Subject: ACTUAL PERSONALS WHICH APPEARED IN ISRAELI PAPERS
 Author:  DAVE CHARLESTON at SSO-MECH
 Date:    6/4/98 10:18 AM
      
  Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, 
  Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah 
  B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz.  Seeks companion for 
  living life in the "fast" lane.
      
  Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos.  
  Seeks same in woman.
      
  Desparately seeking shmoozing!  Retired senior citizen 
  desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, 
  and krechtzing.  Under 30 is also OK.
      
  Shul gabbai, 36.  I take out the Torah Saturday morning. 
  Would like to take you out Saturday night.  Please write.
      
  Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks 
  successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my 
  parents' house.
      
  Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, 
  light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah 
  together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs.  Religion not 
  important.
      
  Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
      
  Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
      
  Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul 
  last week?  You excused yourself to get more horseradish 
  for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I 
  contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain 
  on my tie).
      
  Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't 
  believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks 
  glatt kosher maydl for marriage.
      
  Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of 
  dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
      
  Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who 
  will accept my independence, although you probably will not. 
  Oh, just forget it.
      
  Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, 
  Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. 
  Seeks non-smoker.
      
  Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. 
  Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?
      
  80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile 
  Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, 
  can't I?
      
  I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your 
  heart to.  Share your innermost thoughts and deepest 
  secrets.  Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. 
  No fatties, please.
      
  Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, 
  self-made.  Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
      
  Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, 
  skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
      
  Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of 
  any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties.
      
  I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox 
  from birth. Seeking same.
      
  Orthodox woman with gelt, seeks man who got get, or can get 
  get.  Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
      
  Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, 
  squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a 
  must.

The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
child, was propounded to me by my father:
        "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
whistles?"
        I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
gave up.
        "A herring," said my father.
        "A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
        "So hang it there."
        "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
        "Paint it."
        "But a herring isn't wet."
        "If its just painted its still wet."
        "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
doesn't whistle!!"
        "Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make it
hard."
                -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"