He hadn't been sleeping well of late. Not that anyone noticed and not that he would have admitted it even if they had. Had they known, they would have attributed it to something sappy and something that he thought was thoroughly inaccurate. It wasn't because he was alone or upset or because his eyes had suddenly been opened to his mistakes. He wasn't feeling regret or even anger for that matter. He wasn't sleeping well because he thought he just didn't need that much sleep any more. He didn't need or want to keep to the regulated schedule that governed most everyone else's lives. He didn't feel the urge to eat breakfast anymore, or to eat lunch when meetings broke at the appropriate time. Nighttime didn't call out a yawn or make him ache for rest. At some point he'd disconnected from all of it and now he was marching to the beat of his own drummer.

Brian had taken to eating for mere sustenance whenever he remembered to or whenever Cynthia set something in front of him and reminded him it was there. He didn't eat at the loft anymore and he didn't drink more than coffee in the times that he went into the diner. He'd had some of his suits retailored to fit his slimmer more disconnected frame and had taken to relying on protein shakes and power bars for quick fix nutrition without all of the excess of actually rousing the taste buds. Much like his new opinion about sleeping, he didn't need to taste anything but wheat germ and soy anymore. The more devoid of flavor or color it was, the better.

He'd been scrolling through the messages on his computer screen when Cynthia knocked lightly on the door. She'd waited for his one word acknowledgment before entering the room and standing in front of his desk.

"Did you decide on whether you wanted to reschedule tomorrow afternoon's meetings?" Cynthia spoke with a cool relaxed air but in this newer more subdued state, Brian made her more nervous than she'd thought he ever could. He hadn't snapped at her in a month and nothing anyone said or did seemed to rouse him beyond a state of mild annoyance.

"Yeah. Move everything to the morning or next week. I want to be out of here by one o'clock." Brian hadn't taken his eyes off the computer screen, having deleted three messages from Michael and printed two messages about client meetings in the time since his assistant had entered the room.

"One of the meetings is with Vance. What should I tell him about your rescheduling?" Cynthia dropped her eyes to make a note of Brian's direction while she waited for his response to her question. She'd raised her eyes back to Brian's face when she felt him level his gaze in her direction.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Brian flipped through a series of responses bordering on unabashed rage before settling on something more civil and more subdued. "Tell him something came up." The momentary flash behind his eyes dulled and his stare froze over once again.

More often than not he'd found himself flying into internal rages over the slightest thing. The trick was to maintain that veil of control so that no one saw how close to the surface his feelings were or how close to the edge he'd actually come. The technique was near perfect, but he was literally hiding in full view of anyone who would take the time to look.

It was just a thin shell of ice over something deep and dark and dying.

Cynthia exhaled slowly. She'd unwittingly been using the same breathing technique Brian had been practicing for the last month. It had helped her to calm her alarm at the look that she saw pass over Brian's face and had helped him keep back the acid that threatened to spill out of him.

"Did you need anything else before I leave?" Cynthia lingered by the door and glanced out towards the darkened sky beyond the windows. Brian had watched her as she moved across the room and he shook his head almost imperceptibly as she turned to look at him again.

"Turn the lock." Brian gestured towards the door handle and watched as she flipped the lock and pulled the door shut behind her.

He'd taken a few more deep breaths before turning back to face the computer and disconnecting once again. He wouldn't notice the deli sandwich Cynthia had left on his desk until some hours later when the smell of the meat and the roasted peppers had started to turn his stomach.

Brian slid the door back on its tracks and stepped into the loft slowly. There was no one there that the noise would wake up and he'd never been careful about the noise even when there was, but for some reason he did it quietly anyway.

He hadn't been careful with a lot of things back then but now he couldn't help but be as quiet as possible when he was in this place. It felt haunted to him and any noise seemed to wake things that he didn't want to see, hear or notice. He'd concentrated hard on doing the basics and closing his mind to the rest.

To the kitchen for water or liquor.

To the bedroom to change out of his suit...he would make sure not to linger there for too long.

To the shower.

To the bedroom for a pillow and a throw...again, he made sure not to stay there for too long...

...and then to the couch where he pretended that counting the wooden slats on the ceiling was just as relaxing as actually sleeping through the night.

Brian tossed his suit jacket across the bed and began his nightly routine. He'd noticed the message light flashing on the phone at his desk but he had no intention of answering it. The last time he looked, he had eight messages and the caller ID told him they were all from Michael.

Brian turned his back towards the rest of the loft and turned his attention to the doorway of the bathroom. He was steeling himself for going in there and he was devising a plan for doing it without catching his own reflection in the mirror. He pulled his tie from around his neck and it soon joined the pile of clothes that he'd left on the bed for the housekeeper to send to the drycleaners in the morning. He'd been halfway through unbuttoning his tie when he heard the knock on the door.

Brian turned towards the direction of the sound and crossed the loft slowly. He was careful not to disturb whatever avalanche the noise seemed to threaten and he pulled the door open just as quietly as he did before.

"Where have you been and why haven't you called me back?" Michael pushed his way into the loft and stood on the other side of the doorway. He watched as Brian closed the door slowly and turned to face him.

"I've been at work. It's eleven-thirty and I'm tired. What do you want?" Brian huffed his words as he brushed passed the other man on route to the bedroom.

Michael turned and followed him, noticing how clean and sparse the space was.

No more clutter. No more evidence.

"I'm worried about you. I haven't seen you in days. I know you've been at work because your secretary calls me back to say ‘you're in a meeting'.

You're in a meeting every time I call and every time I leave a message. At this rate, all you do everyday is go to meetings." The words just flowed out of Michael's mouth as he took in the rest of the loft and climbed the steps to the bedroom. The bedding was crisply made and except for the pile of clothes at the foot of the bed there weren't any running shoes, any portfolios or any dirty dishes... there wasn't anything but clean and sparse.

"You're right, I do have to be at a lot of meetings. Now why don't you run along home so I can get some sleep and be rested and ready for the ten meetings I have tomorrow morning." Brian dismissed him as he stepped out of his pants and crossed the space to the bathroom.

"You should try and get over him. He isn't worth all this." Michael called his words through the door to the bathroom. He'd frozen stock still as Brian turned to look at him.

That same flash of fire that Cynthia had seen and then...something...something that was hiding...barely.

"What are you talking about?" Brian hissed his words quietly. Clearly he knew and understood exactly whom Michael was referring to. He'd been silently willing Michael not to say the name and not to conjure that particular demon tonight.

"You know what I'm talking about so don't give me any bullshit about it not being true." Michael pushed passed the unease he always felt in broaching this subject. He'd seen Brian slide for weeks now and he wanted to reach him before the man completely disappeared.

"Lock the door when you leave." Brian stepped into the shower and turned up the spray as Michael crossed the threshold into the bathroom to continue his protest. Brian was still willing his friend not to say the name.

"I'm trying to help you Brian. You're doing it again and..."

"...and I said get the fuck out of here." Brian pulled the door open and spat his words in Michael's direction. Michael had baited that reaction out of him and no breathing technique could have veiled Brian's emotions.

The steam billowed from around Brian's wet body and filled the air in the room. Michael could feel the temperature rising around him both literally and figuratively. He didn't like being in this situation with Brian but he'd made a decision before he came here tonight and he planned on seeing it through.

"You can't keep doing this. I don't know when or how but he's gotten completely under your skin and even though you've gotten rid of all his stuff, the only way you're really going to get rid of Justi..." Michael stopped just when Brian started.

"Get out of here now. Go home and nurse your hubby and enjoy his good health. There's nothing for me to get over and nothing for you to help me with." Brian held Michael's attention until Michael's gaze wavered and he looked away. Brian's words had been clipped and cool but the heat in his eyes could have been the source of the temperature change in the room.

Michael picked through his mind for another way to get Brian to listen to him. He couldn't find what he'd been hoping for in Brian's eyes and what he saw made him even more worried. What he saw was that same nonchalance that Brian had tried to project after Justin's attack and that same nonchalance that Michael had mistakenly accepted as the truth when he'd first told Brian about Justin's lover. He didn't have what he needed to get through to Brian tonight and he'd either need to regroup or to send in reinforcements.

"Will you call me when you're not so busy at work?" This was Michael's way of regrouping. He'd pushed Brian as hard as he'd been prepared to go and he hoped he could secure a second chance at this. He was sure that he'd see Brian within the next day or so but seeing the man in the diner or at Babylon didn't mean he'd get Brian's attention, let alone the one on one that he wanted. The shadow that pretended to keep up his routine of breakfast at the diner and the predator that abused himself and any other willing body that he could find at Babylon, were not men who would listen to reason. Inasmuch as they wouldn't willingly entertain a discussion about getting over a lover, the Brian that stood before Michael now would also have no part in that discussion.

Brian had nodded his response to Michael's question and then watched as Michael backed out of the room and closed the bathroom door. It had been an odd thing for Michael to do and enough to set off the threatened avalanche in Brian's mind. That door had almost never been closed in all the time that he'd lived in the loft and in all the time that Justin had been living there...Except.

Except...Justin had started to shut it behind him while he took his showers in those last few weeks.

Brian scrubbed his hands over his face and willed the thoughts and images to disappear. He braced his hands against the back wall of the shower as he let the water beat down on the crown of his head. He'd tried to concentrate on the sound of the water but the images were coming unbidden now. He wouldn't fall asleep tonight and tonight he'd have his haunting to keep him company while he waited for daylight.

A few days after the Rage bash at Babylon, Justin had come to the loft to collect his things while Brian was at work. He'd refused Ethan's request to come with him because something seemed wrong with bringing him into Brian's space. Justin figured Ethan had wanted to see more of what he was up against and also to make sure Justin didn't change his mind and stay.

Justin didn't think there was much danger in his deciding to stay now and he tried hard to not think about what he was doing while he packed.

He and Brian had made their choices and there was no turning back for either of them now.

It had taken Justin a while to pack and he'd been genuinely surprised at how much of ‘him' was actually in the loft. To see the place, it still looked as though not even Brian lived there, but to see the size of his bags Justin realized how much he actually had there.

He'd been equally surprised to see how interwoven his belongings had been with Brian's. There was no couple of drawers to quickly empty into a bag and there was no half of a closet of clothes to quickly pull off their hangers. His underwear and Brian's shared the same drawer and his tennis shoes were intermixed with the Prada and Gucci that Brian worshipped. He'd had to root through Brian's things in order to separate them from his own.

For a man who felt so distant from him and for a lover that was so remote, their living space didn't show it.

Justin had walked around every inch of the space consciously searching for anything he might of forgotten and unconsciously looking for more evidence that he hadn't simply imagined the times he thought he and Brian were close to sharing one life. He'd told himself he was looking for CDs when he visited Brian's desk drawer. In reality he'd been looking for a photograph that he thought Brian kept there...a picture of them together...a memory of something that happened a long time ago.

He hadn't found any photo but he'd found more of Brian and he together than he cared to see. Instead of a picture, he'd found more of Brian and him in the form of loose sticks of his Big Red gum and loose sticks of Brian's Wrigley's spearmint lying together at the bottom of the drawer. According to this, they'd been together long enough to create the habit of dumping half packets of gum there and long enough for dust to settle on this little detail.

Justin had sat for a while just looking at the gum and he would drive Brian crazy that night when the man couldn't shake the smell that lingered from Justin's shampoo in the area of the computer.

Enough of his own demons rekindled, Justin had left and he'd taken as much of himself as he thought he could cut away from the loft and away from Brian.

"So you and Justin still aren't talking?" Emmett leaned over the counter to hand Michael the last box of comics from the doorway of the shop. He'd stopped by to pick Michael up for lunch and he hadn't stopped talking about Brian or Justin since he'd arrived.

"There's nothing really to talk about. The only things we ever talked about were Brian and the comic. Now I don't even want to hear him call Brian's name after what he did so we keep all discussion strictly to his artwork for the stories." Michael unpacked the last of the inaugural Rage issue and filled the display case as he spoke. His visit with Brian the night before had left him in a position where he was even more worried and even less likely to get Brian to let him help.

"But you two are a creative team. How are you writing the stories if you don't talk?"

"Just leave it alone Em. I write the stories and he draws them. It's working out fine. I give him the text and the story line and he does the pictures. We have a short meeting to iron out a few details and change a few things and then both of us get out alive without having to discuss the fact that we can't stand each other."

"That good, huh?" Emmett turned his back to Michael and leaned against the counter. He'd been eyeing the clutter in the small shop and thinking of new ways to stir things up in his friend's lives. "I saw him...and lover boy the other day." When Michael didn't bite Emmett went on talking. "They were on Liberty. I think they were coming from school or something and...they were holding hands." Emmett turned his head to see Michael's reaction to that little visual. He hadn't seen Brian to share his wealth of information so he'd test Brian's reaction by observing Michael's.

"Is that supposed to mean something to me?" Michael raised his head from what he was doing in order to bite out his response. He'd seemed more than a little upset by Emmett's line of discussion.

"Nothing. Nothing. Just thought you'd be interested. Maybe Brian would be interested." Emmett pretended to be engrossed in the fringe work on the front of his shirt as he waited for Michael to calm down.

"Well Brian wouldn't want to hear it and neither do I. Now are you going to help me unpack the other comics or are you gonna keep talking about what's not your business." Michael was trying hard to change the subject but he'd managed to keep silent only for a few minutes before his frustration spilled out again. "You know Brian doesn't need him. He cheated on him remember. Brian doesn't want to hear anything about him. He doesn't even want to hear the sound of Justin's name so I'm warning you Em, don't say anything like this to him." Michael watched unconvinced as Emmett feigned shock and then gave him his scout's honor not to repeat his newsflash in Brian's presence.

"I won't say anything, but if you ask me, someone who doesn't care wouldn't have such a hard a time hearing it." He'd been playing with the fringe again as he spoke.

"Aren't you listening to me. It's not that he doesn't care. That's just it. It's never because Brian doesn't care. I've known him for years and I don't always get that, but I definitely get that now. I'm asking you to leave him alone for your sake and for Brian's." Michael finished his thought and then dropped his eyes.

He hoped Emmett would get it.

Brian pulled on his sunglasses and turned up the air conditioning in the Jeep as he pulled into traffic and headed away from his office building.

He'd managed to get through his morning meetings without running into his business partner and now he turned his attention towards the unpleasantness of the afternoon that lay ahead of him.

It was Friday afternoon and it was hot and smoggy. He'd planned on leaving early today because of the shit Claire had roped him into doing for their mother. Guilt had never worked on Brian so it had taken nothing less than a solemn vow to deal with all crises for the next six months without calling for the aide of anything more than his checkbook.

Brian watched the scenery fly by as he steered the Jeep towards the interstate and headed to the burb's. He figured that the upside to this afternoon would be that fact that he wouldn't be able to think about anything else other than how much the woman prayed for his immortal soul.

He'd revised his read of the afternoon when he remembered the circumstances around the last time he saw his mother and who'd been with him during her last visit.

Brian reached across the passenger seat for the pills he kept in the glove compartment. He'd swerved a little in his maneuvering and had given the finger to the thick neck who'd honked at him from a passing pick-up. He popped two pills into his mouth and dry swallowed them before bothering to read the label on the package. Besides the notation not to keep the pills in a heated place, he took note of the fact that they'd expired that past January. Either he'd rendered the once potent painkillers impotent by forgetting them in the hot glove compartment or he'd managed to poison himself on top of the poison he would endure that afternoon. Either way, Brian figured he was driving to hell in a black hand-basket and no pills would be able to shake the headache that was determined to follow him.

Emmett and Michael had been in the booth for only two minutes when the proverbial pink elephant of their usual diner discussions appeared across the room. Justin had rearranged all his shifts but there were still those unexpected crossovers and schedule changes that made Brian suddenly lose his appetite for his coffee and have to leave if he was there or which led to indigestion on Michael's part.

Justin had spotted Michael in the instant that he came back from his break and he'd thought of going to the back and getting someone else to serve them. He'd felt Debbie slip her arm around his shoulder before gently shoving him in the direction of the table.

"You do it enough times, you get used to it." She'd leaned in to whisper in his ear before delivering her order to a table in her section.

"Yeah. I let Michael chew me a new asshole each time and I'll eventually get used to it." Justin grabbed an order pad as he spoke and walked towards the two men. He smiled in response to Emmett's cheery looking greeting and studied the hard set of Michael's profile.

"What can I get you guys?" Justin stood a foot from the table and waited.

"Another waiter." Michael spoke without looking up.

"Shhhh." Emmett reached across the table to touch Michael's arm before looking back at Justin. "Don't mind him sweetie." He'd looked up to soothe Justin and also to gauge his reaction for future updates in his gossip about the relationship/breakup that kept getting juicier and juicier by the day.

"Look Michael, I don't give a fuck what you think of me. You don't want me to serve you that's fine by me. You can go sit the section that Debbie is working today and save us both the grief." Justin stood back and waited for Michael's reaction.

"Nobody's moving to my section. I'm up to my ass in orders as it is and you boys are gonna have to grow up." Debbie chimed in behind them. She'd been addressing her words as much to Michael as to Justin. "The way I see it you both still have one very big factor in common and it ain't gonna go away any time soon. You broke things off with his best friend and each of you blames the other for a little part in that mess." She'd fixed her gaze squarely on Michael's face as she said her next words before addressing the rest of her comment to Justin. "You'd save everybody a whole lot of grief if you remembered being a supportive best friend only goes so far. And you should remember that life after Brian still includes living in his world and seeing the people who were around him long before you came along."

Debbie had meant her comments to be biting. She'd seen enough of this song and dance between Michael and Justin to be tired of it and she didn't find it the least bit as entertaining as the patrons who'd been listening to her seemed to think. "Now tell Sunshine what you want to eat and then hurry up and get back to minding your stores." She'd turned to eye Emmett before adding. "The both of you."

"I don't need your help. I've called the church and they're trying to find someone who can drive me over to my appointment." The woman tried to pull the screen door shut as Brian pushed his way inside.

"You've been trying to get someone from your fucking church to drive you for last three Fridays and you've been late for every appointment because you've been catching a bus." Brian stepped across the landing and stood at the foot of the stairs. "I can think of a hell of a lot better things to be doing with my afternoon besides standing here, half of which include having some painful procedure performed without the aid of anesthetic." Having spat out this comment, Brian added a topper he thought would really goad his mother's good mood. "Hey maybe after your doctor is done with you, you can ask him do something like that. If your insurance won't cover it I'd be happy to pay." Brian smiled as his mother's glare widened.

"I already told you that I'm not going anywhere with you so I want you out of my house. Go home to that teenager of yours and leave me alone." He should have remembered the size of the old woman's teeth and strength of her bite.

Brian's smile thinned and he eyed his mother through the throbbing of the headache that had suddenly returned. He'd thought to pawn dear old mom off on to Claire for the rest of either of their lives. "Your appointment is at two and it's ten to two now. Do you want to miss it or do you want to come with me?" He'd taken two steps toward the front door and toward his mother as he spoke.

His intention hadn't been intimidation but like both Cynthia and Michael had noticed, this new Brian who seemed as safe as a thin crust over a raging volcano, could be very intimidating nonetheless.

Joanie had checked the time for herself before retrieving her purse and slipping her key into the door for Brian to lock it behind her. She would go with Brian out of necessity and he would continue to be grateful that his mother hadn't known Justin's name in order to have said it out loud just then.

He could handle her nastiness but the previous night of again ‘not needing' to sleep had told him that he couldn't afford to even half hear that particular name.

Justin pushed the door and slowly entered the small apartment. He'd been careful not to disturb Ethan's playing. Whereas Brian was careful not to make any noise when he went into the loft, Justin sought to make sure Ethan never stopped playing when they were in the apartment together. Justin had needed to hear the sound of this violin and he needed to focus his thoughts only on the sound of this violin.

"You're back." Ethan turned to face him and let the strains of the last note he'd played fade away. He crossed the room to reach for Justin and the other man had fallen into his arms as they listened to the fading note.

There was something soft and tender about the music and there was always something soft and tender about their greetings. Justin struggled to appreciate that fact without comparing it to something else that he'd felt before.

"I left early. I wasn't feeling too hot and somebody wanted to pick up an extra shift." Justin spoke softly as he dropped his backpack beside his foot.

"Would it be terrible for me to say that I'm glad you're not feeling well because it made you come back earlier?" Ethan had nuzzled his face against Justin's ear as he spoke his words and Justin smiled slightly.

Justin thought that most everything Ethan said to him was sweet...saccharine...way to sweet...no, just plain sweet. He wasn't sure if he'd actually decided which of these descriptions fit and he'd made yet another note of something Brian would never have said to him. Some part of Justin figured Brian hadn't come up on the losing end of this particular comparison. He'd shaken these thoughts out of his head when he realized that he needed to say something in response to Ethan's comment.

"I was trying to be quiet so I wouldn't disturb you." Justin reached out to push a strand of hair out of Ethan's eyes. He'd felt it when the other man slipped his hands under his shirt and ran his fingers over the small of his back.

"What if I said I was waiting for just this particular brand of disturbance, that is if you're feeling up to it?" Ethan's comment was playful and right in line with something Brian would have said.

Justin silently continued to curse the situation at the diner that afternoon for bringing Brian so close to the center of his thoughts. He'd stepped forward to kiss at Ethan lips as the other man rubbed his erection against his groin.

Justin had been holding tightly to the present in hopes of soon forgetting the past. He didn't want to think about what Brian was doing with his Friday night or who he was doing it with. Justin was having enough trouble maintaining this moment as it was.

Justin reached under the pillow to hold tight to the sheets beneath his head. He could feel the weight pressed up against his back and he struggle to catch his breath as the sensations continued to streak through his body.

He could feel the heat of Brian's kisses on his back and he could feel the heat of the man inside him. He'd wanted so badly to see the man's face right now but he hadn't dared to turn around for fear of what each of them might see.

Justin didn't want to trick himself into seeing love in Brian's eyes and he didn't want to let his guard slip and betray anything of what he'd been feeling of late. He wanted to enjoy this momentary reprieve and he wanted to think only about the man he was with and ease at which the fulfilled each other's needs...in bed.

He reached around to run his hand across the back of Brian's thigh and pushed back into the feel of his thrusts. He didn't notice that the feel of the skin under his hand wasn't of the same taut muscle or that the soft moans coming from the voice by his ear weren't Brian's words.

He'd closed his eyes and tried not to make comparisons as Ethan pushed into him again.

~To be continued~