When he was fourteen, his parents took a test run at getting divorced.

"Test run," offered the best description because it seemed like they'd worked out all the kinks back then and had only to pick the actual date and the actual events that would spur the final decision. Last year when it finally happened, he'd come to realize that deals had long since been brokered and documents had long since been signed deciding who would get what and who would get who.

He remembered being blindly sure that it was his fault and that he'd fucked up their lives so-immensely by pushing them to a point from which no relationship could recover. He'd remembered thinking this way until someone had told him differently.

"We make our own pain". Justin could hear the words in his ears and he could still feel Brian's breath on his cheek as he'd said it. That was something Brian had told him very clearly and that was one message that hadn't gotten lost in the translation from Brian speak to Justin speak.

This thought had just hit home for some reason and now on some level Justin wondered if Brian even remembered telling him that.

Justin's millisecond retrospective came to an abrupt halt as Brian's fingers grazed his in the effort that it took to pass the squirming toddler from one body to the next. He'd watched the man closing the distance to cross the room and he'd been thrown into flashback reels about a lot of the things that had passed between them.

"C'mere snot face. Let's see if you can't give your old man a cold by the time the weekend's over." Brian settled Gus into the crook of his arm and smoothed the back of the baby's t-shirt as he did it. Part of him had cut his own jaunt down memory lane short in an effort to get himself out of this house and away from Justin as soon as possible. "Do you need a ride somewhere?" Brian had lifted his eyes in Justin's general direction but hadn't looked at the other man.

"No...um...I walked over. I can make it back by myself." He hadn't thought about his answer to Brian's offer and he hadn't meant to sound as dismissive as he had.

"I'm sure you can." Brian turned on his heels and took a deep breath. He focused his attention on not listening to Justin's movements behind him.

Brian hadn't been offended by the man's comment so much as he'd been chastising himself for making the offer in the first place. There was a certain unspoken aspect to his offer that neither had been prepared to acknowledge and Brian had been stupid to bring out into the open.

There was no way in hell that Justin would accept an offer from his ex-lover to drive him home to his new ‘love'.

"Fresh air and all." Justin offered his weak explanation and an even weaker smile as Brian turned to look at him from over his shoulder. Brian had swallowed a little but other than that, offered no reaction to Justin's words.

Justin watched the set of Brian's shoulders for a few more seconds before starting back on a track that seemed a little bit more grounded in reality.

"The Jeep? What happened to it?" In his head, Justin was still flipping through the thought of that long time conversation. Most people would never peg Brian Kinney for the type to give sage advice, but Justin had always known the part of Brian that refused to let some things go unsaid. The part of Brian that was never above giving anyone a well needed kick in the ass or saving anyone from themselves. He'd have been the first to tell you the lowdown and call you on your bullshit when no one else would.

That part of Brian had been in full operation when it came to most every issue, but had been on hiatus when it came to anything that had been brewing between he and Justin. That part of Brian had stood on the sidelines and for all intents and purposes, it was still watching from the sidelines.

"Had a little accident. No big deal." Brian sounded dead. Michael would have recognized the tone, Cynthia would have recognized the tone and Joan Kinney would have recognized the tone.

Justin listened to the explanation and he figured there was no reason for him to buy it. Brian had referred to the Jeep as a ‘company car' but Justin had been close enough to make fun of the man's attachment to the thing.

He'd watched Brian's shoulders slump even more and he'd decided that it wasn't the weight of the baby in the man's arms that was causing it.

"Can I tell you something?" Justin slowly sat down on the sofa behind where Brian stood and waited.

"Why ask permission now? You never did." Brian called over his shoulder. Gus had looked at him just then and the kid had looked very serious. No more fidgeting and no more gurgling. For all of his two and a half years the baby had looked like he was about to deck Brian for that last comment.

Maybe the kid had inherited a little of the no nonsense ass-kicker gene and since Brian seemed to be on vacation in that department, Gus was all the more willing to take up his role.

Brian blinked a little, deciding that he'd imagined something in the all too similar eyes that simply wasn't there. His ears would sting when Justin finally responded to his comment.

"I figured I'd ask because all the other times that I didn't, you never listened to me." Brian turned around and Justin met Brian's gaze with a sharp look. For the second time in as many seconds, Brian would meet a similar look on his son's face.

Brian having been properly silenced, Justin continued. "I'm not happy." He'd made this statement while watching Brian's face.

"Why not? His cock not as big as you'd originally thought?" Brian huffed a little laugh before rolling his lips into his mouth. He'd been avoiding Gus's attention and chose instead to focus on the wall directly in front of where he stood.

"Your cock was plenty big enough and I still wasn't happy with you." Justin spoke slowly and softly and he eyed Brian as the man was forced to drop his eyes to look directly at his face. "I don't know why I'm telling you that, but I figured, since nobody's even dared to ask, then what the hell, you might as well hear it from the horse's mouth." Justin smiled ruefully and then stood up from the chair. He didn't bother to look at Brian anymore, having decided that he could no longer stand to look at the coldness that the man was eyeing him with.

Justin had been pushing his sleeves up on his forearms as he moved towards his backpack on the other side of the room. He'd felt his blood pressure rising as he came closer to the statue that now housed his former lover.

Justin hadn't been anticipated an interception and he stood frozen for a second as Brian reached for his arm. The man had been balancing Gus on one side while holding Justin and the contact of his fingers on Justin's bare arm sent heat and blood right through Brian's whole body.

Justin looked up to meet Brian's attention and tried hard to read the look the man was giving him. Brian's eyes were just as desolate and just as cold as they'd been before. If not for the heat from his hand, ‘statuary' would have indeed been an apt description of this man.

"Why are you telling me this?" Brian's voice was deep and his breath was hot against Justin's face. They weren't standing that closely but despite the cool facades, the mild proximity was doing them both in.

"I told you. It just sort of came out. I don't know why I'm telling you that." Justin shrugged his shoulders and dropped his eyes to look at the arm that Brian held him with. Justin could feel himself touching every strand of the short soft hairs and he could feel every cord of muscle even though both his hands remained motionless at his sides.

"Your musician not able to keep you in the style to which you've become accustomed?" Brian's mouth offered his words wryly and Brian's mind and body cried out for it to shut up.

Justin looked up to try again in reading Brian's mind. "I can't read you Brian." He'd whispered his words. "I think we're here like this right now because I could never read you as well as I'd thought." Justin felt a certain burning behind his eyes and he was willing himself to hold his ground.

"That why you stopped trying?" Brian's mouth alone spoke up again. It seemed all other parts had been relegated to the sidelines and it had happened against their will.

"I..." Justin fell silent as the phone on the table began to ring. He dropped his eyes to watch Brian release his arm and step back from him.

"You get it." Brian was cold and desolate again. Even colder and more desolate than Justin had remembered moments before.

"Hello." Justin had crossed the room to pick up the phone and now he stood with his back to Brian on purpose. He'd tried to be discrete as he wiped at the corners of his eyes but Brian had recognized the movements for exactly what they were. He'd taken his own moment to regroup and he'd set Gus down in his playpen before taking a deep breath and moving to the kitchen for some space.

"Justin. It's Lindsay. How are things there?" Justin could hear the sounds of announcements over the P.A. and he could here the muffled sounds of Mel hurrying Lindsay's call along.

"Everything's fine." Justin's voice cracked a little and he cleared his throat. He'd heard when Brian left the room and now he turned to look at Gus who'd now seemed to find peace with sitting in his pen.

"That's good. Look sweetie, I still can't find Brian. I'm not really worried because you know how Brian can be. He'll show up eventually and find a way to blame me for his not..."

Justin cut in after a second or two. "Brian's here Lindsay. He got here a little while ago and we're getting Gus ready to go with him."

"He did? That shit. Did he say why he was so late? Let me talk to him."

Lindsay rushed her words partly due to the fact that Mel was cutting her glares as their boarding call was announced for the third time.

"He said he had an accident and the Jeep looks pretty messed up so I believe him. Hang on and I'll get him if you want." Justin didn't wait to hear Lindsay's response. He'd simply set the receiver down on the table and turned to call to Brian from the kitchen. As soon as he'd heard the footfalls of Brian coming back, he'd crossed the room quickly and ducked into the downstairs washroom. For his quickness, he'd only had to suffer through meeting Brian's deadened gaze for a split second or two.

"What?" Justin could hear Brian's side of the conversation more clearly than he'd wanted to behind this closed door. He'd dropped both hands on the basin to steady himself and kept his head down as he listened.

"I'm here now aren't I, so no need to get your panties in a knot."

"I don't give a fuck what Mel predicted and don't forget to tell her that I said so."

"Lindsay...Lindsay...save the fucking lecture for when you get back. You can even ask Justin, you and Melanie have first dibs on chewing my nuts off when you get back here and I promise you, all coupons will be honored." Brian drawled his words and Justin could hear the familiar clink of a heavy glass being set down on a table. He'd raised his eyes to look into the mirror and he'd begun to list for himself all the reasons why he shouldn't be here right now and why he shouldn't still be feeling the feelings he was feeling right now.

"Why do you automatically assume I was high or drunk when it happened. I wasn't driving drunk and I wasn't driving high." Brian lied. "...and I fucking know better than to take Gus if I was still messed up." He'd added something that was the gospel truth. "The last and only time my car got totaled, I was the victim of a crime, remember." Brian huffed and Justin winced before swallowing hard.

Justin's previous list had been forgotten as another one had started to form in his mind. ‘Brian stood up for me. Brian stood by me. Brian took me in. Brian took care of me. Brian saved my life. Brian...'

"Well far be it from me to sing of my own virtues. After all it's fucking common knowledge that I'm a heartless piece of shit who couldn't give a good goddamned fuck about anything but fucking and myself."

Justin's stomach cramped at those words and he leaned further over the sink to run the faucets. He'd wanted to wash his face and he'd also wanted to drown out the sound of Brian's voice in the other room. That mission accomplished, he didn't hear Brian's next few words.

"I'm leaving as soon as I get all the shit you have him traveling with into my Jeep."

"Why the hell would he take a ride from me? He's barely taking anything from me as it is."

"Keep the dyke meddling to a minimum on this trip Lindsay. If you can do that during one yenta fest with Mel's family then maybe you can put your newly learned skills into action when you get back." Brian turned to eye the closed washroom door and dropped his voice slightly.

"And I'm warning you. Don't you say a word to him about that stuff with his school." Brian waited for Lindsay to offer her promise not to leak what she'd only discovered by accident during a recent trip to the loft and he listened to Mel practically pull the phone from Lindsay's grasp before hanging up.

The drink waiting for him on the table seemed like a welcomed soothing for the penance he'd served during that single conversation alone. He'd slumped into a chair and finished his drink in the space of time that it took Justin to come out of his hiding spot. Brian had quickly taken in the reddened look of the younger man's face and the wetness around his hairline and he recognized it for what it was. He'd been nothing if not observant and in the time he'd been living with Justin, he learned Justin's reactions to stress and what the man did to offer himself some relief. It seemed Justin had been feeling the pressure of this reunion much the same as he had and he'd sought relief in cool water as opposed to the cool drink that Brian had opted for.

"I'm gonna go now. Here's the key Lindsay left but I'm sure that you still have yours on your bunch anyway so you can lock up. Just give this back to her for me or leave it here for when she gets back or whatever." Justin stumbled over his words weakly and pulled his backpack up on his shoulder.

He'd set the key down on the coffee table and he'd lifted his eyes to confirm the cold manner he'd observed from Brian moments earlier. He'd prepared himself for finding it there once again.

Brian leaned forward to set his glass on the coffee table and focused his lowered eyes on the slight fraying on Justin's jean clad legs before him.

He hadn't looked up in response to Justin's words because he hadn't been able to. "Let me drive you home." Brian's voice was a low rumble.

"Brian, you obviously know that I'm staying with Ethan. I don't want you to drive me there." Justin spoke weakly. The force with which he'd challenged Brian's earlier bullshit having washed away down the drain.

"You look like shit." Brian raised his eyes to find Justin's face. "You're getting one of your headaches, aren't you?" He hadn't waited for Justin's response, instead standing and finding Gus's bag and car seat, before reaching down to lift the baby out of the pen. "Give me directions to some place a block away and you can walk from there. The fiddler will never have to know and you'll get home before you pass out." Brian tossed his words over his shoulder as he moved toward the door. He glanced back to make sure Justin was following him before he pulled the door open and stepped outside.

Ethan opened the door to the busy restaurant and stepped inside. He scanned the room knowing that he wouldn't find a particular blonde. He hadn't spent much time on Liberty but he'd known that this place existed.

"Justin's not here." Debbie had looked over when the bell above the door sounded and she'd recognized the young man instantly. She'd been privy to witnessing him playing ‘fly' to Brian's ‘spider' during the little scene the man had staged at the diner and she'd seen Justin leave with him during the ultimate staged event of the Rage party.

"I'm not looking for him." Ethan made his way to the counter across from where Debbie stood. "I'm looking for someone who can tell me about Brian Kinney."

Debbie took in the nervous look on the man's face and decided to be kind.

"A lot of folks in here could tell you a lot of things about Brian Kinney, but I suspect that's not the kind of information you're looking for."

Debbie popped her gum a little and smiled as she leaned in closer. "I'm Debbie kiddo and what can I get you to eat?"

"I don't really want anything to eat, I just need to..." Ethan spoke as he chose a stool at the counter and sat down.

"You're gonna eat. That much you and Brian do have in common." Debbie laughed her laugh. "People having to practically force feed you to get something down." Debbie reached for an order pad and wrote out an order that she didn't even run by Ethan first. "This'll do to fill you up and if you can keep that down while we talk, I'd say you were one up on Brian."

She'd alluded to her last drop in at the loft wherein she'd disturbed the man's vomiting. He'd said it was due to food poisoning and threatened to sue, while she'd known it was due to their conversation at the diner that she'd followed him home to continue.

That story left for another day, Debbie refocused her attention on the man that sat across from her.

"How do you know Brian?" Ethan asked.

"Look. I'll answer most of your questions because without a little info, you're not gonna survive the fallout that's bound to happen. Justin is a good kid and if he thinks you'll make him happy or happier than he was with Brian, I say more power to him and more power to you. You'll get enough out of me to have a fighting chance, but that's it. A lot of my Brian info is off limits." Debbie regarded Ethan seriously and waited for him to accept her terms.

When he nodded, she continued. "First, tell me something about you. Sunshine's still not talking about a lot of it and so I miss out on the details of a fresh new love." The woman had turned back to sweetness and light and it threw Ethan a bit.

"Um...I play violin. Justin and I met at one of my recitals a while back." Ethan reached down to strum his fingers over the paper placemat in front of him.

"Did you know about Brian when you two met?" Debbie eyed him carefully. She'd been well aware of how things worked between ‘the boys' and how loose the rules seemed to be about some relationships but she'd never in all her life been able to abide a ‘home wrecker'.

"Not at first. But I knew before anything happened between Justin and me." He'd met her glare squarely and watched her purse her lips a little. She'd obviously identified his unspoken challenge.

"You're all grown ups here." Debbie shrugged a little before adding with a certain measure of sarcasm, "Who am I to tell you what rules to play by?"

She'd turned to reach for the coffee pot behind her before flipping Ethan's cup over and pouring him some.

"So, about Brian?" Ethan reached up to push his hair out of his eyes before looking at Debbie once again. She'd been taken aback a bit by the sadness in the younger man's eyes and she listened intently as he continued speaking. "I know he's loaded, I know he's beautiful, I've heard that he's an amazing fuck and I know Justin is still in love with him. What was that about you telling me something that would help me survive the fallout?" Ethan smiled ruefully.

Debbie matched his smile before reaching out to stroke his cheek gently. She'd felt an instant attachment to Justin and all her boys and now she felt a similar pull to this one. "Brian is trouble, Brian is an asshole, Brian is temperamental, but Brian is a good man and Brian is still very much in love with Justin." She watched as Ethan's face fell a little before patting his cheek again. "Now drink your coffee and I'll see how your order is coming along."

Debbie moved off down the counter and Ethan closed his eyes a little. He'd forced a breath into his lungs as he considered the thought that he might actually lose Justin and he physically felt sick to his stomach. He would never know that Brian had sat on this very stool and had the same reaction to Debbie pointing out that same reality.

Ethan would sit there and listen to what this woman had to tell him and then he'd make a decision whether to stand and fight or whether to walk away from the person he was sure already controlled whether his heart continued to beat or not.

Setting Gus down beside his legs Brian held his breath at the door as Justin's all too fragrant head passed in his vicinity. As he closed the door behind them, he was sure that this was one of those smells that would remain vividly clear to him light years from this day.

He'd pulled Gus back up into his arms before following Justin to the Jeep and unlocking the passenger side door. Brian had been equally careful in installing Gus's car seat, as he'd been careful not to brush up against Justin as he did it. The other man had been holding Gus while Brian worked on the seat and once again, fingers had grazed arms as the little boy was passed between them.

Brian waited until Justin had gotten into the Jeep before locking the door and walking around to the other side. He'd pulled his door open and climbed in, all the while making sure to look at nothing else but the street ahead.

Justin turned in his seat to glance at Gus before turning back to eye the tree lined street again. He'd been trying to shake the dread that had been building alongside his headache. Very soon this car ride would be over and he would go back to not thinking about Brian while the man went back to doing whatever he did best.

Brian pulled on his sunglasses and pulled away from the curb. For his part, he'd been thinking about the fact that at least tonight he'd be able to chock his sleepless night up to the fact that Gus was underfoot. Never mind the fact that Lindsay and Mel had the kid programmed to be out like a light by seven, Brian figured he'd spend the night up and without the comfort or release of any liquor or pills.

"Brian, can I ask you something?" Justin spoke nervously some minutes later as they slowed at an already red light. "You didn't answer the last time I asked you and maybe now you can."

"What is it?" Brian turned to face him. His throat felt dry and he longed for a cigarette.

"Do you think about me? Cause I don't miss the shit you did to me, but I miss you sometimes." Justin pulled his eyes away from the glare of the sun off Brian's glasses. It killed him to not be able to see Brian's eyes in the wake of his question.

"What the fuck is with the ‘I'm not happy' shit and now this?" Brian spat his words reflexively. Justin was calling up things he had no business saying or asking. "What do you want from me Justin?" Brian's throat tightened as he said the name. They'd both ignored the honking behind them as the light changed.

"We make our own pain. Do you remember saying that to me?" Justin looked over at the other man quickly. "I've been gone for a while now and maybe now..."

"Maybe now what?" Brian threw the Jeep into second gear and finally followed the traffic.

"I'm not saying I wanna come back. I'm not asking you that because I'm not sure that I want to. I just wanted to know if you noticed me being gone. If it even made a difference..." Justin reached up to stroke at his temples as his migraine went into full swing and Brian swallowed at the nausea that was building in his gut.

"None of this shit makes a difference. So why bother asking me this stuff?" Brian ran a hand through his hair and reached across Justin's body to the glove compartment. He'd needed a cigarette badly.

"You can't smoke with Gus here." Justin said matter-of-factly and Brian dropped the package of cigarettes into Justin's lap. Justin had reached down to pick up the package before depositing it in the cup holder between them.

"I'm driving you to the fiddler because you made that choice." Brian had paid no mind to Justin's interruption except to give up on his need for a smoke. "There's no fucking reason for us to have this conversation again. I remember telling you something about that. No regrets, remember?" He'd pulled off his glasses and turned to face Justin for a second or two.

"I don't even know if they're regrets Brian because you've never answered my questions."

"No need for me to start now Sunshine." Brian clenched his jaw at the end of his words.

He'd driven in silence the rest of the way as Justin gave him directions on where to turn. More silence had followed and they'd been stopped at another red light when Brian reached over to place a hand on the back of Justin's neck. He'd waited for the other man to turn and look at him before leaning over and pulling Justin closer.

"What're you doing?" Justin pushed his words into the closing distance between his and Brian's faces. He'd been frozen into place by seeing the hazel green of Brian's eyes up close again for the first time in what seemed like an eternity.

"Kissing you. Or do you two already have rules against that?" Brian had paused a little to finish his words before leaning in further and finding Justin's lips. He could feel the familiar push of air out of Justin's nose and mouth as the other man let himself be kissed.

Brian had tightened his grip on the back of Justin's neck and he felt the other man reach up and run a hand across his bare arm. There was heat against Brian's face and he could feel his body flushing and floating a little as Justin's breathing turned into slight moaning. He'd pushed his tongue out to meet the tickling of Justin's and Justin had had to pull back to catch his breath before leaning in again.

Brian's lips were wet with Justin's saliva and Brian had licked and kissed and touched as much of Justin's mouth and face as he could cover in those few very public seconds.

Brian released the steering wheel and reached over with his free hand to find Justin's crotch and rub. He'd opened his eyes somewhere along the way and now he felt Justin reach down and move his hand away. His lips still resting against Justin's, he'd waited for the other man to open his eyes before pulling away.

"Does the fiddler do that to you? Make you that hard, that fast?" Brian's mouth took over again and this time the rest of his body willingly gave it control. Justin had been asking things that were now too close for comfort and the nasty things that this mouth could say would ensure Brian as little damage as possible.

Justin huffed a bitter laugh and shook his head at how utterly fucked up Brian kept proving himself to be. "It could still only be about sex right?" Justin had spoken quietly to himself before addressing Brian. "Of course he doesn't do that for me Brian. You are still the undisputed king of making me hard." Justin shook his head again before turning to face the scenery or the road ahead of them as the light changed. He was looking anywhere but in Brian's direction because Brian, it seemed, was determined to make a fool out of him.

The rest of the distance covered in silence, Brian had pulled up where Justin told him to stop. He'd taken in the somewhat dilapidated low-rises before turning to face Justin again. "When you go up, ask him to play you something nice and...romantic. It'll help you to remember why you're with him and help you forget about everything else."

Justin had smiled a little before rolling his lips into his mouth to moisten them. He could still taste Brian on his skin. He'd taken a deep breath that sounded too much like defeat to Brian, before pushing open the door and closing it behind him. Justin had waved a goodbye to Gus in the back seat before taking another look at Brian's profile. "You make it too hard Brian. That's something I have to try harder to remember so that I'll be able to get through this."

Justin looked away as the other man turned to face him.

~To be continued~