~April 20, 1991 1:24pm~

"Kinney...Kinney." The man slammed a fist against the door and it shook on its hinges. "You shit, you open this fucking door." Now the man punctuated his yelling by kicking at the thin sheet of wood.

Brian grimaced at the sudden noise and tried to turn away from the light that was streaming through the thin curtains above the bed. He'd been up late the night before finishing a paper and he'd sacrificed much needed sleep by drinking at a bar till closing. To say he was in deep shit where this particular visitor was concerned would have been an understatement.

"If I have to go back downstairs and get my set of keys for this lock, you're sleeping on the fucking street tonight." From the increased volume of the man's voice, Brian could tell that he was throwing all his rage into that threat.

"Hold your fucking horses." Brian opened his eyes and got half way through the word 'horses' before the flash of light from the room around him and the flash of pain at his temples silenced him. Last night he'd told the bartender to do his worst and the man had certainly lived up to Brian's request.

"All I want to be holding is your goddamned rent. You better open this door and hand it to me or I'm changing the lock. You've had your warnings. We ain't doing this dance again." Another kick to the door and the man fell silent.

Brian had been rummaging in his coat pockets for money that he knew wasn't there. There was no way that he'd find the two-hundred and fifty bucks he'd need under the cushions of the rat's nest that passed its time as a couch in the corner of the room. He'd thought about how to stall for time and he was regretting having let the man know he was in the apartment in the first place.

Brian crossed the room towards the door and pulled it open. He met the man's blood-shot gaze. "I told you that I'd have the money at the end of the day. It's one-thirty and you're early."

"We're not negotiating here Kinney. Your rent is due at the end of the month. That was five fucking days ago. You think there aren't plenty of you Penn assholes looking for a cheap place. I kick your ass out of here now and I have this hole rented within the hour."

"The end of the day." Brian spoke firmly. "That's what you agreed to, that's what I'll do." Brian eyed the man for his reaction. He was having a lot of trouble staying on his feet but the last thing you did with an asshole like this was show weakness. The fat-fuck had been on his ass from day one, correction, after his ass, and having shot him down for living in a Fantasyland, Brian had been ensured that these living arrangements wouldn't go smoothly.

"You've made me track up and down these fucking stairs three times this week already. I'll come up here one more time at six and I'm bringing my tool belt. If you don't have the rent then don't waste my time. Just have your shit out of here so that I can change the lock." The man spat his words at Brian's face before turning and lumbering off down the stairs. Brian watched his dough-ass disappear around the bend of the stairwell before closing the door.

He'd turned to face the space of the room behind him. The place was a shit hole. No more. No less.

Brian walked around the bed to the alcove that hid the chipped counter of the kitchen area. He'd turned towards the humming refrigerator in hopes of finding something that would be able to settle his stomach. The combination of the baking soda and the lemons that greeted him sounded closer to something that would create an eruption as opposed to having a calming effect. Brian passed up this offering by closing the fridge.

He'd run a hand through the thick mop of hair that fell into his eyes before turning to survey the space again. The flashing digital display of the clock by the bed heralded a clear warning. He had less than five hours to come up with his rent or he'd need to find some place else to crash. Brian swallowed the scratching feeling at the back of his throat and smiled bitterly. Asshole Frank had been right about being able to rent the place if he didn't come up with the rent. Although this closet with a sink was cold in the winter, sweltering in the summer and smelled of mould, there would be a line up to rent it before nightfall. Brian's problem hadn't been the roaches or the paper-thin walls. It had been simply figuring out a way to make enough money to pay for school, eat, drink and pay his fucking rent.

He stripped out of his boxers and grabbed the towel on the headboard. He hadn't thought moving out of his parents' house would be easy but he'd been pretty damned sure that he would either kill himself or kill his parents if he didn't get out of Kinney land as soon as possible. Brian had never relished the thought of having to ask Jack for help and he figured that if he saw his mother while the man was still at work, he'd be able to get some money and be out of there before his father stumbled back home.

Brian turned up the lukewarm water of the shower and stepped under the spray. Asking his mother for money instead of Jack wouldn't be a picnic. Even though he'd have to endure her preaching and her put-downs, as far as Brian was concerned the bottom line was that he needed rent money. The bottom line was that spending twenty minutes or so under his parents' loving roof would buy him a whole month of peace and quiet from fat Frank.

Brian had always been a realist and he'd always done what he needed to.

~April 20, 1991 2:49pm~

"You think we're fucking made of money huh?" The combination of Jack Kinney staggering along with his favorite bottle of rye in the middle of an afternoon and hearing the man's slurred words was becoming more and more of a common sight.

When Brian had decided to make this trip home, he hadn't been banking on his father being too drunk to go to work that morning or the fact that the man would decide to spend the day finishing off the bottles in his liquor cabinet. "I said I'd give you back every penny." Brian leaned a shoulder against the doorframe and watched as his father dropped himself on to the couch.

"Now if you would' a done what I told you to do, you wouldn't be in this mess now." Jack waved a hand in Brian's direction. The man was having difficulty focusing on his son's face. "But no. Mr. High n' Mighty is too fucking good to do what his old man did. Too fucking good to go find a job and pay his own goddamned bills." Jack finished this comment with a phlegm-coated laugh. "I told you to find yourself a trade. Books don't pay your rent. Books don't feed your scrawny ass. But no, you wouldn't listen and now would you looky who's come crawlin' looking for hand-outs." The man lifted his bottle to his lips again.

Brian tried to swallow the rage that was building inside him. He hadn't come here to beg this man for money and the thought of standing around and listening to more of his insults was starting to sound worse than sleeping in the park.

Brian had spent nearly every waking minute of the last month either in the library or working. He'd managed to cover his tuition for the term and he'd bought all his books on his own. He'd figured that if he could dodge Frank till he got paid at the grocer's he'd have enough for rent and he'd steal whatever food he'd need. Four days short of his next paycheck, all he needed from his father was a short-term loan and he'd be on his way.

"You've always been bleeding me, you know that?" The man considered Brian as he spoke. "Never could keep my hard earned money in my pocket because of you. A man spends days working and when it comes time to relax, you kids would come up with some other shit that I needed to spend my money on. But not anymore asshole. You're a big man now." Jack laughed as he turned his attention back towards his television. "Big man." Jack coughed the words derisively as he dismissed Brian completely.

Brian listened until the man was finished his laughing. "Fuck you."

He'd been halfway down the driveway when his mother called to him from a window upstairs. "Come around back Brian." The woman dropped the curtains and disappeared into the darkness of the house again.

"It's not much. So you'll have to find someplace else to come up with the rest." Joan spoke curtly as she handed Brian two neatly folded fifty-dollar bills. He'd been considering whether he needed to hug or kiss her to say thank you when she simply stepped back inside the house and closed the door. Brian swallowed hard as he kicked the garden hose out from under his boot and made his way back to the front of the house.

He'd have her money back to her before the weekend.

~April 20, 2002 3:18am~

Brian's fingers froze above the keyboard as he listened to the key turning in the lock behind him. He'd been vaguely aware of the fact that he was waiting up for Justin but the reality of his actions hit him like a ton of bricks as Justin spoke up.

"You're still up?"

"I'm doing my homework." Brian grabbed for the mouse and highlighted and erased the gibberish that he'd typed in the last few seconds. "It's late." He'd regretted the way these words sounded in the nanoseconds since they'd left his lips.

"I had to talk to the boss." Justin tried to keep his voice steady as he spoke.

"Hmm mmm." Brian dropped his eyes slightly. He wasn't new to this game. He'd been around the clubs long enough and taken enough dancers home after closing to be pretty sure of why Justin was late. Brian hadn't been able to manage words in answer to Justin's statement.

"He said I could dance on the bar." Justin offered his words somewhat triumphantly. He was pretty sure that as soon as he got out of these clothes and took a shower he'd feel a lot more triumphant about his step up.

"After only one night?" Brian's suspicions were confirmed. He'd been drifting between listening to the answer Justin would offer him and deciding what name he could give to the feeling that had just come over him.

"I told you I could take care of myself." Justin crossed the room towards Brian and leaned in for a quick kiss. Brian took note of the lightness of the connection and he accepted what it was that Justin was trying to convey. On some level or the other Justin had wanted to be sure that Brian knew that what he'd done tonight hadn't involved kissing on the lips.

Brian smiled a little as Justin pulled away. He hadn't smiled because he'd been relieved about the kissing. He'd done it because he sensed that Justin needed him to say it was okay. Justin wanted him to know that he'd made sure not to break their rules this time and as far as Justin was concerned, if he could live with what he'd done, then there was no reason why this would affect Brian too.

Brian watched him climb the steps of the bedroom and he watched as Justin turned to look at him. "Yeah. I guess you can." Brian dropped his eyes away from Justin's face and back to his computer screen. For some reason or another he was having real trouble looking at the younger man right now. Brian took a deep breath and finally focused on the words on the screen again. He'd typed Justin's name twice already and he moved the cursor to the end of the sentence before holding a finger over the backspace button. "Did you fuck?"

"What?" Justin turned a stunned expression in Brian's direction. He'd been undressing when Brian finally spoke up again.

"You heard me. Dancing for tips? Did you need to fuck as your deposit for that promotion?"

"It's not like that...at least, you don't have to make it sound like that." Justin tossed his shirt on to the bed before turning to look at Brian again. "Like you said. It's just sex. It doesn't mean shit." Justin turned his back to the other man and crossed the space to the bathroom. He'd been gone all of ten seconds before walking naked back into the bedroom. "Where do you get off acting like I did something wrong? You can't sit there and tell me you've never done anything like this." Justin stood his ground. He'd resigned himself to what he thought he had to do and the last thing he needed in trying to make peace with all this was hypocrisy from Brian.

Brian considered his words for a few moments before lifting his eyes to glance at Justin's face. "The fact is that you didn't need to do this." Brian spoke his words in a low steady voice.

"I needed to do this on my own Brian and I got it done. Just leave it alone, okay?" Justin stood and waited.

Brian had simply raised his eyes to Justin again before dropping them abruptly. This small gesture was enough to confirm that he was the last person on earth who felt it necessary to throw stones in this situation let alone had any right to judge Justin for this decision.

"I didn't fuck him. He sucked me off and then I returned the favor. If that helps you any?" Justin spoke quietly as he turned away and went back into the bathroom.

He'd turned up the spray and stepped into the steam that billowed out of the shower enclosure. Some things could wash off and some things could not. Justin was determined to wash off this night and he hoped that Brian would let him do it.

Brian shut down his computer and stood to stretch his legs. There was something about the way Justin had summed up his last comment that was bothering Brian very much. As far as Justin was concerned, Brian had no reason to think that 'his merchandise' had been devalued based on tonight's excursions. As long as Gary hadn't fucked him, then the man hadn't done anything that Brian could object to. Justin had sold something of himself tonight but as far as he was concerned, he'd made sure to keep Brian's lion share untouched.

Brian didn't like the taste these thoughts left in his mouth. He wasn't on par with Justin's boss. He didn't do things for Justin that required payment in kind and he didn't like to think that on some level Justin might see it like that.

What did you mean by what you said? 'If that helps me any?'" Brian had made his way into the bathroom and was leaning against the sink now.

"Just that it wasn't a big deal. Brian can we just forget about this." Justin turned to eye the man through the fogged glass.

"Forgotten." Brian held Justin's gaze for a few more seconds before dropping his eyes. He turned his back towards Justin in an attempt to forget his personal line of thinking as well. He reached for his toothbrush by the sink, brushed quickly and retreated without casting another glance in Justin's direction. "Turn out the lights when you're coming to bed."

Brian pulled his shirt over his head as he left the room.

~April 20, 1991 3:30pm~

"You don't have any money at all?" Brian stubbed out his cigarette under his boot as Lindsay stood aside in the doorway.

"I've fucking well got fifty-bucks Brian. That's all I've got and you're welcome to it. But like I said over the phone I don't have another cent. You know how my parents are. Lynette gets the all-expense paid vacations for making straight "Cs" in college and I get just the bare essentials." Lindsay closed the door behind them and followed Brian into the small house. She shared this place with four other girls and besides paying for her tuition, books, food and rent directly, Nancy and Ronnie handed her an allowance of one hundred dollars a month. "They fucking well feed me but anything else is up to me and they won't let me take a part-time job till senior year."

"At least they give a shit about whether or not you eat." Brian threw himself on to Lindsay's couch and thought about how he was going to come up with the one hundred he was still short by.

"You're cute enough, you could always sell 'it' to some rich old geezer?" Lindsay was just trying to lighten the mood as she plopped down next to the person who'd become her best friend over the last two years.

"Fuck off." Brian had managed a small smile as he spoke.

"I don't know. How much do you still need?" Lindsay turned to address him.

"One hundred." Brian reached into the pocket of his leather jacket for another cigarette and Lindsay grabbed his arm before he could light it.

"You know you can't smoke in here. Plus, where'd you get money to buy cigs?" She was still holding Brian's arm down as she spoke.

"Who said I bought them?" Brian dropped his eyes away from her knowing look and turned to face forward again. Lindsay had been close enough to him to know exactly how he got by and she'd done her best to help him out when she could. She'd actually spotted him money before and turned to borrowing from other friends if she needed anything. A few years later they'd even been able to tell a group of their friends about the time that she'd snuck him into her room and had him living there under the noses of her roommates for a whole week when he was first looking for a place of his own.

Brian reached for Lindsay's hand absently as he racked his brain for a favor that he could call in. "Don't worry about it. I know where I can get the rest of the money." Brian's jaw tensed as he continued to focus on the far wall. He'd squeezed at Lindsay's hand and stood up before watching her disappear into her bedroom.

Lindsay had returned a few minutes later with some bills and small change. "There's fifty-one dollars and eighty-four cents here." She looked up at him and smiled. "You aren't mad that I was holding out on you by a dollar eighty-four are you?"

Brian huffed a laugh before pulling her close. "Thanks for this. I'll pay you back when I can." Brian slipped a cigarette between his lips and pulled the door open. He'd stepped into the sunlight dreading his next stop.

~April 20, 2002 3:43am~

"You still awake?" Justin eased up beside Brian's body. He'd dried off and shut off the lights in the rest of the loft before slipping into the bed beside Brian.

"Yeah." Brian shifted slightly so that he could lean back against the body behind him. "What's wrong?"

"You understand about tonight, right?" Justin traced a palm over the skin of Brian's back and waited.

"I thought you wanted to forget about it." Brian rubbed a hand over his face and opened his eyes.

"I do, but I wanna make sure that you understand. I figured that if anybody would understand it would be you. I mean...you do what it takes, period. No regrets, right?"

He'd listened to Justin's words before closing his eyes again. "No regrets, Justin."

Brian felt Justin close a hand over his hip and he let out a long breath. He was all too familiar with Justin's predicament and he'd come face to face with his own indecent proposals thousands of times over the years. The difference between his reality now and his reality when he'd been Justin's age was that now he didn't need what these men had to offer. He didn't need their money to eat and he didn't need their money to survive. He'd kicked Telson's ass to the curb after figuring that detail out for himself.

Justin was in a different place. As far as he was concerned, he needed to pay for college and he needed to pay for it himself.

Brian was worried about what it was that he'd done to make this man so determined not to accept any more 'charity' from him. He wondered about the part of his lesson to Justin that had been so effective as to convince the person who was practically his lover that self-sufficiency was the only way to gain his respect.

Brian almost laughed out loud at his own thoughts. He knew precisely what lesson it was that had managed to convince Justin of that fact. It had been the single overarching message that Brian had drilled into Justin's head from day one. He'd drilled Justin with the fact that he Brian didn't owe anybody anything. He had no responsibilities to anyone besides himself and Justin had to learn that Justin was the only person he could count on.

Brian had drilled Justin with these rules but all along he'd assumed the other man had read the hidden concessions and exceptions that he'd demonstrated with their friends. Brian thought he'd managed to show Justin that when push came to shove there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for them. While Justin's comment earlier that week about the fact that Brian would do anything for him showed that Justin's head had gotten that indirect message, his determination to do this on his own had been evidence enough that he still saw limits on what he could ask Brian for.

Brian turned on to his back as he heard that familiar change in Justin's breathing. The other man was asleep and Brian would spend what was left of this night staring at the beam work in the ceiling.

Justin was too determined to stand on his own two feet and having been there himself, Brian knew what Justin was up against if he decided to really go this alone. He was worried about how much Justin would give up of himself to get what he wanted and how much it would take for Justin to realize he needed to accept help from a man who didn't want anything in return.

~April 20, 1991 4:07pm~

"Can I talk to you?" Brian pushed open the door to the smoky office. The man behind the desk looked up at him from over the top of his glasses.

"What is it?" The man was in his mid-thirties at least and had thinning blond hair. From what Brian knew of him he was married with four kids and had a flea-infested dog that he sometimes brought with him to the grocery store. Brian had wrestled any number of meat packages away from that dog while working in the warehouse behind the store.

"I need to get an advance on my next check." Brian closed the door behind him as he spoke.

"And I need my wife to fall off a steep cliff. Maybe we'll both get what we want if we wish really hard." The man waved Brian off dismissively and went back to concentrating on his books.

"Look you're gonna pay me Thursday anyway. I just need it four days sooner." Brian stood before the paper and food-strewn desk that the man worked behind.

"You fucking well know that it doesn't work like that. You get paid when it's payday like every one of these other slobs." The man pushed his glasses back up on the bridge of his nose and eyed Brian suspiciously. "What'd you do? Forget to pay your pusher? Need money to save that pretty little ass?" The man grinned as he reached for his coffee cup and Brian cursed under his breath. "Now, now. That's no way to ask for a favor Brian."

"What will it take?" Brian pulled his hands out of his pockets for this face off with the man.

"You know what it'll take. I thought I made myself pretty clear. In fact I'd say I was down right generous. You wouldn't even need that advance on your pay. Five hundred free and clear." The man sat back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest.

"Fine." Brian swallowed hard. "Set it up, but I need the money now." Brian stepped towards the desk.

"I'm not giving you five hundred for nothing. You'll get your money when we're done." The man smiled slowly. "But contrary to popular belief Brian I'm not an asshole. I'll give you..." He turned to retrieve the cash box that he kept in the drawer beside him. "...I'll give you a hundred and fifty as a down payment, you get the rest when we're done."

Brian reached forward to take the cash from the outstretched hand. He'd met with some resistance when he tried to pull the money from the man's fingers and he'd lifted his eyes to meet the man's face again.

"Come back here at ten." The man released his grip on the money and watched for Brian's reaction. "You don't show up, I want my money back and you can kiss this job goodbye."

Brian hadn't said anything. He slipped the rest of his rent money into his jacket and left the way he'd come.

~April 20, 1991 11:52pm~

Brian stepped under the spray and ran a hand over his face as the water beat down on the crown of his head. He'd put the cash away in the back of the closet after getting out of there as soon as they were done and now he planned on staying in here until the water was too cold for him to stand it any more. He planned on getting into bed and forgetting about what would be for the longest time, one of the worst days of his life.

Brian had gotten back to the store at just after ten and he'd made his way to the basement and to the dank office he'd been in only a few hours before. He'd considered not going and he'd dismissed that thought easily. He always did what he needed to. This situation wasn't any more complicated than that.

Brian opened the door and stepped inside the room having turned to face the tall stranger who he figured was paying for this. Just beside the door to the office, his boss had taken up residence in an overstuffed armchair that had seen more than its share of wear.

"You must be Brian." The stranger stepped forward and Brian eyed him dangerously. "I'm ...".

Brian cut the man off before he could finish his sentence. "I don't need to know your name." He'd spoken as he took a step towards the man and shrugged off his jacket. "Let's do this so that I can get out of here. Do you have the rest of my money?" Brian watched as the man reached into his pocket to pull out the roll of money. He'd counted it quickly before zipping it into the inside pocket of his jacket and turning to face the man again.

"Take off your clothes. I wanna see what I'm paying for."

"That sick fuck gonna watch the entire thing?" Brian had addressed the stranger as he spoke in reference to his boss who still sat in the armchair on the other side of the small room.

"This sick fuck takes his commission payments both in cash and in kind Brian. I didn't want a money commission for this one. Watching this will be more than enough." The man in the armchair lit a cigarette and blew a puff of smoke in Brian's direction.

Brian turned his attention back towards the stranger and pulled his t-shirt over his head. He'd moved his hands to the zipper of his jeans, toed off his boots and slipped the pants over his hips quickly. The man in front of him had taken a step or two closer before reaching around to close his hands over Brian's ass.

He'd run his hand up Brian's back before reaching his shoulders and pressing on them heavily. That signal understood, Brian moved to his knees as the man above him undid his belt and the snaps on his pants. "Make it good kid." The man spoke as he lifted his heavy cock towards Brian's face. The situation alone was enough to make Brian want to gag.

Ten minutes later this trick was hard and panting and Brian was within a hair's breadth of losing his lunch.

"Turn around." The man's vodka slicked breath washed over Brian's face as he pulled him up. The stranger had turned to look at the man in the armchair before addressing him angrily. "Why don't you clear some of this shit off the desk so I can have some room to do this?" Brian felt it when the man punctuated his comment by squeezing his ass.

"I don't bottom." Brian stepped back out of the man's grip. "Somebody should have told you that." Brian had turned to eye his boss angrily. When the man had first proposed this arrangement some months ago Brian had made it clear that nobody fucked him and then secondly, had told his boss to go fuck himself. It would seem that that part of his message had gone astray.

"What am I paying five hundred for then? I don't want a hand job or a blowjob kid. I paid for a fuck and a fuck is what I'm gonna get." The man stepped towards Brian again.

"If anybody's fucking it's me. That's the deal. Take it or leave it and you can have your fucking money back." Brian stood eye to eye with the man.

"What're you sniffin' kid? You expect me to walk out of here like this?" The man glanced down at his rigid erection before finding Brian's face again.

"That's your fucking problem not mine." Brian had turned to grab for his jeans and he'd been blindsided as the man's fist found his face. He'd found himself pushed towards the desk and pinned down with the man's weight behind him. Somewhere in the fog of feeling the ledger books pressing into his chest and trying to figure out what had happened, Brian recognized the weight on the backs of his shoulders for what it was. It would seem that his boss had simply disregarded his statement about bottoming and it would seem that the man had planned on taking a more active role in these events all along. He was now lending his assistance by using his arms and body to hold Brian down face-first on the desk.

"Hold him still dammit." The stranger growled somewhere behind Brian as the unwilling member of this trio started to come around.

"Get the fuck off me." Brian bucked upwards with all his strength as he attempted to dislodge both of these men. His hands were trapped under his own body and under his boss's body as the man lay sideways across his back. There was no question about the fact that he'd made a massive mistake in coming here tonight and his options for getting away before this man was done with him were fast disappearing. He'd been doing his best to get the one man off his upper body and he'd been doing his best not to let the other get too close to his lower body.

"I paid for this you little asshole and I'm gonna get what I paid for. You fuckin' whores always get suddenly virginal when things don't go your way." The man pushed himself between Brian's legs and reached up to drop a hand on the back of Brian's neck. This added weight made it so that he couldn't move his head.

~April 20, 2002 5:34am~

Brian turned on to his side and faced the sleeping body beside him. Justin hadn't stirred at all since falling asleep and Brian had passed much of the time by watching him. Every now and then he'd reached out to touch Justin, seemingly to confirm that he was actually there and that this reality wasn't a dream. Brian had been lost in his own thoughts for the last few hours and now he was unconsciously reaching for Justin again. He'd eased his body up close to Justin's and pressed his forehead to Justin's. He could smell shampoo and soap and it was obvious that Justin had been thorough with tonight's washing.

Brian wondered if Justin felt clean. He'd learned all too well that some things didn't wash off.

There was something to be said for living and making your own mistakes, but there were definitely some things that should never have been lived and some mistakes that should never be lived again.

Now he recognized the feeling that had come over him when Justin came home a few hours before. He'd been reliving the way he'd felt going into that little late night transaction so many years before. Just like Justin had tonight, he'd believed he could handle it right up until the moment the tables were turned on him. Justin hadn't gotten hurt tonight and Brian rolled his lips into his mouth as he tried to figure out how to walk that thin line between allowing Justin to find his own path and preventing him from walking down the same path that Brian had been given.

Brian had told Justin not to come crying to him when he succeeded and Brian was entirely confident that Justin would in fact succeed. What he wasn't entirely confident about was the fact that Justin wouldn't come crying to him for some other reason as well. There were bound to be some stumbling blocks and life lessons to be learned on his road to success.

Brian would have to figure out how much of it he could let Justin repeat.