I like spiders. I like them because they eat annoying insects such as the mosquito and the earwig. On a similar note, I really like Spider-Man. I like him because he puts annoying super-villains in jail such as The Scorpion and The Green Goblin.

 

It must be tough to be Spider-Man, mostly because any idiot who receives some sort of heightened ability or super feature decides to go get him. I can't count how many times Spider-Man would just be swinging around New York looking for some asshole mugger or something and then run into Mysterio or Electro. Then, while fighting that guy, Hobgoblin or someone comes flying out of nowhere to ambush him. This usually ends up with the two villains fighting each other while Spider-Man slinks away down some alley. Lucky for Spider-Man, the guy who hands out Super Villain licenses makes 90% of them complete fucks. They never figure out that they should just  team up because, again, complete fucks. Good thing too, because Spider-Man can usually only handle one psycho guy in a gay costume at a time.

This picture is from a brief time when Spider-Man's head was replaced with a penis.

 
 

During my rant about Dr. Octopus and how much of a retard he is, I came up with a clever little nickname for him: Dr. Cocktopussy. AHHAHHAHAAHAHA

Now, I know what everyone is thinking: “What about The Sinister Six?” Well, I have thought of these guys. Doctor Octopus, Vulture, Mysterio, Electro, Sandman and Hobgoblin. These six retards got together in hopes of destroying our friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man and as it turns out, spent all of their collective brain power on coming up with a word that meant “bad” but started with an S. (as to make their name roll off the tongue easier) Dr. Octopus was supposed to be the evil genius of the group, but then again, this is the same guy who has 4 mechanical arms and named himself after an 8 armed mollusk. It is also noted that the ‘muscle’ in this collection of criminals is a guy who, if you throw water on, melts into mud. This guy is the marvel comics version of the wicked witch of the west without the scary witch witch part. In addition to these two, the collection of Spider-Man’s most feeble enemies added Hobgoblin; a guy who got his face burned off and now flies around on a rocket powered skateboard and throws pumpkin bombs. What the fuck? Pumpkin bombs? I give Hobgoblin that much more of a hard time because this is an idea he had to actually had to steal from someone else.

 
 

This brings me to some additional Marvel Comics super-heroes and super-villains who are actually super-fags. First we have Jigsaw. You can tell how evil a super-villian is by his name usually. Mephisto, Dr. Doom, JIGSAW? He named himself after the most boring thing you can do indoors. Jigsaw was just a normal angry guy with a gun until the Punisher ripped his face to pieces using a plate-glass window. After his lengthy skin grafting, he came back as Jigsaw, and with no other evident superpower, I've been forced to try and figure out what it is. So since he's just a guy with a really stitched up face, his super power must be Scars. Scars and bruises from getting his ass kicked by Punisher. Now, if scars and bruises are a source of super powers Tina Turner would be kicking some major ass right now. So i figure either scars and bruises or revenge. And if revenge is a super-power, Christopher Reeves would've killed that Horse with some sort of revenge-driven laser beam from his eyes a long time ago.  Whatever, Jigsaw is a tool.

Is that Jigsaw or is that Jesse Cotsapolous?

 
 

Next, is Speedball. You may be asking yourself "Why would anyone name themselves this?" Well the answer is that this guy is an ass ramming dick hugger. Also, his name is in reference to the fact that if you hit this stupid little punk he bounces around a room uncontrollably for a really long time. So, in a nutshell, his super-power is to break things in whatever room he is in when he gets hit. Here is an excerpt from the last time Speedball tried to save someone in Spain:

 

Finally, we come to Mysterio, now these other guys are pretty bad, but Mysterio here is much badder. (and can you say that, Badder?) Mysterio is a man named Quienten Beck who used to work for a Hollywood FX company but got fired. In response to this, he stole a shitty costume, put a fish bowl on his head and called himself Mysterio. His only super power is his extensive knowledge of special effects. Whenever he commits a crime he scares people using movie effects, into doing what he says. This wouldn't be that bad of an idea I guess, except for the fact that Spider-Man, his arch enemy, knows that whatever Mysterio does (whether it be dress a guy off the streets up as a werewolf, or make a lot of smoke from his smoke machine) is just an optical illusion and therefore not real. This is a big thorn in Mysterio’s side considering Spider-Man is always the only super-hero sent to stop him. That's like your super power is being a hot dog and every time they need someone to stop you they send a fat guy. Mysterio must be seriously pissed whenever Spider Man shows up.

The new Mysterio super-villian theme:  KING OF THE SEA

 

Mysterio: HA HA! Eat this bank! Give me, Mysterio, MASTER OF ILLUSIONS All your money, or I will have this giant lobster eat you! Bank Manager: AHHHH!! ok! ok! Wait! Master of Illusions? Mysterio: uhh, nevermind that... GIANT LOBSTER! Bank Manager: AH! ok, sorry, here! Spider-Man: *enters* Hey everyone, calm down, this guy is bullshit. After this Spider-man kicks the shit out of Mysterio while the people in the bank keep trying to eat the Lobster, because they still don't know it's an illusion.

 
 

Since there isn't a real Spider-Man, I'm glad that the nerds at Lucasarts and ILM haven't clued into the fact that according to Marvel Comics, they could all be categorized as Super-villains. The world should be breathing a collective sigh of relief, because if they did, they could be running the world right now. I could continue telling of all the lame super heroes and villains in the Marvel Universe, except for the simple fact that if I keep telling you just how pathetic these super-retards are, you might cry. And the last time I saw a person cry, it was during the movie James and the Giant Peach when the spider was telling a story of how her spider-brothers and sisters were killed by James’ aunts. And we all know how much I love spiders.     dd