TAILS?!!?
GAAAAAHAHAHAHA! |
That's right fans, MFO your daily dose of world dominating, doctor
approved hilarity, is hosting a battle between the new Planet of the Apes
movie and the classic 1967 monkey drama. Read on to see who got their tails
kicked. AHAHAHAHA GET IT, TAILS??
AHAAHAHAHHA.
|
RAAAAAHAHAHAH!
GOOD JOKE!!
AHAHAHAHAHH |
Charleton Heston vs Marky Mark
(Taylor vs Leo)
MOSES WANTS HIS GUN |
I figure Marky Mark will try to attack first constantly yelling "YOU
CAN'T STOP MY GOOD VIBRATIONS! YOU CAN'T STOP MY GOOD VIBRATIONS!" Heston
will probably retaliate with a large gun of some kind. The NRA president
would then probably shoot said gun and that would make Marky Mark shit
his pants. Now, we all know Marky Mark is this legitimate actor and stuff
now right? But that's a load of bullshit, he's still that baggy pants wearing,
running man doing, shitty early 90's white rapper he was before.
Thanks a lot for coming out Marky, but with that dress and those shoes
you can't expect to beat fucking Moses in a fight you pussy. |
Where's your huge cock now, Assface? |
General Thade vs Dr. Zaius
*Insert banana joke here.* |
As the main bad guys in their respective versions, it is to be noted
that both these guys are the biggest monkey-assholes you'll ever want to
meet. Also it is to be noted that Thade is one bad ass motherfucker. Now
I know a lot of people throw around the term "Bad Ass Motherfucker." But
this guy was the very definition of the word. Kinda like how Ice Cube is
the definition of "Hard Ass Nigga" and how this
lady is the definition of "fat."
So anyhow, back to this fight, both are equal in the jerk category,
but Thade would rip Zaius apart, mostly using that pointy helmet he has.
Dr. Zaius may be an orangutan, but he has no such pointy helmet to combat
that very bad ass hat Thade has. |
"AAAARGGGHH!! THE FATTY BEANBAG IS MELTY!" |
Ari vs Dr. Zira
"Like, love the planet man, peace, woodstock, groovy." |
I guess this would be the monkey cat fight if there is such a thing.
Its the monkey who helped taylor vs the monkey who helped Leo. One is a
kickass Doctor who fought for her beliefs and stood by her husband, the
other is a tree hugging, human loving, vegetarian stupid hippie. If there's
one thing Doom does not stand for it's hippies. I bet that if Dr. Zira
were here, she would also be firmly against hippies and their stupid long
haired, peace loving, tie died, ass fucking.
Fuck Hippies.
So in this fight I bet Ari would try and talk her pussy ass out of the
fight and Zira would hit her with a stick or something. Damn right. |
"Fucking Hippie bullshit." |
Nova vs Daena
Nova was once prone to violent head seizures. |
Here is the fight everyone would want to see.
Nova vs Daena. Some hot chick from the 70's vs the very very hot Estella
Warren. Now don't get me wrong or anything, I think Estella is the hotter
of the two. And I think she did a great job of being useless in this movie.
But Nova would destroy her in a preferably long, oily fight.
Don't get me wrong folks, I love Estella Warren, but she was useless
in the new movie. Except a few decent cleavage shots, she shouldn't even
be in the bloody thing. They could've hired a cardboard cutout of Kelly
from Saved by the Bell like Zack used to have and it would've done the
same thing. |
Estella Warren was once asked by an unnamed man if she
would marry him. She said she doesn't dig guys with metal faces........Fuck. |
Attar vs Random Gorilla
"HEY PUSSY LET'S FIGHT!" |
Attar is another Bad Ass Motherfucker, but he also has this good side
to him that prevents him from being as scary as Thade is. That doesn't
mean, however, that he couldn't beat the shit out of some random gorilla
from the first movie, cause he could. In fact he could do it while eating
some Ice Cream and saying his 12 times tables.
Now that I look at it this is a ridiculous fight. What I've done here
is the equivalent to making a chocolate bar fight a really fat kid. No
chance for the random gorilla and certainly no chance for the chocolate
bar.
I apologize for even suggesting such a ludicrous battle, and to fat
kids everywhere. |
"Sorry, I don't know anything about a fight, I
was just doing my laundry here..." |
So in conclusion, the old movie was much better than the new
one and the characters from the old one could beat the new characters 3-2.
Nice work Tim Burton, you psycho ass.
-dd
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