August 1997:
So, for the past 23 years or so I have been living a pretty normal life as a professional person in some pretty high powered positions and in fairly large private and public (NYSE!) companies. My jobs have included various Vice President, Senior VP, COO and CEO roles.  All the time being a transgendered person.  I actually kind of get a kick out of this seeming juxtaposition of my emotional sides.  Imagine yourself in a board room meeting with panties and nylons under your suit and New York power tie (it happened!).

Anyway, although there is some comedic aspects to all of this, my life with Jailyn has had some very real and consequential impact on my life. For many years I was in therapy trying to sort it all out.  I shared Jailyn with only two of my shrinks over the years. One was a psychologist who focused on the clinical side. My work with one of these  was to try help me gain general acceptance of myself and to bring me closer to accepting my feminine side. The other was a Freudian psychiatrist who worked through standard "analysis" techniques.

Both were helpful in the end.  I learned a lot about myself mostly not directly relating to Jailyn. Although I think both probably had the belief that if "all the other problems got fixed, Jailyn would probably go away".  Neither one of these good people had specific training or significant experience in the field. From my more recent research on the subject, I think such expectations of Jailyn's personality dissolving is unrealistic.  In short, there isn't a "cure" for what I have.  Additionally, if someone would offer me a pill that would have Jailyn disappear, I probably wouldn't want to take it.  I really do LIKE that part of me and I think I would feel a terrible loss without it.

But I have nevertheless continued my trek to find who and what I am.  Although it doesn't make logical sense in a traditional "two gender society", today I know I am a person of two distinct genders, one male, one female.   I have worked over the years to integrate the two "halves" into one.   But, I think it is safe to say that the two may never fully meet.  Not perhaps because they can't,  but because mainstream society can't accept it. 

So I guess I am destined for the role of part-time lady! It is something I accept with joy.  I really do enjoy a new outfit and especially the way I feel as a woman. I feel a great sense of peace, happiness and "completeness" when I am a woman. I feel many good things as a man as well.  But, I never feel the same happiness with a new DRAB suit that I feel with a new dress!  I have no idea how other men feel about clothes.  I enjoy a good suit because it gives me a good feeling about myself and confidence, but it is all very utilitarian for me. When I get a new outfit...now that is nothing short of EXCITING!

Today, I have a better feeling about myself and am beginning to truly accept who and what I am..."transgender gifted"!  I don't expect things will change very much for me with the knowledge and acceptance I have gained of myself.  I don't expect to "come out" to my family or friends. At some point I may  want meet new friends who are similarly gifted but we shall see.

I will go out into the world sometimes as Jailyn and enjoy what there is out there for her in a "normal" sort of way. I know now that any sense of normal must come from myself first, not from "society" It is said you must first accept yourself before you can expect others to do the same. I have wasted a lot of my life learning this.

And finally, a thing of huge importance to me has occurred...my wife a few months ago has brought Jailyn into our lives together. I am the happiest person in the world because I am now complete. I will write more on this as I develop my diary to the transgendered world, its friends and admirers.  There I will share with you the realization of my dreams.

January 1999
As an addendum to this story, after living now almost a year approximately half time in each gender role. There has been a merging of the my feminine characteristics into my masculine being.  Interestingly, I have become more feminine in my male gender role,  but my female gender role has retained its significantly very feminine quality. 

I am now in the process of having my facial hair removed with the new laser hair removal methods. My wife has also said she wouldn't mind (she actually suggested it) if I had some minor plastic surgery on my face to help me look better (pass as a female).  My wife is amazing and she obviously loves me a lot.   She is also a GREAT shopping partner!  I am certainly a lucky...ummmm...PERSON

December 2002
At the writing of this third addendum I have been living for 5 years at about 70% full time.  I have had virtually all of my facial hair removed now although even after laser and electrolysis some facial hair (albeit very light) continues to sneak back for some reason!  So, I still see my electrolysis technician for that as well as other things.  I have had my eyebrows done as far as I dare still allowing me some androgynous flexibility if necessary in the future.  I also have my lips done with collagen occasionally but there again I can only take that so far.  I also wish it would last but it has to be redone from time to time.

I tried hormones briefly but after I ultimately broached the subject with my wife it was clear that was something she was not ready for so I stopped (how could I not with my wife being so supportive on all other fronts!).

Our children are still officially in the dark regarding my transgendersim but at least one daughter pretty well knows I think.  We don't intend to share my situation and role with the children for now...who knows in the future.  So sometimes I have to dress down.  It is not so inconvenient. 

I have really settled into my female role and am very happy with it too!  Even in drab I am wearing androgynous clothes most of the time and even our I wear very light makeup in most situations. I seriously doubt that most people would notice my light powder, blush, eyeshadow/liner and lip tint.  It really just makes me look kind of exceptionally good in my male role (I look like I have very fair shin and nice coloring is all!).  By the way, this has taught me even more about cosmetics.  To wear so little that the makeup is not perceived but so that it still enhances my appearance has been quite a helpful endeavor.

My male persona has naturally become less important to me.  I was never overly masculine but these days I have to be very careful when out drab not to fall into my far more used female presentation.  The things that I find to remember are my walk and how I carry myself.  I am sure I fail sometimes because I have been hit on more than once by gay men!  I can never figure out if that is a compliment or not!  LOL

These days, I am trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.  Sometimes I feel as though I am in a holding pattern.  Although my wife continues to encourage me to do things such as cosmetic surgery of various types, most of those things seem superfluous compared to some of the things I might really like (yes, still a moratorium on hormones...or for that matter implants). Still I understand and in many ways agree with my wife's position.  Still one tends to sigh about it all!

It is a continuing saga after all! More later!