(all of the origins are from Marvel.com)

Here now, is MFO's very first collaborative article between World Dominator Dr. Doom and Urban Street Menace Vampireface

While running alone on a country road, Stanley Stewart passed through a dense fogbank. When Stewart emerged from the fogbank, he discovered that he could alter his perception of time so that the world appeared to be in slow motion. Every day after that Stewart found that he could run faster and farther than the previous day. Six weeks after running through the fogbank, Stewart broke the sound barrier while on a 200 mile sprint. It was at that point that Stewart decided to become a costumed crimefighter. His Mom had to talk him out of using the name "The Boomer".

OK we know what your all thinking, when did Charlie Brown shrink his head, grow four feet and loose his penis? Well apparantly when he ran through a "dense fogbank." Now, since when is fog a source of superpowers? We have no fucking clue, but be sure to not to jump into it or start peeing all over the place because either one of these activities will earn you the nickname "The Whizzer."

You may be wondering why his face is red, well, here at MFO we have brewed up a pot of coffee and have studied the reasons this phenomenon surrounds The Whizzer. Here now are two explanations regarding this facial discolouration.

VAMPIREFACE:  It's quite simple.  One would assume that if this guy is named "The Whizzer"  he must whizz a lot.  So along with gaining the power of running real fast because of his altered perception of time (Why the fuck would that make you run fast?) his kidneys make 100 times more urine than normal.  This means that all day the Whizzer has to take a leak.  That's why his face is red, he has to hold it in alllllll day.  He uses the bathroom sometimes but he mostly uses this power to put out fires and win pissing contests at bars.  He wears sunglasses so if people ask him why his face is red he can just say, "I've been in the sun all day moron, why else would I be wearing sun glasses???"  So ya that's my theory.    PS he's gay.

DR. DOOM: See, my theory isn't so much a "THEORY" as it is "MAKING FUN OF VAMPIREFACE's IDEA." First off, I think he is named "The Whizzer" because he can't control his urine flow and freely pees all over the place whenever he feels the need to. I think that you would name a guy "The Whizzer" because he pisses all over the place, not cuz he holds it in. Yeah, so, either that or they call him that cuz it looks like someone pissed all over him, and that shitty costume of his.

All in all, "The Whizzer" is a rip off the Flash and to a lesser extent Quicksilver.  Let's get serious here, what kind of criminal would be scared of a guy in a Charlie Brown costume, with a red face who calls himself the Whizzer.  Oh wait, maybe they'd laugh so hard that they'd get too distracted and forget about the crime.  Also, why would this pussy let his mom talk him out of using the name "The Boomer"? Probably because he was scared of people calling him "The Poo Boomer", but obviously he didn't see the consequences of naming himself "The Whizzer".  Once those neighbourhood boys grow up to learn what whizzing means, he's in a load of trouble.. 

Matsuya lost his family in a car accident early in his life, and in the same instant, lost the ability to walk. He was enrolled in Saint Simons Academy, where he became introverted and resentful but nonetheless began inventing small toys and machinery-- and manifested his mutant powers. Shortly thereafter, he met Artie and Leech, other mutants who were enrolling in the same school at the time. 

Good news for all crippled smart children: If you can get a hover-wheelchair and a motorcycle helmet you can be a WIZ KID too!!! Wait, don't get your hopes, up. In order to follow in Wiz Kid's footsteps you need to a) be a weiner b) be oriental c) somehow "manifest" mutant powers and d) and have a highly unneccessary letter on the hood of your hover-chair. 

Another thing you may need in order to be "The Wiz Kid" is an unexplainable love for having your ass kicked because I bet it happened a lot to this fag. I mean, seriously the last time I saw an oriental kid wearing a motorcycle helmet while in a wheelchair I wasn't afraid that he had some unknown mutant powers, I was more concerned with where he got that sweet ass helmet from. However, if I had gotten into fisticuffs with The Wiz Kid my main area of defence would've been my shins, because as far as I can see, his main attack would be ramming his chair into them. Some mutant power that is. 

While on the subject of his stupid chair, why the fuck is the letter on the hood a T? Is he a big Mr. T fan? Does it stand for THE WIz Kid, or THE TOOL? Someone please explain this to us. The best explanation will win a McDonalds button that says "I met Ronald McDonald!" You can show your friends, and then after they're done kicking your stupid face in, you can tell them how much ass MFO kicked when you read this article.

An insightful thinker, a skilled fighter and a phenomenally accurate sharpshooter, the Two-Gun Kid became one of the most celebrated of the old western heroes. When the hero team Avengers battled the time-travelling villain, Kang, in the 1870s, Two-Gun was intrigued by the team, struck up a fast friendship with longtime Avengers member Hawkeye and allied himself with the Avengers against Kang, accompanying them back to the 20th century once their battle was won. Two-Gun offered his services to the Avengers and was awarded reserve membership in absentia while he explored 20th century America with Hawkeye as his guide. Two-Gun became increasingly homesick, though, and later returned to his own era.

Ok, here at MFO we are huge fans of cowboys and the cowboy culture in general, but when some guy who knows how to shoot a gun dresses up like a gay stripper and decides to fight crime we are legally binded to make fun of this person and his/her ass-ramming tendencies. The "Two Gun Kid" is named this because he carried two guns and they are his main weapons when fighting the drunken stuntmen who just worked on Back to the Future 3. You might as well call every cowboy that ever existed the Two Gun Kid because they all carried two guns. The only difference is that they weren't as heavily into eating pink candy and drinking pomplemousse as this guy was. Its like calling Superman "2 Arms" or Dr. Octopus "8 Arms" or Green Lantern "One Lantern." It's not even like these guns he has are special crotch exploding guns or something, they're just normal everyday Colt .45 revolvers; the standard issue when you tell the U.S. Government you're a cowboy. 

Now let's make fun of his clothes. Where the fuck did he find an orange cow to make that fucking vest he's wearing? And nice bandana, homo. I know Cowboys were into bandanas but not when you wear it like its an invitation to come to your ass-party. 

When a tornado swept cowboy Drew Daniels into a nearby atomic pile, the radiation gave him superhuman powers, and he left for New York to seek fame and fortune as the super-heroic Texas Twister.

When the origin of Texas Twister was revealed they made a few mistakes. When it says a "tornado" swept cowboy Drew Daniels into a nearby "Atomic Pile" it actually meant that one day Local Retard in a Cowboy hat, Drew Daniels was playing in Radioactive Man's "Atomic Pile." Apparantly this gave him standard vague "superhuman powers." We're guessing it includes hightened strength and a heigthened love of cowboy hats. Another mistake in the origin is when it says he "left for New York to seek fame and fortune." That should say "The People in his town made him leave because he smelled like atomic poo.

Little is known about the mysterious shitty super hero LAMPREY, but one thing is for sure naming yourself after a pesky river snake is pretty damned original. However naming yourself after other pesky members of the animal kingdom is not so original. Take The Fly or The Mosquito for example. Maybe it wasn't these guys' best choice to name themselves after tiny bugs that routinely get crushed by humanity. Now that we think about it the Lamprey is way more scary than pesky. One time we were down at the river and lamprey clamped on to Ron Jobi's ass soooo hard. Vampireface and I take back anything bad we said. The lamprey is a mighty river snake-monster and deserves to be feared by anyone with an ass.

Nowhere in above origin does it actually give you the origin.  By this logic here is the origin of Spider-Man: "One time Spider-Man fought Green Goblin, then he went home." We found ourselves wondering how he got these mystical Unicorn  powers especially if he's from Russia.  It's a known fact that there are no unicorns in Russia.  From what we gather, the unicorn stole a doctor's head thing, put on a costume that has nothing to do with a unicorn then tries to fight Iron Man. Sure theres a picture of a unicorn on the costume, but that's probably because it used to be a little girls pajamas.

This means that if you go to the doctor his head piece may contain unicorn powers so watch out and don't let him near your balls.  It turns out all Unicorn does is try to fight Iron Man, but Iron Man just kicks his ass, so he re-groups and tries it again later.  We all know that for the most part a unicorn is a pussy animal.  It only appears when a little girl is sad and wishes that she had friends.  Then a unicorn comes and grants wishes or something and a rainbow appears.  So maybe part of his powers are saving little girls from their problems.  Only, when the little girls see this pussy in a gay suit, they cry, kick the Unicorn in the shins and realize that their life couldn't possibly be as bad is his and they live happily ever after. 

Hypno-Disco: Hypno-Hustler had rigged up a conventional discotheque's sound system to play evil subliminal messages designed to make dancers into his willing slaves. The mind control could be readily broken by splashing water in a victim's face, and prevented by blocking one's hearing. 

Alright, so lets just assume for a moment that this Hypno-Homo has a real chance at succeeding at his plans. That means that if you're walking down an alley one night a group of really gay disco dancers are going to try to steal your wallet. Big fucking deal. Last time that happened to us we just called in a team of the nearest male figure skaters and the worlds largest all gay battle occurred. Most of the time Vampireface and I were either throwing pennies at the dancers or thinking up funny names for Elvis Stoijko's mullet-esque hairstyle. (Good ones we came up with included "AAM: Almost A Mullet" and "The Skater Spoiler - To cut down wind resistance")