"What?" He'd scrubbed his fingers over his face and met the dark eyes of the man who sat facing him. It was obvious that Ethan had been watching him sleep for a little while now.

"Do you remember your dreams when you wake up?" The man had spoken his words haltingly as he watched Justin's expression change with each word uttered. It was obvious that Justin remembered this particular dream.

"Why?" He'd sat up slowly as Ethan finished his question.

"They seem pretty real to you, so I wondered if you remembered them. I usually remember mine."

"Why, did I say something in my sleep?" Justin tried to keep the alarm from reaching his voice or his face. It didn't quite work.

"Brian. You were dreaming about Brian." Ethan pushed his hair away from his eyes and fixed his attention even more intently on Justin's reactions.

"What did I say?" Justin wasn't entirely sure he wanted Ethan to repeat what he knew couldn't possibly be good.

"Don't look so freaked out. Things might change in your conscious world but the subconscious takes a little while to catch up. You were with him for a while Justin, he's bound to cross your mind every now and then." Ethan had reached out to run a hand up Justin's hip to his waist. He pulled Justin closer before finishing his comment. "Anyway, you can learn a lot about a person by watching them sleep."

"What did I say about Brian?" Justin's mind had been looping on the fact that Brian had indeed managed to creep into every corner of his mind and settle in.

"You were having an argument or something with him. You were begging him stop doing something and then you were begging him...not to stop...sounded like you guys used to fight hard and then make up...hard." Ethan's smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean for you to hear any of that..." Justin had been flashing back to how distant Brian had gotten whenever he'd made any kind of reference to Ethan in his presence. If the ice-king himself couldn't stand hearing his boyfriend refer to a piece of music that he liked, then there was no way that Ethan was as cool as he appeared, knowing that the man in his bed had been conjuring up his ex in his dreams.

And in a sex dream at that.

"It's no big deal. Like I said, it was just a dream and in any event..." Ethan paused. He'd paused to enhance the drama of his next comment but all he succeeded in doing was temporarily increasing Justin's worry. "...you can make it up to me." He pressed closer to Justin now and threw his arm completely around Justin's body. "You must have been really tired because you fell asleep before I could tell you my news."

Justin was relishing the opportunity to change the subject but his mind was still reeling from the little he did remember about this dream. If he'd said even half as much as he remembered saying to Brian, then he'd certainly given Ethan an earful about the way things had been between he and Brian behind closed doors.

"What's your news?" Justin focused his attention on Ethan and tried to block all uninvited images of Brian Kinney from his mind. Brian was the past and he would excuse some of his behavior of late in the same way Ethan had. He could chock his behavior up to the fact that Brian was his very recent past...but Justin would try harder to remember that he was the past nonetheless.

"I made the final ten for the competition."

Justin refocused again to find that Ethan was even closer to him now and had been running a hand through his hair. Justin had been thinking about remembering to forget Brian when Ethan began speaking and so he'd had to playback Ethan's words in his head to figure out what had been said.

"The next cuts will be down to three and some people that I know on the board think I'm a shoe-in. Twenty-five thousand dollars, Justin." This time the smile did reach Ethan's eyes. All thoughts of Brian Kinney had been banished from this bed for now.

"I know you'll get it. There isn't anyone better than you." Justin had spoken his words softly. He'd been winding his fingers across Ethan's chest and now he stopped to kiss the man.

"What'd I tell you? I'm a genius." Ethan smiled again. He'd pulled away from Justin's lips only long enough to breathe these words before finding Justin's mouth again.

"Yeah, I remember you saying something like that." Justin had let Ethan pull him over on top of him as Ethan rolled over on to his back. The mattress had protested the sudden movement but neither man noticed it.

"I want to celebrate tonight. What do you wanna do?" Ethan had reached up to run both hands over Justin's face, savoring the feel of Justin's weight on him. He hadn't missed any of the other man's distraction and he was now determined to keep Justin's attention and focus for the rest of the evening. They'd make their own memories to erase the ones that haunted Justin's thoughts.

"Friday night with no where to go first thing in the morning? I can think of something." Justin had pushed Ethan's thighs open with his body and settled his full weight on top of the other man. He was trying his hand at being playful and he would try to dismiss the last lingering images of Brian's face.

The face that lay below him offered him something unconditional and complete. It was what he'd wanted and he'd give this man as fair a chance as he had hoped Brian would have given him.

Six weeks earlier, Brian had fixed his stare on the computer screen and he listened to the familiar whine of the freight elevator slowing its way to the top floor. It hadn't been the first time that he had waited for Justin this way but it turned out to be the last.

Brian saved the little work he'd managed to do and leaned back in his chair. He'd been impatiently waiting for the fallout having 'introduced" Justin to the man that Brian knew was his lover at the diner earlier.

Brian had known Justin would make sure to be home early that night and he'd in turn left work early so that they could get this over with. All the cards were on the table now and this was what the last two years would come down to.

He listened as Justin's key slid into the lock and he heard when the catch turned and the lock released. Everything seemed to be going in slow motion and Brian was on the verge of screaming for Justin to come in already so that they could finish what they'd started. None of this urgency showed on the outside though. On the outside, he looked like he was paying rapt attention to whatever he was working on and on the outside he didn't betray any of the humorless pain he was feeling.

Brian drifted away for a few moments and he could still see the look on Justin's face as they ate their quiet lunch after Ethan's retreat. As reserved as Justin had been over the last few weeks, nothing compared to the pure silence with which Justin watched him. Justin had apparently forgotten that Brian's method for dealing with a wound was neither to treat it nor ignore it. Brian's method was and had always been to make the cut deeper. If he was going to bleed, then he was going to make sure that he bled until he couldn't feel anything anymore. Justin had remembered this detail at some point during lunch and he'd sat in stunned silence as he tried to figure out what he wanted to do to wash some of Brian's blood off his hands.

"Brian." The smell of Justin's shampoo had pushed its way to Brian's nose in the instant that he made his way through the door and Brian took a deep breath before holding up a finger to silence him.

He'd made a few nonsensical changes to the text he'd been working on before looking up to meet Justin's eyes. The fact that the younger man was standing this close to him told Brian that there had been no fucking on the side today and Brian took some strange pleasure in knowing that he'd at least managed to break Justin's stride in this way.

"I'm sorry." Justin spoke his words honestly.

"What for?" The man was finding it very hard to keep his voice even.

"You know what for. I never meant for it to happen."

"I know. You were the poor helpless victim of a love bashing." Brian had meant his words to sting and he'd seen Justin flinch slightly at the comment. If he had to feel this, then Brian was hell bent on making sure that Justin felt it too.

"I should have told you about him." Justin genuinely regretted what he'd done.

Brian huffed a small bitter laugh. "And taken all the fun out of it?" It had been anything but fun watching Justin pull away from him each night and he didn't doubt that it had been as unpleasant for Justin to live.

Justin dropped his eyes slightly before finding Brian's face again and the two locked stares before Brian looked away.

"So how big's his dick?" The man had pushed away and leaned back in his chair as he looked at the computer screen again. He hadn't meant to shut down the conversation with his comments, so he'd thrown this question out to keep Justin talking.

"That has nothing to do with it." The younger man turned to move away. He'd honestly felt badly about the way he'd handled having Ethan in his life but it was shit like this that reminded him why he needed more.

"Since when?" Brian got up from his chair quickly and covered the distance between he and Justin. "You love cock." He'd had to force his way closer to Justin to reach the man's lips for a kiss as he reached down to unbutton his jeans. "You love it down your throat. You love it up your ass. You love riding it... and after you come, you love to fall asleep with it still inside you."

"Cut it out..." Justin tried to pull away from Brian's hand and what it was doing to his body. "..cut it out." That Brian Kinney turned him on had never been in doubt.

"You're hard now so don't tell me it doesn't matter." Brian pulled away only after filling his lungs with Justin's scent. It had really been a long time since he'd held him and smelled just him.

"There are other things." Justin called out his words as he watched Brian retreat to the kitchen. Erection and sex aside, he had come back here today to plead with Brian for more than just the guarantee of a good fuck.

"Like flowers...picnics...violin music?" Brian spoke his words mockingly while pushing away the voice at the back of his head that nagged the fact that he would have done any one of those things if only Justin hadn't turned such a spotlight on them.

"He loves me." Justin pleaded with Brian.

A solid punch to the gut and Brian could easily have doubled over had he not been holding on to the refrigerator door at the time. He'd had to look at something other than Justin in that second because now the betrayal was real. The fact that Justin had been fucking around was nothing. The fact that Justin had lied to him caused Brian great discomfort. But what Brian found unbearable was the fact that Justin had let his emotions get involved.

"Your dreamy eyed school boy." Brian turned to look at him when he thought he had the stomach to do it.

"In ways that you can't." Justin spoke his words quietly and waited. He and Brian had slipped into an uncomfortable debate and this was Justin's parting volley. He hadn't said it in hopes that Brian would rebut it. He'd finally managed to put words to some of the things he'd been feeling and the thought had simply flowed out of his mouth as it flowed into his mind.

'How the fuck can you compare him to me Justin?' Brian screamed his words inside his head. He didn't speak his thought out loud so he didn't warn Justin that this was not the way to go about things.

"In ways that I won't." Brian's tone was cool. The words left Brian's face feeling numb and heavy and he'd said them to push Justin, not out but to actually push him back in. Just the same way that Justin had used Ethan's declaration in hopes of making Brian see the proverbial light, Brian had hoped that seeing the end looming on the horizon would make Justin wise up.

"He told me that I'm all he wants." Justin had pushed on to do even more damage than Brian had thought possible.

"They're still using that one?" Clipped and cool, this was Brian's way of telling Justin that it was all bullshit. How could this kid he'd known all of a month find these depths of love and make such declarations for a person he didn't know?

Fucking didn't count and as far as Brian was concerned it never counted. Beyond fucking, he'd given Justin so much and he was finding it hard to believe that Justin could have forgotten it all based on a few well-placed whispers during pillow talk.

"It's more than you've ever said."

Brian had moved toward Justin in these moments because he could actually feel him slipping away. He'd wanted the chance to feel him before they finished saying the things that they wouldn't be able to take back. "And it's more than I ever will, so...what the fuck are you still doing here?" Brian held the other man close and closed his eyes.

"Would you care if I wasn't?" Justin's voice cracked a little and Brian heard it. Justin had laid his pride to waste yet again and was begging Brian for something...anything.

Brian didn't hear things that way and he opened his eyes and pulled away from Justin as soon as the reality of the comment hit home. It was one thing for Justin to threaten abandonment in hopes of delivering a wake up call but it was an entirely different thing for him to honestly consider leaving.

Brian pulled back to make sure he was reading Justin right and he took in the lost look in the other man's eyes. Despite what he said or didn't say in this moment, Justin had been considering leaving him and that could mean only one thing for Brian.

There had never been any locks on their doors and if Justin didn't choose to stay then Brian wasn't sure that he even wanted him to.

Brian pulled back to meet Justin's eyes and looked at him for a long while. The fact that Justin could even question what he felt hurt him more than any other comment they had spoken. "It's your call where you wanna be...you decide." Brian let his fingers play over Justin's skin and he brushed against him as he moved away. Moments like these were a dying breed and Brian all but fell in on himself as his fingers slipped away from Justin's face. He didn't even need one hand to count the number of times that he would touch Justin like that again and he could feel it.

Justin stood shell-shocked as Brian walked away. He had spent the last few hours before coming back to the loft sitting in the park up the street thinking about what it would take for him to stay and never see Ethan Gold again. He'd come here to tell Brian that his list of demands was nowhere near as long as he'd made them back at Babylon all those months ago. Justin figured that he'd been stupid to think those affectations actually meant that Brian and he would be okay and today his list included only one demand.

Justin watched as Brian settled into his chair and rested his head against his hand. He'd taken note of the way that Brian had almost collapsed as he sat down and he'd felt his own share of weakness at the thought that he'd helped to bring them to this point.

"I only wanted one thing Brian." Justin whispered his words to the other man as he crossed the room to stand behind his chair. He watched as Brian lowered his head to rest it in both palms.

"Get out of here Justin. You don't owe me anything, least of all an explanation." Brian sat motionless and waited for Justin to leave.

He'd stayed in that same spot for the next four hours before shutting off the computer and the lights and making himself undress. He hadn't expected Justin to make his curfew that night or any other night after that and he was reeling from the fact that Justin had actually left.

He'd still been reliving that moment when the other man returned at just after midnight and had he been honest, Brian would have admitted that for a little while there, he would have accepted Justin back to stay. Even though the sadness that bled from Justin's every pore was enough to tell Brian that his lover had only come back because tonight someone else didn't want him, Brian had willingly held on as they closed their eyes. Touching Justin's skin and hearing him breath, some part of Brian had been willing to settle for second choice if it meant that Justin had actually made a decision to stay.

Brian picked his way through the crowd on a mission. He'd spotted his eleven o'clock fuck toy by the bar and been pushing off intruding hands as he made his way across the space. He hadn't been going to Babylon during any of the nights he thought he might see all too familiar faces but he'd been ordering his tricks in or popping into the club to pick up takeout nonetheless.

Brian stopped at the end of bar to order himself a drink. He'd casually made sure that the tall blonde hadn't moved from where he stood before turning to survey the mass of bodies around him. He didn't spot Emmett, Ted or Michael and he downed his shot quickly in hopes of being able to leave the place without running into them. He'd had to abandon many a run at Babylon in the last few weeks and had to go to some other club, just to get away from these particular well wishers.

Brian felt an arm slip casually around his waist and he turned to identify the man whose head he was about to tear off. It was one thing to fuck, but an entirely other thing for a trick to make himself familiar or to do anything affectionate.

This contact had felt all too affectionate to Brian and all too familiar.

The trick from across the bar lost his nerve for a second and loosened his arm slightly. He'd gotten back his shot of courage only when he thought he saw recognition pass over Brian's face. "You were taking your time so I thought I'd meet you halfway."

Brian thought about the man's words and right away part of him didn't want to fuck him so much anymore. This trick assumed things. He'd assumed Brian had chosen him even though Brian hadn't made eye contact with him more than once in all the time he'd been tracking him. For some reason this unabashed confidence didn't sit well with Brian.

"More like you wanted to come over before I saw something better and changed my mind." Brian offered these words by leaning in and letting his breath tickle across the man's ear. He'd pulled back only to offer the man a cold smirk.

The words were harsh and even though Brian had offered them in a cold monotone, everything he was doing was about pure seduction. It would have done Brian no good to let this all too 'affectionate' trick continue with the assumption that he'd met someone that he could touch this way or to think he had the upper hand. Brian had felt the man pull his arm back a little further and by the look on the man's face, his message had been delivered loud and clear.

These little details having been settled, Brian reached forward and grabbed the front of the man's jeans and pulled him closer. He'd pressed his erection against the man's thigh as their bodies made contact. "How much can you take?"

The man glanced down Brian's body to his cock and rolled his lips into his mouth reflexively. "All of it. Let's go to your place."

"No. This isn't an all-nighter. I want you up against a wall in back." Brian didn't pause to give the man a choice in the matter before pushing off the bar and stalking toward the back room. For all the body heat around him, Brian could feel the heat of the man close behind him as clear as day.

He'd just passed through the entry way to the back hall and started down the stairs when Michael spotted him from across the room. Michael had tried to call out to him, but Brian was out of sight before he could form the words.

"If history has taught you anything honey, it's that you should never follow Brian in there." Emmett had taken hold of Michael's arm to dissuade him from what he knew Michael had intended to do and Ben had smiled his agreement. Some people mind fucked themselves into believing they could forget if only they just focused and tried hard enough. Brian on the other hand wasn't averse to seeking out help in forgetting. In times like this he didn't need anything but hard cock, willing ass and an abundant supply of hallucinogens.

Brian pulled the man close behind him as they picked their way through a throng of bodies fucking and rubbing in every possible position and on every available surface. He'd chosen as secluded a spot as the backroom could offer on a busy Friday night and pressed the man up against the wall.

The room was dark and the lighting from the television monitors around the space cast dark shadows on everything. Brian found the trick's eyes and leaned in to lick across his mouth. He'd only returned to kissing these men over the last few weeks and everything about his kissing of late was carnal and urgent. Affection and tenderness no longer resided in many of the things that Brian did.

Brian ground his crotch against the other man's body and felt the tickle of breath as the man exhaled sharply. The couple next to them was on the verge of orgasm and the man on top kept announcing the impending event to no one in particular. Ignoring that show, Brian stepped in close and let his lips play over the trick's throat. He'd reached down to unzip the man's fly before reaching in to pull out the hard on the man had been pressing against him as they'd searched out this spot in the room.

Brian stroked him firmly and watched the lust play over the man's features. He'd always gotten off on driving his lovers wild long before the actual fucking began.

Pushing the man's pants over his hips, Brian turned him around so that his face was against the wall and his back was pressed firmly against Brian's body. He'd continued to jerk the man in his fist, ignoring his own erection and ignoring the climax next to them.

The trick reached back to try to rub Brian through his jeans and Brian shifted slightly to let the man reach him. All the while that he continued his assault on the man's cock, Brian had been licking at his throat and rolling his face through the thick curls of the man's hair. Brian and the trick hadn't noticed that their neighbors had now taken to watching them while they relished in their afterglow.

Brian pulled back long enough to undo his belt and fly. No underwear to slow his progress, the trick sucked in deep breaths as he watched Brian roll the condom over his length. The man had practically been panting as he pushed his face harder against the wall and pushed back closer to Brian's body.

"I'm gonna fuck you so hard your ass will be out of commission for a week." Brian licked over the trick's ear again as he dragged his cock head up and down the man's crack. There was definitely something to be said about pushing these men to the brink before using his cock to send them into freefall.

Brian had only pulled back briefly before finding the man's hole and pushing in hard and sharp. He hadn't been trying to hurt this man but he had warned him that he was in for a rough ride.

The trick reached back to find Brian's body and hold on. He'd needed to hold on to something to keep back the moans that threatened to turn into screams as Brian continued impossibly harder and deeper inside him. Brian on the other hand hadn't missed any of the man's attempts to maintain control. He taken note of the man's rough breathing and he'd continued to quicken his pace until this particular backroom exploit became the center of attention for all those around them.

With a sizable audience to their fucking, Brian continued to pummel the man until the edges of his own vision had started to blur. Reality having long since been forgotten, Brian pushed against the warm body to ride out the waves of his orgasm. He'd worked hard for this next minute of oblivion and he closed his eyes as it took him.

Justin crawled out of Ethan's bed just after midnight. He'd found himself waking up in time to go home, then remembering and lying awake waiting for sleep to take him once again. Ethan hadn't woken up this time and Justin had been relieved not to have to see the equal parts disappointment and worry in the man's eyes as he recognized the significance of the timing. No matter how much Ethan pretended that it didn't bother him, Justin knew how he felt about the uninvited third member of their relationship.

Justin had pulled a sheet around himself to quiet the chill in the room and moved to sit on the sofa. From this vantage point Justin could see the space around him, he could see out the window across the room and he could see Ethan asleep. He tried hard not to turn his mind to the fact that he'd spent many a night in another apartment doing just this same thing.

Ethan shifted in his sleep and Justin tensed. He'd been thinking back to the night he went back to Brian after Ethan made him leave. He'd been thinking about the way that Brian held on to him and molded himself to his body. Brian hadn't so much as looked at him when he'd told him to leave earlier but then in the dark of the night, Brian had held him so tight and he hadn't let go once.

As soon as the sex was over, 'he' was back.

All of it was back. The haunting that followed Brian around at every minute and the memories that lived and breathed in the loft just waiting for him to come home so that they could play. All of it flooded back on the same path as the blood to his brain and Brian couldn't think or breath or move without triggering a memory or seeing something that his mind would loop on for the next few minutes. This was the down side to completely letting go or letting his mind focus on any one particular thing. Just like every action had a reaction, any period of utter and total oblivion and any freedom from his haunting came at the cost of a tidal wave of memories when it was all over.

Brian took the stairs out of the back room in twos and took a deep breath of the sweat and the smoke that filled the air in the main area of the club. He'd let his eyes pan around the room to gain his bearings before moving off towards a face that he recognized even under the pulsing light of the room.

His trick had failed to do the trick so to speak and Brian was in search of a distraction that would last at least a few hours. He'd come up next to the man before slipping an arm around his shoulder and flicking a fifty under the man's nose.

"Give me something you know I'll like." Brian eyed the pusher and watched as the man smiled and reached out for the money. He'd slipped a small package into Brian's hand in the same fluid movement and then moved off to spread his charms elsewhere.

"What are you doing?" Michael came out of nowhere.

"Getting high. What does it look like I'm doing?" Brian unrolled the brown paper and shook three pills out on to his palm. He'd popped all three into his mouth before reaching out to take Michael's beer and bringing it to his lips.

"You don't even know what that shit is and you're taking all three?" Michael had reached up to snatch his bottle back from Brian's hands as he eyed the taller man.

"With my luck it'll be fucking horse tranquilizers." Brian raised his voice a little to be heard above the driving beat of the music. He'd slipped back into his breathing technique just after leaving the back room so Michael was met with his familiar nonchalance.

"Let me drive you home." Michael reached over to put his bottle on the bar before turning back to face Brian.

"Mikey go play wifey slash nursemaid with Ben. He looks like he misses you." Brian gestured towards a very concerned looking Ben who was leaning against the railing above them. He'd flattened a palm to Michael's chest before pushing him away gently.

Michael grabbed hold of Brian's arm as he pulled away and Brian stopped to look back at him. "I didn't tell you to cause problems between you two. If anything, I figured that if you knew then you'd fix things." Michael's words hit at Brian's ears like a ton of bricks. Michael still hadn't said the name but he'd already said enough to bring on a cramping in Brian's stomach that had nothing to do with the mysterious pills.

Michael wasn't sure that was what he'd intended to say when he grabbed Brian's arm but he knew that he'd been meaning to offer that apology for some time now. Michael glanced away as he saw the puzzlement spread across Brian's face.

Brian rolled his lips into his mouth and took a moment to refocus his breathing. Just like when Michael had first thought to shine a light on Justin's lover, the noise of the club around them faded away and everything seemed to slow down. Brian had known Michael long enough to recognize his friend's way of apologizing but as deep as he was into his month long haunting, Brian heard it as an accusation.

He'd reached up to lace his fingers around the back of Michael's neck before pulling him close and pressing his forehead to Michael's. "We all have choices Mikey. He didn't owe me shit so stop taking credit for things you don't have the power to do and stop making it my responsibility to fix other people's fuck ups." Brian had spoken his words against Michael's skin and Michael felt them as much as he heard them. Now Brian tipped Michael's face back to look at his eyes before leaning in press his lips to Michael's.

Brian had pulled away a moment later leaving his friend to watch him disappear into the grinding crowd.

Brian slipped a cigarette between his lips and focused on steadying the lighter in his hands. The pills had started to wind their way through his limbs and joints first and he was having trouble getting his body to keep time with his commands. He moved slowly through the exit of the club and pushed a palm against the brick exterior of the building in order to steady himself. He'd spent the last few minutes on the receiving end of a blowjob that he only remembered because his dick was still wet. Relief with trick number two of the evening having been even more temporary, now Brian welcomed the muddiness that his recent self-medication was bringing him.

He'd found himself thinking about everything but the sex during the entire time the other man was on his knees and the headache that had stopped only after he dropped his mother off and pulled out of the driveway had returned with a vengeance.

"Want some company?" A man with grey eyes stepped up close to Brian.

In his mind he'd told the trick he wasn't interested but in reality Brian hadn't said a word and just kept walking. Still keeping one hand against the brick wall to keep his balance he'd been making his way to where he thought he remembered parking the Jeep.

"You're in no shape to drive asshole." The trick called from behind him and Brian gave him the finger. He'd been amused with himself that he'd managed to command that precise movement of his hand in this new floating condition.

Brian reached for his keys and fumbled around for a few seconds waiting for the right one to slip home. He pulled the door open with some effort and hauled himself into the driver's seat. He'd contemplated going back inside and taking Michael up on his offer of a lift but decided against it.

There was something very uplifting about this buzz and he didn't want any more references to reality to crush his mood.

Brian laid his head back against the leather upholstery and closed his eyes. Just thinking about Michael had brought back the man's reference to Justin and Brian winced as he and Justin's last real intimacy drilled through his temples. Brian had shaken his head to clear the thoughts of Justin crying next to him while he held him in silence and he concentrated on fitting the key into the ignition.

There had never been any locks on their doors. There had never been anything to keep them inside or to keep anyone else out. These thoughts pushed a shiver down Brian's spine and he credited the drug for his reaction as the engine roared to life.

A few miles away Justin shivered too. He'd had no drug in his system to credit with his reaction.

~ To be continued ~