get up again but i dream stains spoiled neatness spots stains inconsistencies fake fake presence real and nightmares 7 bristling cold nitemares hot sweaty dread into sleep once what was eating me but i dream by numbers yes certain paths are indicated (designated) by number making it look like a subway map but pretty soon the numbers cannot be associated (allied) with (to) their paths any longer and i am floating with 3 5 6 9 and 2 and it turned into a nightmare when i realized suddenly that I did not have a set schedule and it is really hard to sleep after that because all is sex to last forever to wake wake Wake Up (due) to (the) one (single) detail (factor) I cannot overlook (ignore)
i went to high school with you
i went to high school with you
the rain does bring it back
overcast moving dark gray
shifting quickly windy
and obvious
boom
i did not know i was lying but i was
she made me thing I was dumping her
i felt i had to get her back
what a remarkable rainy fucking day
the other bitch (the one)
she kept the wrong letter on purpose
she kept it for herself
she was watching me from then on
i hate her so much
"i looooove you sooooo much"
?
it gave me chills i’m serious
oh you met someone else while you were away
how romantic
(if you ever met me
you would know how this sounds)
you light sleeper you
we better do something soon
This is how women are.
They obviously need secretaries or some kind of personal assistant to organize their lives (feelings and such).
with everything -inconsistencies-
i(I) will
my plot will be so simple that it will insult people
(the populace)
then i will sell them their own spinal fluid back to them
i don’t care
i’m not playing with adults anymore
they don’t care about anything
and they have no structure
what was once impossible to communicate
the things you never tell anyone
if it should occur to you don’t tell it
nothing never say anything
they’ll remember it no matter
how inane (_________________) it might be
heaven is earth but better
i won’t be me there
that is heaven
i need to leave
and do something
out of character
we are not going to make it home tonight
the air is think
i am afraid of dying now
what’s up the sky was up tonight
don’t ever let me forget the _________ of nothing
no one there underneath
we went through the loneliest places
the closer to the ground
ascend as many steps as possible
the more dangerous
roof(s) the safest place(s) at all
we are not going to make it
home tonight
and walked at one a m
and the moon
and their beach and moon
and the word "discern"
for i could not make out anything
(i don’t (can’t) draw
draw it for me
cross out my name)
from four hundred 400 yards and classify and categorize them
i told her i did not tell her
i told her without telling her
that i am learning to be everywhere at once:
"discern" is the magic one
i am trying to discern bold the shapes of people
and i pleasantly am thinking about
not being alone
specifically?
about never having our moment ruined
sand moon ocean
where they put our friends back together
where they push their brains back in
where we all agree about luck being extremely bad
someone is going to say something
i absolutely detest
the idea of missing out on anything
this is why i am so worked up right now
where the fuck is that third and final place?
i don’t care if i win or lose this anymore
it all ends in supreme joy anyway
inthedawnnow it is dawn now
do something out of character
all shapes all sizes victory
do something out of character
all shapes all sizes victory
do something out of character
all shapes all sizes victory
do something out of character
all shapes all sizes victory
do something out of character
all shapes all sizes victory
do something out of character
all shapes all sizes victory
do something out of character
all shapes all sizes victory
do something out of character
all shapes all sizes victory
do something out of character
