Author's Note: I'd like to thank the gracious folks who wrote "The Complete Rhyming Dictionary," without whom this wouldn't have been possible. Happy Valentine's Day!

‘Twas Valentine’s Day, and all through the loft,
Brian was whining, “My dick has gone soft!”
Justin had vanished, nowhere to be found
Leaving Brian frustrated with no one around.

“That’s it,” he decided, “this simply won’t do.
There’s hundreds of others as sexy as you.”
So he hopped in the shower and lathered with care,
Then he shaved off his stubble and sculpted his hair.

He put on his shiniest form-fitting shirt
(There’s nothing too flashy for this big a flirt).
He added the pants made of fine Gucci leather,
Then slid on his Ray-Bans to pull it together.

He dashed to the stairs and began his descent
Giving barely a thought to where Justin had went.
Then he hopped in the Jeep and he revved it up loud,
And he headed to scout out the Babylon crowd.

Arriving, the man was delighted to see
That the boys in the bar were as buff as could be.
His eyes scanned the room, he was taking his pick.
Who’d be so lucky to be his next trick?

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” came a sing-songy voice.
“It’s time to get freaky! It’s time to rejoice!”
“Hello Emmet,” came Brian’s impatient reply.
He went to the bar and he ordered straight rye.

“Why the long face?” said his flamboyant chum,
Wearing hot pants so short you could see up his bum.
Brian said nothing and frowned in despair,
For his blond little twinkie was clearly not there.

“That’s not all that’s long,” Brian quipped in at last.
Emmet just rolled his eyes. The moment had passed.
Then a thong-wearing queen came and gave Em the eye,
And he raised up his glass as he shouted, “Goodbye.”

Now Brian was pissed, ‘cause he didn’t get any.
Not one man was hot enough out of the many.
He wanted his boy for some Valentine jaunts
And as everyone knows, Brian gets what he wants.

Back at the diner, now who should we find?
Why, it’s Michael and Ted getting sloshed out of mind.
Mikey was bitching that he was alone
As Ted complimented his CK cologne.

For Ted was enamored of our little friend,
Though we know it’ll never work out in the end.
And though it’s been years and we know there’s no way,
Poor ol’ Mikey’s still hard over Brian today.

When the clock struck eleven, the two boys were done.
They had both passed out drunk and would miss all the fun.
Debbie called them some cabs as she cleverly drawls,
“It’s just about time that those men grew some balls.”

Now just where was Justin while all this went on?
Why, the boy made a trip to the beauty salon.
He got all dolled up to give Brian a kick
He even bought ribbons to tie ‘round his dick.

But the cab that he’d taken had run out of gas
(If you ask me, the cabbie just wanted some ass).
When Justin got home, he was saddened to see
That Brian was gone. “He went out without me?”

Now he had been told that they weren’t official
But he knew that Bri’s coldness was just superficial.
He wouldn’t have left him on Valentine’s Day.
“He isn’t that heartless, there just is no way!”

So with nothing to do but sit back and wait,
Justin cleaned the apartment and made it look great.
He lit up some candles and poured some champagne,
With anticipation he could hardly contain.

You won’t believe this, but no word of a lie,
Mighty Brian struck out with each chosen guy!
He tried and he tried, but nothing went right
It should have been Justin he scored with tonight.

Admitting defeat, Brian headed for home
Wond’ring what he had done to cause Justin to roam.
As he mounted the stairs and he opened the lock,
His jaw fell to the ground and he froze up with shock.

For there was his Justin, at home all along.
Standing naked before him and playing their song.
There were candles and flowers and candy and more,
But greatest of all, there was Justin galore!

Brian ran to his lover and gave him a squeeze.
“Next time you go out, would you just warn me please?”
He did not say a word about what he had thought,
And when Justin was finished, I think he forgot.

There must be a moral, although it’s not clear.
“Don’t trust a gay cabbie that knows you are queer?”
The real message is, whether you’re straight or gay,
It's good to be Randy on Valentine’s Day.

end