ARRGHH! DISNEY WALKS THE PLANK FOR POLITICALLY CORRECT

By Mike Royko
Web-posted Friday, January 10, 1997; 8:02 a.m. CST

A heated debate has taken place in Southern California over whether political correctness has stuck its pointy nose into one of the oldest and most popular features of Disneyland.

It was decided recently that a change had to be made in the sexist behavior of the mechanized creatures who provide the entertainment in the Pirates of the Caribbean exhibit.

Those who have seen this display in either the California or Florida Disney parks know that pirates from a big sailing ship have shelled and overrun a town and are behaving as we have been conditioned to believe pirates did in their heyday.

They are boisterously looting, drinking, eating, singing, swaggering and chasing the town's womenfolk.

But there has long been a subtle difference in the Florida and California shows.

At Orlando's Disney World, the women being chased are carrying food. Those who are inclined to give pirates the benefit of the doubt could believe that the buccaneers are after a hearty meal rather than a roll in the hay.

But at California's Disneyland, the fleeing women don't have food. So a spectator who analyzes the scene might conclude that the pirates are intent on doing "it."

This is apparently the conclusion that was drawn by some spectators, presumably of the feminist persuasion. And they brought their views to the people who run the Disney park.

So it was decided that while the pirates exhibit was closed for renovation, a change would be made.

The fleeing ladies would be equipped with platters of food, making them appear to be waitresses, barmaids, cooks or something of the sort.

Then the pirates might be assumed to be after the food rather than the female bods.

The change was greeted with cheers by feminists and sneers by those who are less sensitive.

Although I have been in both Disney parks more than once--the fate of those of us who can't stop rearing kids--I have to admit that I never noticed whether the fleeing women were carrying food.

If I had thought about it, which I don't recall doing, I would have assumed that the pirates were pursuing the women because they had sex on their minds.

After all, they were low sorts--thieves and cutthroats--who had been cooped up with other men on a ship for who knows how long.

Let us be honest. We all know what pirates were like when it came to women. And accountants, lawyers, carpenters, tree-trimmers and journalists, too.

So what we were seeing in the Disney exhibit were a bunch of scruffy criminals with--let us not mince words--sexual assault on their minds. If they had minds. But of course, being mechanical creatures, they didn't.

I'm sure that Walt Disney, a square sort, wasn't thinking about rape when he personally supervised creation of the pirate exhibit. In his day, the Hollywood pirate was always singing yo-ho-ho and pinching or ogling females, or wenches, as the ladies were called.

But we are in a different era with different standards. About the only way you can see pirates act that way is to watch old films on the American Movie Classics channel.

If you switch over to the up-to-date cable movie channels, there is little pinching or ogling. They don't waste time. The females fling off their clothing and spring atop the compliant male for a few filmed minutes of joyous moaning, writhing and grimacing.

So by today's entertainment standards, the behavior of the mechanical pirates is restrained.

But that doesn't mean that the protesting feminists were wrong. I can understand how a woman might feel, taking her little daughter through the show and hearing her ask: "Mommy, why are those men chasing the ladies?" What does the parent say? "Oh, they want to propose marriage or living together for a while to see if they are on the same page?"

On the other hand, if zealots wanted to make a big deal out of the pirates' conduct, they could question why they are shown guzzling what is obviously booze.

Do we want the kids to see the glorification of drunken bums? Could this not offend those who are going through the pains of a 12-step program?

And if the pirates are assumed to chase the women for the food on their platters, doesn't this make a humorous statement about the serious problem of gluttony? Are those with weight, cholesterol and blood pressure problems supposed to be amused?

So if we start demanding that it be too realistic--or not realistic enough--who knows where these paths might lead?

Remember, these pirates are men who spend long periods of time in the company of other men.

So would it be unreasonable to wonder if some of the pirates might not prefer the company of other men? In more ways than singing yo-ho-ho together?

If so, would not gay men be justified in asking the Disney people to acknowledge them by maybe having a few of the pirates hold hands and do a bit of smooching?

Sometimes life in these strange times is just one can of worms after another.

© 1996 Chicago Tribune