It's Crystal Clear, Good Advice Isn't Always at Hand

Web-posted: Friday, December 13, 1996

verybody who believes in free enterprise and freedom of speech,'' Slats Grobnik declared, ''ought to be speaking up about what these tinhorn politicians are doing to people like my Aunt Wanda.''

Your Aunt Wanda? Wasn't she the strange fortunetelling lady who read tea leaves or something like that?

''Nah, she read coffee grounds mostly. We didn't have too many tea drinkers in the neighborhood. And she also read the lines in the palm of your hand, the corns and calluses on your feet and the red lines in your eyeballs.''

Eyeballs?

''Yeah, she'd study my old man's eyes, then she'd say: 'The red lines in your eyes tell me that you been drinking that cheap yocky-dock again, and if you keep it up, your liver is going to explode. That's 50 cents.' ''

And she read feet?

''Yeah, but you had to wash them first. She was a high-class old dame. And something else she was famous for. Any time someone in the neighborhood kicked off, Aunt Wanda always saw them in a dream at the foot of her bed the night before.''

Then why didn't she warn them? They might have been able to get medical help.

''Nah, she said that would have been against the fortuneteller's professional ethics. She always waited till after they were gone before she told about her dream.''

Then how do we know she really saw them at the foot of her bed? She could have proved it by telling them in advance.

''Are you nuts? Then they would have been so scared they might have dropped dead.''

But you say they died anyway.

''See? That proves she was on the legit.''

Wait a minute, if Aunt Wanda is gone, why are you saying that her freedom of speech is being threatened?

''I didn't say hers. People like her. Fortunetellers. It's right here in your paper. All these suburban politicians are passing laws banning fortunate tellers. I guess they think it makes their towns high-class if nobody has got a sign on their porch saying: 'Maria for Fortunes, Advice, Romantic and Financial.' ''

Well, there are those who believe such people are frauds, exploiting the gullible.

''Uh-huh. That's pretty funny coming from somebody in your line of work.''

But I don't tell fortunes. There have been times I could barely remember the previous night, much less predict what will happen tomorrow.

''Yeah, but if I open the paper, what do I find? There's somebody telling my fortune from my horoscope. And that's coming from somebody who don't even know me and has never looked at my palm or my feet.''

Yes, I suppose horoscopes are a fluffy but popular newspaper feature.

''Then I can flip a few pages and there's somebody giving advice to the lovelorn, like they used to say. Or telling some gullible sap that he ought to dump his cheating sweety. Then I go a few more pages and there is some guy giving me advice about what horses I ought to bet on. Or what the spread is on a football game, which is another kind of fortunetelling. I always wonder, if these guys know so much about who's gonna win and by how much, why are they writing that stuff? They ought to be making a fortune cleaning out the bookies.''

Well, we're simply providing information for the reader, who is free to make his or her own choices.

''So? That's what the local fortuneteller does. But I don't see any town passing laws where they arrest the guy who delivers the papers. And what about the stock bookies?''

What is a stock bookie?

''I guess you call 'em brokers. The phone will ring, and there's this guy telling you to take the money out from under the mattress and let him put it into some stock in a company that makes a thing for the computer that lets us make coffee and answer the phone at the same time. And if you do it, you're gonna clean up.''

That is financial advice, investment counseling.

''That's fortunetelling. And maybe you do it and the next day the Japanese say they ain't buying as many of our bonds, so everybody on Wall Street starts getting pinwheels for eyes and screaming that the sky is falling. And that computer outfit goes belly up. But that kind of fortunetelling is legal because the guy was looking in your wallet instead of at your palm or feet or coffee grounds.''

Well, maybe the ACLU will come to the aid of the fortunetellers.

''I don't think so. The fortunetellers aren't the ACLU's kind of clients.''

Why not?

''They're too normal.''

© 1996 Chicago Tribune