Like the First Time

by Lane Carson

"Brian, what's happening?" Debbie mouthed her words from where she stood just a few feet from the steps to the porch. She'd seen when Justin staggered to find his grip on the doorframe and she'd watched as Brian moved out of his spot to cross the distance towards Justin within a matter of a nanosecond.

Brian had barely managed to keep them both standing as Justin dropped all his weight against Brian's body. Justin almost fainted and even as he reached for Brian to steady himself, Brian could still feel the tension in Justin's body and feel him trying to keep a certain distance between them. Justin had reached around to hold on tight to him while at the same time flattening a palm against Brian's chest.

Debbie started to move towards the steps and Brian released his hold on Justin's arm in order to ward her off. He could feel Justin's hitched breath and he could hear the small sobs coming from him. The last thing that Justin needed right now was more attention. Brian took a few shuffling steps backwards into the house and pulled Justin along with him.

"Can we please go?" Justin sat at the foot of the stairs and cradled his face in his hands. He looked up at Brian when the other man didn't respond and found Brian staring at him intently.

"You want something to drink? Maybe..." Brian was patting his pockets for something and Justin already knew what he was looking for. He watched as Brian produced the small pill bottle, expertly removing the lid and shaking a capsule out on to his palm. "...You should take one of these."

"I don't want a pill. I just wanna lie down." Although he hadn't witnessed it first hand, he'd figured that along with turning him over to the man, his mother had apprised Brian as to all his medication needs. Her instructions had no doubt only served to reinforce Brian's already healthy belief that there wasn't any emotional onslaught that the right prescription and the right dosage couldn't get rid of.

Brian dropped the little capsule back into the bottle and watched Justin closely. "What just happened?"

Justin lowered his eyes before responding. "I remember something."

Brian leaned back against the wall of the entryway and studied the small prescription bottle in his hands. He'd been trying everything he could think of the make Justin remember and to make him react but Brian had still been skeptical of the impact that it would actually have on Justin. In fact, he'd been worried about the impact that it would have on them both.

"Can we just go?" Justin was unconsciously using his left hand to rub over the fingers of his right hand. It was something Brian had noticed him doing in the last few days and Brian watched him for a few more seconds before straightening up and reaching his own hand out for Justin to take.

"Is everything alright?" Lindsay looked back and forth between the two men standing in her front hallway.

Justin smiled nervously and reached for the banister to pull himself up. Lindsay was a natural mother and he was afraid that she would figure out that things were less than alright and then try to comfort him or touch him. He'd been about to retreat by taking another step up the stairs when Brian came to his rescue for about the seventieth time since they'd seen each other again at Woody's.

Brian did what he did very casually and unless you were familiar with the dynamics of the situation, there was no way that you could have been suspicious of his movements. He took one step across the hallway and turned to face Lindsay as he did it. The movement looked like he'd just been turning around to respond to Lindsay's question but both Lindsay and Justin saw it for its true intention. Brian now stood between them both and in this new position he'd once again made his body a fortress to protect Justin from dangerous invaders.

"We're gonna get outta here. Enough partying for one day." Brian leaned an arm against the banister and closed off the last point of weakness in his fort.

"You are getting over the hill Brian. It's Saturday at four in the afternoon and you're already partied out for the day?" She was playing along beautifully. She'd even managed to fight the urge to look at Justin while she spoke and both men thanked her silently for knowing exactly what they needed her to do. "I'll see you both later then." Lindsay stood aside to let them pass and she watched as Brian half-turned to let Justin out the door first. Brian had continued to run interference even as they moved back outside and through the small crowd.

---

Brian lifted the gate to the elevator and watched as Justin stepped inside. Justin instinctively moved towards the corner of the car and backed himself into it. Brian took note of yet another change in his behavior since the party. Sure Justin had been as skittish as a small animal in the last few days but Brian thought that it had gotten just a little worse now that he remembered something of what had happened. Brian hit the button for his floor and pried his eyes from Justin's face when he realized it was only serving to make the younger man more nervous.

"You want me to leave for a little while?" Brian addressed his question to what he could see of Justin's reflection in the control panel on the front wall of the car.

"No." Justin didn't respond for what Brian thought was a really long time and when he finally did he'd spoken so quietly that Brian had barely heard him over the low whine of the mechanisms above them.

Neither of them spoke for the next minute or two as Brian fought the urge to turn around.

They were here now and Brian pulled the door up and waited for Justin to move out from behind him. 'Shit,' Brian's thoughts raced as he found the right key and slid the door to the loft open. He'd wanted so badly for Justin to remember but now he couldn't understand what had made that prospect seem like the answer to their problems.

Brian watched as Justin slowly crossed the space to the living area. Justin had buried both hands in his pockets as he studied the couch. He'd been nervously trying to decide whether to sit down or to run for the nearest corner.

"You sure you don't want me to leave?" Brian studied the keys in his hands as he waited for Justin to answer him.

Justin turned around to look at him. "You wanna leave?"

Brian glanced up and dropped his eyes before he spoke up again. "Do you want something to eat? We still have more of that stuff Debbie sent over." He'd unconsciously taken a step towards Justin and he froze as he watched Justin take one step back to compensate for the closing distance.

"No, I'm not really hungry." Justin took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. He knew that Brian had seen him step back. Whereas Brian had always managed to hide his emotions, now Justin could read the raw pain that he was causing Brian all over the man's face.

Brian bit on to his back teeth and rolled his lips into his mouth before whispering his next few words. "Do you want to...talk about it or anything?"

"No." Justin shook his head forcefully and took a few more steps back and away. "I'm just gonna go lie down." He stopped looking at Brian when the other man closed his eyes for a little bit before turning away towards the kitchen.

---

"Yeah." Brian grabbed the phone on the first ring and looked up to see whether it had woken Justin up.

"Brian. It's Jennifer." The woman spoke cautiously. "Can you talk?"

"Yeah. He's asleep." Brian sat back in his chair and dropped the slides he'd been studying back on to the desk in front of him.

"How'd he do today at the party?" Jennifer Taylor had a long way to go in getting used to Brian being caregiver and liaison in her son's life but she was getting there. The man had proved himself more than willing to take on the role and he'd been much kinder than she'd been when it came to keeping everyone else in Justin's life informed.

"For the most part, okay. He's starting to remember some stuff so that sort of freaked him for a little while. That's why he's lying down." Brian spoke his words quietly.

"What does he remember?"

"I don't know. He doesn't want to talk about it and I'm not gonna push him to tell me." This was only part of the truth. Brian thought the unspoken reason why he had no intention of pushing was the fact that he was more concerned than anything else that Justin would only remember the cold cement or the pain from the blow and nothing of what had happened before that.

"Did you give him something to make him sleep?"

"No."

"He's more likely to have the nightmares when he doesn't take something."

"He'll only take the pain medication. He doesn't want the happy pills." Brian studied the sleeping form through the blinds that ran along the side of the bedroom. He thought he saw Justin shifting slightly in the bed and he took note of the butterflies that had started to move through his stomach at the prospect of Justin being awake again. He couldn't stand the thought of not knowing where Justin was or what he was doing at any given moment but he'd also been scared to death of having to face him and to deal with his reactions. "Look, I've gotta go. He's waking up."

Justin listened to the hushed tones of Brian's voice and he quickly figured out that Brian was talking to his mother. The fact that Brian and his mother had become semi-allies worried him a little. Brian certainly didn't treat him like his mother did. Brian didn't pick up after him and he didn't try to do everything for him even down to wiping his nose but Justin was worried that some of that nervous concern that his mother had drowned him in would start to skew the way Brian looked at him. Justin didn't want to be a charge or a cause for Brian to rally any lingering feelings of guilt around.

He lay there quietly and listened as Brian hung up and moved towards the kitchen. He could hear the man pulling things out of the refrigerator and he figured that Brian hadn't bothered to eat anything while he was asleep. Justin studied his watch in the dim light of the bedroom and he realized he'd been sleeping for the last five hours. He turned on to his side and ran his hand across the pillow under his head. He looked at the walls of the room around him and he thought back to how many nights he'd spent in this same spot since that first night. He wondered whether or not Brian remembered what day today was or even if Brian would bring it up considering the freak fest that he'd treated the man to at the party.

Justin sighed a little half out of regret and half out of acknowledgment. He wasn't the same person that he'd been a year ago today. He was sure about that and he was sure about that fact when it came to Brian as well. The man had surprised him so much in the last few days. He'd watched over him and cared for him and pushed him and comforted him and all round tried to help him without trying to suffocate him. Brian had been trying so hard and Justin knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to try again, as much for Brian as for himself.

Justin turned on to his back and sat up when he heard Brian putting everything back into the fridge again. Brian had seemingly given up on trying to eat and Justin watched through the open glass panes as he finished putting everything away and shut off the lights. He thought that Brian looked tired and Justin watched him take the few steps towards the bedroom and climb the stairs. The man seemed to be somewhere else. The expression on his face was blank and Brian looked defeated. He'd jumped a little when he realized Justin was sitting up and he looked away as he recovered his composure.

"Better now?"

Justin murmured his response and continued to look at Brian across the room.

Brian's face was a blank canvas but his body language spoke volumes as he reached around to scratch the imaginary itch on his lower back. Justin had watched him do that so many times before and he read it for what it was. Brian was nervous and he was trying to hide his feelings by hiding his hands and occupying himself with something.

Justin had been about to speak up, to ask Brian to come closer to him, when Brian surprised him yet again. The man took several smooth strides and came to sit beside him at the foot of the bed. Even after every rejection and every flinch from Brian's attempts at touching him, the man was still trying. Justin smiled on the inside. He'd decided to chock Brian's regrouping and continued attempts at intimacy up to the fact that the man couldn't help himself when it came to wanting to be close to him.

"You really freaked me out." Brian found Justin's eyes in the dim light as he spoke to him.

"What, you?" Justin smiled a little. He'd been trying to lighten the mood having already seen first hand the effect his reactions had on Brian.

"It was like you got hit all over again." Brian grimaced a little as he looked down at the tile work on the floor.

Justin took a deep breath before speaking again. "I remembered walking away and suddenly hearing your voice call my name, to warn me. You tried to save me." Brian was looking at him now and Justin met his eyes. "You never told me about that."

Brian swallowed and looked away. "Guess I forgot."

Justin shifted closer to him and reached up to touch Brian's shoulder. "Good thing one of us remembered." He managed a half-smile and when Brian made no attempt to respond to him, Justin reached up to touch Brian's neck as he leaned in towards the other man. He wanted Brian to kiss him but he was keenly aware that, after everything that had happened, Brian wouldn't attempt anything even vaguely sexual with him without clear permission.

Justin leaned in slowly and his heart settled down to beating again when after what seemed liked eons, he finally felt Brian shifting and leaning in to meet his lips. The kiss was light and tentative and Justin dropped his eyes to Brian's shirt as he moved to unbutton it. He wanted so much to feel Brian's skin against his own and he wanted so much to lose himself in Brian's touch again.

His fingers skimmed across something that was still soft but a little stiff in some places. Justin closed his fist around the fabric that had been hiding under Brian's shirt and he pulled at it lightly. The cloth had once been white and now Justin knew what it was. He'd remembered holding the ends of this scarf while it hung from his neck as he walked away from the Jeep that night. He remembered that he'd still been holding on to it when he turned around to answer Brian's call.

Justin looked back up at Brian's face and read the plea for him to just forget about what he'd just seen. Brian stared at him for a few moments before dropping his eyes towards the stained scarf and then finally looking away. He'd watched out of the corner of his eye as Justin dropped the scarf on the platform that ran around the edge of the bed.

Justin shifted forward again and reached for Brian's body. "I want you inside me." He'd been unbuttoning Brian's shirt and now he stopped to warm the tips of his fingers on the skin of Brian's chest.

"Are you sure?" Never before in his life had Brian been more scared of the prospect of having sex. He wanted Justin to want this but he didn't want to make things any worse.

"Yeah. Just take it easy." Justin dropped his eyes as he spoke and then looked up at Brian again and held his gaze. He trusted this man implicitly and whereas he couldn't completely let his guard down with anyone else right now, he was willing to give Brian all of the little he still had of himself.

"Like the first time?" The smile appeared and disappeared from Brian's lips in the blink of an eye but Justin had seen it and he smiled in response. Brian remembered what today was and Brian realized that tonight would be another night for firsts.

Justin pushed the shirt off Brian's shoulder and leaned in towards his lips again. Brian exhaled slowly as he brushed his lips across Justin's mouth. He'd closed his eyes at the sensations that flooded through his body in the moment of that brief contact. He'd been fucking almost non-stop since that night and none of those experiences had managed to set off the explosions that the few kisses he'd shared with Justin since then had created.

Justin was reaching for him and Brian lost himself to the kiss again. He could feel Justin's hand in his hair and Brian leaned towards the touch. He reached up to cradle Justin's face in his hands and he forced himself not to kiss back too forcefully. Justin wanted to take this slowly and Brian was all too willing to gently relearn his touch, his taste, his smell and the sound of his voice in pure ecstasy.

Brian ran his hand over the fingers in his hair. He would start out touching the places Justin had shown him were safe. He'd kiss him and touch his hands and then maybe touch his body. He'd wait for Justin to show him that it was okay to touch anyplace else.

Justin wanted Brian to make love to him but he would very much lead this encounter.

Brian laced his fingers through the fingers in his hair while they kissed. He let his other hand find and skim over the hand that Justin still held safely in his lap. He could feel Justin stiffen a little when he touched him there and Brian pulled his hand back to run his fingers over Justin's thigh instead. The kiss deepened and Justin opened to him, challenging the tenuous composure that Brian had managed to cloak himself in. As much as he wanted to lose himself to these feelings he'd have to keep one foot in reality to make sure of Justin's reactions and what Justin needed him to do.

Justin lifted his right hand to Brian's shoulder and Brian moved away from Justin's lips to kiss at the hand on his shoulder. Justin carefully extended a finger towards Brian's lips and Brian happily engulfed it in liquid heat as he watched the desire continue to bloom across Justin's face. Every now and then they'd pull back from each other to just look. It was as if each wanted to make sure this was really happening.

Justin watched as Brian stood up from the bed and unbuttoned and pushed off his jeans. He watched as Brian arranged himself in front of him again and slowly reached for his shirt and then his shorts.

"You realize this is a record for us." Justin smiled as he brushed his face across Brian's cheek. Brian shook his head slightly as he pulled away. He needed more information to figure out what they were talking about. "You've been kissing me for about half an hour and you haven't reached for my cock yet."

Brian huffed a little laugh. "You haven't reached for mine either."

Their faces were inches apart as Brian pulled at the band of his underwear and slowly removed some of the last of the clothing that still stood between he and Justin. Justin still hadn't made any attempt to touch him and Brian weighed the option of whether to reach over and finish undressing Justin or wait for him to do it himself in his own time. Justin answered his unspoken question quickly enough by reaching for the band of his own underwear and tugging it down with one hand. Brian had been leaning back and away from Justin as their lips lightly skimmed each other's. His movements were choreographed to get Justin lying against him without him having to press the younger man against the sheets or come towards him.

Brian reached up to help push the underwear out of the way and he was treated to the feeling of Justin settling his weight against his chest and thighs. He breathed against Justin's face and moved to kiss at his neck and ear. He could feel it when Justin sighed against his cheek and he could feel it when Justin finally reached a hand between his legs to touch him. The explosion that went through every inch Brian's body was quickly matched by the overwhelming sensations that overtook him as Justin kissed across his throat and down to his chest.

They had stopped to look at each other again and Brian reached up to pull Justin completely on top of his body. Justin smiled and sighed as he felt what he'd done to the man and Brian smiled in turn at the contrast between the softness and relaxation in Justin's muscles and the hardness between his legs.

Justin leaned his forehead down to the chest beneath him and took in the slow rise and fall of Brian's breathing and the sound of Brian's heart. He could feel Brian's hands tracing wide circles across his back and he could feel it when Brian let a hand slip down to the cleft of his ass. Justin pulled back to look at Brian's eyes and the other man watched him closely as he slowly continued to work his hand against Justin's body. Justin dropped his face again and closed his lips around the tightly drawn skin as he let his fingers play over a similarly afflicted area only inches away. Brian moaned at the feel of Justin's tongue and Justin answered him as he felt Brian's fingers slip inside him.

Justin had been unconsciously rubbing himself against Brian's cock for the last several minutes and now he was keenly aware of the fact that they'd set another record in the last few minutes. He'd never been this close to Brian for this long without feeling more than the man's fingers inside him. Justin gasped as Brian pushed in all the way and he met Brian's eyes again before pushing back against his hand.

"Now, please." Justin's pupils were dilated and his lips were flushed and swollen.

Brian pulled out as he watched Justin pull himself up and turn on to his side beside him. He ran a hand across the smooth expanse of Justin's back before moving in press his own body against the length of Justin's. Brian's lips touched down on Justin's shoulders and the back of his neck and he felt Justin arch his back into the touch and push back against him. Justin had handed him the lubricant and a condom and Brian continued to kiss across his shoulder as Justin pulled his knees up to give him access.

Brian settled himself on one elbow and closed his eyes as he pushed inside. He could instantly feel Justin's pulse around him and his thoughts flashed on the things he'd said to Justin that first night. His breath caught in his throat as he felt Justin reach up to rest his face against the hand that Brian had tightened around the pillow beneath them. Brian's thoughts flashed on the cockiness with which he'd taken Justin that first time and the way he'd demanded that Justin remember him always. He could feel Justin lacing his fingers through the hand by his face and Brian tightened his grip on Justin's hip as he pushed in again. Brian remembered the way Justin had looked up at him that first time and the way he'd watched him and memorized his every move and every kiss as if to burn the night into his consciousness. He reached down again and brushed his lips across Justin's jaw and neck drinking up the scent that had been etched into his own consciousness in the instant that he'd first tasted Justin. Brian could hear Justin moaning now and he remembered the way he'd pressed Justin's hands against the sheets above his head as he'd fucked him and the way that Justin had reached up to kiss his face while he did it. He remembered all of this even though he'd been high and out of his mind that night.

Brian opened his eyes to find Justin looking at him over his shoulder. Justin was willing him to come even closer than they already were and Brian reached down to kiss him. The composure that had started to bleed away with the first touch tonight was completely gone now and Brian buried his face in the crook of Justin's neck as he slipped in all the way and closed his arms around Justin's body. He'd wanted to mark Justin that first night and he'd wanted to ruin him for all others but now more than ever Brian realized that not only had he succeeded in marking Justin, he'd marked himself.

~Fin~