Agree or disagree? Readers get their chance to speak

Web-posted: Thursday, February 20, 1997

s a young man in the 1950s, I once took up pipe smoking. The idea was to shake the cigarette habit and appear mature.

Looking mature was important to the Korean War generation since we were trooping behind the generations that survived the Depression and won WW II.

The pipe didn't last. Besides tasting awful, it caused a change in my personality that was quickly noticed by friends and family, who disapproved.

"It makes you kind of a dull stiff,'' one of them said.

That's because I had developed the habit of slumping in an easy chair and pensively puffing the thing until someone spoke to me.

Then I'd lean forward, take the pipe from my mouth and say: "Hmmmm.'' Or in a more animated moment: "Hmmmm. . . . Ah-hah''--all the while gesturing with the pipe. Or, if listening to someone, tapping the stem against my upper teeth in a pensive manner.

And when I wasn't saying "Hmmmm'' or jabbing at the inside of the bowl with a tiny knife, tapping it or carefully stuffing it with tobacco, I'd just stand, stem clamped in teeth and legs apart, moodily staring into the fireplace. Even when there was no fire.

Later, I realized that my subconscious had taken on a Walter Pidgeon persona, after the Hollywood actor who spent most of his career playing tweed-wearing, pipe-puffing guys who were nice but dull and never got the girl and were usually dead by the end of the movie.

So I abandoned a quick path to maturity and tossed out the pipe, as well as the pipe rack, the genuine simulated hand-carved storage bowl for the tobacco, the genuine plastic-lined tobacco pouch and the various tools for ridding the pipe of caked ash and excess drool.

Later, I took up smoking cigars, which has currently become a rage among affluent yuppies, puppy yuppies and Generation Xers.

Once again, it was a search for the mature look. (I didn't know that genetics would soon step in to dispose of my cranial hair and cause me to make a great leap forward into instant supermaturity.)

But the cigars didn't work out either, although they tasted only half as bad as the pipe.

Once again, the change in smoking habits seemed to bring about a personality change. The cigars had just the opposite effect of the pipe. From a quiet, harmless, Walter Pidgeon type, I turned into a fast-talking, strutting, wise guy clone of Milton Berle or Edward G. Robinson.

That's because most cigar smokers I had known were standup comedians, politicians, bookies, mugs or divorce lawyers.

Once again, I was told by family and friends that the change had not been for the good.

"You have become a loud, obnoxious, know-it-all blowhard,'' one said. "Actually, you always have been, but now it is worse and the cigars stink.''

The cigar has long represented an effort to let the world know that the puffer has achieved success, wealth and influence.

And that seems to be part of the reason for its recent surge in popularity. This was explained to me by Dr. I.M. Kookie, the noted expert on lots of stuff.

"OK, when it comes to owning things and flaunting things, there has never been a generation like the Baby Boomer yuppies. That's because they started owning and flaunting when they were greedy little tots, and they have never shed the habit.

"Consider their cars. Sensible people buy cars they can afford. We view cars as something to get us from here to there.

"The Baby Boomer yuppie and this Brand X generation, they lease cars that make statements. Instead of buying a nice, cheap little Ford or Chevy, they lease a Lexus or an Infiniti.

"And who are they impressing? The car hiker at some trendy restaurant on Halsted or Lincoln. Is it worth $800 a month to impress a car hiker? All you do is make him expect a bigger tip.

"A smart person would buy a cheap car and install an infant's car seat even if he didn't have kids. That way the car hiker wouldn't expect a sizable tip and might even understand if you stiffed him.

"So they took up cigars. Why? Because cigarettes represent stupidity and a lack of control and a disregard for one's body. How can you jog or go to a health club to achieve perfect ab muscles if you are going to sneak out of your office to puff a cigarette on the sidewalk with the ordinary addicts?

"But a cigar is OK because it is only an occasional thing, a very slight flaunting of political correctness.

"And because David Letterman, the world's most perfect yuppie, smokes them. In a TV movie about the battle between Letterman and Leno for the hearts and minds of those who will giggle at anything, the Letterman character always had a cigar in his hand. Even when he got on an elevator in an office building. How is that for a gesture of `when you got it, flaunt it'?

"I will tell you how ridiculous the cigar fad has become. If you go into a 7-Eleven convenience store in a wealthy neighborhood or suburb, you will see expensive cigars displayed at the checkout counter.

"So ask yourself this: `Would a true cigar smoker--a Winston Churchill, for example--buy a fine cigar in a 7-Eleven? Would he even be in a 7-Eleven?' Letterman, yes. But Churchill? Never. He drank brandy, not Slurpees.

© 1996 Chicago Tribune