Justin exhaled into the trimmed hairs that curled against Brian's forehead.

The man was pushing into him again and as they rocked and bucked together, Justin turned his head to let his lips skim over the straining muscles of Brian's forearm. They'd been tangled together in heat and sweat for the last long while and the muscles of Brian's back and arms were running on sheer will as he battled to keep some of the weight of his upper body off Justin's chest. The seat cushions of the couch under them felt wet and soft against Justin's back and a simple thought about staining them came and went from Justin's mind as Brian turned his face to rest his forehead against Justin's again. Justin could feel Brian's eyelashes trailing against his nose and the combination of that sensation and the feel of Brian's hand in his own, pushed out the moan that had been resting at the back of Justin's throat.

Brian pressed into him hard again and Justin tightened his legs around Brian's back as he held on for dear life. He'd felt life and pain and hurt and regret slipping out of his pores and dripping off Brian's skin to pool in the depression of his own stomach and the hollow of his neck. Every reality forgotten, nothing else existed for Justin but the tongue that was gliding over his lips, the velvet covered steel of the back under his fingers and the naked skin that felt hard against and under his own.

Justin opened his eyes just then and found Brian's now hazel ones looking back at him. Justin could feel the man's hand on his face and he turned toward the heated touch. Brian's fingers traced over Justin's chin and lips as his cock slipped deep again and Justin gasped involuntarily as his eyes closed out the intensity of the scene.

Eyes opened again, Justin watched as Brian leaned in close to his cheek to brush his lips there before returning his hand to Justin's face. The heat alone left an imprint on Justin's skin as Brian ran his scalding thumb along the outline of the younger man's lips. Brian traced out the now bruised and reddened pout and Justin opened his mouth to what he knew Brian wanted him to do. A thumb pushed over his lips and teeth and Justin further opened the way for Brian to rub over his tongue. The man's thumb now wet with his sweat and saliva, Justin closed his lips around it and sucked it in deeply as he watched Brian's gaze narrow and focus on what this mouth was doing to him.

Justin watched Brian's lips fall open and trace out the shape of his name even though no sound materialized. He watched as Brian's pupils dilated impossibly and he thought he could see the reflection of his all too red mouth tight around Brian's finger. Brian moaned then and Justin echoed the sound causing a vibration that Brian felt through his hand, down his spine and at the base of his cock. He showed his appreciation for this sensation by thrusting into Justin so deep and so hard that the other man would have gagged on his own tongue if not for the thumb holding it down.

Some minutes later, the headlights from a passing car filled the dim room with diffused light and Justin watched the light play through Brian's hair and over his skin. He watched large veins stand out and relax against the cords of muscle in Brian's neck and shoulder and he pushed up to lick over them as Brian's thumb slipped from his mouth. Crushing kisses again, Justin held his breath as Brian reached between them to find his hardness. Brian didn't squeeze or tug, he just held his hot hand in place and Justin forced the air to return to his lungs as the other man sliced into him again. There was something very illicit about this entire interlude and for as long as it lasted neither man could hold anything back or restrain anything. Brian pumped and circled his hips, pressing the cushions under his thighs and knees impossibly out of shape. He was on the verge of tearing through the stuffing of the pillows that had been unfortunate enough to be located under his hands.

A single thought entered Brian's mind whereas only need and blind desire had ruled before. If and when Justin went back to his lover boy, he would have to tell the man the origins of his pressure cut lip, the bruises and bites on his neck and the deep crimson finger welts all over his wrists. Ethan wouldn't have just vague hints of sex on Justin's body and breath to wonder about. He'd be able to see and taste Brian Kinney all over Justin's skin and deep inside him for days to come.

This thought dissipated as the first streak of light passed behind Brian's eyes. Justin was tight around him and the impossible pressure and impossible wetness wasn't masked by anything.

Brian was well aware that his thrusts were getting more and more shallow while his breathing became more and more strained. He was well aware that the intensity of these sensations was different and deeper than before and he was also suddenly and consciously aware of why. Justin's eyes were closed and he mouth hung open as Brian pushed up on his forearms just then to look down between their bodies to the place where they were joined. Brian could feel Justin loosening the grip of his legs and he tried to clear his head as he reached down to run his hands over Justin's thighs.

That diffused light filled the room again and Brian looked down to see himself disappearing and reappearing from within the body beneath his. For all his sudden awareness, he'd been only vaguely aware that he was still pumping madly into Justin's body and that the light pulses before his eyes were more than late night traffic. He could see wetness and redness and although it couldn't be undone, he wanted out before all sense left him again.

Brian reached down to find Justin's waist and the other man opened his eyes. Justin watched Brian meet his gaze and shake his head slightly. To clear his head or to offer his very last minute regrets, Justin didn't know. He watched as Brian shifted slightly and he felt the man pulling out of him. He was on the verge of all oblivion but Justin forced himself to hold tight to Brian's body.

"No." Justin breathed out his word. He'd taken hold of Brian's hands on his hips and forced Brian to look at him again. "Stay inside me...come inside me."

Brian pulled his hands from Justin's grip and Justin dropped his hands to his side as he waited for Brian's next move. Justin watched as Brian dropped a hand to rest on his stomach before looking down to touch the base of his own cock. Brian held himself inside of Justin, seemingly deciding how to finish this. He had closed his eyes now and though it had slowed, Brian's rhythm had yet to stop completely.

Justin watched as the muscles of Brian's forehead tightened his brows into a deep knot and he watched the man's mouth fall open.

Now Justin could hear Brian's breathing changing and he could see the fight disappearing from Brian's body as his orgasm continued to build.

Justin felt the first spasm pull through his stomach and he squeezed tight around Brian, pushing Brian to double over. Though one hand remained at the base of his cock, Brian again transferred the weight of his upper body to the forearm and palm that he'd flattened beside Justin's head. He could feel Justin shaking around him and he could feel the tremors starting in Justin's thighs from straining muscles begging for release. He'd opened his eyes to find Justin looking at him and he'd felt the man close both hands around his waist urging him on.

One kiss given and one kiss received, Brian touched his fingers to Justin's hole to feel the push and pull between their bodies. Fingers moving lightly and purposefully, he replaced his hold on Justin's hardness and he closed his eyes to ride this out.

It started ten days after Justin's birthday. If Brian had kept a journal, he would have been able to chart the development of Justin's relationship with Ethan and the demise of their own. Ten days after Justin's birthday, the central topic of discussion, for a person who hadn't previously worshipped classical music, had become the influences of Verdi and Bach and how modern musicians were developing on the theme. Justin had spoken tirelessly on the subject to anyone who would listen. He had that same wide-eyed excitement that Brian remembered all too well and the intensity of the reference for where Brian had previously seen this passion, made it all the more difficult for him to be willfully blind when it came to what was going on. Very few things surprised him, very few things snuck up on him, and on some level or another, Michael's revelation had only been confirmation of what Brian had known since only ten days after Justin's birthday.

Long before a fuck sweaty body had become the norm for when Justin came home at night, Brian had seen changes that he did his best to un-see. He retreated to sex, drinking and drugging and he rebelled against any activity that Justin suggested that seemed like a duplication of something Justin had done with this someone else. No carpet-picnics and no candle-lit quiet evenings at home. He'd run to his desk or from the loft on many an occasion with the sheer need not to see what Justin was doing.

Now, lying here still inside Justin and half in the present and half in the past, for some reason, one of the memories that wouldn't leave Brian's head was what had been one of the first nails in Justin's coffin.

Brian could remember himself claiming that Lindsay had summoned him because Gus had been asking for him and he could see why. He'd needed an escape because it was too early for Woody's or a club and because Justin had been in the kind of mood that would have made a trip to any one of those places high on his list. Brian had watched Justin slip in the earpieces to his CD player before he slid the door to the loft shut and braced his forehead against it for a good long while. He'd hoped a visit with his son, all be it an unannounced visit, would be enough to clear his head. Nine hours later and one tank of gas later, he'd been too tired to loop on his previous thoughts and for this reason he considered his excursion a success.

"Where've you been?" Justin turned on to his back and eyed Brian as he climbed the steps into the bedroom. Justin had called Lindsay earlier only to find out that Brian had left her hours before. While Justin figured there were only a few places and things the man could have been doing with his missing hours, he'd honestly been curious.

"Lindsay's" Brian shrugged out of his jacket as he crossed the room to the closet. He'd made a detour on the way in order to find and kiss Justin's lips in the dim light. They'd made this kissing on first sight thing a bit of a ritual and even though they both noticed it when they did, it hadn't scared Brian into putting an end to the practice.

"I called you, your cell was off. Lindsay said you left a while ago." Justin scrubbed his face with his hands as Brian walked away from him. His words made it sound as though he'd fallen asleep after worriedly watching the time and waiting for Brian's return. In plain fact he hadn't. He'd finished up an assignment, listened to music, one CD in particular, and called to find Brian only when he figured he'd better stop thinking more about the musician than the music.

"It's one-thirty. I'm home way before curfew." Brian tossed his words over his shoulder.

"You don't smell like you've been out fucking and you don't smell like a club." Justin turned his head to follow Brian's progress on the other side of the room.

"I went for a drive." Brian looked at the other man. "What's with the third-degree?"

"Just wanted to know." The two shared a look before Justin pulled back the sheet to swing his legs over the side of the bed. He crossed the room on somewhat wobbly legs as Brian watched.

"Were you worried I wouldn't come back?" Brian sounded like he was teasing but in truth part of him actually wanted Justin to say he had finally clued in to Brian's mood and was smart enough to stop what had caused it.

"Yeah right. You'd never leave your loft behind. If anyone's gonna leave first, it'll be me." Justin had laughed a little before limping off to the bathroom on his still sleeping legs.

It had been just a joke and nothing more. No veiled meanings and no hidden threats. Meaningless to Justin but prophetic to Brian.

Those words had been prophetic and Brian the psychic, or at least the kid who'd developed a sixth sense for knowing when trouble or fists were brewing, knew how true the words were. Most people would always assume that given his temperament and fuck'em all attitude, that Brian would be the first to walk away from a failing relationship. They would always be wrong in this regard because of the one variable they would most often overlook.

Brian Kinney didn't know how to leave things behind.

The most he could do was close his mind to something until it didn't hurt as much anymore and then make it leave him.

Still part way into the past but now mostly in the present, Brian turned his face away from the waves of breath that were flowing over his face. Justin's eyes were still closed and Brian could feel the man's heartbeat hammering into his chest. This part had always been the part that defined them and set them apart from the others. This part was where they were so lost in each other that cooling sweat and sticky come didn't mean discomfort or give a reason to flee. This part where shared breaths and interlaced fingers reminded each of them of what had happened and what was still happening.

Brian identified the fact that he had pressed Justin's palm into the cushions with his own and he pushed up on his other hand before pulling his fingers from Justin's. The other man opened his eyes just then and Brian closed his own so that he wouldn't have to see what he already knew would be there.

He didn't want to be looked at with longing or regret and he didn't want to face the fact that he might find something more familiar there either. Brian pulled back so that first the skin of his chest and then that of his stomach pulled away from Justin's and he fought back the shiver that pushed through him as the cooled air of the loft hugged him instead.

That done, this was the part that Brian had been dreading ever since he realized what they had done...what he had done to Justin. He bit into his jaw and he tried hard not to visualize Justin doing the same thing as he pulled himself completely from the body beneath his. Brian had averted his eyes as if afraid to look at something terrible and stood quickly before moving away.

"I'll get you something to clean yourself up." Brian reached out for the back of the sofa to steady himself because in that moment he felt stirred, shaken and entirely ripped apart. He'd taken everything that he'd intended to inflict on Justin and suffered ten-times worse a fate. A deep breath wouldn't clear his head and as Brian saw it, a million showers wouldn't clean Justin of what he had just done to him.

Turning his head to make sure Gus was still asleep, Brian crossed the space to the bathroom and flicked on the switch. He grabbed for a washcloth before turning on the faucet and wetting it with warm water. Raising his head to meet his reflection, Brian looked at his own eyes while turning the cloth over and over under the stream of water. Losing himself in the undulating flecks of color in his own irises, he couldn't hear anything but the drips and splashes of the water, his own heartbeat and his own pronouncement that Justin was part of his past.

Part of his past...part of the past...part of the...future...part of his fu... part of his...part of him...

"Brian."

The man turned and stopped in mid-movement.

"Can I take a shower? I mean I'd rather..." Justin glanced down his body and Brian followed him to look at the dried streaks on Justin's stomach and inner thighs. Brian had moved his eyes back to the faucet as Justin looked up at him again. He couldn't meet those eyes and he turned off the water as he nodded. Discarding the washcloth on the side of the basin, he'd stood his ground as Justin passed him to step into the shower enclosure.

"Justin." One word and then nothing. What was it that he wanted to say? What was it that seemed so important when he was forming that one word in his mind, but now when it was show time had disappeared? Brian dropped his head a little and Justin thought he knew that what was coming couldn't be good.

"Don't say it Bri. I haven't been here in a while but I remember the drill." It was true that Justin hadn't been in the loft in a month but it was also true that he hadn't been the "get out as soon as you get dressed" trick in a long, long while, if ever. He pulled the door shut behind him and stood aside as he turned up the spray.

"That's not what I was going to say." Brian whispered and Justin didn't hear him. Justin had watched the other man turn and walk back into the bedroom after a little while.

Filled up with Brian and empty of Brian at the same time, Justin turned his face into the spray and let it take away any of the outward signs of his turmoil and confusion.

"Can you stay at the fiddler's tonight if you two are fighting?" Brian spoke up when he heard Justin coming down the steps from the bedroom. He'd been sitting beside the telltale stain on his expensive sofa and was absently deciding whether to leave it there or to try to get it out.

"Ethan. His name is Ethan." Justin spoke to Brian's back as he let the towel slip from around his waist to step into his jeans. Brian had pulled back on his pants and Justin let his eyes wander to the man's seated frame. One bare foot on the coffee table, a bare chest and some sex-tussled hair, Justin took inventory before turning his attention back to getting dressed. "If I don't go home, I'll find somewhere else." He'd made a point of emphasizing the word home and Brian winced.

"It's after two. You can sleep here." The man got up from his seat and walked toward the kitchen. He'd suddenly decided to do his best to get the stain out and he reached for a bowl before filling it with warm water.

"I don't...I don't need to...". Justin dropped his hands at his side before letting his eyes take in the pillows scattered about the floor in front of the sofa and the bruising on his wrists.

"No need to worry about me sullying your virtue. We've already gotten that part out of the way tonight." Brian's words slashed through the air as he knelt down in front of the sofa, bowl and dishtowel in hand and Justin let his eyes settle on the slightly off-colored patch of fabric for the first time.

He hadn't noticed it when he got up to go into the bathroom, but now he could see it because Brian had gone around and turned on almost every light in this area of the loft. Whatever spell had been woven here tonight had long since been broken and part of Justin needed to know whether the damage and the stain had been worth it to the mastermind behind it all.

"You wouldn't do that with me before. Why now?" Justin pulled on his t-shirt and tossed his pullover on to the back of the sofa. Brian had glanced up from his cleaning to find his eyes, but the man had said nothing. "I realize it's not your style Bri, but it wouldn't force the earth off its axis if you answered me for once." Justin walked over to stand directly in front of Brian and he watched as Brian stilled the movement of the towel.

Justin had known that nothing good would come of this question, like so many of his others, when Brian smiled his most angelic and most cruel smile. "Everybody makes mistakes Sunshine, even me."

"You brought me here with every intention of fucking me Brian, so I don't buy that." Enough experience with cruelty made for a very thick callus and a very quick retort.

"Fucking you, intentional. Sticking my cock up you without a condom, not intentional. No great meaning, just a mistake. One that if you were thinking straight, you'd be more pissed about."

"We're negative Brian and I'm not gonna get pregnant, so it doesn't matter." Justin shrugged his shoulders a little but kept his eyes on Brian face.

The man furrowed his brows and tried to prevent the sarcasm from entering his tone before he spoke. "It's that attitude that makes me very concerned for myself in this situation and very concerned for the future of our nation." Brian feigned superior disappointment as he forced his hand to continue rubbing over the spot.

"Right, `Mr. Fucking Thirty Guys A Month Is A Slow Period For Me' is worried that I'll make him sick?" Justin shoved his hands into his pockets as he looked away.

"What did you say to me the last time we talked about this?" Brian looked over Justin's shoulder to clarify his memory. "I wasn't just "anyone". Isn't that right?" He'd refocused on Justin's face before continuing. "Well now I am "anyone" and if you're fucking your fiddler raw and then fucking your tricks raw," Brian gestured towards himself as he spoke ", then it's all the more reason for me to be concerned, don't you think?"

"Fuck off Brian. You are not just anyone and once again, you're the first. Leave it to you to turn all the lights on and make me wonder what the fuck I was doing." Justin grabbed for his pullover and moved off to retrieve his backpack.

"Why so angry Sunshine? Would you rather I left all the lights low and turned on some violin music so that we could stay caught up in the moment?" Brian huffed a laugh before getting up from where he knelt in front of the sofa and dumping the water from the bowl into the kitchen sink. "The stain didn't come out. That should fucking mean something to you." Brian looked over to where Justin stood.

"Why? What does it mean to you Brian?" Justin asked sarcastically as his pulled his backpack on to his shoulder.

The other man had watched him move around gathering up his things and stuffing his feet into his shoes before answering. "That in some fucked up way, you've gotten what you used to want. Now you'll never be quite rid of me and I'll never be rid of you." Brian smiled again and Justin thought it looked familiar. It was the same unaffected or unreadable expression that Brian had given him before he left the Rage bash and Justin searched behind the lump in his throat and the pain at his temples for some quick rebuttal.

None came and Justin raised his eyes to find Brian's face again. "You might be right." His voice was wistful and Brian watched him walk toward the door and pull it open. "But when you're done thinking about this so clinically and crisply, ask yourself this for me. No regrets, no apologies and mostly no mistakes, that's usually true for you isn't it?" He watched as Brian didn't react to his words. "That said, in all honesty, do you really regret this, are you sorry it happened and down deep where nobody can see, is it really a mistake?" He stood stock still not expecting an answer and watched as Brian walked toward him.

"Stop being such a drama princess and close the door. We've given the neighbors enough of a show tonight already." Brian reached over Justin's shoulder to pull the door shut. The fact that he had to answer all of Justin's questions with a "no" didn't mean that this meant anything more than it did. "We fucked...". Brian rocked back on his heels as Justin looked up into his eyes. The blue and the proximity did it to Brian every time and from the base of his cock to the tips of his fingers, every part of him knew that Justin was nearby. "...and it was good. Now let's just play nice and go to sleep." He'd reached for Justin's bag for the second time tonight but this time Justin held on to it.

"You're used to getting whatever you want Brian, but I hope you realize that you didn't pull a fast one on me tonight." Justin pulled his bag from Brian's grip as the man let his hand fall back to his side. "This happened because I wanted you too. You didn't slip up and forget the condom. I was there too and I let it happen that way. You always seem to forget that it takes two."

"Play nice sonny boy." Brian reached up to touch Justin's face before turning and walking away. He'd been urging Justin to be quiet for however much longer they had together and he disappeared into the darkness of the bedroom before returning with his pillow and a sheet. "The couch is still wet, so you can sleep in the bedroom with Gus."

"I don't want to sleep in there."

Brian stopped in mid-step as Justin's words filled his ears. He sighed heavily before asking his question. "Where are you gonna sleep then?"

"It's your bed, I can crash on the floor." Justin dumped his bag into the chair beside him and waited for Brian's next move. He had no way of knowing that the same history that kept him from settling in under blue lights these days, also kept his former lover from that room as well.

"Stop being a martyr Justin. You'll be whining about your stiff neck all day if you sleep on the floor." Brian didn't think he could keep up this refusal without it becoming suspicious or even obvious and he hoped that Justin would give in. He should have known better.

"Why don't you want to sleep in there?" Justin had taken on his Young Sherlock Holmes look as Brian looked away and scratched an imaginary itch on his back, further confirming Justin's suspicions. Having decided to let Brian off the hook, Justin took another step forward before speaking. "If you're gonna sleep out here, I'll stay out here too. Like you said, we've already gotten the fucking out of the way tonight." Justin spoke humorlessly and waited for Brian to agree.

He watched the man pull the coffee table off the rug before dumping his pillow, sheet and the dry cushions from the sofa on to the floor. Returning to the bedroom for the duvet, Justin watched as a large makeshift bed appeared before him. He'd silenced the single thought that skimmed through his mind. `If Brian hadn't seen the romance of a carpet picnic, he would no doubt miss the romance of sleeping on a shaggy rug with the person you lo...'.

"Settle in. I'm gonna take a shower." Brian was half way out of the room when Justin came back to reality. He took a seat in the chair where he'd dropped his backpack and turned his attention to the `nest' Brian had just built for them on the floor. They'd run almost the full gambit of emotion tonight from passion, to rage, to sarcasm and then back to rage again and now they were going to go to sleep together on a hardwood floor because neither of them could stand what it meant to sleep in their bed.

"...their bed..." Justin had missed the significance of his thought.

Of all the harsh words and ecstasy induced utterances of this evening, Justin thought this sleeping arrangement was the most revealing of where they both were and he wondered if Brian saw the absurdity of it too.

Justin settled back in the chair and made no attempt to "settle in" as Brian had instructed. He glanced down at his wrists and let his thoughts wander back in time as he traced out the pattern of Brian's fingers. He could still feel Brian's hands tight around his arms and wrists and he could still feel the man inside him. Brian had managed to push the most intense orgasm of his life out of Justin's body, but Justin didn't think he would remember his own orgasm when all was said and done. What he would remember until the day he died was how it felt when Brian erupted inside him and all that scalding liquid ran down out of him. He would remember Brian pushing into him long after the climax and he would remember the smell and the sounds they made together. Raw didn't just mean potential disease or a death sentence. Much more than this clinical assessment, he thought Brian had been right about them never quite being rid of each other.

~To be continued~