They said: ''You're right. We forgot to mention your wrist watch and credit cards.''
Handing over my valuables, I said: ''OK, lads, don't say I didn't warn you.''
''Warn us about what?'' they said. ''Don't tell us that this is a fake foreign Timex.''
''No, but it is obvious that you have not been paying attention to the latest news that relates to your chosen profession, the life of crime.''
''True,'' they said, ''we let our subscription to The New York Times lapse and after a hard day of muggings, we don't have the energy to watch C-SPAN. So what is happening?''
''What is happening is that the president of these United States, Bill Clinton, has vowed to get tough on crime and to put more and more evildoers behind bars.''
''President Clinton said that?''
''You bet. So your days of marauding, looting and pillaging will soon be over.''
''How disappointing,'' they said. ''And here we thought that President Clinton was a liberal.''
''Basically, he is.''
''Then how can he talk that way? Has he forgotten the socioeconomic factors that have made us what we are? Hopelessness, poverty, lack of education, unstable family lives and seeing all those fine material possessions advertised on TV that we would like
to own without having to work and save for them?''
''Oh, I'm sure he's aware of the root causes that have led you down the wrong fork in the road of life.''
They said: ''Is it then possible that he is engaging in a form of tough love? We can accept that, although we draw the line at being hugged by a prison guard.''
''No, he is talking tough-tough. He says he wants to toss you in the slammer and lock the door.''
''This is quite disturbing. What prompted this shocking illiberal attitude toward those of us who, through no fault of our own, have drifted into anti-social behavior?''
''Well, I'm sure that part of it is that Sen. Bob Dole is focusing on crime as a campaign issue and has been talking tough. Of course, Dole is the sort of natural-born hardnose who even sounds tough when he says, 'Pass the salt.'**''
''Yes, he is, but we expect that sort of rhetoric from someone like Dole. He is a Republican and being insensitive to those of us in the crime community has long been part of the Republican sales brochure. Nixon did it, and Ford and Reagan and even
George Bush, although Bush never sounded enthusiastic. We always had the feeling that when Bush made a fist, his thumb was inside. But we expect a more thoughtful, rational approach from a liberal Democrat. Has Clinton forgotten the legacy of McGovern,
Carter, Mondale, and Dukakis, gentle souls all?''
''And losers all, which, I suspect, is why Clinton has decided to adopt a less compassionate Republican attitude toward thugs such as yourself. So I would advise you to return my possessions, get going while the going is still good, and mend your wicked
ways.''
''Don't be ridiculous. And please hand over your car keys too. I hope you have gassed it up.''
''Then you are going to ignore, at your own peril, the stern words of the president of the United States?''
''But of course. Do you think we are naive because we are criminals? We are like everyone else in that we don't believe most of the overheated rhetoric spouted by political candidates. Why, if we trembled every time a politician talked tough about us,
we'd be working the midnight shift in a convenience store.''
''You have a point. By the way, there is a nice set of golf clubs in the trunk of my car. Medium-flex shafts.''
''Thank you. Realistically, we would be far more alarmed if a squad car cruised down this street than we are by anything that politicians in Washington, even the president, says about us. We have learned that the candidates and their tough talk come and
go, new laws are passed and then declawed. But we remain-you, our helpless victim, and us, society's sad outcasts and mistakes.''
''I suppose you're right. So have a nice day and maybe we'll meet again some day.''
''You can count on it.''
