| October 9th, 2001 is a date I will probably forget
the next time I watch TV, but for now I have a few things to say about
that fateful day.
What makes this particular date so fateful is
the fact that I watched Brendan Frasier and The Rock star in The Mummy
Returns. They actually should've named this film The Mummy is a Pussy,
but before we get to that part of this special MFO exclusive article, I
have another point to make. If a few years ago when you were snooping around
some ancient tomb, and you managed to wake up this ancient mummy who wanted
to destroy the world would you go back to snooping around someone named
the Scorpion King's tomb? NO. NO YOU WOULDN'T UNLESS YOU WANTED A WHOLE
LOT OF SCORPION TAIL UP YOUR ASS. This movie just doesn't make sense and
on top of all the not making sense, WWF's the Rock is in it. WHAT. THE.
FUCK. That could have been any random muscle man and it wouldn't have mattered,
because in the end, the Scorpion King is completely computer generated.
Now I'll admit some time has passed since the
day I saw this shitty movie, so my memory may be shot a bit. Like, for
example, I think I remember a part where the Mummy is having tea with his
mom or something because this movie does not do "The Mummy" justice. When
you think of the mummy you probably think of a
scary undead creature from
ancient egypt. Well he is sort of like that I guess, expect this mummy
has skin, is alive, and ISN'T A MUMMY AT ALL. He just turns into some fucking
guy. Some guy who looks like Billy Zane on top of that. Now I will give
this guy some credit, he does have magic powers and whatever but
when you have magical powers and Encino Man is outsmarting you and beating
your minions of other REAL mummies, you fucking suck. On top of
sucking balls, the Mummy falls in love in this movie. WHAT THE HELL IS
THAT!!?!? MUMMIES DONT FALL IN LOVE! THEY'RE MUMMIES!! ALL THE WANT
IS TO EAT SAND AND DESTROY BRENDAN FRASIER'S FACE! THAT'S ALL!!! This movie
made the Mummy seem about as tough as Michael Jackson when he made that
video with Lisa Marie Presley. All this movie needed to make the Mummy
a complete pussy was to put a glass of pamplemousse in his hand and have
him listen to 98 degrees.
|
After saving the world from the
Mummy, Brendan Frasier said he would "go get some grindage, buuuuuuuddy."
See? This is where the Mummy falls
in love...Notice how he is not a mummy.
Halfway through the filming of
this battle scene the Rock got really drunk and started laughing because
the camera guy farted.
|
| Now on to phase two of this exclusive MFO article.
You've heard your very own Dr. Doom rant on about how the Mummy Returns
isn't worth shitting on, but are you aware of how much of a slut Mariah
Carey is? Well, I, Dr. Doom, have taken it as my personal mission to show
you, the adoring MFO public how much of a skank she really is. |
| Now you may be thinking "But Doom, Mariah Carey
is still the wholesome Adult Contemporary artist who delighted my ears
with such songs as "Hero" and "Can't Live Without You" Not to mention her
delightful Christmas albums!" Well I will say to you friend, look at this
picture: |
Quit prentending you read books,
you're
just not fooling anyone you dirty
skank.
| Now I know Mariah had some huge breakdown and
totally flipped out on a bunch of people and probably killed a few guys,
but thats no excuse to start showing off your boobs and having sex with
Ma$e. Don't worry Ma$e fans, I am aware that your hero and Harlem Word
rapper is now some kind of strange monk in the far off mountains of Tibet;
but I also know that he fucked Mariah Carey a whole bunch.
On to phase 2 of Mariah being a slut. Ever see
her video where she on those cars in that skanky pink thing and at one
point she is just wearing a bandana over her boobs? WHAT THE FUCK? |
|
Old Mariah Carey
|
New Mariah Carey
|
Nice, relaxed, fully clothed.
Still looking good.
|
Shouldn't you be dancing in
a cage somewhere?
|
| What happened to this woman? Did she get an injection
of the Slut gene? Maybe she just got tired making music people liked and
wanted to just move on, sort of grow up and just show off how many times
she could grab her boobs in the span of two minutes. To each their own
I suppose, I know for a fact I can't grab my boobs that many times in a
row without something going terribly awry. Last time at a party, as I got
up to show all the people, I slipped on their drool. Another time I was
home alone trying to beat Mariah's record and one of my hands fell off.
The point is Mariah Carey was once a well respected
Adult Contemporary singer with lots of respect and accolades. Then, seemingly
overnight, she made her boobs bigger and was just shaking them violently
in everyone's face as if to say "My boobs are back, and here to stay."
Well Mariah, you skank, congratulations on making your self number one
in Doom's book of "Women who grab their breasts to make up for writing
shitty music and being in even shittier movies." Next in this book: Britney
Spears. |
Here, Mariah is quoted as saying
"Sex for money? FUCK Singing!"
|
|
