It started out with a hand in the small of his back and then the feeling of Brian's lips on his shoulder. Part of him had been sure that this was a dream brought on by the stress of the situation and well... the fact that Brian was in this bed next to him. Everything about this dream was familiar yet different somehow. This room was different from the loft, the texture of the sheets rubbing against his thighs was different, the hollow whistle of the air from the heating register across the room was different...but the sound and the feeling of those low sighs over Brian's lips and the air hitting the skin of his back was what woke Justin to the fact that this was a familiar reality.

There had always been nights when they were living together where their lovemaking started out like this. One of them waking from a dream and letting his body play out the motions while the other woke up to the attention. They'd always welcomed these informal "midnight snacks" and now Justin wondered whether Brian was really awake and if not, what he would think when he eventually was. He tried not to move at all, hoping to give Brian the chance to back out without knowing he'd woken him if and when the man decided to stop. There was something to be said for not wanting to get carried away into something he'd been wary about doing when he wasn't sure of where Brian's head was.

"I know you're not sleeping." Brian spoke up behind him and Justin turned over to look at the shape of his face in the dim light.

"What...what are..." Justin waited for the light from the window to give him a foggy echo of the look on Brian's face.

"You still don't want to?" Brian asked as he pulled away and his movement gave Justin a clear view of his profile against the light of the window.

"I didn't know if you were awake or just, you know?" Justin settled on to his back now and let his head relax against the pillow. He didn't move as Brian reached out to flatten his palm against his chest. The thumping of his heart beat and the searching look in his eyes being his only communication with Brian for the next few seconds.

Watching Justin's face as carefully as he could, Brian leaned in and brushed a kiss across his chest before glancing up to ask silent permission to do anything else. Justin's eyes were closed now and Brian sat back a little to further gauge the truthfulness of the response. He watched as Justin's eyelids fluttered and he let himself lean in again, this time to find Justin's lips. Brian inhaled deeply as Justin opened his mouth around his and he explored further. Justin's skin was warm and gave off that smell that clean skin did when heated by sleep and Brian took up as much scent as he could while the two exchanged heated breath after heated breath.

Letting himself do this, Justin pushed his tongue into Brian's mouth. He reached down to press Brian's hand against his body as the other man trailed it against the skin of his stomach. Moving a little so that Brian could come closer, Justin opened his eyes to watch the dark shadow of Brian's features relax. He could feel Brian's skin starting to heat up and Justin closed his eyes again as Brian replaced the hand on Justin's chest by pulling Justin on to his side and flush against his own body.

Like it had been so many nights before, Justin let himself reach for Brian's hair and the other man moaned into his mouth as they pulled at each other again. He couldn't help himself and as Brian rolled over on top of him, Justin opened his thighs to let the man rock against him. So much for saying no until they sat down and talked about what they were doing, Justin let his thoughts wander to something the stewardess had said to them somewhere toward the end of the flight. She'd told them that San Francisco was a great place to disappear and forget whatever problems were waiting for you at home. At the time Justin had thought the woman was just sensing the trepidation in his chattiness and Brian's stern silence, but later when she'd cornered him waiting for the washroom, he'd realized that she'd figured that they were together and that there was trouble in paradise.

"Nothing like getting out of the Pitts to get out of the pits, huh Hon?" A warm smile way too early in the morning, it made Justin realize how transparent his problems with Brian had become. Gone were the days when everyone thought that Brian and he could fuck any problem away and gone were the days where either of them dealt with things as invisibly as they could in their own way. The fact that strangers had them pegged was all the more reason why whatever would happen on this trip, had to happen somewhere without the watchful eyes of people who would interfere.

Brian pressed his erection against Justin's stomach and reached up to pin Justin's arms at his side. He had stopped yet again to see where Justin was on what they were doing and he watched as Justin opened his eyes.

"Why'd you stop?" A part of him having gotten ready for Brian to pull away, Justin wasn't surprised when the other man rolled off him after a few seconds and stepped off the bed.

Justin bit at his bottom lip as he watched the shadow move off into the bathroom and he wanted nothing more than to disappear before Brian came back. The warmed air suddenly cold, he moved to curl around himself before Brian returned.

Feeling the weight of the man on the mattress next to him and feeling Brian's hands find him again in the dark, Justin was seconds away from pulling away and telling Brian to fuck off. One or the other, he simply couldn't believe that the highs could still feel so high and the lows...that he could still let himself feel like that when Brian did something like just getting up and walking away in the middle of...Brian's lips on his shoulder again Justin furrowed his brows and it was only the sound of Brian's teeth tearing into the wrapper behind him that kick started his heart again.

Condom.

Their last time at the loft was not to be repeated and Justin turned on to his to stomach as Brian melded himself to his body again. To say that they were walking the minefield around each other was an understatement and in the ten seconds or so since Brian had pulled away and left the room, Justin had relived the lowest and most painful rejections of their entire relationship. Some of the dread still lingered and Justin forced himself to let it go as he spoke to Brian from against the bedding.

"I didn't know where you were going. You didn't..."

"I didn't want to wait until I couldn't stop." Having said it all in that statement, Brian pressed his face to Justin's cheek and pressed against him below. It took all his might to not let any of the past weeks creep into the way he handled Justin's body. The shameful bruises he'd left on Justin's skin after their last visit were also not to be repeated and Justin himself recognized and remembered the varying degrees of outrage from Debbie, Daphne...and Ethan at glimpsing them. Vic and Ted had thought the ‘love bites' humorous and yet another sign of weakness on Brian's part, but Michael and Emmett and even Ben had been concerned for more serious reasons. Michael thought there was something very wrong with Brian being able to do that and Emmett thought there was something to be said about a young man who could let that be done to him and then convince himself that none of it meant anything. Ben in a more quiet way had seen the desperation from both their perspectives and had been tempted to ask Brian whether tasting again had managed to stoke or silence his addiction.

Feeling the tightness give way, Brian pulled back and pulled Justin up with him. On their knees now, the sheets slipped away from Brian's back and he folded his arms around Justin's chest to seek out the warmth of his body. He listened to the pattern of breaths and words spilling over Justin's tongue and he reached down to slip a hand between Justin's legs pushing a loud moan out of the younger man's throat.

Hundreds of miles away from anyone and anything that they had been, Brian closed his mind to the lingering images and the lingering words. They had always done things best when neither one spoke and as unfortunate as that was, it was welcomed by both in this moment. The slip of hard against soft was enough answer to that stewardess's suggestion and Brian let all numbness bleed away.

He'd wanted to fuck Justin again and Debbie had seen that as clear as day in her comment about him using the torture as foreplay. Every event over the last few months had led them to this moment, and despite the fact that Justin would seldom believe that Brian hadn't crafted most of it, Brian put it all aside for the time being. The feel of Justin's hair against his mouth and the feel of Justin's every breath and movement around his length, Brian closed his mind to everything beyond those sensations.

"Hullo." The little ‘spoonicopter' bringing Gus his next mouthful of cereal had stopped in mid-air as Lindsay brought the telephone to her ear.

"Lindsay? It's Debbie. Has Justin been by there this morning or last night?" Debbie didn't take a single breath as she waited hopefully for Lindsay to offer her an encouraging answer.

"No. Why? What's going on?" Lindsay pushed the spoonful into Gus's mouth and the toddler slurped it off before happily going back to arranging the blocks that had been laid out in front of him on the tray of his highchair.

"Well have you heard from Brian either?" Debbie pressed on ignoring Lindsay's question.

"No...um...not since last night. Debbie what's going on?" The woman had been absently stirring at the oatmeal in the little yellow bowl while she watched her son arranging his favorite toys of late. She'd immediately thought of the mood Brian had been in after he dropped her off back at home last night. She'd been sure that he wasn't himself after their discussion but she hadn't been sure of what he would end up doing.

"Last night? After you left the diner? What time did you talk to Brian?"

"Debbie will you tell me what's going on? It's eight o'clock in the morning and I don't think you've bothered to answer any of my questions." Lindsay blustered a little, her own worry at Brian's actions showing through.

"Sunshine is gone and hasn't called home all night. I went over to the loft his morning to see if he was there and even though the Jeep is parked outside, nobody is answering the door. You have a key to the place don't ya? I used to have one but for the life of me I can't find it...and Michael, he's on his way over here with his key but..."

"Debbie what exactly do you think is going on?"

"I don't know." The woman was displaying some classic hysteria and even for her, it was pushing the boundaries of her personality. "You didn't see Brian in action yesterday. You may have heard about it, but you didn't see it. I don't like that I can't reach either of them."

"You think Brian would hurt him?" Lindsay stopped stirring the oatmeal and she was oblivious to the fact that Gus had started sing-songing his father's name having been reminded of the giver of his favorite new toys.

"Anything is possible until I hear from Justin."

"Come' on now Debbie. They have their own stuff to work out but Brian's not capable of that and that's not where his head is at right now."

"How do you know that? Exactly when did you see Brian and what'd he say he meant to accomplish by paying Sunshine a visit last night?"

"Brian went to see Justin last night?" Lindsay looked up as Melanie came into the room and she shrugged her shoulders a little at Mel's curious expression.

"He sure as hell did and before saying anything to anybody he disappears and Justin disappears. Now if you know where they are..." Debbie was cut off by a glaring Vic and eventually by Lindsay's voice at the other end of the line.

"You don't know if Justin is even with Brian and if you say the Jeep is at the loft, I'd say that you should calm down and wait to see if Brian is home and ask him then." She'd been counseling Debbie on calmness but after seeing Brian last night, she didn't like the idea of his car being at the place and no answer, not even a pissy one, when Debbie started pounding on his door.

"I'll be calm when someone tells me what's going on. Justin's mother is gonna call me again this morning to check up on him and I've already lied once and said everything was fine."

"Look, Debbie I'll call you of I hear anything and you do the same for me." Lindsay waited until Debbie responded before hanging up and feeding the waiting mouth with more cooling oatmeal. She figured Debbie's next step was to wait for Michael so that she could get into the loft and Lindsay was entirely sure that those two shouldn't be there before she had a chance to talk to Brian herself. Anticipating Melanie's question, she didn't bother to look up as she spoke, "I've gotta go see Brian again, can you finish giving him his breakfast and please don't ask what's going on because all I know is exactly what I told Debbie just now...nothing."

Watching Melanie sit down across from her, Lindsay waited for a stock response or a shot about Brian. Instead of saying anything as expected, Melanie simple reached for the spoon and turned their son's chair to face her.

"Thanks hon." A kiss to Mel's hair, Lindsay trotted off to pull on some clothes.

The other woman had waited until Lindsay was out of earshot before speaking to the hungry toddler in front of her. "Which trusty sidekick do you think will step in to dig him out of his own shit first? Will it be your Mom, will it be Debbie, or will it be Michael? My guess is none of them. The ultimate sidekick has already beaten them all to the punch."

Slurping the cereal off the spoon again, Gus smiled in amusement as a burst of the honey that Lindsay had stirred into the oatmeal filled his little mouth.

Waking up had been a slow process for them both and at just after eleven in San Francisco, Brian identified the tickling of air against his chest before he identified his surroundings. Justin was still further under than he was and Brian took these minutes to rejoin the wonderings that had crowded his thoughts the entire way here. Justin no longer believed in anything that Brian took as being obvious to the other man and for that reason, Brian wasn't sure if it had ever been there in the first place. He might have been building a lie in his own head and it was time to decide whether or not that was true.

Justin stirred a little as the light came in full force over his face and Brian pulled the covers up a little to block some of it. He didn't want Justin to wake up yet and he didn't want to be alone with him in consciousness or outside of the purely sensory dynamic of sex. The words might sting and he would rather postpone the usual dance for every second that it could be avoided.

He heard Justin's stomach growl and he realized the remaining seconds in this...haze...were numbered. Turning in his arms now, the other body stiffened a little as Justin's eyes opened. They were both awake and they were both back. Another night done and time to begin again.

"How long have you been awake?" Justin spoke up and tried to cover his mouth to his imagined morning breath.

"Not long. You hungry?"

"Yeah." Justin would again let Brian steer this wherever he felt comfortable. It would in turn save Justin from being to blame when the whole conversation went off the rails.

"We can order something."

"Let's go downstairs. There's a restaurant isn't there." Despite his view that taking the back seat would keep him blameless, the look on Brian's face spoke volumes of the fact that this conversation had gone off the rails all of Justin's doing.

"Yeah." The other man looked away quickly before fixing his eyes on Justin's face again. "It's alright, although I've never had breakfast there."

Indeed, this would mark the sounding of the bell that ordered both combatants to pull away from each other and return to their marked corners. Brian first and then Justin disentangled himself and sat up a bit on the crumpled sheets. The duvet had been kicked aside and Justin was the first to notice the little spots of blood on the cloth. Touching his cheek a little Justin checked to make sure it wasn't him and Brian held up his palm for him to see.

"It's me. It must have started bleeding again." Brian rolled off the bed and kept his eyes on his hand as he went into the bathroom.

"What's that from?" Watching Brian's disappearing back for a few seconds, Justin turned back to look across the sheets again.

"I cut myself on something. It's nothing." Brian dismissed the question and turned around to turn up the spray. "I'm taking a shower...come in if you want." He called his words through the doorway before pushing the door closed to a crack.

Now that Justin was in the driver's seat, whatever happened in the shower would be his doing.

Lindsay opened the lock and slid the door back on its tracks. She'd beat the rest of the search party here and she was more than concerned for the fact that Brian wouldn't appreciate the intrusion into his space. Eyeing the area of the bedroom, Lindsay identified the fact that there was no one there and she took a few more cautious steps into the loft.

Looking around in the bluish light of a cool morning, she was entirely sure that she wasn't comfortable with being here to be the first to see what there was to see. Her legs wanted to carry her quickly to the bathroom and the images of what she might find there set her stomach to churning. Brian might well be here and if he wasn't in the quiet bedroom, he might well be beyond the dim light of bathroom on the other side of the space. Taking the steps up to the bedroom, Lindsay's legs turned to spun taffy and she felt all the strength and all the resignation to find Brian first seep away from her. Glancing around the room, she thought the sheets looked more slept in than they'd been when she was here earlier and she'd had to put a hand over her mouth to drown out some of the cloying burnt smell that still hung on the air. She pulled her jacket around her a little bit more and she swore she jumped at least three feet as her foot connected with a thin tin ring that looked like the remains of a seal on the neck of a liquor bottle. The crunching of the glass under her feet frightened her even more and her eyes moved reflexively to the chip in the doorframe from the force with which the bottle was thrown. Now more than ever she wanted to go into the bathroom but still her legs refused to move more swiftly than heavy string being blown along in a lack luster breeze.

Frozen by the sound of a key in the lock behind her, she realized that the rest of the expedition had caught up with her. She watched from the doorway of the room as first Debbie, then Michael and then Ben spilled into the loft.

"I don't think we should be in here without at least knocking again first." Ben spoke up as Michael took off in Lindsay's direction. He'd turned to address Ben when Debbie began calling out to anyone in the loft.

"Brian...Justin...you two here? Holy shit, what the hell is burning?" Debbie turned around in the space to look at Michael.

"Shit!" Michael stopped in his tracks and clutched at his chest as Lindsay took a step down from the bedroom and came into view.

"There's broken glass all over the floor and I didn't go into the bathroom." She was vaguely aware of the fact that her throat was closing up a little and she'd never been more frightened in her life.

"What are you doing in here?" Michael missed most if not all of the significance in what she'd said as he came to stand in front of her. He could see that there wasn't any one in the bedroom and he brought a hand up to rub at his nose from the acrid smell. It had been Ben who bounded up the steps and across the room before Debbie could make her way any closer.

Flipping on the light in bathroom, Ben took in the bloodstains all over the sink and counter and he took in the clothes that had been thrown haphazardly across the floor. Not intending for Michael to come in behind him, he turned in the doorway to block the other man's entrance.

"He's not here. There's no one in here." Ben pushed Michael back and tried in vain to keep the other man from seeing the sink.

"Holy fuck." Michael launched himself out of Ben's grip and reached for one of the bloodied towels on the counter.

"Brian cut himself last night when I was here." Lindsay calmed herself enough to come into the bedroom at Ben's announcement that Brian wasn't in there. "He cut his hand so there might still be blood..."

"There's too much blood for a fucking cut on the hand." In full panic mode, Michael turned around in the space to go back into the bedroom. Now devoid of any of the clues that Lindsay had stumbled on earlier, Michael took note of the remains of the joints in the ashtray by the bed and the stiff condom on the floor. He turned around immediately to check for what was missing from Brian's closet and to check to see what was missing from the loft. Brian's overnight bag gone, he passed a hand over the empty hangers in the closet before turning to look at the group again. "Where would he go without his Jeep?"

"Maybe he went to get his hand looked at...if it was bleeding so much?" Ben tried to offer some perspective and it was Debbie who spotted the cheque on the bed.

"What's this doing here? Isn't this Sunshine's from the diner...and from last night." It had dawned on the woman that this was the cheque that Brian had tossed on the table at the diner the morning before and it was the same cheque he'd given to Justin last night. "Justin was here last night." Her contribution to the sleuthing made, she took a step back and almost slid on a large shard of glass. "I can see the warfare didn't end." She eyed Lindsay menacingly having decided that this was proof enough that she was right about Justin not being safe in Brian's company.

"There's probably a perfectly good explanation for all of this. Brian isn't here and since none of us has any right to be in his space, I suggest we all leave before he comes back." Ben tried for the calm voice of reason again and Lindsay nodded from her spot at the doorway.

It had been Michael who shook his head no and Debbie putting her hands to her hips that suggested that the rest of the search party didn't agree that it was time to go.

The telephone started ringing behind them and each turned toward the sound coming from Brian's desk. It rang twice and then a third time and it was Debbie who moved off first to answer it. The machine picked up before she could and Debbie stopped short of her mission.

"If you guys are still over there, and for the record Brian I told them to stay away, Justin just called." Vic's voice sang out of the machine and Debbie reached forward instantly to snatch it up.

"What'd he say?" The woman gasped into the phone.

"He's fine for one. I told you not to go over there and go meddling." The sound of Vic's voice came out of the machine in stereo for all those around to hear even as he continued to talk to Debbie who had the receiver to her ear.

"Where is he?" Debbie ignored the ‘I told you so' and went on with her line of questioning.

"Well here's the kicker. You ready for this...he and Brian are taking some time away because they need to be alone. That's exactly the way he said it and I hope for your sake that you'll take the kid at his word and leave them be." Vic sat back on the couch and waited to hear what protest Debbie would offer at something as frank as that.

"He said that?" She had turned around full circuit to look at the little group behind her and she watched the differing reactions cross their faces. "Well, when are they coming back? Where are they and what the hell happened over here last night?"

"That's none of our business and I think it should stay that way for the next little while. Now get out of there and call everyone you harassed last night and this morning and tell them you're sorry." Vic hung up leaving Debbie in silence and letting the stereo projection from the machine cut away to silence once again.

Broken glass and bloodied towels, it had to have been some fight and some conversation following in order to get that couple on a get away so that "they could be alone".

Walking into the restaurant ahead of Justin, Brian ignored the attention from the smattering of patrons in the place. From the way all eyes focused on their entry you would have thought that they'd each been wearing a crown of flashing lights. Still smarting from the fact that Justin had opted not to join him in the shower, Brian took a seat as it was offered and watched as Justin slid into the chair across from him. They'd been seated against a bank of greenery and that fact managed to cut their visibility from the majority of the patrons in the place.

Having ordered coffee and juice, the two sat back from each other, both wondering who would start up the conversation first. For his part, Brian had been reliving the last few minutes of watching Justin get dressed in the reflection of the mirrored closets in the room. The imagery of Justin's flushed nipples standing out against the paleness of his skin stuck in Brian's mind and he wondered when the last time had been that he'd been able to watch Justin in silence without any implication or any worry from the other man. In the past Justin would have blushed or smiled at noticing the outright attention, but this morning Brian had kept his actions inconspicuous, not wanting to see any other emotion than humor in Justin's reaction. He'd watched Justin's hands, his neck, his cock and he'd let himself remember the guiltlessness of the night before.

Guilt was indeed reserved for the daylight and to Brian, the fact that Justin wouldn't make eye contact or didn't want to stay in the room alone with him, spoke volumes.

"Can I bring either of you gentlemen the paper?" Their waiter approached again and Justin took note of the way the man smiled at Brian. He shook his head no and let his thoughts drift away to the fact that this would be a fact of life in Brian's company. A million walking reasons for Brian's head to turn and a million walking reasons why Brian would never want to be what he wanted him to be.

Brian had told the man no as well and he looked across the table a few minutes later as the waiter returned with their coffees. Justin had been pushing away imaginary hairs from his forehead and Brian kept his eyes firmly on Justin's face as their eyes eventually met. It would seem that they'd each been stealing silent glances at the other and for not the first time in the last long while, Brian wondered what Justin was thinking. ‘A penny for your thoughts' sounded corny and cheap considering the fact that Brian was already forking out a thousand dollars a night for the opportunity to find out what it was that Justin was thinking.

"Would you like to order or do you want some more time?" The uniformed waiter looked down to take note of the fact that neither man had bothered to open the leather bound menus directly in front of them. While the younger man had been toying with his over the last few minutes, it had been each other that both seemed to be studying. "I can give you a few more minutes." Excusing himself after Brian glanced up at him, the waiter moved away and left them to their silent conversation.

It seemed that Justin wasn't as hungry as his stomach had protested...or what they both wanted couldn't be found on the menu.

"You're not hungry anymore?" Brian offered his words while staring intently at Justin's napkin, which had yet to be unfolded.

"I called Vic to tell him where we were. He said that whatever I had to say to you...I should just say it and not to let you beat around the bush either."

Brian looked up immediately and his gaze narrowed as he waited for what else would spill out of Justin's mouth. Watching Justin drop his eyes again, he continued to wait.

"Sometimes...you make me completely miserable." Justin sighed heavily at the thought. "But...I don't feel anything at all that's remotely good unless it's related to you."

Silent for a second or two, Brian huffed a little laugh. "Now, how's that for light breakfast conversation." His words were met with nothing from Justin but blue strobe lights turned on to the darkest recesses of his brain.

Justin demanded honesty from Brian as the price the man would have to pay for having been let in on his thoughts.

"Like this morning Brian, I haven't felt anything like that for a month now."

~To be continued~