It doesn't take a gene-ius
to figure out cloning's value

Web-posted: Wednesday, March 5, 1997

re human clones coming and, if so, is it something we should worry about?

That group of academic deep thinkers known as ethicists seem to be worried. Most are against human cloning for moral or religious reasons.

President Clinton has issued an executive order barring federal agencies from messing around with clones and urging private scientists to desist.

But there are those who think cloning of humans would be a fine thing. One of the leading proponents is Dr. I.M. Kookie, the noted expert on lots of stuff.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Kookie predicted that cloning will become a common practice by the next century.

''Have you noticed that everybody keeps repeating that rule of science: 'What can be done will be done'?''

Yes, it is in every story written on the subject.

''Well, there's a more important rule than that. And it goes like this: If there is a buck to be made, somebody is going to make it.''

Ah, you're referring to buying stock in research companies that will develop better livestock and other agricultural products.

''That, too, but I'm talking about the market for laboratory-produced clones of humans.''

But that will surely be illegal in this country.

''So? What are we, a separate planet? Listen, there are all kinds of half-pint countries with leaders who wouldn't mind helping their local economies. All you have to do is find a friendly El Supremo, slip him a bag of cash and you are in business.

''Then you bring in the scientists and set up the labs and all the technical stuff. That part is easy. Remember, we got high school kids today who could build nuclear bombs if they had the right parts.''

Then?

''Then in a few years, when the product is ready, your international sales force takes over.''

Yes, but what is the product?

''Just think about it. You got some guy making lots of money, maybe trading pork bellies or running the bottle cap company his father left him. But he's lonesome. Maybe he's homely or shy or both. So our salesman visits and drops a catalog on his desk.''

What kind of catalog?

''You ever see the Victoria's Secret catalog? Or the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?''

What red-blooded, patriotic American male hasn't?

''So the salesman says: 'Here's one of our finest products. Ravishing and lusty, but well-mannered, refined, plays a good game of tennis and in an emergency can even cook a bit. She will make a wonderful wife, mother and hostess. You will be the envy of your neighbors. Only 200 thou.' ''

Isn't that a bit steep?

''Don't worry. If a potential customer gripes about the price, the salesman will tell him: 'Hey, if you want the house of your dreams, you get a mortgage, right? If you want that 32-valve super car, you make monthly payments. So you want the gorgeous significant other of your dreams -- and we'll make delivery tomorrow -- we can arrange financing. And you don't have to make your first easy payment for two months. We don't want you thinking about money on your honeymoon.' Even Willy Loman could close that deal.

''Sure. And the nice thing about a finance plan is that if a guy misses payments, we can foreclose and repossess.''

On a significant other?

''It'll be in the small type. Then we can move it again as a low-mileage special airbrush model.''

But won't some women protest that this is an offense to feminism?

''Maybe. But not after they see what a deal there is for them.''

You mean. . . .

''Sure. They'll see a catalog and the salesman will ask: 'So, would you prefer the brawny construction worker with pearly teeth and a tan or maybe this slinky tango dancer with slicked back hair? Or our James Bond model?' ''

So the idea will be to cover all potential markets.

''Exactly. Enterprising companies will clone gay male models, hairstylists, lesbian kick boxers -- the entire gamut of human companionship.''

Amazing.

''And for those who want a family without the usual bother -- stretch marks, swollen ankles, that sort of thing -- there will be cute little crib-ready clonets. Throw in a picket fence, a perfect replica of a best of breed from a major dog show and maybe a cloned gardener, cook and chauffeur. There will be a complete package deal for those who can afford it.''

Sounds great.

''And wait until you see what this will do to athletics. No more scouting high school games. A college or pro coach will be able to order a nimble 7-foot power forward or a bloodthirsty and catlike 300-pound middle linebacker. They might even be able to work the genetics so they hate money.''

But what will happen to the ordinary, flawed, old-fashioned human being who arrived in the traditional way.

''Well, what happened to the flat-headed swamp crawdad? And the three-toed squiggle toad?''

You mean, extinct?

''I'm afraid it is bound to happen. It is the nature of Americans to want the new and improved model of everything. There is no such thing as brand loyalty anymore. Out with the old, in with the new. Especially when you can order it for overnight delivery.''

I doubt very much that any American president would permit something like that to happen.

''Ah, but what about a perfectly packaged cloned president?''

Could that actually happen?

''You mean again?''

© 1996 Chicago Tribune