Practically Perfect Gift is Great, But Would You Want It?

Web-posted: Tuesday, December 17, 1996

arly in our marriage, I bought my wife a fur coat as a Christmas gift.

She had never owned so splendid a coat. And the first time she wore it on a windy and frigid Chicago day, she marveled at how warm it kept her.

The next Christmas she opened my gift box, peeled back the white wrapping paper and took out the garment that I had selected.

Then her jaw dropped and she looked at me incredulously.

"Long underwear?'' she said.

"Yep, the genuine article. One piece, long johns. Notice that the back has a flap?''

"Long underwear,'' she said again. "How . . . how original.''

"Well, last Christmas you liked the fur coat so much because it kept you warm that I figured I'd get you something else that provided warmth. And unlike a fur coat, long underwear is something that you can wear for all kinds of occasions. Plus you don't have to put it in storage during the summer.''

"Yes,'' she said, still looking a bit dazzled. Or possibly bewildered. "It is practical. I will say that. How thoughtful of you.''

But the rest of the holiday season, I noticed something that troubled me just a little.

If we were with a gathering of friends or relatives, someone would inevitably ask: "Was Santa good to you?''

She would nod somberly and say: "Yes, Mike got me long underwear. The genuine article. One piece. A flap in the back.''

Then the women in the group would stare at me and begin giggling. And the giggling would grow into raucous laughter.

And I'd find myself babbling: "Well, I didn't get it in an Army-Navy store, you know. It came from a real nice boutique kind of place. And it is warm. Go on, tell 'em how warm it is.''

"Yes,'' she would say in that deadly serious tone. "It is very warm.''

I was reminded of this when I read about the man who had a toilet built as a birthday gift for his wife at their golf club because she had complained about the back nine lacking such a facility.

While a bit ostentatious, it was practical. In fact, I can't think of any more practical a gift than a toilet, although I might have saved a few dollars by opting for a port-o-potty or even a year's supply of Depends, which June Allyson praises on TV.

The man's golfing wife was pleased. As she said: "Gifts . . . should reflect the fact that this is an important relationship.''

And a toilet surely does reflect the importance of a relationship, which is why most households have at least one. In some affluent suburbs, a man's wealth is measured by how many toilets he has.

But what is the general response to this man's originality and practicality? He is a target of mirth and ridicule. Disk jockeys, talk-show hosts and other low sorts all babbled about it.

On her radio show, the vivacious Vicky Truax revealed that her husband, Tim Weigel, the TV sportster, once bought her a stove-top popcorn popper as a Christmas gift.

That touching and intimate detail of their love life was greeted with gales of laughter. But why? For someone who loves popcorn, as she does, sometimes gobbling down an entire cornfield in one sitting, what could be a more caring gift than your own stove-top popcorn popper?

The scornful reaction to useful gifts just shows that there is scant appreciation in this bauble-loving society for men who have a practical nature.

There is nothing so easy as buying a bauble--some trinket that a giddy female can dangle from her wrist, ankle, ear or, as is popular in the young barbarian set, from a hole in the nose.

It takes thought and imagination to buy a woman her own toilet, long underwear, or stove-top popcorn popper.

I recall Slats Grobnik talking about the hurt he felt when his wife yelled at him one Christmas morning: "How could you buy me an ironing board for Christmas? An ironing board!''

Poor Slats said: "I'm sorry. What did you want? A new mop?''

Men don't feel wounded by gifts that aren't baubles. That's why you see so many women in hardware stores at this time of year buying tools for their husbands. Many men love tools, even those who don't know how to use them. I know one yuppie male who was thrilled when he got a set of screwdrivers. He said: "Oh, these will be perfect for prying open shell fish.''

One of the finest gifts I ever received was one of those big, lantern-style flashlights. It was just the thing for shining out the window at night and catching the raccoons in the act of looting my garbage can. And another night I happened to catch the neighbors' daughter and her boyfriend in their back yard in the act of something or other.

But the mockery I endured because of the long underwear taught me a lesson. To heck with being practical in gift-giving because it isn't appreciated.

This year she gets a Swiss Army knife.

© 1996 Chicago Tribune