In Alien's tongue, 'I quit' is 'vacation'

Originally published: January 12, 1984

A Chicago politician called today and chortled: "Congrats, you're one of us now, you sly devil, you."

One of you? What are you talking about? I've never been indicted, convicted or even nominated.

He chuckled knowingly and said: "C'mon, you turned out to be a real double-dipper."

A double-dipper? Me?

"Sure. And you remember how many times you've rapped us for double-dipping, don't you?"

You mean for somehow managing to be on two payrolls at the same time?

"Right, you slicker, you. But now you've done it yourself. When are you going to run for alderman? Believe me, you've got all the instincts."

Despite my protests, he was still chuckling when he hung up.

A moment later my Uncle Chester called and said: "I want to apologize. I just told your aunt that you're not as dumb as I always thought you were."

I appreciated that. But what changed your mind?

"Because I see that you managed to get two papers to print your stuff at the same time. How'd you swing that? I was always amazed that even one would do it."

Me, too, but this isn't my idea. I'm against it.

"Then, I'm wrong. You are really dumb."

Let me explain.

"Don't bother. You probably don't understand it yourself. G'by."

He might be right, but I'd like to try to explain this bizarre situation anyway.

As people who read both Chicago newspapers might have noticed, my columns have appeared in both of them the last couple of days.

The columns in this paper are new. The ones in the other paper are reprints of columns that were written and published in past years.

The reason there are new columns in this paper is that I now work here.

The reason old columns are appearing in the other paper is that I don't work there anymore. But The Alien who now owns it doesn't seem to understand that. So he keeps printing my old columns and saying that I'm on vacation.

I don't know why The Alien is doing that. Maybe it's a custom in his native land, which is about 6,000 miles from Chicago.

If so, it is a very strange custom.

I mean, in this country, most employers know when somebody does or doesn't work for them.

Around here, if somebody walks into the boss' office and says something like, "You're kind of a disreputable character and I don't want to work for you, so I quit and here is my resignation," the boss would surely understand.

And the boss would say something like: "Good riddance. Turn in your key to the underlings' washroom."

But apparently, it doesn't work that way in The Alien's native land. There, I suspect, when a person quits and walks out, the boss smiles brightly and says: "Ah, he has gone on vacation."

If so, they must have some really confused payroll departments.

Or maybe there's another explanation. It could be that The Alien, in trying to learn about our customs, has been studying City Hall.

If that's the case, then I can understand why The Alien is acting so strangely.

In our City Hall, it's always been difficult to tell if people are working, on vacation, retired, or even dead or alive. And it's made little difference. The work level has been about the same.

There have been documented cases of aldermen's young nephews being hired as city inspectors and immediately vanishing, not to be seen again until they showed up for their retirement party.

It is said that a City Hall supervisor once showed up at the wake of a foreman from streets and sanitation. As he stood over the coffin, somebody said: "Did you know him well?" The supervisor said: "He worked for me for 30 years, so I came here to see what he looked like."

But if that's what The Alien believes, somebody should straighten him out. That's the why it's done in City Hall but not in the private sector. The custom is for the rest of us to work in order to supports our ancient political tradition.

I suppose this is the kind of confusing problem that we're going to have to get used to in this modern world, with rich foreigners running in and out of each other's countries to buy up each other's business.

And it could be worse. As an anthropologist friend said:

"It's a good thing for you the other paper wasn't brought by somebody from the wealthy abut distant and remote nation of Manumbaland."

Why?

"It is the custom there that when somebody resigns from his job, he is beheaded."

I guess I was lucky.

But there's still time.

© 1997 Chicago Tribune