When It Comes to Muscles, the '90s Are Truly Ab-surd

Glancing at my midsection, Slats Grobnik shook his head and said: ''You ought to do something about them abs.''

Them what?

''Your abs. Just from a casual observation, I suspect that they are not in very prime shape.''

There are special machines for abs? What about just doing situps?

What the heck are abs?

Boy, are you out of it. Abs, as any contemporary-minded person such as myself can tell you, are the abdominal muscles. What you would rightly call the old pot. Those of us who are fluent in the language of yuptalk call them abs for short.

And what the heck is yuptalk?

''That is the language of yuppies. They like to abbreviate words and phrases so they don't overload their brains and squeeze out important mental data on the trendiest new restaurants.''

Thank you. But what has brought on your interest in abs?

''Well, in case you don't know it, the abs are the muscles of the 1990s.''

I wasn't aware that decades had particular muscles.

''That's because you don't watch the early-morning exercise shows on TV.''

And you do?

''You betcha.''

And you jump about and do all those exercises?

''Are you crazy? No, I watch because those are the best hootchy-kootchy girlie shows you'll ever see. That's why so many of us watch. And what I've learned are that abs are where it's at these days. Today you got to have those flat, washboard-hard abs. And when they have the commercials for exercise machines, what's really the hot sellers are the ab machines.''

There are special machines for abs? What about just doing situps?

''Don't be silly. That's old-fashioned and you can strain your back. If you want great 1990s abs, you ought to have your own 1990s ab machine or belong to an exercise club. Or you could even hire your own personal trainer and he will devote his life--for an hourly fee--to giving you perfect abs.''

But why would I want great abs? And what has made them the muscles of this decade?

''Because great abs look good in a bathing suit or your bikini underwear, whatever proper attire the situation calls for. Or if you wear one of those cutoff T-shirts that shows your belly with jeans that are cut really low. I mean, that's how you dress if you really want to show the world you have great abs.''

Not on a November day in Chicago. Besides, I prefer to keep my abs a private matter.

''I don't blame you.''

Since you mentioned decades, what was the muscle of the 1980s?

''I think lats were big in the 1980s for guys.''

Lats being . . . ?

''You know, the muscles on the side that gave a guy kind of a V shape. And firm glutes for the women, especially those who favored tight jeans.''

But what ever happened to bulging biceps and big forearms? A bulging bicep always impressed kids. And a big forearm, especially if it had a tattoo, was eye-catching.

''Forget it. Nowadays, if you got a tattoo on your forearm, people might think you're an ex-con. And big biceps were the muscles of the '50 because guys used to wear plain white T-shirts, like the Fonz, and fold their pack of smokes into the sleeve. That showed off the biceps. But nobody could sell biceps and forearms in the '90s. For modern cool guys, those are strictly blue-collar muscles. And women don't want bulging biceps and big forearms unless they run with motorcyclists or belong to NOW.''

But bulging biceps and big forearms are very useful. They make it easier to lift heavy objects.

''Yeah, but who lifts anything heavy today? How much muscle does it take to hoist a floppy disk or a glass of chardonnay? It's like a strong back, which definitely was the muscle of the 1930s.''

What's wrong with a strong back?

''You don't need it. It was the muscle of the '30s because so many people were doing hard physical jobs. But who needs a strong back today? And what matters most, who's gonna see it? They don't make shirts without backs, you know.''

What about some of the other decades? The '40s for example?

''Well, you had WW II for half that decade. And during the war, and maybe Korea, too, I think the glutes were the big muscles.''

You mean one's rear end?

''Sure. Because when you went through training, the one thing they taught you was to keep your head down and keep your butt down or you'd get them shot off.''

That makes sense.

''Then right after the war when all the GIs came back was when the Baby Boom started and all of today's yups started getting born by the bushel load.''

So that would mean that the muscle of the late '40s and through the '50s was . . .

''I'm not sure you want to get into that.''

I think you're right. But at least it didn't require a machine.

''Who knows, maybe in the next decade.''