When TV News Does Weather, It Takes Idiotic to New Level

Web-posted: Friday, December 20, 1996

ook around this joint,'' Slats Grobnik said. ''What do you see?''

People. Yes, that's what they are.

''And what are they wearing?

Clothing. Do I win a prize?

''Some got on sweaters, right? Coats, hats, regular winter stuff?''

Yes, you are a keen observer. So what is your point?

''Uh-huh. And most of them look normal, right?''

Compared to what?

''I mean you don't see none of them drooling or sitting on the floor and talking like babies?''

The day is still young.

''What I'm saying is that they don't look like a bunch of idiots, do they?''

Not to the naked eye.

''Would you say that Chicago and the suburbs are a big community of idiots?''

Other than on opening day of the baseball season, no.

''So Chicagoans are not known to be any more stupid than people in other cities, right?''

I'd say so.

''Then how come the local TV stations talk to us like we're all a bunch of helpless morons?''

In what way?

''OK, what kind of weather do we have today?''

It is very cold. A biting wind.

''But it's supposed to be warm out, right? Beach weather, golf weather?''

Of course not. It is late December and this is Chicago. It is always cold and wintry in late December in Chicago.

''So do you see anybody walking around outside in T-shirts and shorts?''

Don't be ridiculous.

''See? That's what I mean. You know it is cold. I know it is cold. Everybody knows it is cold.''

Right. It is cold. It is supposed to be cold.

''OK, but I turn on the TV news and there is this guy with a microphone in his hand and he's standing out at some shopping center and he's saying that even though it is cold, people are still going out to do their shopping. Like this is some big surprise or they are swimming in the lake.''

Yes, people do shop. And they go to work. They stand at bus stops or on commuter platforms. They take out the garbage. They go on the porch to bring in the paper. They even jog or take wiggly health walks. They stroll from here to there, or there to here. Been doing it for years, as long as I can remember.

''Right. But this TV guy acts like it is really an amazing deal. I mean, not one of those people he shows us on camera is trapped in a corner, being chewed on by hungry wolves. Not one of them was walking around naked. They were all dressed real warm and walking along just like people do all the time.''

Yes, we Chicagoans are hardy, sturdy people.

''And then you know what he says? I couldn't believe it. He says he's going to give us some advice on what we should do in this weather.''

Call in sick and stay home in bed?

''No, that would have been original.''

Let me guess. Order out for some pizza and beer and have some friends over to play poker until the icicles melt.

''Great idea, but no.''

How about this: Cash in the kids' college fund, get an equity loan on the house, leave a goodbye note for the wife, buy a hairpiece, put on a gold chain, and grab the next plane for Bermuda, and sit next to the pool and buy drinks for a bimbo?

''No, that would have made it a great news show.''

So what did he say?

He said we should all dress warm if we go out.

Ah, it is the old dress-warm-when-it-is-cold trick.

''Yeah. I sat there thinking, what did we do before there was TV to help us? And you know what else he said?''

Beware of petting polar bears?

''Better'n that. He said that if we go outside, we should be careful about our skin getting numb or turning unusual colors.''

Very good advice. One should always take note if your nose turns deep blue and falls off. Pick it up, pop it into your pocket and go see your physician to get it reattached. And try not to sneeze.

''So after I watch that, I start thinking about the way they are going to rate TV shows so we can keep the kids from accidentally watching the kind of kinky stuff the rest of us like. And I'm wondering why they can't put some kind of warning on news shows.''

Because news shows are a special category and it is assumed that news directors have the judgment and maturity and professionalism to avoid putting trash on the air.

''But why can't they put a rating on the different items. Like rating something 'M,' which would mean: The next news item contains material that is moronic. Or an 'I' for idiotic.''

You can't do that with news shows. That would be something more appropriate for Beavis and Butt-head.

''There's a difference?''

© 1996 Chicago Tribune