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THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40
1. Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are
likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run
into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask,
"Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you
as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn
the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex
but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other
peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the
neighbours don't even realise it.
13. You no longer think of speed
limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in,
no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate
meteorologists than the national
weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your
friends because they can't
remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is
finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Chapter 2: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover,
the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.
Chapter 3: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system
at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of
buying a wood stove, he is using you
to heat the family room this winter.
Rather than just saying you are not
amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes
with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out
the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four
hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after
every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you
take your Brownie troop on a field trip
to Chippendale's.
Chapter 4: SIGNS OF WEAR "OLD" IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs
and make love", and you answer, "Pick one,
I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and
your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles
out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the
doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN...
"Getting a little action" means I don't
need to take any fibre today.
"OLD" IS WHEN...
"Getting lucky" means you find your car
in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN...
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
BACK!
BACK HOME!
Email:
clemieux3@cogeco.ca
