Some people aren't open to windows

Originally posted: Wednesday, August 16, 1995
Web-posted: Monday, March 24, 1997

lats was dashing along the busy street, panting and sweating in the Chicago heat.

"Can't talk," he gasped, "no time, gotta go, urgent business."

I fell in beside him and asked where he was going in such great haste.

"Gotta find a store, can't have everybody beat me to it."

What kind of store?

"Ain't sure. The kind that sells the whatsis and the whosis."

I'm not familiar with those products. Could you be more specific?

"You know, that new doohickey. Gotta find a store and give 'em my name and reserve my copy so they don't run out."

What new doohickey?

"You know, everybody's talking about it, minnows or widows, sump'n like that."

Widows or minnows?

"Yeah, widows from nine to five, whatever it's called. It's really hot stuff. It ain't even here yet and the supply is running out if you don't reserve your copy. Gotta go, see you around."

Wait a minute. Could you be referring to the long-awaited Windows 95?

"That's it, yeah, Windows 95. Greatest new product since the Veg-A-Matic. Gonna be bigger even than the Popeil Pocket Fisherman."

I'm surprised by your interest.

"What's the surprise? This Windows thing is gonna change the way we live, the way we work, the way we play, the way we do everything, which is a lot. It's gonna make my life easier and more complete and make me happier than a mutt chasing his tail."

I'm glad you are so enthusiastic. But I didn't know you were into computers.

His step slowed. "Into what?"

Computers. You have never mentioned them.

"Course I haven't. I don't mess with them. What do computers have to do with it?"

Everything. Windows 95 is the new operating system, or OS, for the PC. It replaces 3.1 and makes it no longer necessary for you to become conversant with DOS. Of course, you will need more RAM, about 16 megs, I'm told. And a bigger hard drive. And a 486 chip will be barely adequate, so a Pentium might be better. And. ...

"Listen, you nerdy creep, talk American. Are you saying this Windows 95 is some kind of computer deal?"

But of course. Didn't you know that?

"Will it work with my pocket calculator?"

I'm afraid not.

"How about my microwave? We got a new one. Terrific for revving up high-speed oatmeal."

No, they aren't compatible.

"What about the TV? Or maybe my sump pump?"

Sorry, only a computer will do.

"That's a bum deal. You're saying that if I ain't got a computer, I can't use this amazing Windows 95 and my life won't be made better and more exciting and happier and more fulfilled?"

Life is not always fair.

"So I'm going to miss out on all the excitement."

Yes, it is sad.

"By the way, what is the stuff I'm gonna miss out on?"

Well, one of the most exciting features is that users will be able to drag and drop with much greater ease.

"I don't need any help in draggin' and droppin'-especially after work on payday."

Ah, but users will be able to give longer and more complete names to their various files.

"That's nice, I guess, especially if they're using ethnic names. Uh, what kind of files?"

The usual files -- spreadsheets, databases, word processing and, of course, e-mail.

"That's the stuff that's supposed to make my life better? Wow, how did I ever get through my last fishing vacation without e-mail? And to think I've been bowling and golfing without my own database."

Don't scoff. With Windows 95, there will be a greater ease in surfing out in cyberspace.

"How do I go surfing out there when I can't swim?"

Through the telephone line to which your computer is connected.

"You mean I just sit there and look at a computer?"

Right.

"I don't know if I can handle those kind of thrills."

But wait. You will be typing messages to other users and they will type messages to you.

"Why?"

Why? So you can make new friends.

"Can I see 'em or hear 'em?"

Well, not really.

"Will I know who they are?"

Possibly. But most of the time, people just use handles to identify themselves.

"You mean like an alias?"

More or less.

"What the hell are they, a bunch of burglars?"

No, but most cybersurfers prefer to remain anonymous.

"So I'm supposed to sit there making new friends with some woman who is really a guy or some guy who is really a woman or something in between that ain't sure what it is?"

Yes, I suppose that in a way it is like a big masquerade party where everyone is invisible.

"Oh, that's really thrilling, and you don't even have to put out any crackers and cheese dip. And when you want everybody to go home, you just turn off your machine and you don't have no ashtrays to empty."

That's one way to look at it.

"So I guess I'll just have to yawn through life without the thrills from Windows 95."

Then you will never experience the satisfaction of a high-speed spreadsheet.

"Maybe, but it'll never replace the bedsheet."

© 1997 Chicago Tribune