Jack Can't Cook

Jack can’t cook, Jack can’t cook
Jack can’t cook, Jack can’t cook
you can’t judge a story by the cover of a book
so don’t just Jack, 'cause Jack can’t cook

jack can’t cook, so be built himself a diner where no one in
the neighborhood thought it ought to be
packs chant “crook,” so they built themselves a dummy
of hungry old jack burnin up in effigy

jack hates kids, so he married him a granny who jack knew
wouldn’t have the land for his seed but jack thought wrong,
and the granny had a baby and the baby looked a lot like
jack indeed

jack left home, for a younger Venezuelan who made a lot of
showings, except in jack’s bed. had old jack been henry the
eighth then maybe anne boleyn just might have kept her head

Chorus

it ain’t no thing if your plate is full
so why not send jack to culinary school

jack can’t count, but his son was an accountant who
counted on being named the heir to jack’s throne but he lost
out to his younger brother who couldn’t count either had the
elder only known

jack can’t stand the drive to his kitchen so he ordered it
moved into his backyard. now jack can’t stand the noise and
the bitchin’ cuz it’s near, ain’t life hard

jack only has a name for his diner and wouldn’t you know it,
it’s after himself. jack only has a model for his diner next to
the urn on his living room shelf. now honest abe has a key
to the city and hungry old jack has a lot of self pity.

Chorus