This is a note to the many parents who defend
spanking on the basis of their religious beliefs. I
find this argument mystifying, as love is defined in
the Bible as being patient and kind1.
Hitting a child is neither patient nor kind, and does
not accomplish the true goal intended. It only
produces feelings of anger, resentment, and low self-esteem,
not the genuine willing cooperation the parent seeks.
Adults too would cooperate with someone who
threatened or hit them, but they would do so only
through fear, and only if the other person held more
power. Genuine cooperation comes from the heart. The
only cooperation worth having is that which is given
freely by a child, not because he has been frightened
into obedience, but because he feels loved, respected,
and understood, and consequently wants to treat his
parents with love and respect in return.
Sometimes parents justify spanking by saying they
do it only when they are "calm". Although I
wish no parent ever hit a child, I would prefer to
hear that they spank only when they are angry; at
least that would make some logical sense to the child,
and be consistent with what he is learning about
human nature. If a parent is indeed "calm",
then he should be able to think clearly enough to
discover more creative and positive ways to resolve a
problem.
All physical punishment is emotionally dangerous
and mind-warping. Associating so-called "love"
with the deliberate infliction of pain is deeply
confusing to a child, because children know in their
hearts that love and pain are inconsistent. This kind
of confusion, if experienced often enough, can lead
to masochistic, sadistic, or other pathological
behavior in adulthood, in which love and pain are
associated - hence the strange "spankings wanted"
personal ads in some newspapers.
It may be helpful to consider the most common
reasons a child "misbehaves"2:
The child is trying to fulfill a legitimate need
which has been ignored too long. She may be hungry,
thirsty, overtired, or may simply need a reassuring
hug, or some undistracted respectful listening. Such
needs can be met easily if the child has not had to
wait too long (indeed most children are surprisingly
patient), but if continually postponed, can lead to a
lengthy conflict, with tantrums, crying, hitting, and
other kinds of misbehavior. The proverb that "a
stitch in time saves nine" is most apt in
parenting.
The child lacks information. An infant reaches for
a hot object because she does not yet know about such
hazards; a toddler "takes" an item in a
store because he is simply too young to understand
about stealing; a child runs into a street because he
doesn’t fully understand the dangers. If a child
misbehaves due to a lack of information, it is our
responsibility to provide this, not the child’s
responsibility to know something he does not know. It
is unfair and ineffective to punish a child because
she lacked information, and punished child will be
too distracted with feelings of anger, resentment,
and fantasies of revenge to learn the lesson intended.
In this way, punishment diverts the child’s
attention from the matter at hand, and thus
interferes with learning - at precisely the best time
for this learning to take place.
The child is emotionally upset or physically
distressed. He may be frightened, angry, confused,
jealous, disappointed, or he may have other intense
feelings because of whatever happened just prior to
the misbehavior. He may be misbehaving because of the
discomfort of an impending illness or the high
histamine levels associated with allergy. It is not
really so difficult to understand the reasons for a
child's (or an adult's) behavior if we simply put
ourselves in their place. Children are not an alien
species; just like adults, they all behave as well as
they are treated.
If we try to change a child's behavior without
attending to these natural, universal, and
understandable feelings and needs, we do not help the
child, because the underlying problem has not been
dealt with. Consequently, the child learns nothing
about how to handle similar problems in the future.
There is no specific information in a spanking, and
any verbal direction - constructive or not - that is
given at the time cannot be heard by a frightened,
angry, and resentful child. The most timely
opportunity for the child to learn something
important has been lost.
Simply forcing a child, by means of our greater
size and power, to meet our needs does not resolve
the real issues which led to the behavior. The
unwanted behavior - or another kind of misbehavior -
will recur until the child's legitimate needs are met,
her feelings are understood and accepted, and she
feels truly loved and secure.
It is inevitable that sometimes the child's needs
will conflict with our own, but this is not the child's
fault any more than when the needs of two adults
conflict. The difference is that parents are in a
position of superior power which they can - but
should not - misuse. It is wrong and unfair for the
strong to overcome the weak by force, and there are
always alternatives. If we use our creativity, we can
resolve conflicts in a positive and compassionate way.
Indeed, any negativity or force in conflict
resolution simply creates more conflict. Because of
this, punishment and misbehavior can quickly escalate
into a vicious cycle, with parent and child locked in
a struggle for power. The parent, having more power
by virtue of his size, parental role, and one-sided
laws that protect adults - but not children - from
physical aggression, can always win such a struggle,
at least until the child reaches the teenage years
and is physically strong enough to rebel.
The only message in punishment is rejection. The
unbearable pain of being rejected by those who are so
important to the child’s very survival will
require him to deny his true feelings. As it is too
painful to believe that a loved parent is
deliberately hurting him, the child instead begins to
believe that punishment is an appropriate and proper
behavior for a parent. It is in this way that
misconceptions about parenting continue through the
generations.
As children learn most clearly by example, true
loving guidance consists of patience, trust,
acceptance, and understanding shown to the child by
the parents. A child who is punished often enough may
appear "cooperative" on the surface, but
the hidden anger and resentment - unless it is
directly recognized and dealt with - can accumulate
over the years until the child feels strong enough to
express it to those who have hurt him; angry
teenagers do not fall from the sky. Then the parents
give up on "discipline" because it no
longer "works". But kind parents who treat
their children with respect, understanding, and
patient explanations find that this "method"
continues to work - through infancy, toddlerhood,
childhood, the teenage years, and beyond into
adulthood. When the parent in later years is in need
of care, the child will then happily return the love
and assistance he was given in childhood.
We can feel confident that the kindnesses we show
to our children when they are young will return to us
tenfold. Sadly, we can also be confident that
punishment will convey continued anguish to future
generations.
1 I Corinthians xiii.4.
2 Adapted from Solter, Aletha, "The
Disadvantages of Time-Out," Mothering 65 (Winter
1992): 38-43.
For more articles by Jan Hunt, visit The
Natural Child Project Society at http://www.naturalchild.org/