Guest privileges have their price even in the best houses

Web-posted: Wednesday, January 29, 1997

fter nervously clearing his throat, Slats Grobnik said: "So, you don't believe in tipping? Getting a little tight with the old greenbacks, huh?''

Excuse me?

"Tipping. You know, 15 or 20 percent of the tab, when you go out for dinner?''

Of course I believe in tipping. Why would you suggest otherwise.

"Well, I hate to mention this. Maybe it was just an oversight on your part. But when you was to my house for that dinner party last weekend. . .''

Wait a minute. Is that what you're talking about. Your highly unusual dinner party?

"Hey, be calm. Like I said, I figure that it was just an oversight on your part.''

"No, my failure to leave a tip was not an oversight. When I paid the bill, I was still almost in shock that you would present your dinner guests with separate checks for dinner and the drinks.''

"What's wrong with separate checks? I couldn't stick one of you with the tab for the whole bunch. That wouldn't have been fair. So you did it on purpose -- not leaving a tip?''

Yes, frankly, I did it on purpose because I was appalled at what you did.

"Hey, you're not accusing me of padding the bill, are you? If you looked close at it, you would have seen that it wasn't a la carte. Lucky for you, too, since you ate half the appetizers and had seconds and thirds on my wife's beef stew.''

On the check, it said "boeuf bourguignon.''

"What's the diff. Stew is stew no matter what you call it. My wife thought the name added a touch of class. So you think I padded the bill and that's why you didn't add a tip.''

No. But it is the first time in my life that I've been invited to someone's home for dinner, only to be presented with a check as if I was in a restaurant. I was so stunned that it didn't even occur to me to add a tip. Frankly, I was struck speechless, which is why I didn't say anything at the time. But since you have brought it up, I am going to ask you: How could you do something like that? What ever possessed you to invite five couples -- all friends, I might add -- into your home and then hand them tabs for dinner and drinks? And now you tell me that you expected a tip?''

"What, you didn't like the service? Didn't we give free warmups on the coffee? You got any idea what coffee costs these days?''

That isn't the point. How could you charge anything? I've never heard of something like that?

"You ain't? What, you don't keep up with the news?''

What news?

"Hey, all you got to do is turn on the political talk shows like `Crossfire' and you'd know where I'm coming from. I watch all those shows and lately these big Washington Democrats been going on to tell why there ain't nothing wrong with President Clinton renting out the Lincoln Bedroom to people who drop $100 G's into his campaign bucket. And it turns out that it ain't the way you people in the media thought it was.''

It wasn't? What way was it.

"Well, the way these guys explain it, Clinton lives in the White House. Maybe he don't own it, but the part that is the living quarters, right now that is his home.''

So?

"So this. He's like anyone else. Once in a while, he likes to have someone over for drinks and dinner. You know, a party. And sometimes he invites them to sleep over. You know, he invites people from other parts of the country. Don't you ever have out-of-town guests flop at your place?''

Yes, I've done that.

"So, what's the big deal about having friends over for dinner? And maybe inviting them to spend the night?''

That's no big deal, except Clinton, or at least his fundraisers, charge these guests huge sums.

"Nah, that's not what they say. It's more like a coincidence. These people ain't charged. It just turns out that they like Clinton so they happen to drop $100 grand and up into his campaign fund. There's nothing illegal about that, you know. And there's nothing illegal about having someone over to his home for dinner and maybe a sleepover.''

And you buy that?

"Sure. And I think it is a good idea, which is why I gave all of you dinner checks at my house. I figure that if it is OK for the president of the United States to do, it's OK for me. And I figure that if you're really friends, you'd think about all the expense and the work me and the wife do to put together a good dinner and serve it.''

But people who are guests at a dinner party often reciprocate somewhere down the road and invite their hosts to a dinner party at their place.''

"Yeah, but do you think Bill and Hillary and all their secret service agents can be running all over the country going to reciprocating dinner parties? Of course not. So instead of having the Clintons over, their guests reciprocate with a nice little campaign gift.''

So that is why you charged us for dinner.

"Right. Clinton is my new role model.''

Now I've heard everything. Good evening, I'm leaving.

"Don't forget to tip the bartender, cheapo.''

Why, is he running for office?

© 1996 Chicago Tribune