Court Ruling Makes Hawaii Even a Better Honeymoon Locale

Web-posted: Thursday, December 5, 1996

court decision legalizing same-sex marriages in Hawaii has put much of the country in a tizzy. Some people are giddy from happiness. More are grumbling about what the heck the world is coming to when two guys can get hitched.

But I don't see what the fuss is all about. As is my habit, I try to look at the bright side of any controversial issue. And in the case of gays getting married, I can see some advantages to various elements of society.

Take cops. There are few chores that cops like less than being summoned to do something about a domestic dispute.

In the typical domestic fracas, some stressed-out guy is loaded or flippo and pummels his wife or threatens to do so, while scaring the kids and disturbing the neighbors.

The cops become involved in what should be a private matter because nature has decreed that males be physically stronger and more belligerent than female persons.

So when husbands become violent, wives are at a disadvantage--except those who are handy with knives--because they lack the physical strength to make it an even match.

Therefore, the females become victims, and the police are required to intervene in some way. To protect the weaker woman, they might have to arrest the husband, which means time spent at the police station filling out forms. Then the guy has to go to court, and the cops have to be there to tell the judge what happened.

This takes the cops away from their more important duties of chasing down murderous fiends or keeping their eyes peeled for someone with a burned-out taillight.

But if and when gay men start getting married, their domestic disputes should take a different form.

Gay men, especially those who are young, are known to be devoted to physical fitness, working out at health clubs, pumping iron and wrestling with Nautilus machines to keep their abs and lats nice and ripply.

So in a domestic brawl that turns violent, it might be less likely that the police would be called. Two muscular guys, or even scrawny ones, ought to be able to duke it out on their own and not involve the cops and the courts.

In fact, I would think that a guy would be embarrassed if he had to pick up the phone, dial 911 and say: "Please send help. My wife is threatening to beat me up, and he knows kung fu.''

And if it ended up in court, a judge would be inclined to toss the whole thing out if both spouses had black eyes and split lips.

Then there is the nasty business of divorce. If gays are going to marry, then it can be expected that some will wind up getting divorced.

So this means even greater prosperity for those lawyers who specialize in this sort of litigation. So if you are a divorce lawyer or the wife of a divorce lawyer, self-interest would require that you take the conventional liberal position and hail the Hawaiian legal ruling as a great victory for individual rights, civil liberties, romance, and a more open and caring society.

At the same time, these divorces should have only a minimal impact on the already overcrowded divorce court dockets.

As any divorce lawyer, judge or mediator can tell you, the most troublesome and time-consuming elements of divorce are child custody, child-support payments, visitation and anything else having to do with the kids.

Many unhappy and combative couples use their kids as bargaining chips in the struggle over assets, make sometimes false accusations of sexual molestation, and do everything they can to punish the former spouse and assure that the kids will eventually spend years on a shrink's couch or on a bar stool.

But since gay men are unlikely to have children--at least at this point in scientific achievements--divorces involving gay couples should be relatively hassle-free. A judge or a mediator is not likely to have much patience with a custody battle over a puppy dog or a kitty cat.

And they won't be showing up in court every few weeks to demand an increase in puppy or kitty support.

Gay marriages also should be a break for financially strapped parents.

It is still considered a tradition in some circles for the father of the bride to foot the bill for a wedding.

But if two men marry each other, there is no bride. So the parents will be off the hook.

And in the case of lesbians, there will be two brides. I would imagine that both families would have to split the costs, unless one of the two brides has a mustache.

Then there are the Gingiss Brothers and other tux rental companies. They, too, should be hailing the Hawaiian decision. One wedding, but there would be tuxes for the groom and the other groom. And tuxes for both best men.

So let's not think of this as evidence of the decline and fall of traditional values, but rather as a boost for some parts of the economy. More weddings, more wedding cakes, more bachelor parties, and more reception halls rented and orchestras being hired. And, of course, more flowers being sold. I assume they will throw the traditional bouquet to some blushing old bachelor pal. More big-spending honeymoon trips.

Yes, the 21st Century ought to be one heck of an experience.

© 1996 Chicago Tribune