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If you all of a sudden had a real hankering to play a game that featured a rapist girl-beater who bites ears where would you go? Playstation2? Dreamcast? No, my friend, you would go to the best sytem ever created. The Nintendo Entertainment System, and the game you would pick up is Mike Tyson's Punch Out.

Now, everyone knows about Mike Tyson's Punch Out. Its the story of bronx boxer Little Mac's rise through the ranks of the WBF or something. You control Mac, and try to defeat each boxer as they come. I would now like to take this time and portion of the website to clearly state: This is one of the best video games ever, hands down.

Having said that, now I will proceed to make mercilous fun of it.

 
First off there's Little Mac. Now, Mac, two things: You're out there trying to make a name for yourself in boxing. You're trying to take on such foes as Piston Honda, Bald Bull and Mike Tyson. That's all well and good. But don't you think you should have a less pussy-esque name? LITTLE mac? I mean, come on, bringing attention to the fact that your fatty of a trainer is three times your size doesn't exactly make people want to fear you. And what do the ladies think Mac? I guess Little Little mac doesnt see much action with a name like that hey? 
 
 
 
 

The other thing is, when you're out training and your useless fat piece of shit trainer is eating a donut while riding his bike ahead of you, don't you think you should wear a different colour jogging suit? Don't get me wrong, the colour pink is a great colour. Known lovers of it include little girls, the easter bunny and queers. Now, I have absolutely nothing against the gay community but unless your main boxing strategy is to ram your cock up the other guy's ass, you'd better pick a more threatening colour than pink.
Little Mac and his stupid fat trainer, Doc


Mac, for christ's sake you look like a jobbing newborn baby girl

 
Glass Joe and his seriously fucked up face
 Next we have Glass Joe. Now, Glass Joe seems like a guy who's trying hard to make it through the boxing world, who knows, maybe he's trying to make enough money so he can open up a bagette store or something. But with a record like 1 and 99, it's pretty obvious you're not going anywhere with the sport. Maybe you should take Little Mac's jogging suit and go back to France where you can rest peacefully with the knowledge that you'll be in a country where everyone can't kick your ass and where they don't routinely egg Bagette shops.

 
Up next is Von Kaiser. Now, the Kaiser here has the right idea. A name that strikes fear in the hearts of men (even though he is often mistaken for a Super-Villian Baker), and one mean moustache. Von Kaiser doesn't fuck around with his moustache. Look at the curve on that bad boy. Not bad eh? Now, I was admiring Von Kaiser's moustace one day (much like you just did) and then I fought Great Tiger and made a realization: Great Tiger is Von Kaiser with a turban, body paint and new pants. The Kaiser must have been pissed about losing to Little Mac so he came back to kick his ass as a different guy. Either that or the Kaiser is a closet Sikh.
MFO is on to you, Kaiser

 

Even with Piston's glove covering a third of his head, that's one giant noggin		 Once Little Mac becomes the number one contender on the minor boxing circuit he has to face Piston Honda, the Japanese fisticuffer. If you look at Piston he kinda looks like Keeanu Reves except with a HUGE FUCKING HEAD. Look at Piston's fucking melon! That thing has its own moon! It's the type of head you only find in fairy tales. Like in that fairy tale: The Japanese Boxer with the Huge Ugly Head.

 
Now, having a huge head in boxing can't be a good thing, so right now, you're probably thinking "Piston should've stayed in his native Japan and got a job in a calculator factory or something." Sure, thats what he SHOULD'VE done, but he couldn't, in a direct quote from Piston Honda he proves he can't even speak Japanese by saying: "Sushi, Kamikaze, Fujiyama, Nippon, Ichi..." Now any dumbshit can recite a bunch of Japanese words they read from thier everyday household appliances, but this guy is FROM JAPAN. I'm pretty sure he was named Japan's Biggest Disgrace Since the time they thought they could beat the United States in a war. 
"Raw Fish, Suicide Bomber, Fujiyama, Japan, One..." WHAT THE FUCK PISTON?

 
"Now now son, you know that this is Daddy's reading time, Nintendo is only for fridays remember?"

FUCK YOU DAD!

 Since, this article is taking long to write I think I'm going to stop after I talk about Don Flamenco and come back and update it later. So anyways, Don Flamenco. This is the guy from Italy who carries a rose in his mouth before every match. I ask: WHY DON? Are you going to give the rose to Little Mac and charm him into laying down for a count of ten? No, because that only works on the girls you meet at bars after you slip them that new date-rape drug. It doesnt matter anyways, cuz before the match Don does this weird punch and the rose disappears from his mouth. So forget the whole "Don Flamenco is a queer or a date rapist because he gives roses to his opponents" thing for a sec and look at Don Flamenco.

This man is not a boxer that anyone should be afraid of. Why? Its because he looks like someone's Dad. Specifically someone's Dad who works in an office and doesn't really likes sports, so he just reads the stock section of the paper all day. Don is the type of Dad who didn't let his kids play Nintendo whenever they wanted, he would hide it in his shoe closet and whenever he felt like being nice he would let the kids play Duck Hunt or something. This is the type of Dad that if you went over to your friends house and their dad was Don Flamenco, you'd just be like "I'm glad my Dad isn't this big a cock grabber." By the way, if you are reading this and the things I have said described your dad, tell your Dad I called him a dick smacker.   -dd

UPDATE!


 

Melty Head: A Disease that Ravages Bald Bull's home country of turkey.
 Ok so lets get to it, got some positive feedback from this review so I'm gonna continue it with: Bald Bull. 

Now Bald Bull is the guy you have to fight in order to win the World IBF championship. And this Big Turk is pretty good. However, if you weren't scared away by his extreme baldness or weird droopy head you were in luck. Sure in a match the man I took to calling "Baldy Spaldy Spaldo Baldo" may look tough and mean but little did you know Bald Bull has the stomach of a Hollywood Hooker who hasn't eaten in a week. When he does his bull charge all you need to do is punch him is his whorish stomach and watch his giant floppy head smash into the mat. 

Now Bald Bull, you look pretty mean and all but you have to do something about that pussy of a stomach you have. Take some advice from a fat chinese man and build up that stomach so that a punch from a possibly gay-possibly midget boxer won't knock you out.
Last time a midget punched me in the stomach I just kicked him in the face.
Click to enlarge the fatty
buddah-like chinese 
sculpture that I used to 
be afraid of when I was a child!

 
 
Next in the lineup of retarded boxers you and Little Mac have to face in this game is Soda Popinski. (Don't worry I realize I left out King Hippo) Anyhow, Soda Popinski is Russian and so Nintendo decided to make him a raging drunk. But considering this is supposed to be a game for kids they made him addicted to Soda Pop instead of Smirnoff. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Cuz we didn't get the whole "Every Russian is a drunk" thing. Shame on you, Nintendo. This is a not so clever way of hiding a popular Russian stereotype.  I mean, you should've just went all the way and named him "Vodka Drunkinski" or "Pukes Onhimselfnakov." 

So now that we've established the fact that Nintendo fully intended for Soda Popinski to be an alcoholic. Let us revisit another hidden message in this popular game. This message is that the colour pink = not a good boxer. First it was seen in Little Mac, and now it is seen in "The Russian Poofcake," Soda Popinski. In case you can't tell, Soda's skin is pink, and since that is absurd (the game seems to be followig normal flesh tones up to this point) I've decided that they decided to make Soda Popinski a huge pussy. 
Performing his world famous projectile vomiting trick, SODA "Liquor" POPINSKI!
Every boxer in this game has some sort of an intimidating quote if you get into the second round with them, that is, except the big pink Russian. Soda Pop says, and I quote "After you Lose, we'll drink to your health." 

Now I know that he is sort of not a pussy for assuming he'll win, and that this is possibly just a show of good sportsmanship on his part. But, in a game where the enemies try to threaten you so much they sometimes just spout random words, I think that Soda Popinski is just trying to be nice. No way that is anyone's worst insult. It's like if you and I were about to fight and I said "After I break your face, I'll pay for your hospital bills, take care of your grandma and buy you a nice car... after I'm done sucking on your nuts." What Soda Popinski said was nice, he's a nice guy, and you know what nice guys equal to MFO? PUSSIES. -dd

Thanks man, can I have a backrub too?