With a Missile, Message Definitely Has Some Punch

"Look at that," said Slats Grobnik, pointing at the TV set. "Missiles being shot off our warships. Now, I got to ask you--is that fair?"

I'm sure Saddam Hussein doesn't think it is fair. So all he has to do is duck and try to be less troublesome."

"I'm not talking about being fair to Saddam. I'm talking about our presidential election and how it ain't--what do you call it?--a level playing field?"

Why isn't it level."

"Because an incumbent president has got too many advantages."

"Look at Bill Clinton. First, he can play at being Big Daddy and promise all sorts of programs that will solve every problem we got or will ever have. Then, after he shows us what a compassionate guy he is, he can stick out his jaw and beat up on someone like Saddam Hussein and let the voters know how tough and decisive he is."

"And all Bob Dole can do is just stand there in his American Legion cap and say, yep, he's all for shooting missiles at whatever we're shooting them at. And why don't someone tell him not to go on TV wearing that hat.""

Why not? He is proud of being a vet and a Legionnaire."

"I'll tell you why not. First, a candidate should never wear any kind of unusual hats. That's old-fashioned politics. Candidates who wear unusual hats always lose. Two, the hat gets the draft-dodger vote bloc mad. Let's face it--all the guys who ducked the Vietnam War are tired of hearing about Dole being a wounded vet. There's a backlash now. You say you're a vet and they say: `Yeah, well I was a protester and got a deferment and I'm proud that I wasn't stupid enough to get my butt shot off in an unjust war. I'm the true patriot, and you were nothing but a sheep-like dummy.' Believe me, it won't be long before they abolish Veterans Day and replace it with Deferment Day."

But you digress. What about that level playing field?"

"Oh, yeah. Well, what could be more unfair? He's the president. So he says, OK, let's shoot some missiles at Iraq. Then there are headlines that say: `Showdown with Saddam.' Then the TV crews go out on Main Street and ask people on their lunch hour how they feel. So the average guy says: `We got to support the president and rally around the flag,' right?"

"Then all the pundits say that the president is getting a bump in the polls. I don't know why the TV reporters don't ask people on the street this question: `Say, how would you like to volunteer to parachute into Iraq and put a hit on Saddam?' "

So what can someone like Dole do to counter this?"

"Nothing. Unless the campaign laws are changed."

In what way?"

"Well, maybe we should let the other candidates have a few cruise missiles and warships to shoot them from." Shoot them at who?"

"Some bad guy. Saddam isn't the only bad guy in the world. It would be up to the other candidate to decide who he wants to shoot missiles at. Maybe he'd shoot them at that rotten guy in Nigeria, Sen. Carol Moseley-Braun's vacation pal. Or maybe at one of those dope kings in Latin America, where nice Juan Valdez used to pick all those good coffee beans. But he'd have to be careful not to blow up Juan Valdez by mistake. That would be bad public relations."

"Or maybe he'd want to shoot at Saddam too. That could be better than a debate. A candidates' shooting-at-Saddam contest. Wouldn't that be fair--for Dole to say: `OK, maybe my missiles didn't get Saddam, but I blew up some of his relatives? Isn't that worth a bump in the polls?'"

But if Dole was given missiles, fairness would require that they also be given to Ross Perot."

"I guess so. But Perot would have to agree not to aim them at the White House."

What if he didn't agree?"

"It would make the campaign a lot livelier.""