Winds of Change Forcing Male Golfers Out of the Woods

Web-posted: Wednesday, December 18, 1996

hat a devoted husband would spend a large sum of money to erect a gift-bathroom for his wife on a golf course could be taken as evidence that some sexist males might be correct in their belief that women were not meant to play the game.

This is a sensitive topic that is delicately sidestepped by those in the media who write and comment on golf. However, it should be addressed, since more and more females--thousands of them--are flocking to golf.

There are now golf stores that cater only to women. Many private clubs have changed their rules to permit female persons to become full-fledged members, with all the ancient and honorable privileges of lying, swearing, boozing, brooding and wearing ridiculous clothing.

But it appears that many golf courses are not prepared for this frightening invasion of females.

One of them, obviously, was the Evanston Golf Club. This is where the wife of a member complained to her husband about the lack of a bathroom on the course's back nine.

If the husband had been a purist, he might have said to his complaining spouse:

''My dear, it is your good fortune that we are financially able to belong to this very old and fine club. And, I must note, to play on a classic golf course designed by the late and revered Donald Ross, the finest architect of golf courses this country has ever known.

''Had Mr. Ross thought it necessary for there to be a lady's bathroom on the back nine of his golf course, he would have put one there. Preferably located in a place that would have attracted errant shots that would have--we can only hope--conked the well-coifed heads of complaining females who don't know how good they got it.

''But he didn't. Obviously, he did not think a lady's bathroom was essential to the creation of a fine golf course. In fact, I have scoured the writings of Donald Ross and I don't think he has ever written one word about the proper placement of lady's bathrooms. Cunningly located bunkers, yes. The devilish contour of greens, of course. But lady's bathrooms? The master was silent on the subject. So who are we to question the genius of Donald Ross?''

He would have been right. I have read the thoughts of Donald Ross and other great golf architects. And while they shared a keen attention to detail, I can't recall any of them writing even one word about lady's bathrooms. Or men's rooms, either.

That's because golf, in its early days and later, was a game played primarily by men. And because of the way nature designed us, it is not necessary, except in extreme emergencies, for male golfers to have a men's bathroom nearby.

Not so long as there is a tree, a bush, or a patch of high weeds to which a male golfer can discreetly retire for a few moments when the need arises. There are some male golfers--staunch traditionalists--who sneer at man-made bathrooms.

That is the way it has always been. And, as some stubborn men would contend, that is the way it was meant to be and should remain forever more.

But times change. Boy, do they ever. So the husband at Evanston Golf Club said none of these things. Having more money than backbone, he instead arranged with his fellow club members to have the toilet built as a birthday gift to his wife.

That took care of his problem, and that of his wife. But at other courses, it is just a sign of what the future holds.

An acquaintance of mine told me about a shocking experience he had last summer.

Out on the course on a fine day, the need arose so he went and stood behind a tree. Then, he says:

''A golf cart suddenly came out of nowhere. And two women were in it. One clapped a hand across her mouth, then pointed at me and shrieked: 'My goodness, it is a phallic symbol.'

''I was so shaken that I four-putted the next two greens. For the rest of the season, I found myself so inhibited that when I went and stood by a tree, nothing happened. I fear that I might have to consult a psychologist about this problem.''

Another friend told me that his wife took up the game and insisted that they occasionally play together. He said:

''Well, we were on this tee waiting to hit. And it seemed like a convenient moment for me to attend to my needs. So I walked to the side of the tees where there were some bushes and, with my back to my wife, went about my business.

''Then my wife said: 'What in the world are you doing.'

''I said: 'Woman, what do you think I'm doing?'

''She said: 'I can't believe this. You are exposing yourself in public. You could be arrested.'

''I said: 'Hush up, woman. This is not in public. This is a golf course, so it is perfectly appropriate.'

''For the rest of the round, she kept making tsk-tsk sounds and saying things like: 'I can't believe that I married an exhibitionist. I hope the children never find out.'

''I might sell my clubs and take up bowling.''

Well, we still have our own locker rooms. For the moment.

© 1996 Chicago Tribune