| This past Saturday night (the 27th of June, 2001)
Doom escorted a lovely young lady to Coliseum in Mississauga for the viewing
of this summer's The Fast and the Furious. And let Doom tell you, this
movie had a lot of cars in it.
Aside from that little intro, let me start by saying that this movie was very cool, but not really a good movie. I'll be pointing out some things throughout this review that you may disagree with and if you do, feel free to fuck yourself. AHAHAHA I'll start by telling you how terrible the script was. First, Ja Rule was in this movie. Now, if you are a huge Ja Rule fan if you could just turn off that Trick Daddy song and stop jingling all that ice around your neck and listen to this: Ja Rule is in the movie for 2 minutes. He says one of the stupidest things I've ever heard and then you just never hear from him again. Now he's the kind of character where he looks cool and your like "Cool! My favourite raspy-voiced rapper is in this movie starring opposite of Vin Diesel!" But after you see the part with Ja Rule you would change your mind to say: "Why in the name of the sweet Baby Jesus did they ask JA RULE to do THAT?" His big line is "Its not how you stand by your car, its how you race... YOUR CAR." WHAT ELSE WAS HE GONNA SAY? "It's now how you stand by your car, it's how you race... YOUR VAGINA." NO! No. He would not have said that. Also, it's not like he was gonna switch what he was talking about in mid sentence. I can't even remember the last time I did that. "Oh, man this new Trick Daddy joint is so bumpin that I sure do like to see it when people get their faces eaten by crocodiles." Therefore, script writers of Fast and the Furious, you didn't need to add the words YOUR CAR to that. Now I looked for about 3 hours for a copy of the Fast and the Furious script on the internet and couldn't find it. So, as a result of every script web page on the internet being run by assfuckers, I can't 100% accurately quote the film. Anyway, getting back to how incredibly inept the script writers for this movie were (at least for the first half of the movie) Vin Diesel, one of my new favourite actors, was given two of the worst and fucking mind boggling lines I have ever encountered. The first one, which is the one that got stuck in my head for two days and almost caused an aneurysm, was absolutely useless. It was Vin Diesel after winning a street race saying something along the lines of "When you race, the winner is the winner." Now, I would like to take this time to thank the writers of that quote for teaching us all a very meaningful lesson of how when you win something, YOU WIN! The weird thing is that I always thought that when you race, the winner is not the winner, but he's the guy who has rub poo all over his face. Sadly, this isn't the only stupid line that our main man Vin has. In a horrible attempt at product placement, summer heartthrob Vin Diesel has to say: "You can have any beer you want, just as long as its Corona." What the fuck? Did they have the Corona beer guy write that? Or maybe it was the stupid guy in the Corona Bottle suit in Cancun. Either way, after the blatant plug, I was expecting the conversation to go like this: Vin Diesel:
You can have any beer you want just as long as its Corona.
As you can see, the movie has some ass-retarded
lines in it and if you could take your eyes off of all the cars and boobs
for a second, you might have noticed that. Now I don't know about cars
or anything, but they were pretty sweet. However, the cars being
cool didn't make up for how many times the script writers were fucked in
the ass by gorillas. It seems like the gorillas
were doing it while they were writing too, because I'm pretty sure the
guy from Varsity Blues talks about how he likes homo sex.
Speaking of the guy from Varsity Blues, he did not belong in this movie. It's not like they needed to make Vin Diesel look cooler or anything so why did they hire this two-bit no-talent hack? What they really needed was a guy who at least looked like he could kick ass. This tool couldn't kick an ass even if the ass he was kicking was a house and kicking meant looking at it. Think about it. Also, they probably had a big problem on set every time this guy tried to have sex with the nearest man. When he tried with Ja Rule, the Def Jammer was quoted as saying "It's not how you stand beside a homo, its how you have sex with A HOMO." |
Ja Rule, seconds after his filming of Fast and the Furious. When asked about his role and what he thought it brought to the film he barked and yelled "Its Murda!"
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